BoozeFree

Sass congrats on 5 months!

LS glad to hear you're all moved in.

Off to womp!

Saskia

BF, like you I keep hoping my cold will trail off soon! Have a good womp day :-)

Babs1234

"Drake-Toots, Gilmer---you guys always know what to say and the rest of you undies help me more than I can say---thank you for the support. I know one of you guys said to find out what the trigger is that makes me relapse. It's a disagreement with my hubby mainly---he just makes me soooo angry sometimes that I can't think straight and all I can think of is getting a bottle of vodka and drinking it as fast as I can. Now isn't that immature? for Gods sake---what a big baby---well, I'm going to work really hard on controlling that. I do know the signs ---just have to be more in control and watch that AV cause I do know he will come around and around and around again.
thank you undies---hugs to you
Babs

Gilmer

If you get mad and drink at him, it won't affect him one bit--except to give him further ammunition to use against you next time you fight. Drinking is not the answer. Go upstairs and punch a pillow!

calichris

Babs, first and foremost, congratulations on recognizing and identifying your trigger!!
Secondly, we all know without exception that drinking is never ever the answer. It is what we perceived to be an escape mechanism when in fact it dug us deeper into the dark hole/prison everytime we did it.
I can't even count how many times the AV tried to convince me to drink "to show someone else" my anger towards them. Better to show them how you feel when you can actually feel it and not be numbed by the poison that is alcohol. Hey, easier said than done I know, but it does get easier over time. One day at a time those sober days add up and before you know it you are building up your sober muscles very strong and you are more comfortable sober and full of clarity than you ever were in your drinking past.
You are doing so great! The fact that you check in here before acting out shows how commited you are to doing the right thing and I applaud you (we all applaud you) for that !! Hugs and sober kisses, Chris

Gilmer

Babs, Chris is right about expressing your true feelings to your husband after you've had a chance to process them mentally, when you have calmed down. Lashing out and drinking on it just inflames everybody's emotions.

If you guys have been together long enough to know full well when you are pushing each other's buttons, you probably also know which approach works best to influence each other for good.

Sometimes whether it's strictly fair or not, somebody has to make the first move. If he is set in his bad ways of communication, maybe it is you who will have to begin by behaving with dignity and treating yourself (and subsequently him) with respect.

If he flings insults and accusations at you, excuse yourself and go off to pace around and think it out, don't drink it out. Come post on here when you are mad and tempted. Sometimes just airing your frustrations is enough to defuse the poisonous emotions. We will help you not to drink!

gleefan

Saskia - Congratulations on five months sober. Events that are typically terribly stressful, such as your upcoming move, are so much more manageable when handled with recovery tools. I hope you feel better soon.

Babs - When I stopped drinking, it was so important for me to identify when I was triggered. Eventually, I noticed a pattern of situations where I felt most tempted to drink, and could actually plan how I would handle a potential trigger. Eventually, my triggers went away. I attribute that to ongoing 12 step recovery work. For me, recovery is a lifetime process, and present event, rather than a future occurrence.

Gilmer - I like your practical approach to communication in relationships. Good advice.

Chris - It's so nice of you to take the time to poke in and offer your kind words and encouragement. I like your one day at a time advice; it got me through early recovery, too.

LonelyShadow - Congratulations on regaining your independence.

Toots - Thanks for the advice. Moods and negative behaviors can be contagious. I agree that I need to be proactive in seeking positive, uplifting, healthy activities after hanging with draining people.

Some days sobriety comes easily, other days it takes work, and still some days it seems out of reach. I used to be miserable on the days it came easily; I was worried when the other shoe would drop. I would be unhappy when it took work; I was exhausted by the effort. Then I would feel cranky when it was out of reach; I couldn't understand why it didn't come easily for me.

Today I made a concerted effort to be upbeat at work. Our job is a busy one, and the coworkers I started with and I feel exhausted and overwhelmed. However, I get to choose whether the bit of time with I spend chatting with my coworkers is positive or negative. I can accept the situation or fight it, but neither will change that I am being inundated with new information. Life is so much more peaceful when I accept what is, and so much more enjoyable.

Have a great day, Undies!

Saskia

Glee, I completely agree - drinking can only make life worse whereas not drinking can't be worse and is, imho, usually better!

petals

Just popping in to say hi. Feeling poorly still and av is screaming at me.
But I'm still plodding along sober.xx

Gilmer

(((Petals)))

I'm sorry you are still not feeling well. Hope you get better very soon.

Keep fighting your AV. I like Trach's solution: when the AV tries to weasel in and lure me, I just stop dead and bark out, "I DON'T DRINK." Period! End of discussion! And i force my brain onto something else. If it goes back, I keep forcing it over and over again, as many times as it takes to get distracted.

How are things with your husband? Has he been any more empathetic?

Saskia

Petals, so sorry you are having a rough time! AV can be persistent but I try not to engage. Are you getting any f2f support? All of you here on SR are terrific and I couldn't do this without you but I find that I definitely also need the f2f support.

BoozeFree

Pets hope you feel better soon. Don't let that AV ruin all the hard work you've been putting into sobriety.

I think I might finally be feeling slightly better. Don't wanna jinx it haha but this has been one brutal cold. Off to womp

petals

Thanks gil, sas, bf.
Im not getting any better yet. .. feeling fed up.
Hubby is being his usual self.
I'm alone on this journey
.....sorry that's rude of me...I'm not alone I've got all of you guy's here. Sr is my support system
I read, listen and join in.
Best drag myself off to womp....after checking out my poorly ***** cat. Xx

petals

Sorry I wasn't swearing. .. I said pus*y cat ....didn't think that was bad. Xx

IWLSAST

Good Morning, Undies...

A quick story from the "It Works If You Work It" side of things.

Twenty months ago I was sad, lost, feeling no hope and just wanting and hoping I would die soon so as not to cast to big a shadow on my oldest daughter's wedding to be held that fall. I've thought of that time more often of late. Why? Actually that's pretty easy to answer:

That same daughter who's wedding I was trying to avoid delivered the most precious gift this world offers...a baby girl.

I was just writing a work related email on Tuesday and I got a text from SIL that water broke. I had about a 5 hour drive in a snowstorm facing me....so off I went.

I was thrilled, happy and excited to soon be meeting my first grand-???. About one hour from arrival I receive a text and 2 photos of my grand DAUGHTER. WooHoo, can't wait to meet her.

I get there and two amazing things happen. First, I hadn't told my daughter I was coming, and when I walked in the room she teared up. To say the least, she and I have had some issues since my departure from her Mom. To see her tear up in truth made me cry as well. I spent 5-10 at her bedside, THEN #2 HAPPENED:

My first grandchild was offered to me to hold. There still was 65 minutes till visiting hours were over. I held that amazing little bundle of joy that entire remaining time. What happened, what actually took me by surprise is how I fell in love with her. How is it possible to meet someone and within an hour be willing to give your life for theirs if need be? I didn't know I was going to fall in love, right then, that minute...and it turned out to be such a wonderful surprise.

Yes, recovery/sobriety works if you work hard at it. Waking up 20 months ago I could not imagine that my heart could be filled with so much happiness and joy. In fact, when driving home I was talking to a good friend and told her that I may never been at so much peace in my life. Recovery has meant so much more to me than simply not drinking. It has given me FREEDOM!

Have a good day, Undies.

Carlos

Gilmer

Carlos, that's beautiful! What is her name?

Many, many congratulations on your 20 months of sobriety! You are a shining example of really working the program and gleaning richness out of every minute! Thank you for always (and still!) being willing to share your insights with us.

BoozeFree

Carlos what a sweet story. Congrats on your grand daughter and 20 months! That's so neat that you were there to meet her!

Petals stay close to us undies that relate with you and know we are all here for you.

Off to womp

Babs1234

hi Undies---
Carlos congratulations in more ways than one. ohhh that had to be a great feeling to hold that little one. I'm so happy for you. that's great.
Petals---I too have had some rough times. Seems hubby doesn't realize what a struggle it is not to pick up. but, so far so good this time. We disagree a lot and so far I just walk away but, it has been hard.
Sass,glee, Gilmer,Chris--and all of you Undies thank you sooo much for your support. It's people like you that keep me sober
Babs

Saskia

(((Carlos)))! I hope you don't mind the hug :-). I had tears in my eyes reading your post! What a gift.

Petals, please see if you can find some f2f support as soon as possible. We alcoholics need to be there for each other as we travel this wonderful and sometimes difficult road. When every day feels like a big struggle, I find it's time to find more resources.

Babs, glad you are making progress. I hope you will consider other supports, too.

gleefan

Hi Undies,

Petals - I sure can relate to stopping drinking while living with a husband who drinks. I found it to be isolating; my life when I drank revolved around him and our friends who drank. When I stopped drinking, I didn't have anything in common with the people who I spent the most time with. Yet, I was still with them often. I understand what you mean when you say that you feel like you're alone on this journey.

I started going to AA so I could spend an hour in a room with people who weren't drinking. I didn't like the Higher Power stuff, the God talk, the slogans, the sexist language in the Big Book, or the constant reference by members to "the program," but it was a relief to be away from alcohol and spent time with people who weren't drinking. And truth be told, after peeling away the old fashioned language, the Big Book and the 12 Steps had some points that I found interesting.

The first six months in AA were in equal parts unsettling and comforting. I didn't feel well when I stopped drinking - mind or body. For me, that was when all the pain came bubbling to the surface. That's when I curled up into the fetal position. AA, SR, and a slew of self help books helped me make sense of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences in sobriety. Almost 11 months later, those AA slogans make sense.

It works if you work it. It really does! Sobriety, peace, joy, and freedom didn't come from simply not drinking; it came from being willing to transform the way I think and act.

Carlos - I love the story of meeting your little sweetie-pie. It's especially poignant to hear how joyfully your visit was received, and how special your connection was with the little one, in the context of where you were 20 months ago - feeling alone, desperate, and completely unworthy.

I hope it shows folks who are still in addictions' grips, battling cravings, feeling the dull gray blahs of early sobriety, as well as any other uncomfortable feelings that alcohol may have been suppressing, that life not only gets better, but has the potential of feeling AMAZING, better than any high, when they work hard at recovery. When I was first sober, isolated, with a husband who was drinking, knowing I couldn't possibly survive if I continued drinking and didn't have a choice but to stop, I NEVER would have believed that I could find any peace, serenity, joy or happiness in life. Simply abstaining from alcohol didn't get me here; while I'm not completely there yet, I feel closer than I ever have by having realistic expectations, practicing acceptance, doing my part, and letting go of the rest.

Take it easy, Undies, and keep it simple.