Class of April 2013 Part 5
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
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Welcome back, Goat, and good to hear from you, Scoutie! Was wondering what happened to you? 
45 days now. Time seems to be going so slow all of a sudden. 60 days and especially, 90 seem so far away. I know I need to just worry about today and not be so concerned with counting the days, but can't help it. Had a follow up Dr appt yesterday and I've lost 4 pounds and blood pressure has gotten better (was never high, but sometimes close) since I started my attempt to quit drinking 2 months ago. I feel so much better physically and that helps keep me motivated to stay on this path. Now if I could only get rid of that AV ....
45 days now. Time seems to be going so slow all of a sudden. 60 days and especially, 90 seem so far away. I know I need to just worry about today and not be so concerned with counting the days, but can't help it. Had a follow up Dr appt yesterday and I've lost 4 pounds and blood pressure has gotten better (was never high, but sometimes close) since I started my attempt to quit drinking 2 months ago. I feel so much better physically and that helps keep me motivated to stay on this path. Now if I could only get rid of that AV ....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
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Without going into the details, I'm going to mention that I'm having some trouble with some things that happened between my husband and I a few months ago. It was before I was sober. I've confronted him again today about things... my feelings of hurt, anger and the inability to forgive just won't go away. Going to bring this specific thing up in therapy next week. Not sure why I've kept it from her. I guess I thought it would fix itself. It just won't.
Driving to my ortho appt today, had plenty of time for thoughts to come up... and they sure did. Was stewing mad by the time I got there.
As soon as my husband got home from work today I brought it up again. He says I got what I deserved. He won't admit his wrong. He won't apologize. The best he could do was to follow me into the bathroom to hug me, but I shrugged him off... he only wants me to feel better... without admitting his part in things.
He won't go into counseling with me next week. I want him to tell her what he did, from his point of view so that there is no misunderstanding. I want it told, fair and square. He won't go in there... but he did agree to tell her over the phone when I go in to see her. So, I guess that'll have to suffice.
Driving to my ortho appt today, had plenty of time for thoughts to come up... and they sure did. Was stewing mad by the time I got there.
As soon as my husband got home from work today I brought it up again. He says I got what I deserved. He won't admit his wrong. He won't apologize. The best he could do was to follow me into the bathroom to hug me, but I shrugged him off... he only wants me to feel better... without admitting his part in things.
He won't go into counseling with me next week. I want him to tell her what he did, from his point of view so that there is no misunderstanding. I want it told, fair and square. He won't go in there... but he did agree to tell her over the phone when I go in to see her. So, I guess that'll have to suffice.
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Originally Posted by DG0409 
Dee got Morning Glory to add it in just for him. The code for it is even 
Jennie - thats a tough one. Sometimes I don't always get the response I want either.
I decide how important I think it is to me and I either fight for it, or I let it go.
D
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I think that's why I've let it go until now... thinking it wasn't that bad, or that I'd be able to get over it. It just won't go away in my mind. I need to tell the therapist. And find out from her if she thinks it's something I can get past and forgive him for. Despite the fact he maintains that he wasn't wrong for it, and that given what I said to him, it was warranted.
I just need to know if I brought this on myself, if it's my fault. I do not think it is. But I guess, above all... it looks as if I'm going to have to find a way to try to forgive my husband even though he won't apologize and thinks he's justified. It infuriates me. What he did and why he did.
I just need to know if I brought this on myself, if it's my fault. I do not think it is. But I guess, above all... it looks as if I'm going to have to find a way to try to forgive my husband even though he won't apologize and thinks he's justified. It infuriates me. What he did and why he did.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
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Originally Posted by Dee74
Jennie - thats a tough one. Sometimes I don't always get the response I want either.
I decide how important I think it is to me and I either fight for it, or I let it go.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The South Pacific
Posts: 306
I'm no marriage expert, Jennie--but I feel compelled to add my two cents.
It sounds like whatever is bothering you, is serious enough to warrant a good hard look.
Part of a therapists job is giving us tools to look at things in a different perspective, or even a totally different world view. I've had this happen to me, where really applying another viewpoint makes mine seem a bit silly, and misguided even.
My wife and I have a code. It hasn't been easy arriving at this code--but some ground rules we have laid out for ourselves is that when anything becomes too heated, and we're acting like children instead of adults: we stop. Period, done, over with. We will revisit it later. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes never.
More often than not we will resume the conversation and find that we're able to apologize to each other--and resume LISTENING, rather than waiting for the other to finish while formulating our response to what they are saying.
I think it's happened once...but we reached a point where we agreed to disagree. I couldn't even tell you what it was about today, but it seemed like a big, knock-em down, drag-em out fight at the time, and we just argued and argued, and argued. Until one of us, me I think, just said enough. We were different on this point, and if it was a deal breaker--we would have to discuss that part, as this particular horse was beyond dead.
Just a couple thoughts. I know it has helped me be married, and stay married.
It sounds like whatever is bothering you, is serious enough to warrant a good hard look.
Part of a therapists job is giving us tools to look at things in a different perspective, or even a totally different world view. I've had this happen to me, where really applying another viewpoint makes mine seem a bit silly, and misguided even.
My wife and I have a code. It hasn't been easy arriving at this code--but some ground rules we have laid out for ourselves is that when anything becomes too heated, and we're acting like children instead of adults: we stop. Period, done, over with. We will revisit it later. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes never.
More often than not we will resume the conversation and find that we're able to apologize to each other--and resume LISTENING, rather than waiting for the other to finish while formulating our response to what they are saying.
I think it's happened once...but we reached a point where we agreed to disagree. I couldn't even tell you what it was about today, but it seemed like a big, knock-em down, drag-em out fight at the time, and we just argued and argued, and argued. Until one of us, me I think, just said enough. We were different on this point, and if it was a deal breaker--we would have to discuss that part, as this particular horse was beyond dead.
Just a couple thoughts. I know it has helped me be married, and stay married.
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Originally Posted by ScoutBall
My wife and I have a code. It hasn't been easy arriving at this code--but some ground rules we have laid out for ourselves is that when anything becomes too heated, and we're acting like children instead of adults: we stop. Period, done, over with. We will revisit it later. Sometimes 15 minutes, sometimes never.
More often than not we will resume the conversation and find that we're able to apologize to each other--and resume LISTENING, rather than waiting for the other to finish while formulating our response to what they are saying.
More often than not we will resume the conversation and find that we're able to apologize to each other--and resume LISTENING, rather than waiting for the other to finish while formulating our response to what they are saying.
Today he actually got right up in my face when I confronted him on this. He's used to me getting irate. Now that I'm sober and taking all the vitamins, I don't get to that point anymore... it's really amazing. I think he is surprised at my sudden ability to control myself.
I asked him to move away from my face and quit yelling directly at me. That it was childish and ridiculous, and that I don't appreciate it. He stepped away and stayed away from that point onward. So, maybe some things are finally changing.
I guess we've gone from all out rages and breaking things, to just yelling in one another's faces... and now finally maybe we've gotten to where we can yell from across the room, or not yell at all. I was able to walk away at the end today and we didn't let things escalate.
It's nuts that I am the one who's able to stop the fights now... I used to be the one going into the rage. I guess he is confused and doesn't know what to expect anymore.
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I tried to tell him, Hey, you really hurt me... he gets so defensive now. He justifies things because he expects an irrational tirade from me. So now I can't just say, hey you hurt me... and get an honest reaction from him.
My addiction and anger has caused him to totally wall himself off. It's like he can't bear the thought of conflict. And he defends and justifies.
I can't just have a normal conversation with him. He is so used to my craziness that he won't allow me to be sober and sane now. I guess he is just trained to protect himself at this point.
We've not even been married 2 years.
My addiction and anger has caused him to totally wall himself off. It's like he can't bear the thought of conflict. And he defends and justifies.
I can't just have a normal conversation with him. He is so used to my craziness that he won't allow me to be sober and sane now. I guess he is just trained to protect himself at this point.
We've not even been married 2 years.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I would think, you need to be patient with both of you.
As you're well aware, sobriety is a big change.
For me: Thinking of how I was when I was drinking--and what it affected--read: Everything.
Means that nearly everything has changed for me.
My wife is great, and really supportive and helpful. She's a go-getter, and a "bull by the horns" kind of gal--and her enthusiasm for new, healthy things is grating sometimes.
For instance: Because I'm not hungover and simulating a coffin with my blankets on Saturday morning, she is ready to tackle the day, and go DO stuff. All I want to do is watch some cartoons, have some coffee, and grumble like an old man at the state of the morning.
We're making small steps. Now, she knows to let me wake up a little...grumble at the state of the morning, and then suggest an outing. Which, I've definitely been more receptive to as a sober person.
Our dealings with each other has changed, in that I'm not constantly buzzed, thinking about how to get drunk, or plotting how to get to the store in a ninja like fashion.
I think it's important to remember: We need to be treated gently as we heal up--and should apply it to those around us who may need to do some healing as well.
As you're well aware, sobriety is a big change.
For me: Thinking of how I was when I was drinking--and what it affected--read: Everything.
Means that nearly everything has changed for me.
My wife is great, and really supportive and helpful. She's a go-getter, and a "bull by the horns" kind of gal--and her enthusiasm for new, healthy things is grating sometimes.
For instance: Because I'm not hungover and simulating a coffin with my blankets on Saturday morning, she is ready to tackle the day, and go DO stuff. All I want to do is watch some cartoons, have some coffee, and grumble like an old man at the state of the morning.
We're making small steps. Now, she knows to let me wake up a little...grumble at the state of the morning, and then suggest an outing. Which, I've definitely been more receptive to as a sober person.
Our dealings with each other has changed, in that I'm not constantly buzzed, thinking about how to get drunk, or plotting how to get to the store in a ninja like fashion.
I think it's important to remember: We need to be treated gently as we heal up--and should apply it to those around us who may need to do some healing as well.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Scoutie-- Good to see you around.
SoberJennie- No advice really other than to keep being sober. But I wanted to say that I can definitely relate. Bf and I have been working out new dynamics since I've sobered up as well, and it hasn't always been easy. BUT I think things are getting better. Even if it's baby-steps for us too. Our fights were much worse when I was drinking as well. It really is amazing how much easier it is not to lose my cool when I'm not drinking. Keep keeping your cool and hubby will start to adapt to the changes. And really, we DO teach people how we're willing to be treated: WTG on making it clear he's not allowed to scream in your face anymore. Isn't it nice to be calm enough just to tell him it's inappropriate rather than to get caught in the cycle and yell back?
SoberJennie- No advice really other than to keep being sober. But I wanted to say that I can definitely relate. Bf and I have been working out new dynamics since I've sobered up as well, and it hasn't always been easy. BUT I think things are getting better. Even if it's baby-steps for us too. Our fights were much worse when I was drinking as well. It really is amazing how much easier it is not to lose my cool when I'm not drinking. Keep keeping your cool and hubby will start to adapt to the changes. And really, we DO teach people how we're willing to be treated: WTG on making it clear he's not allowed to scream in your face anymore. Isn't it nice to be calm enough just to tell him it's inappropriate rather than to get caught in the cycle and yell back?
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Originally Posted by DG0409
WTG on making it clear he's not allowed to scream in your face anymore. Isn't it nice to be calm enough just to tell him it's inappropriate rather than to get caught in the cycle and yell back?
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Good morning gang, well I see I hogged the thread yesterday with my venting... lol. Oh dear.
It's day 80 for me today. Looking forward to the 90 day soon. But I'm truly looking forward to the one year... because I've never gotten past a year sober. So that will truly be amazing I think.
The MFA creative writing program here at the university is now on my mind. It's probably too soon to be thinking about that, but I admit, I am. It's a top notch program. I doubt I'd be accepted. But I'm a good writer. I just need to write more and work out the kinks. It's very intimidating to me to imagine being in that program... indeed, even applying for it.
It's day 80 for me today. Looking forward to the 90 day soon. But I'm truly looking forward to the one year... because I've never gotten past a year sober. So that will truly be amazing I think.
The MFA creative writing program here at the university is now on my mind. It's probably too soon to be thinking about that, but I admit, I am. It's a top notch program. I doubt I'd be accepted. But I'm a good writer. I just need to write more and work out the kinks. It's very intimidating to me to imagine being in that program... indeed, even applying for it.
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