venuscat

Jen ~ I broke up with the love of my life 3 days ago. It was devastatingly hard.
Like you, I have never been in this position before. I still love him. But he was destroying me. Not telling you what to do love. Just saying that it is possible to survive this.

Whatever you need to do, we are here for you.

V xx ♥

tiredofme

So sorry for what you are going through Jen ((((hugs)))). Like phoebe said have you a safe place to go just in case it happens again? Good luck with the job application I know it must be hard but you need to look after you and your little one . Take care we are here for you.

countrygirl2014

I have options. Thankfully he is being even nicer to my daughter. He was always good to her but me, different story. In his world and his families mothers are useless. All the wives and mothers that made these men are long gone. They all abandoned their children. One of the uncles adopted his two kids from a past marriage. They aren't even his. It's nice to know I am not like that. I am a mother bear when it comes to my daughter. This family really thinks if I leave, they can have her. They say money talks. They haven't met a mom like me yet. They have no rights to her. And nothing in my life is more important than her.

Jennifer

Sparkos

Oh Jenn, what you're going through sounds awful.

The only advice I can think to give you is to make sure and have a rapid "get-out" plan, just in case. My heart goes out to you.

You're so brave to be going through this, while at the same time taking your share of giving your support to all of us. I'm humbled by you fortitude.

Conquest

Hi Jen, I know that is a difficult situation. But it's good to hear that you have options. When you need to talk, we're here. Big hugs

Briar

Countrygirl – I’m so sorry you’re going through this, sounds incredibly hard. Sobriety exposes all the things that have been going wrong in our lives that we’ve been covering up. It’s a lot to deal with all at once. Good luck with your job prospect, I hope you find something quickly.

Thanks Sparkos for the compliment on my writing. I’ve thought of writing a book, but never had anything decent to write about. And when I’ve written long pieces, I was drinking. I thought I did my best work drunk. Not the case, turns out. Maybe one of these days I’ll have enough knowledge and experience to write a book about my recovery. I hope I’m that fortunate.

My usual LifeRing meeting isn’t happening next week due to the holiday, but this week I did get that guy’s number, and he encouraged me to call. So I might see if he wants to meet next week in lieu of a formal meeting.

Tonight I’m feeling very tired and drained, physically and emotionally. I don’t feel very focused, and I’ve already had some serious cravings for red wine. I hope the AV doesn’t hit me too hard tonight. I don’t have the energy to have it out. I’m definitely still dealing with some depression, and the cold on top of that really drained my energy. I’ll try to stay tuned in as much as I can.

I hope everyone is doing okay.

Briar

I hate depression. My daughter is so cute and keeps saying the funniest things, and I know they're funny, but I can't laugh.

I walked into the living room and she said "hi mommy, welcome to my princess office!"

Then she brought up snowball fights, but called them snowman fights, which is funny, but all I can do is sit on the couch and watch her. I don't even feel like responding to her when she talks to me.

This is when I used to drink to give me that boost so I could play with her. I convinced myself that drinking made me a better mother in that respect. Tonight I feel kind of helpless.

Dee74

When are you seeing your Dr Briar?

Briar

I don't know. I don't think there's any point in changing my meds until I've been sober for a while. I really screwed myself up with all the drinking. I kind of deserve this.

Dee74

Just seems pretty rough on you right now is all - but yeah it's your call Briar.

Hope tomorrow will be better.
D

Mark1014

Briar, you're daughter sounds like a sweetheart. My 'baby' is 10 and the light of my life. She's growing up too fast and I wish I could slow it down. She wanted me to watch 'Maleficent' with her tonight...so I got a little snuggle time (it's getting more rare as she grows). Although evenings like you're having may cause doubt, your tremendous effort will for sure be rewarded by the quality times you'll have with your little one. Don't Give Up. I'm wishing a peaceful and content Saturday.

BrighterDayz

Bet we are all mama or papa bears when it comes to our babies. Mine is 19. Can't wait for her to come home for Thanksgiving break. She is my only and it's her first year away at college. Hard would be an understatement of how it's been. She is the fun in my life and one of the reasons I wound up here.

Briar

I feel like a crap mom right now because honestly it doesn't even make me happy to look at her. Doesn't mean she isn't the best thing that ever happened to me, or that she's not an amazing kid. It's just me.

I had really bad postpartum depression when she was a baby, awful stuff, I didn't even want to look at her. My husband was traveling a lot on business, so I was alone most of the time. I rationed my food because I couldn't handle leaving the house with the baby. I wouldn't let anyone come over to help me, didn't answer the phone or return calls. I was so miserable I cried every morning when I woke up because I wanted the day to be over. I thought about putting her up for adoption and killing myself. It was absolute torture. Now when I get depressed, I get a little PTSD action going on, and my daughter starts making me a little nervous that I'm not going to be able to take care of her. I really hope she doesn't pick up on that.

Okay, so...actually writing that makes me sound completely insane. I actually take very good care of her no matter what. I love her more than anything. But sometimes what I do and how I feel don't line up.

I don't even know why I'm going into all this. It's just making me cry and feel like a total jerk.

I'm sorry, this is ridiculous.

Dee74

I have no doubt you're a terrific mom Briar
Depression is an illness just like anything else tho, and I hope you find some help or a solution soon

D

Briar

Thanks Dee, I appreciate it.

venuscat

Briar sweetheart ~ even if you don't want or need to change your meds at this point, perhaps it might help to just talk to your doctor?

Of course you are a wonderful mum, and I know you will be able to laugh again at the "princess office" comment, and even help her decorate it!

I truly understand depression. I have been dealing with major depression for a very long time.

Sending you love,

V xx

JL2014

Briar I suffer from depression too. I posted last yr on here when I first began to quit drinking, and it was so bad, the things I posted. It's what was inside of me though. Let it out. Get it out. That's what this is for. I think alcohol actually caused depression in me, and I could read that 100 times but it didn't hold true until I actually abstained for3-4 months. That's why I get on here and gripe about sinking a half pint, or 3 beers or whatever. I'm an alcoholic and I know where I go.

Were here for you

countrygirl2014

My heart goes out to you today Briar. Part of the reason, a huge part, was because I was cold to my 6 year old. She is the love of my life but it's hard for me to show it. I'm afraid to cuddle her, get close to her...etc. that is something in me that I haven't identified yet. I am starting to laugh more at her antics, cuddle more, appreciate her more. I'll give it time.
As for you...I think it is very brave and just huge that you are able to express yourself on here. You are able to talk about your feelings. I am sorry you are feeling the way you do. I wish I could make that boo boo go away. Depression sounds very difficult and i don't know quite what to say other than I will send positive thoughts your way today. 😘

Jennifer

phoebe64

I have feelings like this too. Not constant, but I have time where I wish I could laugh, and I observe something is funny, but feel somehow detached from it. As if I am not deeply depressed and sad, but flat. Not super high, and not super low. I feel like I have a hard time crying as well. I think part of it was learning to shut off my emotions to survive stressful times, or heartaches.

I hope you feel better, Briar. I find I feel better if I push on through and force myself to engage. Maybe go sit with your daughter and have a princess tea party together?

phoebe64

I posted above, Briar, before I read your second post. I think you will find many mothers feel overwhelmed and have feelings of being totally stressed out and frazzled, and unable to find the joy in their parenting. I do not say that to diminish your feelings and pain, but to reassure you that you are not some sort of freak. But, you sound very sad, and seem to recognize your depression. Do you have a therapist?

I remember the years when my younger child was a baby and toddler, and my husband was travelling regularly, my father was having health problems, and my daughter had life threatening food allergies and was in preschool and elementary school years. I found little joy in parenting then, and it is a blur in my memory. But my kids adore me and think I am a great mom. Yours do too.

Keep talking, Briar. Don't withdraw. and if you feel really low, do see your doctor who cares for your depression. Someone mentioned meds, so I presume you do have a doctor who helps you with this. Sometimes, the depression makes it hard to take action, but that is just what we need to get well.