Class Of December 2013 - Part 3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 286
Zero, I also have a dog who just turned 15 so I hear you on all of that. She is really struggling in a lot of ways. I have to carry her up and down the stairs and I can tell she gets very confused. Sometimes I let her out in the backyard and when she scratches to get in, I open the door and she looks up at me like "Who are you?" It's a heartbreaker. I'm afraid she won't live much longer. And I think I mentioned I lost a 17 year old cat this summer. That cat even pre-dated my marriage. Aside from family and few old friends, he was the longest relationship I'd ever had. Sigh.
Anyway, your sweet dog is lucky to have you and vice versa. And boy do I relate about feeling down. I've been incredibly depressed for days. I guess it's stuff I used to get to tamp down with wine. Headed to therapy tomorrow. Hopefully that helps.
Waking up to Day 39 tomorrow. Whew. This has been the hardest week yet. Not in terms of danger of drinking, but in terms of feeling so blue that I can hardly stop crying.
Goodnight all,
Jackie
Anyway, your sweet dog is lucky to have you and vice versa. And boy do I relate about feeling down. I've been incredibly depressed for days. I guess it's stuff I used to get to tamp down with wine. Headed to therapy tomorrow. Hopefully that helps.
Waking up to Day 39 tomorrow. Whew. This has been the hardest week yet. Not in terms of danger of drinking, but in terms of feeling so blue that I can hardly stop crying.
Goodnight all,
Jackie
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Tired tonight & it is only Tuesday - Muhv, glad you are feeling better & good to see your posts again
Congrats on 30 day Actual!! Hope the date go's well - Im the last person to give advice on that.....Every relationship I have ever been in has been with other alcoholic or alcoholic addicts....feel like those relationships never stood a chance.
When my 2 youngest boy's were little, I decided to "buckle" down, made huge changes in my life & ended up not dating or anything for 12 years. 2 1/2 years ago I decided to go out one night after drinking here at home, went down to the bar about 1/4 mile from my house (I did not step foot inside a bar for that 12 years either)....walked into this bar by myself (something Im very comfortable doing as I was a bartender in one of my other lives)....who do I meet & fall for but an alcoholic with bullet holes & stab wounds...thats MY man Fell very hard for this man, but as my drinking was "taking off", he & the one woman I was close to (would confide in her about my feeling for him) must have sat around one day talking about my problem with the drinking & well, you can guess the rest.
Really, Really hoping with sobriety will come a healthy relationship. Well, there is a little tid bit about me. The thought that a drink would be nice crossed my mind on the way home, but I "reviewed" the outcome of that & didn't.
Congrats on 30 day Actual!! Hope the date go's well - Im the last person to give advice on that.....Every relationship I have ever been in has been with other alcoholic or alcoholic addicts....feel like those relationships never stood a chance.
When my 2 youngest boy's were little, I decided to "buckle" down, made huge changes in my life & ended up not dating or anything
for 12 years. 2 1/2 years ago I decided to go out one night after drinking here at home, went down to the bar about 1/4 mile from my house (I did not step foot inside a bar for that 12 years either)....walked into this bar by myself (something Im very comfortable doing as I was a bartender in one of my other lives)....who do I meet & fall for but an alcoholic with bullet holes & stab wounds...thats MY man Fell very hard for this man, but as my drinking was "taking off", he & the one woman I was close to (would confide in her about my feeling for him) must have sat around one day talking about my problem with the drinking & well, you can guess the rest.Really, Really hoping with sobriety will come a healthy relationship. Well, there is a little tid bit about me. The thought that a drink would be nice crossed my mind on the way home, but I "reviewed" the outcome of that & didn't.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
After I posted above I found myself crying about one of my best friends who drank himself to death. I was so angry with him and about it that I don't think I ever grieved. I think that's part of what's happening here. I'm on day 33 and my highs are high and my lows are down low. I've been reading about letting ourselves feel, and I resisted believing it at first. Now I realize the resistance was an indication that I wasn't yet ready to admit the literature was right. I love to feel, but I love to feel ecstasy. I love to feel exhilaration and excitement. But I've avoided grief. In fact, it's becoming obvious that I have some complicated grief issues going back to high school when I witnessed the death of a good friend. Alcohol has hindered my ability to self-actualize, and I didn't want to face it. I'm grieving, not only for those I've lost, but for self that was lost. I know I need to focus on the present and rebuild for the future, but for a little bit I need to let myself look back and cry about what I've lost. Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't horrible. I wasn't a sad drunk. In fact, I'm a sad tea-sucker. I loved to party and had a heck of a lot of fun doing it. It just went too far. I've made some bad decisions. I'm rediscovering my spirituality. When I look at my past it is truly amazing I lived through it. I have numerous friends who didn't. There's this guy named Jerry Joseph who wrote this song in rehab. Thanks god I'm no junkie, but many of these lyrics ring true for me:
I got two balloons - a red one and a white one
I found them underneath somebody's tongue
Two balloons - a means to find my courage
cuz it's easier and cleaner than a gun
Well, I lie to you and everybody else I know
I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that I'm well
and I fear the truth and lie at every meeting
it's important to impress you with the chill
If I could give you any gift I'd give you faith and comfort in your eyes
but I left my higher power and I did not have the nerve to say goodbye
If I could fly I'd make like a coyote
and I'd try to shake the shame like it's a trap
afraid to die while killing myself slowly
it means paying less attention to the man
Girl, I'd love to tell you something but I haven't got the words you wanna hear
so I sit here with my balloons, a painless way to kill a couple years
And I will try to cool my head and calm my heart...
and I knew that it would kill me but I hoped that I could own it in the end
til then I was proud and happy to consider my balloons my only friends...
I got two balloons - a red one and a white one
I found them underneath somebody's tongue
Two balloons - a means to find my courage
cuz it's easier and cleaner than a gun
Well, I lie to you and everybody else I know
I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that I'm well
and I fear the truth and lie at every meeting
it's important to impress you with the chill
If I could give you any gift I'd give you faith and comfort in your eyes
but I left my higher power and I did not have the nerve to say goodbye
If I could fly I'd make like a coyote
and I'd try to shake the shame like it's a trap
afraid to die while killing myself slowly
it means paying less attention to the man
Girl, I'd love to tell you something but I haven't got the words you wanna hear
so I sit here with my balloons, a painless way to kill a couple years
And I will try to cool my head and calm my heart...
and I knew that it would kill me but I hoped that I could own it in the end
til then I was proud and happy to consider my balloons my only friends...
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Hillbilly Girl, we're all buckling down now, eh? You can stay away from that bar. Take care of yourself, and when you're feeling plenty strong, maybe it will be time to find a healthy place to find a man that's not so wounded.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 150
Hello fellow Decemberites! 33 days sober for me today. I have to admit, today was the most difficult for me yet. I was emotional today but tried to remain optimistic. I was definitely out of sorts today however I felt 100% better than being hungover, anxious, sick and tired. After work today my office celebrated the departure of one of our colleagues by attending a local bar/restaurant. I was not at all interested in the booze and stuck to the club soda. No one asked me why I wasn't drinking. I'm not sure anyone even noticed to tell you the truth. I've told some of my co-workers on other occasions that I don't drink any more. No one seems to care.
Jackie - my little feline will be 23 in April. I'm not sure if he'll make it until then as he is getting pretty thin and frail. He is an awesome boy and I too will miss him dearly.
Jackie - my little feline will be 23 in April. I'm not sure if he'll make it until then as he is getting pretty thin and frail. He is an awesome boy and I too will miss him dearly.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 150
It was a really weird day for me, I was all over the map. Zero, we both ended up tonight here at SR and that's a good thing! Now that I know we have the same dates, I'm going to be watching you Zero! No pressure. Lol.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Zero, thanks for sharing that.....HUGE that you are "feeling" those old hurts. You are doing great & inspire me Congrats to you too Stomper & good to see you here tonight too! I smile every time I see your avatar Night All!!
Congrats to you too Stomper & good to see you here tonight too! I smile every time I see your avatar Night All!!
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Called in sick just to take care of myself, but actually do have a killer headache. Spent all morning reading The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction by Williams and Kraft. I started a couple of weeks ago and have been doing the exercises. Just got to the mindfulness and meditation part. Good to have some new ideas about basic meditation. I especially like the idea of imaginary lions, that anxiety is rooted in the amygdala fight or flight response, but anxiety is often about thinking about possible threats and having the response unnecessarily. The meditation idea is to think of thoughts as animals in a savanna, and allowing them to pass through. If you get stuck on one, go back to the clearing. I picked it up because of the reviews and the subtitle: "A Guide to Coping with the Grief, Stress, and Anger that Trigger Addictive Behaviors." Sounded like it was for me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 286
Hi everyone,
Stomper, 23 is amazing for a cat! Wow. That's a testament to a lot of love and care from you over the years. They inhabit our hearts so completely, don't they? I'll miss my little couch buddy so much. The vet gave him some IV fluids and appetite stimulant yesterday but he still hasn't eaten, so I think tomorrow should probably be the day I make the decision for him that he can't make. Anyway, it's good to see you here. And your comment that you're "all over the map" is a perfect description of this roller coaster ride. I'm glad it's not just me.
Zero, I'm so sorry about your friend. How completely tragic. Those words are intense. I hope your headache subsides. Sometimes it feels like it's hitting us from all directions. I suppose that's part of why it felt necessary to drown it out with alcohol. It's like taking off sunglasses on a really bright day. It's good and it's light but it can also hurt because it's so much.
Day 39. I thought yesterday was 39 but it's today. Headed to the therapist, thank goodness. Between the issues with the ex, the issues with one of my kids, and the poor dying cat, I'm a mess. Sometimes I think I pay her all that money just to cry for 50 minutes.
Everyone check in when they can!
Stomper, 23 is amazing for a cat! Wow. That's a testament to a lot of love and care from you over the years. They inhabit our hearts so completely, don't they? I'll miss my little couch buddy so much. The vet gave him some IV fluids and appetite stimulant yesterday but he still hasn't eaten, so I think tomorrow should probably be the day I make the decision for him that he can't make. Anyway, it's good to see you here. And your comment that you're "all over the map" is a perfect description of this roller coaster ride. I'm glad it's not just me.
Zero, I'm so sorry about your friend. How completely tragic. Those words are intense. I hope your headache subsides. Sometimes it feels like it's hitting us from all directions. I suppose that's part of why it felt necessary to drown it out with alcohol. It's like taking off sunglasses on a really bright day. It's good and it's light but it can also hurt because it's so much.
Day 39. I thought yesterday was 39 but it's today. Headed to the therapist, thank goodness. Between the issues with the ex, the issues with one of my kids, and the poor dying cat, I'm a mess. Sometimes I think I pay her all that money just to cry for 50 minutes.
Everyone check in when they can!
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Hey, friends. I just noticed there are gray, green, or red dots under our avatars in the lower left. I tried to figure out what that was about, and it seems to be about reputation. There was some info under FAQ, but I'm not sure I'm tracking. If I have been given a negative reputation, is there a way to figure out why? If I'm way off base, anybody know what this is about? I'll contact admin if nobody here knows or responds. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,597
What is reputation?
Reputation is a way of rating users depending on the quality of their posts. If the administrators have enabled reputation, then the reputation icon will be visible in posts.
Reputation may be positive Positive Reputation Icon , negative Negative Reputation Icon or neutral Neutral Reputation Icon. Negative reputation may only be given if the administrator has enabled this. Neutral reputation is only given when the person giving reputation does not meet the criteria set by the administrator to affect someone else's reputation.
How do I give reputation?
To give reputation, click on the reputation icon in the relevant post. This will reveal a form to complete with the reputation type and the reason for giving the reputation. If negative reputation is disabled then it will not be displayed in this form. You may not give reputation for the same post twice.
How do I know what reputation I have received?
You can view the reputation that you have received in your User CP (User Control Panel) where it is displayed at the bottom of the User CP page. Here you will see the latest reputation that you have received and whether this is positive, negative or neutral. Your total reputation will be shown as series of reputation indicators in your posts and profile. The more positive your reputation, the more positive icons will be shown. The more negative your reputation the more negative icons will be shown.
How much reputation is given? What is reputation power?
If the administrator has enabled this, the amount of reputation that each user will give (or take away if negative) is shown in the user's posts as 'Reputation Power'. The value of the reputation power is determined by the administrator and may increase over time depending on the settings they have applied.
What if I don't want anyone to see my reputation?
You can disable the display of your reputation by going to your User CP and selecting Edit Options. On this page you will find a check box labelled 'Show Your Reputation Level'. Un-checking this box will remove the display of your reputation and replace it with the Reputation Disabled icon. You can still give and receive reputation while your reputation display is disabled.
Reputation is a way of rating users depending on the quality of their posts. If the administrators have enabled reputation, then the reputation icon will be visible in posts.
Reputation may be positive Positive Reputation Icon , negative Negative Reputation Icon or neutral Neutral Reputation Icon. Negative reputation may only be given if the administrator has enabled this. Neutral reputation is only given when the person giving reputation does not meet the criteria set by the administrator to affect someone else's reputation.
How do I give reputation?
To give reputation, click on the reputation icon in the relevant post. This will reveal a form to complete with the reputation type and the reason for giving the reputation. If negative reputation is disabled then it will not be displayed in this form. You may not give reputation for the same post twice.
How do I know what reputation I have received?
You can view the reputation that you have received in your User CP (User Control Panel) where it is displayed at the bottom of the User CP page. Here you will see the latest reputation that you have received and whether this is positive, negative or neutral. Your total reputation will be shown as series of reputation indicators in your posts and profile. The more positive your reputation, the more positive icons will be shown. The more negative your reputation the more negative icons will be shown.
How much reputation is given? What is reputation power?
If the administrator has enabled this, the amount of reputation that each user will give (or take away if negative) is shown in the user's posts as 'Reputation Power'. The value of the reputation power is determined by the administrator and may increase over time depending on the settings they have applied.
What if I don't want anyone to see my reputation?
You can disable the display of your reputation by going to your User CP and selecting Edit Options. On this page you will find a check box labelled 'Show Your Reputation Level'. Un-checking this box will remove the display of your reputation and replace it with the Reputation Disabled icon. You can still give and receive reputation while your reputation display is disabled.
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
Howdy. I see my red dot is gone, and Jackie's green dot is gone, and we've all gone gray. Don't know what that was all about. I just wondered about that red dot because I think I'm respectful, even if I am a little edgy sometimes. I've got nothing but positive or neutral feedback from members and administrators. Maybe it was a malfunction.
Gonna go walk the dogs. Let's all love each other, eh? Never know how long any of us are for this world, furry creatures or not (wife says I qualify as a furry creature).
Gonna go walk the dogs. Let's all love each other, eh? Never know how long any of us are for this world, furry creatures or not (wife says I qualify as a furry creature).
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