After I posted above I found myself crying about one of my best friends who drank himself to death. I was so angry with him and about it that I don't think I ever grieved. I think that's part of what's happening here. I'm on day 33 and my highs are high and my lows are down low. I've been reading about letting ourselves feel, and I resisted believing it at first. Now I realize the resistance was an indication that I wasn't yet ready to admit the literature was right. I love to feel, but I love to feel ecstasy. I love to feel exhilaration and excitement. But I've avoided grief. In fact, it's becoming obvious that I have some complicated grief issues going back to high school when I witnessed the death of a good friend. Alcohol has hindered my ability to self-actualize, and I didn't want to face it. I'm grieving, not only for those I've lost, but for self that was lost. I know I need to focus on the present and rebuild for the future, but for a little bit I need to let myself look back and cry about what I've lost. Don't get me wrong, my life wasn't horrible. I wasn't a sad drunk. In fact, I'm a sad tea-sucker. I loved to party and had a heck of a lot of fun doing it. It just went too far. I've made some bad decisions. I'm rediscovering my spirituality. When I look at my past it is truly amazing I lived through it. I have numerous friends who didn't. There's this guy named Jerry Joseph who wrote this song in rehab. Thanks god I'm no junkie, but many of these lyrics ring true for me:
I got two balloons - a red one and a white one
I found them underneath somebody's tongue
Two balloons - a means to find my courage
cuz it's easier and cleaner than a gun
Well, I lie to you and everybody else I know
I'm embarrassed to acknowledge that I'm well
and I fear the truth and lie at every meeting
it's important to impress you with the chill
If I could give you any gift I'd give you faith and comfort in your eyes
but I left my higher power and I did not have the nerve to say goodbye
If I could fly I'd make like a coyote
and I'd try to shake the shame like it's a trap
afraid to die while killing myself slowly
it means paying less attention to the man
Girl, I'd love to tell you something but I haven't got the words you wanna hear
so I sit here with my balloons, a painless way to kill a couple years
And I will try to cool my head and calm my heart...
and I knew that it would kill me but I hoped that I could own it in the end
til then I was proud and happy to consider my balloons my only friends...