I admire the way you are being brutally honest. I think it is time I came clean. I told you I was able to not take any pills for the acute phase and the tests that went on to see what was wrong with my husband. And I was. I did very well and felt good about it. My tools worked well. The weekend of the 14th and 15th was rodeo weekend. A weekend that for us has always been non-stop rodeo, parties, brunches, dances, parades et al. You name it. I knew that this was liable to be too much for us, (me), considering the stress factor and I was right. Things started out all right but we went to a brunch. There was a woman there who happened to be a retired Physicians Assistant, her speciality being cardiac care. She went on and on and on about this was going to be fatal and that we should get our affairs in order etc, etc. We sort of went into shock..... this upset us. Particularly my husband. He proceeded to go on a manic binge for the whole weekend. Glad handing everyone and laughing and talking at the top of his voice. Generally, not acting right. I was really upset. He was not himself and I couldn't get him calmed down long enough to assess if something else was happening with him. We have since received very good news from his doctors and he's going to be fine
Well, to make a long story short I am using again and I drank a half glass of tequila to get me to the next party. I just caved. The alcohol doesn't interest me much and I've only been taking one pill a day except for one day I took 2. I stole them for my husband and I bought some.
So what's it been? 10 days? Needless, to say, I'm awfully depressed. I didn't take any opiates or alcohol yesterday but I did take a valium. We spent the day with the attorneys getting our "affairs" in order. I got rid of the pills I bought and told my husband I'd stolen some of his pills. He's mad, of course, and can't stand me when I'm depressed. And he's depressed. So everything is cr4p here.
I knew rodeo weekend was going to be hard on me with things being stressful already and I should have listened to my gut. But I didn't want to rock the boat. I wanted to pretend everything was the same as always when I know that it is not. This is my own fault for letting something or someone else get I the way of my recovery.
Sorry I let you all down. I don't know what I'm going to do.