Aw, JD, I'm sorry to hear of the torment. But you WILL get through this. You have all of the tools you need and you will deal with and process all of this and come out stronger on the other side. I'm glad that you have strong in person support where you are too. And, remember when I had a freak out meltdown moment in March and acted badly in a meeting and almost drank over it? I am so glad I didn't drink! I'm not comparing your marriage to my work meeting, but I remember that awful feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin and scared that even after all those months I wasn't going to be able to face adversity and instead run down a path of self-sabotage and self-destruction. I promise things will shift or look differently if you give it some time. Or at least you'll get some distance from the shock of the awfulness and be able to better process it. Drinking will make every single thing worse (but I know you know that).
Pulling for you. Keep us updated.