Hi guys.
I hope that you all had a pleasant and enjoyable holiday season, and that you are all in good spirits and good health.
I've been going through a real mental battle as to whether or not to post this, but I think I need to come clean, and start fresh with a big dose of honesty. I also post this as a cautionary tale, as this is nothing to be proud of, and I hope that my bad choices will inspire others to make better ones.
So all was going well for me, and I got through the six month mark, through the ups and downs, feeling better, looking better, and really liking myself for the first time in many years. It was about this time that I learned of my husbands illness, and I was better equipped to deal with this in my sobriety. Well, that didn't last long.
The slippery slope began in a fancy restaurant--dinner with my spouse. One glass of wine would be no big deal, right? Wrong. The night was awesome--one glass became two, and we laughed, and talked, and connected, and the next day I was okay....or so I thought.
This seemingly innocent celebration was all I needed to justify the next drinking experience. It went okay last week, why not again?? After all, my body was healthy from great exercise, nutrition, and self-care, and my mind had worked through a lot of my anger issues that I have with my husband over some horrific experiences in the past. I was no longer an angry drinker---part of the problem that led me to quit in February. This was great. I could be a "normal" social drinker---um, not so.
Flash forward to today--I have not been drinking like I was last February, but I can clearly see that this thing is escalating again, and that I am rapidly declining. I am so sad, and so disappointed in myself. My self-esteem has taken a huge nosedive, the self-esteem that I worked so hard to regain. I feel like a complete fraud. My exercise and healthy eating has deceived me, and those around me, into believing that I have some level of control, but I don't. Even if I were to never reach the terrible, life-threatening state I was in before, I am crushing my soul. And let's be honest, I will be right back in that same place soon if I don't pull the reigns in now.
I can never be a "normal" drinker. I have tried. I shouldn't have, but I did. The thing that is most obvious to me at this moment, is how that one uneventful drinking experience took me right back to the self loathing state I was in last February. It didn't happen immediately, but for every time I had a glass of wine, I chipped away a little more of my self-respect, which put new scars on my soul.
Please, please, please, do not pick up that one glass. Things will not be okay. Not at all. I am so disappointed in myself.
Today is a new day. Today I will be brutally honest with myself, and accept the truth. I can NEVER drink again.
Be well guys.
Much love,
MV