venuscat

How awesome to see you lovely Odelle!

So glad to have you back with us. You have been missed.

Off to the hospital, love to all.

V xx

Dee74

Welcome back Odelle

Odelle

Thanks for the warm welcome Venus and Dee. I haven't been far away, reading here almost daily, rejoicing in your triumphs and sharing your heartaches. Since June, I have been working, but the drinking has continued and has once again become daily. Enough! I am off work this week and am using this time to dry out. Day 3 today. I will be joining the class of January and look forward to a sober 2014.

Venus, I pray your father pulls through. You are an awesome daughter and he is lucky to have you.

I thank each and every one of you for sharing your experiences, you are all amazing people and touch my heart in ways you may never understand.

Wishing you all a happy and blessed New Year.

Love Odelle.

melissa6381

Thanks odelle you are so sweet. Sending you lots of love an strength, you can do this. Please keep checking in here as well.

liss74

Back to day 2 lost my way

Dee74

day 2 is better than nothing Liss.

I hope you can get to the bottom of whatever's been bothering you.

D

liss74

Feel like I've lost the will to try wish I could get it back went to meeting this morning got asked to share but just couldn't

Dee74

have you spoken to your sponsor liss?
Did she suggest anything?

D

liss74

just text her everything now

venuscat

(((hugs))) liss.

Do you remember how you felt on your little girl's birthday?
How proud you felt, and how happy you were to be able to be really present for her?
It's not easy right now, I know, but you can have that feeling again.
We're here with you hun. ♥

Love V xx

Mvngon

Hi guys.

I hope that you all had a pleasant and enjoyable holiday season, and that you are all in good spirits and good health.

I've been going through a real mental battle as to whether or not to post this, but I think I need to come clean, and start fresh with a big dose of honesty. I also post this as a cautionary tale, as this is nothing to be proud of, and I hope that my bad choices will inspire others to make better ones.

So all was going well for me, and I got through the six month mark, through the ups and downs, feeling better, looking better, and really liking myself for the first time in many years. It was about this time that I learned of my husbands illness, and I was better equipped to deal with this in my sobriety. Well, that didn't last long.

The slippery slope began in a fancy restaurant--dinner with my spouse. One glass of wine would be no big deal, right? Wrong. The night was awesome--one glass became two, and we laughed, and talked, and connected, and the next day I was okay....or so I thought.

This seemingly innocent celebration was all I needed to justify the next drinking experience. It went okay last week, why not again?? After all, my body was healthy from great exercise, nutrition, and self-care, and my mind had worked through a lot of my anger issues that I have with my husband over some horrific experiences in the past. I was no longer an angry drinker---part of the problem that led me to quit in February. This was great. I could be a "normal" social drinker---um, not so.

Flash forward to today--I have not been drinking like I was last February, but I can clearly see that this thing is escalating again, and that I am rapidly declining. I am so sad, and so disappointed in myself. My self-esteem has taken a huge nosedive, the self-esteem that I worked so hard to regain. I feel like a complete fraud. My exercise and healthy eating has deceived me, and those around me, into believing that I have some level of control, but I don't. Even if I were to never reach the terrible, life-threatening state I was in before, I am crushing my soul. And let's be honest, I will be right back in that same place soon if I don't pull the reigns in now.

I can never be a "normal" drinker. I have tried. I shouldn't have, but I did. The thing that is most obvious to me at this moment, is how that one uneventful drinking experience took me right back to the self loathing state I was in last February. It didn't happen immediately, but for every time I had a glass of wine, I chipped away a little more of my self-respect, which put new scars on my soul.

Please, please, please, do not pick up that one glass. Things will not be okay. Not at all. I am so disappointed in myself.

Today is a new day. Today I will be brutally honest with myself, and accept the truth. I can NEVER drink again.

Be well guys.

Much love,

MV

Mvngon

One more thought I want to add, or reiterate---

I feel like such a fraud!!! From the outside, no one would no how terribly I am doing at this moment. I managed to pull a lot of stuff together in the first six months--my disheveled home became organized and immaculate, I lost all of the weight that I needed to, I became very involved with my friends and family---things look really good from the outside looking in. All lies--I am simply maintaining a facade. It is taking too much energy too keep up this deceit. I was so much happier when I was honoring my health and well being.

Much love,

MV

venuscat

Thank you Mvngon.

That must not have been easy to say all of that.
But you're not a fraud. We are simply alcoholics trying to get well. It's not easy.

I am so far behind where I wanted to be at this point, I'm kinda horrified.
We just need to keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Love to you.

V xx

melissa6381

MV what you don't see is that I've been through this exact struggle over and over again until I came here. Always convincing myself I was ok now and ready to drink again.

There was a time when I thought I was cured, I had got a new job, new friends. They like to drink at restaurants rather than bars so I was having an easier time controlling myself... for like 3 months. Things got bad at a Halloween party so I quit again, relapsed on thanksgiving with a "new" plan to only drink beer and wine. Didn't get too drunk and had a great time. FFW to February when I woke up on a couch at my coworkers house, having not called me fiancée, and learned about all the bad things I had said/done. That's when I FINALLY realized- all roads lead back to here.

I think you need that realization to really beat this thing. Maybe your 6 month relapse wasn't a failure but a gift- to help you get back up and get sober once and for all. Either way we will be here to support you always. Lots of love, M.

melissa6381

So had a weird night. My friend is in town visiting. When she lived here she would sit at my bar and have meaningful talks for hours or we would go out together and take shots and talk nonsense. I cherish our long talks that we used to have but now when she's visiting she's busy with family all day and invites me to bars at night. She's pretty much a party girl, (possible alcoholic but not for me to judge.)

So, she invited me out last night "please please please I really want to see you I miss you"
It might have been fine but the last two times I've gone to meet her she's been plastered crying/telling me the same stories over and over. I decided that I don't want that in my life anymore told her "bars are kind of hard for me since I got sober, let's do lunch next time your in town".

She was super nice about it cause she's such a sweet girl but by telling her that might mean that I hardly ever see her anymore. I really care about her but she drinks too much to fit into my life anymore and I don't drink enough to fit into hers. There's a lot of people like that from my old life, that I bonded with people because we drank the same and when I was drunk I never wanted sober people around me who didn't understand. It was more than telling someone "sorry not tonight" it was a realization that for some friendships it's time to move on.

Mvngon

venus-Thank you for the kind words. You are right, keep moving forward, one step at a time. To me, you have made so much progress, and come so far. I hope that you take great pride in the strides you've taken. Also, how is your father doing? I'll keep sending you prayers of healing and wellness.

Melissa-Thank you too for both your kind words, and sharing your experience. I can see that your story is quite similar to mine. While at this moment, it is mainly my mind that is shattered, I can see that continuing along this path will lead to huge disasters in the near future. So far I have only hurt myself, but I can see where this is heading.

I am dedicated to turning this thing around, and willing to be very honest with myself. My alcoholism will never be cured or moderated. It must be extinguished entirely. I am going to make more of an effort to post openly and honestly, and go back to doing the things that worked well for me in the beginning. I've lost sight of some of the tools and techniques that served me well. Seriously, I just wanted to be able to drink from time to time without the crushing repercussions, but that will never happen, and I need to just accept that.

Much love,

MV

melissa6381

I have faith in you MV, welcome back.

Dee74

welcome back MV

D

Odelle

Hi Mvngon, you've got company, like I wrote in a previous thread, I fell of just shy of 100 days. I had several attempts since, but the AV kept whispering one more day, then you can quit. Six months later, I was back to where I was in February. The worst part for me is that I know better, so yes, the soul crushing disappointment in myself is very real.

Wrapping up day five, getting through the physical demands of detox. Like you, I plan on being more active on SR, posting daily in the 24 hour thread and joining the January class. Lean on me and I'll lean on you.

To show how progressive this gets, on day 3 (Saturday), my husband was in a terrible car accident with a drunk driver who turned in front of him. Fortunately, I was sober and was able to go and pick him up. His car was totaled but he was lucky to not have sustained any serious injuries. On the way home, my AV was screaming to stop and get a bottle of wine. How insane is that? No, I didn't, but if he wasn't in the car, would I have?

The more distance I put between me and the bottle, the easier it will get, I know from being here before. Don't beat yourself up, just keep moving forward and you will regain the self-respect that you had not too long ago!

Sending you love and hope.

liss74

Mvngon thank you for sharing this I feel exactly the same way I feel so discusted in myself and at the end of my drinking for the night I want to die, V