Oceanlady

Glad thing are better Else!
Today I am taking a boat trip around the thousand islands ! Beatiful warm sunny day here. I have had a wonderful time visiting here. It's been so peaceful, know one in this family drinks. Last night a bonfire, fireworks and food. Great sober laughs. John is a recovering alcoholic.
I'm sitting here looking out at the bay of Quint, part of Lake Ontario, a family of swans are swimming bye. I have visited the area my mother was born and brought up, even met a relative. My mother passed away 17 yrs ago and I am sure she knows I have come back to Napanee!

advbike

Safe travels V! It was great meeting you and enjoying a little bit of Oregon together. Folks, our Venecia is as lovely in person as she is here on the forum. Sorry about the rain.. hoping we have enough Sun for a bike ride today... and I just finished those blueberries

Ornithology

We've had lots of us meet up recently. I doubt we would have all been drinking buddies ten months ago, but in sobriety we are good to each other.

kadidee

Very true. Especially since it sounds like several of us were drink alone kinds of folks.

advbike

Good point Kadi, I certainly was. How are you doing?

kadidee

Advbike--Good, thanks. Today is day 3 (again) not smoking. On Friday, I wrote for five pages about why I want to quit, what my triggers are, and what I can do instead when the urges come. I started an eight-week home yoga practice (the book is called Moving
Toward Balance), so I've been listening to Tibetan music and burning Tara healing incense in the mornings with the yoga to make a new routine. One day at a time. When you quit, I know you were training for a marathon and you saw it as a simple health choice...did you have any cave-ins and then quit agains, or did you just quit once? I ask because I'm thinking that like drinking, it really is a mindset. You have to really want to stop. I think a couple weeks ago I wasn't fully committed...I wanted to both smoke and be a non-smoker, and a few failed attempts made me realize that I have to choose. Also, I have realized that I don't do much in moderation. Either I'm not smoking or I'm smoking about 15 cigarettes a day. Can't have just one...

jdooner

Good for you Kadidee. I think your mindset is perfect, actually. Good job! Seems like you have set yourself up for success - welcome to the non smoker club:-)

advbike

Kadi, I had a few slips first. I had not been smoking that long - maybe 6 months or a year - it was something I picked up after my divorce while I was in the process of trashing myself in every way possible. I cut back to 6 a day, then picked a day and did it. A new routine or goal really helps too. You're definitely on the right track!

Oceanlady

Kadidee,I don't know how much you smoke, but I am praying for you. The friends I just visited in Canada are out of control chain smokers. I knew they smoked but could never imagine the degree of their addiction. They want to quite but it will terribly difficult at this point. I'm taking up five times in a very nice resturant to go out to smoke.she is 49, her lungs sound like a 60 yr old with. COPD! Beat it K!

Venecia

Hi, all --

JD, I had to chuckle when you brought up "Lost." It was one of my all-time favorite shows and I agree with your observation that we, our class, are together for a purpose.

For instance, I took great heart in the outpouring of support for you, Else, though I was largely able to only observe from a distance. It took great courage for you to confide what has happened. I think you've been through the wringer. The only thing I can add to the wise insights of classmates is that maybe it's time to talk with your physician about inpatient options. You've been through so much. There will never be a convenient time for that option, but it may well open doors to greater serenity.

Time away from here was greatly appreciated. The pendulum swung the other way, though, landing back in MSP. Lots of memories of traveling with Dad -- some real guffaws, actually. Today, the one-month anniversary, was really tough. I was out of sorts all day. Was unpleasant at work, for which I'll have to make some amends tomorrow. (I'm usually pretty nice.)

But this is life. Being in recovery doesn't give us a free pass from the tough parts, does it?

A lot of people thought the ending of "Lost" was pretty whack. I liked it. I'd like to think that's what it will be like at the end.

'Til then, I'm happy to be on this island with all of you.

May the rest of the week be sober, peaceful and healthy for all of us. I'm grateful for tomorrow.

V.

kadidee

Lost will forever remind me of getting sober. That's the show I binge-watched in the early days. It was my lifeline and saving grace, haha. I think I watched 11 episodes straight at one point.

V, I'm glad you're sharing here when you feel sad. Thinking of you. Glad the trip provided some time away.

kadidee

I'm feeding my neighbor's cats for the next 2+ weeks. My other neighbor and I are sharing responsibilities and have the nights and mornings divvied up. Went by for the first time yesterday. They have a liquor cabinet with open bottles in a central part of the living room. I did a double take...not used to seeing alcohol out in the open like that since I don't keep it in my house, obviously. For a hot minute, my sneaky self had a vision of me secretly opening and tasting the different bottles. I don't want to drink but I need to remain vigilant. So odd--I could go out and buy alcohol anytime I want but I don't. And I'm not even tempted by the wine aisle anymore. But seeing those half full bottles in my neighbor's house was alluring for a second, like it 'wouldn't count' because it was not mine. Yeah, right. It will be fine but wanted to get these thoughts out there. I wonder if I will ever just look at liquor bottles neutrally, as if they were Sprite.

advbike

Nope, because they're not neutral. The stuff's poison, and I expect at some point that's what you'll see, like a bottle of drano.. then again I personally always had an aversion to hard liquor, so maybe it's just me, lol..

jdooner

I loved Vodka. It got the job done without the taste. I have always hated all booze but loved the buzz. I wrote about similar feelings and ideation early in my recovery when attending a Holiday party at work in December. I had ideas, not typical of shotgunning a bottle of Belvedere. This was not normal when I was drinking (did do it a few times though) but its what went through my head. I was "whiteknuckling" during this period and in hindsight suggested a program that needed strengthening. I am not saying this is the case with you but it was with me.

Today, I have zero thoughts of drinking. But this only happened quite recently and was very spiritual in nature. I don't share with many, as I too would think I have lost it to share my experiences. I can say without a doubt that there has been a major shift in my thinking and truly have zero thoughts of booze. Its interesting this occurred last week when things with my wife were at a low. I will be interested to see if this lasts too. But loving it now!

kadidee

I never like hard alcohol unless I was already drunk and that's all there was left. I'm just not accustomed to seeing it out in the open like that. Maybe like Drano in a way, haha...you typically keep it in a cabinet because it IS poisonous.

advbike

Elsewhere, I'm thinking about you and wondering how you're doing. What's going on? Have you made a plan? Been to a meeting? Enjoying the weather?

Elseware

I've not much to say, actually. I'm just getting from one day to the next. I don't have energy to do much. I've been seeing my doctor often and I feel good that I told him every gory detail of the truth. I just let it all out. He has been gentle and supportive. He is changing meds on me and this is hard because they may not be addicting per se, but discontinuing them makes me feel very strange. Up and down but mostly paralyzed with depression and anxiety. He feels that I have a classic case of bipolar disorder. I asked him if he wanted me to go to AA and he said he'd like me to hold off until I get stabilized.

As I said, not much to say except I've been reading up on bipolar disorder and the diagnosis sure explains a lot of things about me. It makes me feel validated. I'm coming to terms with the disease aspect of my addictions. And that I have a real mental health issue. The doctor is the best psychiatrist I could find and comes highly recommended. So I'm going to do what he says even though the meds might be hard to take because they do have side effects. But I'd do anything, I think, at this point to feel better. I don't even care if I feel good. I just don't want to have this crippling depression. It really is indescribable. I am in tears a lot or extremely agitated. At least I haven't gone and spent all the money or something.

Bob is not working so we've been walking together and being quiet. Cooking together and watching movies. We took a horse ride. And we've been enjoying our kitten and our dogs. He feels good so that is one worry off my mind. And it is so comforting that he is so supportive with the mental health issue. He's also been very careful to keep any drugs away from me without making a big issue of it.

I hope you're all doing fine. Kadidee, that must have been a rather surreal experience coming upon a whole bar like that. It'd be like me walking into a pharmacy all alone.....Nobody to know. I can imagine how you must have felt. At this point I doubt I would have been able to resist. You did wonderfullywell. I don't even feel like I belong with you all anymore but I guess you're stuck with me because I'm not going away. And I'm not going to stop trying to get better.

Hmmmm.....looks like I did have a few things to say. Thank you all for caring and for being so supportive over the last months.

Ornithology

We are all in the same boat, so you are stuck with us as well. I'm glad you have a good, caring physician, as that can be half the battle sometimes.

Elseware

Kadidee, I feel like going on a tv watching extravaganza and I have never watched "Lost". I think I'm going to try that one out on your recommendation. I know it is a complicated show and it seems like it will be fun to watch all at once. I watched "Breaking Bad" and "The Walking Dead" like that and really enjoyed both of them. Oh also "the Sopranos" was really good, too.

It feels good to be back on SR. Right now I feel normal. That feels good, too.

jdooner

I also recommend The Wire, Rubicon, Mad Men, Homeland...will try to think of a few more. OH, House of Cards is excellent and Damages.