Class of August 2013 - Part 12
Else - I think Serenity for me is when I stop thinking about serenity or sobriety it just is. I find life is full of paradoxes. I make more money when I stop focusing on making more money, I grow my relationship by letting go of trying to control my relationship. I get sober by accepting the lack of power I have over my sobriety. For me I am finding serenity in acceptance and letting go. By releasing this concept of having control over things I never really had control over and letting go of resentments that come from this I am able to release the underlying fears of irrelevancy. This is slowly allowing me to live life in the present and not worry about things I should not be worrying about. This is allowing me to find inner peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Nice JD!!
Else, to your question do I have joy? I'm sitting here struggling with this question ,dumb,can't find a true answer. I'm more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin and always see things with the glass half full. I'm striving for a stable happy mood and feel like I am heading in that direction. Joy is something I feel at times, like the other day floating on a raft holding hands with nine yr old grandaughter!
Else, to your question do I have joy? I'm sitting here struggling with this question ,dumb,can't find a true answer. I'm more relaxed, more comfortable in my own skin and always see things with the glass half full. I'm striving for a stable happy mood and feel like I am heading in that direction. Joy is something I feel at times, like the other day floating on a raft holding hands with nine yr old grandaughter!
I honestly don't miss Party Dee. He was an attempt to be 'normal', to fit in, to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be...me trying to be reckless and carefree and not inadequate....trying to outrun myself and my fears and self doubt but never managing it...
I like the real me and my real life. It's a lot quieter life but its a million times more rich and meaningful to me
D
I like the real me and my real life. It's a lot quieter life but its a million times more rich and meaningful to me
D
Your comments about wealth reminded me of this George Carlin skit on stuff. I had to look outside myself for my self worth because I hated JD but could not come to admit it. As I would amass more stuff I would rationalize my worth by how much stuff I had. I would compare myself to someone less fortunate in terms of worldly goods and material possessions. You know that high school or college reunion and there is always that guy that needs to show off - rents the Ferrari - that is the insecure guy. That was me. What I lost though is how empty I was. This quest to get more stuff and buy more stuff to house my stuff became a hungry ghost, sucking the life out from my insides. It also kept me in active addiction far longer and the stuff I had allowed me to go deeper because I could bail out the boat and rationalize why I was not like other addicts and alcoholics.
Due to my social status and the life I created I am surrounded by very sick ,albeit wealthy people. It is a constant reminder of the emptiness found in anything we chase to find happiness whether cars, planes, boats, houses, clothes, jewels, even spouses (the term trophy wife come to mind). Eventually we need to buy more stuff to keep accumulating more stuff - it never ends, no matter who you are. Watch that show Shark Tank to see how sick some billionaires are.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffet and several other billionaires get this, which is why they are pledging to donate 80% of their net worth to charity. There may be other motives but at some point in our life if we are lucky, we are able to realize the futility of "keeping up with the Jones." It almost killed me and I am grateful to escape those shackles at 40.
Eckhart Tolle in his book writes about Enlightenment:
A beggar had been sitting by the side of a road for over thirty years. One day a stranger walked by. “Spare some change?” mumbled the beggar, mechanically holding out his old baseball cap. “I have nothing to give you,” said the stranger. Then he asked: “What’s that you are sitting on?” “Nothing,” replied the beggar. “Just an old box. I have been sitting on it for as long as I can remember.” “Ever looked inside?” asked the stranger. “No,” said the beggar. “What’s the point? There’s nothing in there.” “Have a look inside,” insisted the stranger. The beggar managed to pry open the lid. With astonishment, disbelief, and elation, he saw that the box was filled with gold.
I am that stranger who has nothing to give you and who is telling you to look inside. Not inside any box, as in the parable, but somewhere even closer: inside yourself.
Tolle, Eckhart (2010-10-06). The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment (Kindle Locations 407-414). New World Library. Kindle Edition.
For a good laugh: George Carlin - Stuff - YouTube
Everywhere I've turned today seems to be speaking to this issue of finding Joy. And pointing to just the things we are speaking to here. I wrote a small poem about wanting to be in love again yesterday on another thread. So I put on some nice music and got my husband to slow dance with me out in the living room. He actually asked me if I was drunk. Only half kidding. Is this just another aspect of wanting to feel "high" again? Or is it wanting to fully engage with life. I don't feel very articulate today. It's hard to explain but I'm starting to notice these small things.
JD, I read on here someplace about you moving 200 miles an hour all the time in the days before you stopped with the mind altering. While not going 200 hundred I did go very fast. I don't do that anymore and I feel some anxiety about it. Like calming down is somehow not really living. Or that I'm being resistant to change. This calming down is what my doctor wanted for me, I do know that.
Sorry for the ramble
JD, I read on here someplace about you moving 200 miles an hour all the time in the days before you stopped with the mind altering. While not going 200 hundred I did go very fast. I don't do that anymore and I feel some anxiety about it. Like calming down is somehow not really living. Or that I'm being resistant to change. This calming down is what my doctor wanted for me, I do know that.
Sorry for the ramble
Dancing with your husband sounds great. Perhaps its a high in the form of dopamine release or activation of the opioid receptors but its healthy whatever it is.
Listen to the signs. I believe its when you need them the most. I believe the power of the universe is helping you realize what you need is inside you already.
The more I began noticing the small things the more often I realized these synchronicites were occurring. As if moving the antenna on the old UGH TV I was tuning into something quite new and powerful. I now see them all around everywhere daily.
This is a great link on spirituality: http://awareness.tk
Actually I don't. I see them as variations on a theme. My thoughts are very mutable depending on my mood which alters by the every 10 minutes or so. But I can't defend my self. I only know that this morning I'm flailing.
I'm looking at the mundanity of my housework and my morning workout with great resistance. So far I've brushed my teeth this morning. Funny thing is, I don't know what I'd rather be doing. I can't think of a thing I'd like to do but browse on SR or read quietly. What I am resisting and asking, I guess, is it ok to feel quiet? One moment it IS ok and the next moment is filled with anxiety about it.
I'm looking at the mundanity of my housework and my morning workout with great resistance. So far I've brushed my teeth this morning. Funny thing is, I don't know what I'd rather be doing. I can't think of a thing I'd like to do but browse on SR or read quietly. What I am resisting and asking, I guess, is it ok to feel quiet? One moment it IS ok and the next moment is filled with anxiety about it.
Actually I don't. I see them as variations on a theme. My thoughts are very mutable depending on my mood which alters by the every 10 minutes or so. But I can't defend my self. I only know that this morning I'm flailing.
I'm looking at the mundanity of my housework and my morning workout with great resistance. So far I've brushed my teeth this morning. Funny thing is, I don't know what I'd rather be doing. I can't think of a thing I'd like to do but browse on SR or read quietly. What I am resisting and asking, I guess, is it ok to feel quiet? One moment it IS ok and the next moment is filled with anxiety about it.
I'm looking at the mundanity of my housework and my morning workout with great resistance. So far I've brushed my teeth this morning. Funny thing is, I don't know what I'd rather be doing. I can't think of a thing I'd like to do but browse on SR or read quietly. What I am resisting and asking, I guess, is it ok to feel quiet? One moment it IS ok and the next moment is filled with anxiety about it.
Shortly afterwards I was confused by your question to me or perhaps the group about slowing from 200mph to a more normal speed and calming down is not really living.
I relate to both actually quite well. However, I have come to realize the insanity associated with believing you can go 200MPH everywhere. It is not possible. That old saying every action has an equal reaction. So to offset the 200mph, I needed to have some -80mph days to equal out at 60MPH.
In the beginning when we are going 60MPH everything can feel blah until our minds can adjust to this new normal. Perhaps this is why this morning you may have felt okay with your new normal but just a short while later questioning if your feelings and life were okay? I experienced this phenomenon exactly. I chronicled it here too. For me as time went on the intervals between the peaks and troughs extended and the amplitude or height between the peak and trough was lessened. This was moving directionally towards a new normal that is often stated as living in my skin or new skin. Now I am grateful for the 60MPH and never want to go back to the 200MPH. If I get a thought of returning I have my tool kit to deal with those thoughts vs acting.
I hope this helps and some might make sense.
I found a lot of friends, even those who didn't seem to drink too much, didn't like the new much as much.
Maybe they missed the old dynamic, or they felt uncomfortable in the new one, I not sure.
I seem to have less friends now...but I need less too.
I'm very happy with the friends I have and the life I lead. I think it's authentically me.
It took me a couple of years to work it all out tho Ven. I think you're doing great
D
Maybe they missed the old dynamic, or they felt uncomfortable in the new one, I not sure.
I seem to have less friends now...but I need less too.
I'm very happy with the friends I have and the life I lead. I think it's authentically me.
It took me a couple of years to work it all out tho Ven. I think you're doing great
D
Am I happier right now or more serene? I think that the general newness of Dad's loss doesn't allow for that at the moment.
I've got to admit, though, that reading the recollection of the wine and the friends at your dinner party, JD, made me wince. Whatever else is going on in my life, there is not a moment I look back and think "gee, I was such a healthier person when I was drinking."
I am grateful for the relative peacefulness in my life. For now, that's enough.
You, classmates and Dee, are wonderful people. I'm so glad to be on this road with you.
To spend the first third of one's life getting all the education one can.
To spend the next third making all the money one can.
To spend the last third giving it all away for worthwhile causes.
From: Andrew Carnegie - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
DSober - watch the documentary The Men that Made America. The robberbarrons I am guessing were trying to give away that last 1/3 out of guilt for all the bad stuff they did:-) The top 3 richest men in the early 1900s were worth over a trillion dollars. WE think things are skewed today, wealth was much more concentrated back then.
Some great posts lately. JD, I also weighed myself down with stuff, not so much to impress people, but because I would buy things to fill that void that Mate talks about. I still have a garage with two cars, a BMW motorcycle and 4 bicycles in it, but I'm slowly reducing the number. It's embarrassing quite frankly and I'm ashamed of my excess, but I guess that's what single guys with alcoholism and unhappy relationships do. Instead of working on the relationship and solving the problems.
I'm still working on my 4th step and it's a lot of work but already I can clearly see patterns of dysfunctional thinking emerging. Mostly because I just think too much, lol, but also as a result of early experiences. Funny thing is I've recognized some of these these patterns for years but been unable to change them. It's really crazy to see how we repeat the behaviors. I really admire you for challenging your thinking and changing your life - I can see that it's not easy to do. As much as I've learned I still find my self engaged in negative thinking, relationship insecurities, and beating myself up. But now I can observe the skewed thinking and resultant emotional reaction. It's crazy.
That must be why I love reading Tolle so much... and hope someday to live as simply, at peace, and in the present moment as possible. I'm a long way from being there, but I guess it's progress we're after, not perfection, lol. I'm off to Southeast Asia again tomorrow. I just love immersing myself in the culture and mayhem there. It brings a totally different perspective and in fact does force one to be more present. Can't avoid it, lol.
I'm still working on my 4th step and it's a lot of work but already I can clearly see patterns of dysfunctional thinking emerging. Mostly because I just think too much, lol, but also as a result of early experiences. Funny thing is I've recognized some of these these patterns for years but been unable to change them. It's really crazy to see how we repeat the behaviors. I really admire you for challenging your thinking and changing your life - I can see that it's not easy to do. As much as I've learned I still find my self engaged in negative thinking, relationship insecurities, and beating myself up. But now I can observe the skewed thinking and resultant emotional reaction. It's crazy.
That must be why I love reading Tolle so much... and hope someday to live as simply, at peace, and in the present moment as possible. I'm a long way from being there, but I guess it's progress we're after, not perfection, lol. I'm off to Southeast Asia again tomorrow. I just love immersing myself in the culture and mayhem there. It brings a totally different perspective and in fact does force one to be more present. Can't avoid it, lol.
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