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Class of April 2015 Part 8

Old 09-10-2015, 05:40 AM
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Good morning all. Looks like Amp and I are on our "monthly cycle" at the same time again. He got a head start. Couldn't sleep well last couple nights, so that's playing into my emotions. But im feeling depressed yesterday and today.

It's been a little hard to deal with the emotions because I've been working hard and not taking time for myself. Today I woke up and promised myself that will change.

I did my 3 pages of writing today. First time in long time. Just fill 3 pages of what's on your mind. Doesn't have to make sense to anyone else. Destroy it when done.

It's like pulling the plug on a bathtub full of scummy water. All the bad goes away allowing the mind to fill with new, fresh thoughts.

Not feeling on top of the world, but I feel in control. And obviously that's important to me. I feel out of control when too many things are bothering me. It becomes overwhelming.

On that note, I've found my tolerance for becoming overwhelmed was practically non existent when I was drinking. Although it seems my tolerance is lower then what I like, it is improving.
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Old 09-10-2015, 05:42 AM
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Originally Posted by OMD View Post
I hope you're feeling better today Amp.
Best wishes
OMD
Hope you are seeing that black cloud lift a bit, Amp! It never really occurred to me that when I was riding a downward depressive spiral, drinking alcohol was probably the worst thing that I could have done to myself. Being a depressant, that was like pouring gasoline on a burning fire. I am going the coffee route now, with my abusive temperament. BOING BOING!
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Old 09-10-2015, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by Incontrol15 View Post

Not feeling on top of the world, but I feel in control. And obviously that's important to me. I feel out of control when too many things are bothering me. It becomes overwhelming.

On that note, I've found my tolerance for becoming overwhelmed was practically non existent when I was drinking. Although it seems my tolerance is lower then what I like, it is improving.
Sorry you are struggling a bit too, Inc. What little tolerance I had for being overwhelmed was used up at work everyday, and I had no patience for family issues or things that needed done around the house. It contributed mightily to my drinking/depression cycles. Of course, I was clueless about this at the time.
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Old 09-10-2015, 06:21 AM
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So yesterday, our management team that I am a part of had a meeting, whereupon my boss suggested that" we all should go out and get some food and drinks together soon, to help build team morale and bond..." I had told my boss when I quit drinking back in April, because I had no idea if I was going to go through withdrawal, etc. I am guessing she probably just doesn't remember. I really have no problem at this point being around drinkers and being in a bar, but if this goes down, I am going to have to explain to everyone else why I am not drinking. Or do I? I know that if certain individuals find out about my sobriety, it will be spread all around my workplace. Which I really don't care, as I will freely admit my issue to anyone who asks. It's just that I feel many people, including those I supervise, don't really understand alcoholism and still view it as a moral issue and a personal weakness, not a disease. It's really the first situation that this could become an issue for me. I certainly won't be forced into a situation like Inc was recently, but it could still be uncomfortable if it actually comes to pass. Fortunately, our team is not the best on follow through!
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:25 AM
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Hi SG, it's good that you have a chance to make a "plan" before this potential work event. There have been lots of posts in SR about this topic, and it really comes down to you and what you are comfortable with sharing. What you shouldn't be worried about is the fact of you not drinking being the latest gossip topic at work. We Alcoholics are hyper aware of who's drinking and who isn't, but normal folk don't really pay much attention. Because drinking isn't an issue! If you are really concerned, you can give an excuse of "I'm driving later" or "I'm on antibiotics" or "I'm on a diet" etc. either way I'm sure it won't be a big deal to others but it is a good idea to have a plan.

Amp and Inc, I feel for you!! Feeling depressed is the worst. Try and take things slow, the quote "easy does it" always helps me. Know that the bad feelings will pass, they are just a part of us being human. Sending positive thoughts your way.
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:27 AM
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Stargazer, it sounds like you are very self aware, and that is a bonus. I am still a work in progress when it comes to dealing with issues, like being overwhelmed, but I am recognizing that the way I deal with issues as they spring up can be handled differently. It also, for me anyway, is all about conquering fear. My fear shows up as an invisible wall which prevents me from moving forward. But now, when I realize that it's invisible, I can take a step forward and I am still breathing. A couple times this summer my son encouraged me to just take the leap into the ice cold water, and I did! I will never forget the feeling afterwards, it was completely exhilarating. So now, when I am face to face with the invisible wall of fear, I recall that feeling of just taking a deep breath, and plunging forward with all I`ve got. Visuals like this will help me move forward and get past some old habits.

As for having to explain your alcoholism and why you are not drinking to your your co-workers and subordinates, I think it doesn't have to be. I would say, "I don't drink." Period. If they have the balls to ask why? I would say, "I just doesn't do anything for me anymore, and I am quite happy with my decision." In my opinion, you do need to explain to close family and true-blue-been-there-for-you friends; but co-workers are just that, people who you work with to do a job, and you don't need to explain anything. If you are worried about your integrity, and how the workplace will interpret your alcoholism, then hold it close to you. Also, please don't worry about office gossip. That used to drive me nuts when I worked out of the home! You know in your heart that you are a good person, and the gossipers out there is just that, gossipers.
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Old 09-10-2015, 10:23 AM
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Thanks for the awesome advice Kim and Cauliflower! It just occurred to me that I have drank with a few of these people at company events previously, but not recently. I like the "I just don't drink anymore" line and will likely use that if it comes up. It will be interesting to see whom if anyone asks the reason why.
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Old 09-10-2015, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by SwimKim12 View Post
We Alcoholics are hyper aware of who's drinking and who isn't, but normal folk don't really pay much attention. Because drinking isn't an issue!
OMG, isn't this the TRUTH!
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Old 09-10-2015, 02:52 PM
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Day 6 and the weekend commeth. Feeling strong but I always do initially. I know I'll make a stab at this again but will it stick?

Have a great weekend.
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Old 09-10-2015, 02:56 PM
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That's up to you! One is too many and a thousand is not enough.
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Old 09-10-2015, 03:18 PM
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Hey Midton, you're here and that's step one! What is your plan for the weekend? How will you deal with the cravings if they come up? Always good to have a plan!
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Old 09-10-2015, 06:41 PM
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Swim,

I have a doctor's appointment at 9:30 and I'll go to the gym beforehand. Impossible if I drink. I'm also just back from the gym, have work soon till around 8:30 pm and I have no alcohol in the house. I work from home so I'm in all day and won't be going out to buy any alcohol.

Saturday is more of a problem as I'm on my own this weekend, wife on a course and kids out with friends. I believe I'll be ok and make it through with my will power. After one weekend alcohol free my cravings usually drop and I just have to be aware and careful of ever taking that first drink.
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Old 09-11-2015, 06:27 AM
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Amen Midton. Don't ya know it!

Small break from my PT job. Not feeling as depressed today, but still stressed. Mostly because sales have blown this week. Seems like I always on the verge of busting out. I just keep pushing.....All I can do is all I can do.

Very good thing I don't drink. Otherwise I'd would definitely be drinking all day again. No doubt about it. The all day drinking would keep my stress at bay for only so long before a complete meltdown would come.

Plus...I wouldn't be giving myself the opportunity to work out of my troubles. It's rough now...yes. But I know I can work out of it.

Have a great sober day.
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Old 09-11-2015, 09:24 AM
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Feeling so depressed. A follow up visit to my cataract eye surgeon this morning discovered a fluid filled cyst in the back of my one eye that is causing swelling and pressure on my retina and messing up my near perfect post cataract vision. A series of drops, then a series of needles in the eyeball to follow if things don't improve. DW is having a series of on going medical issues too. My AV is roaring right now, after being nearly absent for a month or so. Time to crank my adopted recovery album, the Stone's Exile on Main Street. I am going toe to toe with ya, AV this afternoon! Bring it on!
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Old 09-11-2015, 09:26 AM
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Lets get ready to rumble!!!
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Old 09-11-2015, 10:47 AM
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Hang in there, SG! You can get through this. Play the tape through - how horrible will you feel tomorrow if you drink today? The guilt, anxiety, nausea...you don't deserve that! Shoot the AV down no matter what excuse it gives you to drink.

It's funny how our moods are cyclic: when I was in a total funk you guys were here to cheer me up and keep me motivated. Now I'm feeling pretty good but others are struggling. That's why being in a group is so helpful during recovery. Someone is always there to help when you feel down. I like it!

I watched an episode of intervention last night. Hadn't seen it in years. My AV even poped up and tried to convince me that just giving up sobriety and getting drunk all the time would be "freeing." Yeah right! Anyway, it was so inspiring to see the difference in the subject alcoholic after three months in rehab. She looked tremendously better. But of course the show said she relapsed her first day home and she claims to be sober but her family says she's not. It was inspiring and devastating at the same time. Crazy to see the hold that alcohol has on some. Made me grateful that I never was that far gone. And reminded me why I can never drink again: because that could very well be me.

Those who are struggling please hang in there. Remind yourself why you are sober and that alcohol will not make your life better. Only sobriety can do that.
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Old 09-11-2015, 10:50 AM
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I totally forgot about HALT, hungry, angry,lonely and tired. I realized that I am suffering from all four today. Grabbed a NA with lunch, after dancing around the living room blasting tunes for a while. I know, drinking an NA at lunch is totally alcoholic behavior, but it has saved my bacon more than once. I have violated virtually every recovery maxim during this, my first recovery attempt. I drink the occasional NA (rum and wine were my go to drinks) have never been to an AA meeting, smoke a little at concerts and live in a house with enough booze to get everyone on this Board smashed. And yet somehow, here I am, almost five months booze free. Still sober. Thanks to all of you here at Sober Recovery and especially all of my fellow April co-horts!
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Old 09-11-2015, 01:49 PM
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Hi all. Just wanted to check in. Hope you are all well
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Old 09-11-2015, 02:26 PM
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Hi all,
Hope you're feeling better Amp.

SG, sorry to read about your eye problems - that can't be pleasant. I am sure that not drinking will have some kind of benefit though. I did the last few months pretty much the same way as you. No meetings, house full of booze, just day by day. I don't think there is a right way and a wrong way. That said, I didn't try dancing at lunchtime but if things get tough I will use that image and I'll just keep smiling at whatever the AV throws at me

I hope you all have a totally awesome start to your weekend!

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Old 09-11-2015, 02:40 PM
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Morning all

Thanks so much for your kind welcome....means a lot.
Early Sat morning here.....and the Friday night pattern broken. My teenage son said he wanted to come over....this is a bit unusual as he's been spreading his wings a little lately and we haven't been doing the Sunday routine that we've had for years.

So he came down, was gonna stay the nite but wanted to get back as he has a sports match earlier this morning. So we had a few hours fiddling with the 3d printer I bought....something that interested him. We didn't quite get it happening by the time I drove him home.

Drive home the reptile mind heads straight for the bottleshop, off licence, liquor store.....wtf?. Just don't do it......don't need it. Go home. Play with the printer. It goes. I sit there for 2 and half hours watching fascinated as it does its thing.....way too late but had to see it finish. Into bed,

So Sat morning. Saw my son and had a good talk with him. Got the printer working that's been sitting there for two weeks. Sat morning a bit tired but not hungover....can get up make some coffee instead of looking in the fridge for a starter. Can go for a drive later and pick up some parts I need for another job. Can drive. On a Saturday. All very different to the routine.

Remembering how good it felt being sober and here.

Thanks guys......
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