Class of June 2015 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 46
This quitting thing is way harder then I ever thought.
Good morning from the UK! This is me at day one feeling very embarrassed because the last time I was on this sight I was doing great and now I have faced up to the fact that I have well and truly crashed. This should be me stopped for 5 months but a few weeks ago I really fancied that nice glass of chilled white wine in the sunshine, I could do it just one one -couldn't i? Well no I couldn't and I have slipped right back into my old routine finishing work at 6pm and by 6:05pm glass of wine in hand followed by the bottle if not one and a half.
Last night having drank every night for 2 weeks, I drank nearly 2 bottles of wine and pretty much pissed off my whole family - I can't even remember all of it! - this mornings silent treatment really got to me. I deserve it, I would not stop even when they begged me and now I feel so stupid. I am tired and grumpy with no energy and i know I am drinking myself to an early grave.
Why couldn't I just stay off it? I was so positive and determined. Am I kidding myself that I can get back on the wagon and stay on it? how have people managed it? I want to stop this time, I really do but I am so scared that I can't. I hate seeing the disappointment in my family's eyes and just saying sorry simply won't cut it this time.
Silly me thought I had cracked it after a month or so and didn't need to keep on this site - how wrong was I?
Please help me sort this.
Thanks
Last night having drank every night for 2 weeks, I drank nearly 2 bottles of wine and pretty much pissed off my whole family - I can't even remember all of it! - this mornings silent treatment really got to me. I deserve it, I would not stop even when they begged me and now I feel so stupid. I am tired and grumpy with no energy and i know I am drinking myself to an early grave.
Why couldn't I just stay off it? I was so positive and determined. Am I kidding myself that I can get back on the wagon and stay on it? how have people managed it? I want to stop this time, I really do but I am so scared that I can't. I hate seeing the disappointment in my family's eyes and just saying sorry simply won't cut it this time.
Silly me thought I had cracked it after a month or so and didn't need to keep on this site - how wrong was I?
Please help me sort this.
Thanks
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,475
Hi Lucy
I think most of us underestimate what we need to change in order to stay sober.
There's great support here in this thread and throughout the site. Plug yourself in here and start thinking of a new and better recovery plan.
You absolutely can do this
D
I think most of us underestimate what we need to change in order to stay sober.
There's great support here in this thread and throughout the site. Plug yourself in here and start thinking of a new and better recovery plan.
You absolutely can do this
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 82
Ugh, having some AV trying to trick me into thinking that if I just stay sober for a while then I can start drinking responsibly and have glass of wine with dinner or a beer to chill out once in a while. I've taken the advice from everyone on SR to not think "forever" (since that makes me panic) so I'm staying sober TODAY. And then I will work on day 3 tomorrow
Since I'm here on SR trying to NOT drink then I can't start fooling myself to think that I can some day drink a glass once in a while. A person without a problem wouldn't need to come here for support to NOT drink. They would just NOT drink and be perfectly fine.
Hope everyone is having a great sober day
Since I'm here on SR trying to NOT drink then I can't start fooling myself to think that I can some day drink a glass once in a while. A person without a problem wouldn't need to come here for support to NOT drink. They would just NOT drink and be perfectly fine.
Hope everyone is having a great sober day
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 216
Hi Lucy welcome to the June class
I have been where you are few months off felt great then thought I could moderate nope I cant one slip took me right back to the same drinking pattern as before. We can't unlearn how to drink like we do unfortunately. One drink and all bets are off with me once I have one I have no control I drink until there's none left or I fall asleep.
Well done for starting again it's not an easy road but well worth it. Just got to keep trying
I have been where you are few months off felt great then thought I could moderate nope I cant one slip took me right back to the same drinking pattern as before. We can't unlearn how to drink like we do unfortunately. One drink and all bets are off with me once I have one I have no control I drink until there's none left or I fall asleep.
Well done for starting again it's not an easy road but well worth it. Just got to keep trying
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: North East Scotland
Posts: 487
Hi everyone,
can I join please ?
lucyloo - I'm exactly the same as you ..... I should be 6 months sober ..... but thought I could have just 1 nice glass of red .... Q a bottle everynight again, took just that one drink to start the whole thing off again. I've done many day 1's, but that's as far as I've gotten .... on day 4 this time....determined to do it this time......
xxx
can I join please ?
lucyloo - I'm exactly the same as you ..... I should be 6 months sober ..... but thought I could have just 1 nice glass of red .... Q a bottle everynight again, took just that one drink to start the whole thing off again. I've done many day 1's, but that's as far as I've gotten .... on day 4 this time....determined to do it this time......
xxx
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
Lucy Loo - I am you too. Tiredofme has just hit the nail on the head - we can't 'unlearn ' this behaviour.
Sorry you slipped up and I can fully imagine all the regret and self-loathing
Don't beat yourself up - the slow train crash is inevitable after that first drink. It was a mistake and you know it and you have come here for help.
So its done and you are here now amongst friends.
Keep posting
Sorry you slipped up and I can fully imagine all the regret and self-loathing
Don't beat yourself up - the slow train crash is inevitable after that first drink. It was a mistake and you know it and you have come here for help.
So its done and you are here now amongst friends.
Keep posting
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,850
Hello. Enjoying a cup of decaff as I sit here catching up.
Way to go Sandy, Scram! And everyone here. Its great to share in everyones journeys. We all are different, but so much alike!
Welcome Jeremiah, Shenzy, and Lucy, anyone else also who is just joining, or recommiting. This is very hard, but its very possible. Jeremiah, don't feel stupid. None of us are, we are all deserve a normal way of life. You/we all can do this! I have to believe that, or I'm back to day 1 again myself. I'm thinking one day it will stick for me, and I'm working hard this time around to ensure that, as much as I can. One thing I do think is that we all only have this day to worry about, we get one day, a daily repreive from alcoholism, that's it. But those days add up. But its the here and now that I need to focus on. The rest will follow.
Its going to be rainy and ugly around these parts for the next week. Trying not to let it affect my moods. I really love the sunshine tho.
Someone mentioned meeting people and doing things without drinking? Check out meetup.com google it, you can select your city, your interests, and go from there. Tons of stuff to get involved in, and its a great way to have fun without drinking. Someone mentioned this the other day, just refreshing the info.
Hope everyone is staying the course. Checkin later all.
Way to go Sandy, Scram! And everyone here. Its great to share in everyones journeys. We all are different, but so much alike!
Welcome Jeremiah, Shenzy, and Lucy, anyone else also who is just joining, or recommiting. This is very hard, but its very possible. Jeremiah, don't feel stupid. None of us are, we are all deserve a normal way of life. You/we all can do this! I have to believe that, or I'm back to day 1 again myself. I'm thinking one day it will stick for me, and I'm working hard this time around to ensure that, as much as I can. One thing I do think is that we all only have this day to worry about, we get one day, a daily repreive from alcoholism, that's it. But those days add up. But its the here and now that I need to focus on. The rest will follow.
Its going to be rainy and ugly around these parts for the next week. Trying not to let it affect my moods. I really love the sunshine tho.
Someone mentioned meeting people and doing things without drinking? Check out meetup.com google it, you can select your city, your interests, and go from there. Tons of stuff to get involved in, and its a great way to have fun without drinking. Someone mentioned this the other day, just refreshing the info.
Hope everyone is staying the course. Checkin later all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by lucyloo14 
Good morning from the UK! This is me at day one feeling very embarrassed because the last time I was on this sight I was doing great and now I have faced up to the fact that I have well and truly crashed. This should be me stopped for 5 months but a few weeks ago I really fancied that nice glass of chilled white wine in the sunshine, I could do it just one one -couldn't i? Well no I couldn't and I have slipped right back into my old routine finishing work at 6pm and by 6:05pm glass of wine in hand followed by the bottle if not one and a half.
Last night having drank every night for 2 weeks, I drank nearly 2 bottles of wine and pretty much pissed off my whole family - I can't even remember all of it! - this mornings silent treatment really got to me. I deserve it, I would not stop even when they begged me and now I feel so stupid. I am tired and grumpy with no energy and i know I am drinking myself to an early grave.
Why couldn't I just stay off it? I was so positive and determined. Am I kidding myself that I can get back on the wagon and stay on it? how have people managed it? I want to stop this time, I really do but I am so scared that I can't. I hate seeing the disappointment in my family's eyes and just saying sorry simply won't cut it this time.
Silly me thought I had cracked it after a month or so and didn't need to keep on this site - how wrong was I?
Please help me sort this.
Thanks
Last night having drank every night for 2 weeks, I drank nearly 2 bottles of wine and pretty much pissed off my whole family - I can't even remember all of it! - this mornings silent treatment really got to me. I deserve it, I would not stop even when they begged me and now I feel so stupid. I am tired and grumpy with no energy and i know I am drinking myself to an early grave.
Why couldn't I just stay off it? I was so positive and determined. Am I kidding myself that I can get back on the wagon and stay on it? how have people managed it? I want to stop this time, I really do but I am so scared that I can't. I hate seeing the disappointment in my family's eyes and just saying sorry simply won't cut it this time.
Silly me thought I had cracked it after a month or so and didn't need to keep on this site - how wrong was I?
Please help me sort this.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 95
I had a slight temptation yesterday. I had a visitation with my son. Usually the ex clears out to let me parent, but yesterday she stuck around. It's her apartment, on weeknight visits, so I can't really tell her to leave. But I did bring up vaccination, and found out that she's signed two "religious" exemptions to vaccination: one for daycare, and one for the doctor. This is in violation of the court order because of our joint legal status. So I can take her to court (shoe's on the other foot now) which will get me more favorable treatment. So, I cleared out, and the son and I went to the beach. The lingering thoughts gave me an urge to drink. I need to file the papers. Wield the tool. It's absolutely the last thing I should be thinking about - drinking, when I'll have to rely so heavily on sound judgement. My AV is an idiot. Anyway, Day 10, and double digits is something I looked forward to and feel good about. Onward and upward!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Hi everyone, feeling slightly better today, went to doctors and he checked blood pressure etc, back home now feeling angry that I blew 3months of sobriety, feel your frustration mcfearless, unfortunately it seems our brains forget very quickly how bad it can get, when I felt so stressed out that hot sunny sunday, and I was in an AA meeting with the background noise of the local carnival outside my head told me- that's the answer, that will get rid of this fear and anxiety- my head had images of sitting at the bar with a cold one and it didn't go beyond that...
Sadly for me when I turn that tap on it just keeps running until Im either too ill to continue or have ran out of money, and it took me 6weeks full of blackouts, shame and in the end my collapse to turn the tap off.
I suffer from the- it wasn't THAT bad trade of thoughts after a month or two sober, I REALLY tried in those 3months and dedicated myself to AA meeting, therapy and posting here, but during the last 2weeks or so my head started to dismantle AA and the people in it, started resenting the 'suggestions' my sponsor was telling me, started thinking yeah Im off the booze but ive still got life problems- where's my reward for being sober?
Id forgotten where Id come from again and felt like I couldn't cope with life. And that good old buddy alcohol would help me feel better. It didn't and it nearly killed me....
Sadly for me when I turn that tap on it just keeps running until Im either too ill to continue or have ran out of money, and it took me 6weeks full of blackouts, shame and in the end my collapse to turn the tap off.
I suffer from the- it wasn't THAT bad trade of thoughts after a month or two sober, I REALLY tried in those 3months and dedicated myself to AA meeting, therapy and posting here, but during the last 2weeks or so my head started to dismantle AA and the people in it, started resenting the 'suggestions' my sponsor was telling me, started thinking yeah Im off the booze but ive still got life problems- where's my reward for being sober?
Id forgotten where Id come from again and felt like I couldn't cope with life. And that good old buddy alcohol would help me feel better. It didn't and it nearly killed me....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 95
That good ol' buddy, John Barleycorn, has led many a good man to an early grave. He's a real sweet talker, but what a liar, he is. And he's happiest when we're most miserable. A real jerk, that John Barleycorn. You've got a right to be angry at him, I think, 1stepup.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 194
, feel your frustration mcfearless, unfortunately it seems our brains forget very quickly how bad it can get,
But she's no good to me. We spend some time apart and next time I tell myself things will be better. I'll change and she will treat me better. Or she will change and I'll stop being hurt by her. But every time I go back to her...oh it's nice at first....but before you know it she is at my throat again. Dragging me down. Depressing me. Making me sick, listless and useless to everyone else.
No, I love alcohol. But I've been fooled too many times by her. Instead of planning my way back this time I'm going to find a new love : Life. And if I do back back to her...shame on me for being a total idiot.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,467
Great posts mcfearless and YuriO totally agree with them both, its a love affair that I need to break for good, my sister once said to me 'its like you have a built in sabotage button, when things are getting together and things are improving or when something you need to be clear headed and sober for to sort out you press the self destruct button and drink' she's right and I find it so hard to explain this self destructive streak I have to those not in the same boat.
Its like I feel the urge to go into a fantasy land and escape life, its a total lie though, remember after the first two pints feeling ok, thinking this is how I want to feel all the time, but of course the allergy's been triggered at that point and I couldn't stop, time and time again in AA I heard if you don't take that first drink you can't get drunk, its like I sacrifice 6weeks of madness and illness for 1 hour of a warm glow feeling and its NEVER, EVER worth it. WHEN will I finally get this and just admit defeat?
I feel like the boxer that doesn't know when to call it a day, should have retired 10years ago or more and everyone but him can see it but no after getting a beating time and again, I think just one more fight, I'll win this time the glory days will come back- truth is Ive never won one fight against alcohol and never will, Im beat.
Its like I feel the urge to go into a fantasy land and escape life, its a total lie though, remember after the first two pints feeling ok, thinking this is how I want to feel all the time, but of course the allergy's been triggered at that point and I couldn't stop, time and time again in AA I heard if you don't take that first drink you can't get drunk, its like I sacrifice 6weeks of madness and illness for 1 hour of a warm glow feeling and its NEVER, EVER worth it. WHEN will I finally get this and just admit defeat?
I feel like the boxer that doesn't know when to call it a day, should have retired 10years ago or more and everyone but him can see it but no after getting a beating time and again, I think just one more fight, I'll win this time the glory days will come back- truth is Ive never won one fight against alcohol and never will, Im beat.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
1step, yuri, mcfesrless - you write so eloquently.
Those three posts topped of thirty or forty minutes of browsing SR after a tough day. I needed to hear what you said. Thank you !
1step - I'm so happy to hear you are getting better and feeling better. Please keep posting.
Those three posts topped of thirty or forty minutes of browsing SR after a tough day. I needed to hear what you said. Thank you !
1step - I'm so happy to hear you are getting better and feeling better. Please keep posting.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Botswana
Posts: 384
1step - your boxer analogy is spot on.
We are all beat and not one of us will ever beat the odds and win a bout. Not ever.
I have to learn to live in the present and just not drink today. For me this has meant investing at lest three hours a day in SR this last dozen days. My AV Is screaming at me telling me it is wasted time, but he's wrong.
i can do anything I like. Anything at all so long as I don't take a drink today.
I will always be that boxer, but I'm never going to lace the gloves again.
That way, no-one gets hurt.
We are all beat and not one of us will ever beat the odds and win a bout. Not ever.
I have to learn to live in the present and just not drink today. For me this has meant investing at lest three hours a day in SR this last dozen days. My AV Is screaming at me telling me it is wasted time, but he's wrong.
i can do anything I like. Anything at all so long as I don't take a drink today.
I will always be that boxer, but I'm never going to lace the gloves again.
That way, no-one gets hurt.
Last edited by nyala; 06-17-2015 at 11:49 AM. Reason: Fat fingers
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 82
Sitting here fresh out of the shower with my chamomile tea. I have scented candles and I'm gonna find a movie to put on. Trying to do small things to keep my mood in a good place. I'm proud to have gotten through day 2. Harder than yesterday, but I made it
Fradley - I feel like I'm checking SR every 5 minutes sometimes. I'm so happy we can all be here and support each other Sometimes it helps reading here to calm down the AV.
Hope everyone is having a good day/evening/night in whatever time zone you're in!
Fradley - I feel like I'm checking SR every 5 minutes sometimes. I'm so happy we can all be here and support each other
Sometimes it helps reading here to calm down the AV. Hope everyone is having a good day/evening/night in whatever time zone you're in!
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