rockstonic

I'm running on like two hours of sleep, so I'm a little loopy, but just tried to go to the pharmacy, couldn't find my credit card, and went an hour long goose chase. You know where it was? The dumpster. I got really really angry and kicked myself for being a crazy drunk who misplaces everything, but then I realized that it was just a grocery bag I had thrown out from my car and I have a bad habit of sticking my credit card in my shopping bags when I'm in a rush. Not a crazy drunk thing. Just a silly forgetful me thing. So I just spent a few minutes rustling through a compost heap, but I got a good laugh out of it and I'm going to get a good shower out of it. It's really hard not to kick myself over the small stuff, but sometimes being scatterbrained is kind of funny. The look on my boyfriend's face when I showed up from the pharmacy covered in leaves was pretty good.

I could really use some sleep but gonna cook myself some dinner and maybe have some more tea.

MariahGayle, what kind of tea are you having? I like ginger most nights myself.

Dee74

LOL I'm glad you found it

D

Adnamaeel

I'm glad you didn't drink too, Mariah, and going to the coast with your grandson will make it even more worth it. Congratulations on 40 days! That's a huge accomplishment.
I'm not up for long, I have a very long day of vending tomorrow, so I'm trying to go to sleep early. Sweet dreams.

MariahGayle

I'm glad you found it too Rock...I probably wouldn't have handled that as well as you did The only decaf tea I had here was throat coat tea, which has licorice root in it and is very tasty...added a few drops of herbal anxiety soother....not really having any anxiety but figured it wouldn't hurt to mellow me out a bit. So glad you are back here...be good to yourself this week-end...eat well, drink lots of water & rest as much as you can

MariahGayle

Thank You Adna & Sweet Dreams to you too Have a good day tomorrow!!

rockstonic

Haha thanks, I was pretty annoyed. But it has been a long day. That sounds delicious. I just realized that I bought some tea called rest and considering my insomnia, it might help with the rest. And thanks! I'll do my best to be nice to myself, although it's a big problem of mine. 40 days is amazing! And the coast sounds great! I miss the ocean.

areyoukittenme

Well, I survived my long night of work. Figured since I was up I'd go outside and check out the meteor shower but it seems like a dud so far. I did catch a few meteors in other parts of the sky, so at least I didn't get cold for nothing.

Glad you're still with us, rockstonic.

Night all.

SolitaryThinker

oh my I know that feeling all too well! I get so frantic and scattered when I'm missing something important, I can't even think and just keep looking in the same 2 useless spots over and over in a frenzy. The credit card worries me too here in NY. At home in the suburbs not so much, but if I dropped or left a credit card or bank card someone in the busier areas of the city, it will absolutely be used somehow before I could realize and report it stollen. Honestly, the stress of trying to keep track of all my items was giving me a huge amount of anxiety, Espically my iPhone. Both my jobs rely off the fact I use a phone and although my contacts are backed up, there are people I work with that I have never met face to face, serious bug out if I lost those numbers. Also, a broken iPhone is bad, I took mine to the apple store, completely not thinking, my phone didn't break physically, the power button stopped working and screen shut off, under warrantee so I go to get it replaced. Little to my knowledge if you say "no" when asked if you back up, they grab your phone and plug it into one of the countless apple computers in the store. (Anyone who has been in an apple store knows what I'm talking about)
Anyway, little did I know, this backup included all my photos and videos, which I had already on a drive. Well as least graphic as possable, nude photos of myself and one or two of my lady start popping up and scrolling by. I'm honestly the type of person that I wasn't particularly embarrassed by this, but my girl insanely was, and I think the poor kid working in the apple store was more shaken up then either of us, lol random story but it's 2:07 and I'm wide awak with work tomorrow, gotta do something to not focus on or fight it. Thankfully I'm the kind of human that can stay up all night sober and function the next morning, but will crash so hard in the afternoon. I have a lot running thru my head. I usually talk on the phone or video chat with my fiancé if she isn't with me, but she's i. Atlantic city with her family. She felt really guilty and bad herself going. She felt like she was abandoning me in a time when I needed her probably the most, but I have been def on a bit of an up these past few days, and I told her 30 different ways (patiently!) that she deserves and fun weekend, and it's just with her mom and dad. She is also a great woman, and I also am not the "jealous" type. Thankfully that's one thing I don't suffer with irrational thoughts about, I have seen 100% friends without issues like these at all, completely ruin and destroy perfectly good relationships really really fast. I was raised by all woman and despite the circumstances with my father, growing up with all girls makes me a sensitive guy, I actually tested kinda low for testosterone which makes me almost effeminate a little, hurtful people have called me gay before, and although I have no problem with it, and actually kissed a guy before just to make sure, and hang out with many many gay people (club scene) I am every comfortable in myself with that stuff.
I'm also the kind of person that when someone does something like that to me I try to keep it cool and sorta push it off without really letting it bother me, and most of the time a really don't. I wear some pretty crazy clothes on a normal day just for the hell of it, cause I'm sick of seeing everyone's boring same old blahs and grays. I'm eccentric and just different, and people hate it. Like I really am doing some serious mental work on myself in many ways, but then also I'm still 28, and feel around 16 with 28 year old responability, i can be insanely respectful and polite when it's necessary, and I don't have a filthy mouth when I'm in public places or at the dinner table at home. But seriously booze was a way way way larger issue for me then drugs and whatnot. Both were bad, but I was able to feel booze tearing my life apart from the inside. My entire family on moms and dad's side are bad, out of everyone only one of my uncles recovered, and he's a fire fighter, a real man in my eyes. NYFD none the less. My "friends" and people I know, they wake up after a night of us hanging and they are like "ungh never again" and couldent even think about another drink. I knew when I was only 28 (and actually it's been bad for several years) and I was getting up for work and having 2/3 bud wisers, a hit or two of pot, and some kind of prescription for breakfast. Then just caffeine and water all day at work, the runs and throwing up every day, not to be gross but I had accidents in my pants the last year of drinking then I probably had as a kid from kindergarten till middle scho or whatever. Most 20 something years old don't have like serious hardcore problems like that, not the people I know at least I'm def the worst drunk, but that's the thing, I really stayed out of trouble with drinking, drugs got me caught. It's just so hard for me to fit in now a days, I feel too young for the hardcore AA guys, and too young to be having serious issues like this. Sorry getting stuff out, I tried on paper and I just stared at it tapping my pen...

freein14

Morning everyone,

Rocks, welcome back. Is there anything you can learn from the last few days, anything you can change or be prepared for over the few days/weeks?

Kat, good luck with your race today, we're cheering for you.

3777, I love your "happy place", I always feel energised by water falls or fast flowing rivers.

Topspin, great to hear about your day yesterday, you're right sobriety does give us a new freedom. You sound great.

ST, that's a very beautiful ring. Also, thank you for posting your pictures yesterday - that young man definitely deserves to be loved, to be happy and to be healthy. What's going on in the last picture? looks interesting.

Greenturtle, congrats on reaching a month tomorrow! That's fabulous.

Unfortunately I have to do the shopping today, I'm going early so that there's no little gremlin telling me to walk down the drinks isle. The gremlin doesn't wake up very early, so I'm ok at least until lunch time. I have to stock up on some of that mixed berry juice.

It's a gardening day today, well, more of a war really, against the slugs and snails who persist in eating my seedlings. I can't kill anything, so I tend to catch them and rehome them. But they all seem to return for their nightly feast each evening. I'm thinking of putting a dab of paint on their shells to identify any "returnees", it might be interesting to see how far the little critters will travel just for a runner bean leaf.

I'm not really counting days much, but this weekend is 5 weeks alcohol free for me. I'm a teatotaller, yep, that's me.

Hope everyone has a good day planned. Stay happy and focused.

freein14

ST, hope you're sleeping soundly, sweet dreams.

rockstonic

I get you on the young thing ST. I'm only 25, but a year ago (almost to the day, ugh) I was coming off a bender that ended with me vomiting blood. And while that's the worst it's ever been, I've seen some bad days since. Maybe that's why I've been so stressed, in part. Cause things are BETTER I'm just not there yet.

And freein, I think in my periods of sobriety I keep getting obsessed with fixing everything at once. And I get really impatient and feel really disappointed when my to do list isn't getting done. I had a week off last week and I couldn't even enjoy it because I felt really guilty about having a week off and not getting enough done. And then I started a really intense schedule this week. I feel like I've been adding distractions, which has been helpful in some way, but what I'm really missing is how to just RELAX and be okay with where I am. I feel kind of like a ghost in the machine sometimes. Like I outwardly seem okay like I'm going through the mechanisms to get things done but I feel like my mind and body aren't clicking yet. I just feel really guilty all the time, even when nothing's wrong. I'm not sure how to fix that feeling, but I'd like to. I also need to avoid cooking with alcohol, cause yeah that was stupid.

SolitaryThinker

oh man this is so so accurate, you did an amazing job puting it into words, that's insanely how I feel like exactly, let's make sure we push eachother on. Puking all the time was no good for me too cause I have bad allgeries/sinuses from sniffing stuff, so If I start getting sick I can breathe at all and chocked on beer/bile a few times. I'm glad that blood was enough to show realty to the situation, I have friends that are really bad with the drinking and drugs, and post about how they caughed up blood and it's kinda humorous. Extremely terrifying for me, slowly I'm starting to see more and more I legit want this for myself, but at first I wasn't even worried about myself honestly, I sensed a dwi right around the corner, I wouldent drive wasted ever and actually would drink way more at home. Knowing I had my car always stopped me, but it was selfish, I need my license for both my jobs really bad, as well as just a general ID card for a bunch of other things. My old car got flooded completely by hurricane sandy but I'm working real hard to keep it running, I seriously am scarishly starting to see maybe why my dad killed himself when he was looking at his 3 rd dwi, he drove a fridge food service truck to colleges in the NY area and also partially owned a deli decent distance from where i lived. Now it happened when I was 7ish but I only found out a year an a half ago that it was a suicide, and he shot himself in the face on the beach, one of my favorite places...
Some people would want to hope that that person is looking over them. Or like a guardian type of deal, and others want passed ones to "remain" in spirit. Obviously, he was tormented for some reason, I don't believe my mom still told me the entire story. I found out myself online kinda, asked some people in person I grew up around, and someone close to me not in my family told me. I know the counclers told her to not tell us at such a young age but I really can't believe I found this out now, it really bought back feelings from a young lad that I thought I was long long past...now I have a hard time trusting much of anything in my family other then the day to day talk and "how waS your day"
A HUGE thing that I think is weighing me down, is not necessarily the fact that my dad actually killed himself as much as why? The messed up things is that adults really think that kids aren't gonna remember, and my mom was really really drunk at the time, but a year or so after the accident which would have made me 9, my mom sold my dad's car to a friend at the time, and I vividly rember that the pieces weren't adding up, why would my friends dad have my not here dads car, I remember the smell, the feel, it was his...I kept asking and getting lied to, my mom said sorry she let it get out of hand and even others are like "you can't stay mad, she was just trying to protect you" but f that
I sill don't believe that he was just drunk and looking at a 3rd dwi, people do time for far worse and get out. I don't want closer, just some friggen honesty, I'm also kinda dumb for believing anything would be different honestly. That's partially why I'm so open about everything, I was lied to bad, and I'm not gonna lie to anyone else, what you see is what you get

SolitaryThinker

no I haven't had this happen in a while but I'm wide awake, not much caffeine today either, just racing...I'm not even fighting it, I'm laying down with the lights as low as possable without being off and watching infomercials lol...I learned very quickly (Espically doing coke) that driving yourself crazy trying to lay down in darkness will make your day even worse...once it hits like 4 I just accept I'm gonna stay up, I gotta get up at 6:45, 2.5 hours throws me off honestly

rockstonic

Yeah, I'm in school so I'm not big in the game of driving around but when I have too much free time during the day I start spinning sometimes and that's when I get into trouble. But at least there's no driving when I'm spinning.

It sounds like there are missing pieces like you said. If it we're me I'd want to know as much as I could about all those pieces. It sounds like having that closure would really help. I too have some history of suicide and alcoholism in my family. I think that there's sometimes more to the story than people let on about the demons that they're fighting until it's too late to help. It just sounds really hard that you've been kept so in the dark.

I've been racing since yesterday, as you put it. Two hours of sleep and awake for 20 hours now. But I know my mind isn't just going to tire itself out yet. I just keep eating and drinking fluids and marathoning forensic files, haha. I kind of hate the racing though. It is TIRING.

SolitaryThinker

yea all I want is some answers, what do you go to school for?

SolitaryThinker

thanks rock

Upward2Enlightenment

That's a beautiful ring ST, be ready for the tears when you give it to her. They will be good tears though.

Sorry you two can't sleep.

I am going to try and get some more, will probably regret it later.

Upward2Enlightenment

Morning everyone, hope you all have a great Saturday.

We have an obligation to ourselves to be the best person that we can for ourselves, then we can be a better person to those around us.
Even when you learn someone's past, you can not judge their actions for you did not live with the choices that where possible then.
When we look back and think what could have been, should have been, or shouldn't have...we must remember that we did not have the knowledge or experience we have now.
Whether you like those choices or not, they have made you who you are today and that is something that we should never be ashamed of.
Be proud of who you have become in life for no one else can fill that spot.

freein14

Thanks UP, beautifully said.

You have a great day too.

SolitaryThinker

that was an awesome saying to (kinda) wake up to, thank you