advbike

Ok, smoke for three days then quit for good. Just like with the alcohol.. You can do it Kadi.

jdooner

Well class I went from a high and enjoying the progress I have been making with my wife and family to an all time low. My wife read some of my fear inventory and my thoughts on a potential amends to her.

Lets just say that things in the Dooner residence are well, awful! I am sober but this is testing everything I have. I had thoughts of leaving last night. I had thoughts of going to the bar. I had thoughts of getting coke. I had thoughts of running as far as I can. I realize in all of these it is my bruised ego for my own shame and also a bit of resentment and anger mixed in towards her. So I am aware and mindful of what is occurring but its still occurring.

I am certain of two things: 1) that this will either result in significant growth due to the pain or be my unwinding; and 2) this will either result in a repaired marriage or a divorce - this one pivotal event.

Its almost like I would have preferred not to get better though and see what life is like to be well. When it feels like it can get snatched away in a second its almost like a tease.

I spoke to my mentor, my sponsor, trying to get a meeting with my therapist. My rage came out and I can feel such anger inside of me too. I feel violated but I am also shameful at the same time. I want to crawl into a hole and die but then I look at my kids.

kadidee

Aw, JD, I'm sorry to hear of the torment. But you WILL get through this. You have all of the tools you need and you will deal with and process all of this and come out stronger on the other side. I'm glad that you have strong in person support where you are too. And, remember when I had a freak out meltdown moment in March and acted badly in a meeting and almost drank over it? I am so glad I didn't drink! I'm not comparing your marriage to my work meeting, but I remember that awful feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin and scared that even after all those months I wasn't going to be able to face adversity and instead run down a path of self-sabotage and self-destruction. I promise things will shift or look differently if you give it some time. Or at least you'll get some distance from the shock of the awfulness and be able to better process it. Drinking will make every single thing worse (but I know you know that).

Pulling for you. Keep us updated.

kadidee

I smoked for a day and a half. Did a lot of thinking yesterday about my relationship to cigarettes. I want to be free. Today is day 1.

The addict really came out in me yesterday and it was stressful and scary to see. I had bought a pack of cigarettes on Monday night. Before going to bed, I cut up all the remaining cigarettes. Tuesday, before I got out of bed I texted my sisters that it was another day 1. About 10 minutes later, I am digging through the trash and smoking cut up cigarette butts and already smoked cigarette butts. I felt like a crazy-eyed lady. I had to pick up my cat from the vet and was trying to figure out if I had enough time to run buy a pack and smoke one first. Decided to just go to the vet and bought a pack on my way home. It reminded me of the days when I was hungover and running late and my brain felt disorganized. So stressful.

I let myself smoke as much as I wanted yesterday but thought A LOT. Today I am choosing to focus on being free from this addiction (instead of focusing on what I'm 'giving up'). It's only 9:22 a.m., but so far so good, haha.

advbike

JD, can't write much now, but so sorry to hear. Try not to listen to the ego and allow the shame to take over. You're a good man and you've put your family first through all of this. Your wife had no right to look at that and her ego is probably working overtime right now, trying to make sense of things. Give it some time. I hope you're okay.

Ornithology

jdooner, I was saddened by your recent post; you and your wife are in my thoughts. It sounds like you've already figured out that alcohol and cocaine will not really change the situation. Stay strong.

Elseware

I admire the way you are being brutally honest. I think it is time I came clean. I told you I was able to not take any pills for the acute phase and the tests that went on to see what was wrong with my husband. And I was. I did very well and felt good about it. My tools worked well. The weekend of the 14th and 15th was rodeo weekend. A weekend that for us has always been non-stop rodeo, parties, brunches, dances, parades et al. You name it. I knew that this was liable to be too much for us, (me), considering the stress factor and I was right. Things started out all right but we went to a brunch. There was a woman there who happened to be a retired Physicians Assistant, her speciality being cardiac care. She went on and on and on about this was going to be fatal and that we should get our affairs in order etc, etc. We sort of went into shock..... this upset us. Particularly my husband. He proceeded to go on a manic binge for the whole weekend. Glad handing everyone and laughing and talking at the top of his voice. Generally, not acting right. I was really upset. He was not himself and I couldn't get him calmed down long enough to assess if something else was happening with him. We have since received very good news from his doctors and he's going to be fine

Well, to make a long story short I am using again and I drank a half glass of tequila to get me to the next party. I just caved. The alcohol doesn't interest me much and I've only been taking one pill a day except for one day I took 2. I stole them for my husband and I bought some.

So what's it been? 10 days? Needless, to say, I'm awfully depressed. I didn't take any opiates or alcohol yesterday but I did take a valium. We spent the day with the attorneys getting our "affairs" in order. I got rid of the pills I bought and told my husband I'd stolen some of his pills. He's mad, of course, and can't stand me when I'm depressed. And he's depressed. So everything is cr4p here.

I knew rodeo weekend was going to be hard on me with things being stressful already and I should have listened to my gut. But I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted to pretend everything was the same as always when I know that it is not. This is my own fault for letting something or someone else get I the way of my recovery.

Sorry I let you all down. I don't know what I'm going to do.

jdooner

Thanks everyone. I think I need to dig deep and deal with some much deeper issues. Dee had said that he had to forgive himself to move forward. This resonates with me and I think I need to do this honestly. Deep down its my own insecuritieties at the roots of my addictions both behaviorally and substance wise.

Elseware

I meant I stole them FROM my husband

jdooner

Way I see it you got two options:

1) Adopt a using lifestyle and acquiesce to the fact you will die young and likely loose what you have right now in active addiction.

or

2) Learn from what did not work and take another shot at sobriety.

I hope you choose option #2.

Whether you want my perspective or not I am going to give it. I think you whiteknuckled the 9 1/2 months. I don't think you ever had a solid program and am frankly surprised you made it as far as you did. Imagine what you could do if you actually did the work and developed a program to get at the root of why you are an addict? I bet you could not only ski mountain but move them too. I hope this helps create resolve in the powerlessness over the drugs and alcohol for you - you wanted to abstain, could not, and stole pills from your husband. I again thing a 12 step program would work very well for you Else.

I have enjoyed getting to know you and hope you stay and choose sobriety.

Oh, the other thing is you have to choose and want a sober life. This might mean no rodeos anymore. Sobriety is not fun in the beginning as we all know, we have to make some really tough choices. Its like growing up.

BTW - Part of this post is also written for myself, lol!

Dee74

I'm sorry that both of you are going through such turbulent times Else and JD.

It hurts me to my heart.

I have faith in both of you though.

Growth is sometimes painful, so is life.
I think how we deal with that defines us as a person.

But sometimes we learn as we go

Both of you have deep, old souls. You can get through this, I'm sure

D

Ornithology

Elseware, sorry to hear your news as well, but I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share.
I don't have any advice for you but I want to share one thought. My sobriety becomes more precious, more valuable to me with each day. It becomes harder for me to consider a return to drinking, not easier, as my sobriety grows in value.
I look at my sobriety as if it were a fragile, Ming vase that someone has asked me to hold. It is both fragile and priceless. At this point, it is the most valuable thing I own and I have become highly protective of it.

jdooner

Else...hope my words are not too brash. I am feeling with my own stuff and I commingle my own thoughts sometimes. The point I was trying to make is, you did maybe 60 or 70pct. If on the next go you can add 10 or 20% more you are about there.

I am not there yet. But I realize I am much more f"Ed" up than I thought. My fissures go deep, all the way back to childhood. I believe the answers or understanding all this is back in the late 70s and early 80s for this guy. But I know that the only way I will get there is through my step work. I also realize that thumper last week may be onto something. I do have too much self will.

As I told another SR friend over the past few days privately, there is no time like the present to get back on the sober train. I look at opiates like cocaine...it's a steep hill to do it on your own. Combine this with multi substance and behavioral addictions and it's just damn tough!

I am with you here. By the way your honesty helped me today too!

jdooner

Thanks Orn...this is all happening for a purpose though. This is also tied to that guy in AA telling me I had too much self will. I am learning to let go. I am sober but I don't have peace. I will get there. Hey we will hit 10 months this week.

advbike

Hi Else, I'm really sorry you're having a rough go of it, and that it led to a relapse. Sometimes life throws us some pretty big curveballs, and you've had your share recently. I'm glad you've managed to control it to a degree, however I suspect it will get worse quickly if you don't take immediate steps to get sober again. It's time to "rock the boat".

I also feel that you did not avail yourself beforehand of the best tool available - a true program of recovery. You went to a couple of meetings, then decided they weren't for you. You stayed at home with a husband that is not very supportive of your needs in recovery. You're isolated out on that ranch. And you knowingly put yourself into a difficult situation for an addict.

We all make mistakes, but questions arise: what have you learned from it? Do you still want sobriety? Are you willing to do what it takes to have it? I certainly believe you can have it, but I think you need help - either through inpatient rehab, or a serious 12 step program of recovery that involves face to face meetings and acknowledgement of your powerlessness over drugs and alcohol.

I sincerely hope you do, because you're an amazing woman, and so worth it.. I also hope you will forgive yourself as part of that process.

Oceanlady

Oh Else, I feel for you. I know how easy it would be to slip. Don't no why this has been such a challenging month. Please don't dwell on your falling off the horse, get right back on and ride with us!
I am in Kingston Ontario , what a beautiful place. Today I hope to do more site seeing !

kadidee

Else, I am so glad that you decided to share. I think that advbike has some good questions. You don't need to answer them here in writing, but exploring them for yourself could bring you in a new direction.

I know that you can do this, and it sounds like in-person support might be a lifeline right now. Have you given any thought to what you could do for support that you haven't tried yet?

Hugs to you. I want to see you well and happy.

Sheknits

Oh else, hugs and hugs and hugs for you. I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing and going through. Please be good to yourself, leave it up I the world to be hard on you.

You are such an amazing person, you have such strength and are so kind.

My thoughts are with you, <3

Elseware

Thank you all for your kind words and everything. It is so appreciated. I so needed to come clean about the last couple of weeks. I am so depressed I can hardly move. I cannot concentrate. I have to force myself to do anything. That's the truth of it. Just telling my story here has helped, though. I will be seeing my doctor later today but I don't know what he's going to do. Probably change my drugs around so I have to adjust to a whole new set of side effects. I think I have some sort of major depression going on that is independent of my being a drug addict. I stopped with the Vicodin several days ago and all that isn't prescribed as of yesterday. There have been no physical problems but I feel pretty hopeless. Luckily, I'm sleeping well. When the sleep goes, I'm really in trouble.

Anyway, I guess it could have been worse. I'll let you know what the doc says. Oh, how I wish I would have taken my own advice and opted out of what I knew was going to over stress me. It is so HARD for me to interact with a whole lot of people all at once. And for days on end. With Bob worrying me. It was too, too much. And I KNEW it would be. It's as if I chose to use right then as a way to get through it. I didn't want to let anyone down and I ended up letting myself down. I've learned a thing or two from this. I guess that counts for something.

I've been rereading my RR book. I like what it has to say. I have really been resistant to the AA model. I just want to stop it without having to have my entire life taken over by the "sick" "disease" thing. Going to that NA meeting made me feel sick. I don't want to go there. I don't want to got to meetings for the rest of my life. I don't believe in any God that cares a whit about me, although I do pray sometimes. Sort of a meditation. I don't believe I have a huge character defect or any of that stuff. I'm kind and caring. I'm there for the people I love. The whole thing makes me want to throw up.

That being said, I do think it might be nice to talk to some people who have an understanding of where I am. They do say "take what you need and leave the rest". I'm at a loss.

jdooner

What you tried did not work. So try something new. My suggestion is try RR now. See if that works and use SR and stay in our class. We love you.

If RR fails to work, as it did for me, then you might be ready to succumb to a twelve step program.

The 12 steps is not about self will. Its about someone who has accepted that their way and their will has failed. Nobody I know has gone into AA saying I hope I can turn my will over to my higher power. Nobody that I ever met say I want to turn the key to my life over to some construct I cannot prove. We have been broken. Humbled by a disease greater than us and restored by the power greater than us.

I wish I had a dollar for everyone that says I can't get the God thing. Most of us can't. Your corresponding with someone who used to laugh, literally laugh at the people going to church. What idiots. No educated person can believe in that. But I was the fool.

Its for those of us who have tried to find spirituality but failed so we don't believe in God. It works for those of us that realize our own spirituality through our experience by being open, honest and willing. It fails to work if you can't get there honestly every time. It truly works only if you truly believe.

I have been broken and I have accepted I cannot fix me. I have tried and spent more energy than I care to admit and I failed. I have nothing left to hide. All my dark little secrets are out. And it feels....great! Yeah its painful and the wreckage and carnage is hard to accept at first but having nothing and I mean nothing to hide is so liberating. It took blowing everything up and stripping things to the core and then it happened. I know there is something greater than me. I have experienced this first hand and been shown my path.

This week has changed me forever!

What I can tell you is none of what I feel right now would be possible with me running the show and it can change in an instant. It did for me.

Good luck Else - pulling for you! I have zero desire to drink or use - it feels like it was lifted overnight through this experience. I have found a new sponsor and I have an aggressive step program to be complete in 5 weeks.