Thank you all for your kind words and everything. It is so appreciated. I so needed to come clean about the last couple of weeks. I am so depressed I can hardly move. I cannot concentrate. I have to force myself to do anything. That's the truth of it. Just telling my story here has helped, though. I will be seeing my doctor later today but I don't know what he's going to do. Probably change my drugs around so I have to adjust to a whole new set of side effects. I think I have some sort of major depression going on that is independent of my being a drug addict. I stopped with the Vicodin several days ago and all that isn't prescribed as of yesterday. There have been no physical problems but I feel pretty hopeless. Luckily, I'm sleeping well. When the sleep goes, I'm really in trouble.
Anyway, I guess it could have been worse. I'll let you know what the doc says. Oh, how I wish I would have taken my own advice and opted out of what I knew was going to over stress me. It is so HARD for me to interact with a whole lot of people all at once. And for days on end. With Bob worrying me. It was too, too much. And I KNEW it would be. It's as if I chose to use right then as a way to get through it. I didn't want to let anyone down and I ended up letting myself down. I've learned a thing or two from this. I guess that counts for something.
I've been rereading my RR book. I like what it has to say. I have really been resistant to the AA model. I just want to stop it without having to have my entire life taken over by the "sick" "disease" thing. Going to that NA meeting made me feel sick. I don't want to go there. I don't want to got to meetings for the rest of my life. I don't believe in any God that cares a whit about me, although I do pray sometimes. Sort of a meditation. I don't believe I have a huge character defect or any of that stuff. I'm kind and caring. I'm there for the people I love. The whole thing makes me want to throw up.
That being said, I do think it might be nice to talk to some people who have an understanding of where I am. They do say "take what you need and leave the rest". I'm at a loss.