Enemdio

Sad, my wife and I have been having some problems this year. She drank every night but didn't get drunk - just a bit tipsy. I got fed up with her dozing off every night in front of the television and also that I couldn't really talk to her when she was drinking. It was like she wasn't really there - she was never nasty or abusive or anything like that - just a bit dopey and sleepy it all the time.

Once I'd started to come out of my lethargy and wanted to start living properly I got frustrated with this every night. Anyway, we had a serious chat a few weeks ago and she agreed to confine her drinking to the weekend - Friday, Saturday and Sunday night - so far, so good - it's definitely improved things. I just hope she sticks to it and doesn't start slipping back gradually to 7 nights a week.

Dee74

congratulations Gerbosko

A lot of people have spouses who drink Sad - it presents more of a challenge but I don't believe it needs to be a dealbreaker.

There's a lot of support around, here and in the real world - and I think most people utilise that

D

Enemdio

Dee,
It seems to me there are two different aspects to sobriety. The first is breaking the addiction cycle and going through all the withdrawals, cravings and physiochemical realignments which, in my case took a good few months.

Then, there's the psychosocial adjustment to living alcohol-free forever. I'm surprised to say that I think I'm finding the latter more of a challenge. This last year has been a hell of a ride. I think it puts a great deal of strain on a relationship when one breaks the addiction and the other carries on. It's like they stand foreverything you stand against!

Despite this, giving up drinking is the best, and hardest, thing I've ever done.

Dee74

I absolutely agree with you General - hard as it was I think the initial not drinking phase was easier.

There's a lot of reward and a lot of gifts that spring from the second life building phase tho...even if it does take a lot of time and effort

Like you say - well worth it

D

philb

General and Dee---what is this you two are talking about? We have to build a life TOO after all this?? :-) Have a good weekend everyone.

Dee74

I've said too much LOL

Enemdio

Talking of building a new life - we're going to a ghost story telling night tonight at Lancaster castle - never would've done anything like this when I was drinking and especially not on a Saturday night.

I always used to feel my drinking was somehow more justified at the weekend.

philb

I googled the Lancaster Castle ghostly tours night General it looked really cool---hope you had a good time.

philb

Building a new life is definitely a good thing. Its 4:30am, getting ready for work and I actually feel alert and physically good. 12-14 hour days this week and those coming up and I am able to look forward to it (thats kind of stretching it...) I'm able to face it positively and in gratitude. This sobriety thing is good. Again thanks to Sober Recovery and Octobersobers. Have a good week everyone.

sadsoul2011

General - Yes! - this is where I got hung up and derailed earlier in the year.

I appreciate the feedback! Sorry it has taken me so long to get back ... it has been a crazy few days - nothing bad; just life.

I'm not having much trouble not drinking even though it is in the house - it is the relationship strain. I'm not sure where my being sober will lead us and it is scary! Not drinking makes every other aspect of my life better (even with it being more challenging and changing...) - it is just how DH and I get along. After I was sober about 4 months he told me that when I'm sober I'm just 'not fun' to him anymore. He has *never* liked the normal, day-to-day routine of family life and work.

This time around I see this as 'his problem' - not mine. I don't think I'm boring - just normal (LOL). My evenings are lovely when I'm not drinking - good dinner, clean the kitchen, stuff with the kids, TV/movie/news, coffee/tea, laundry. Not to mention the pleasant mornings

I'm going to push through this time - for me and our kids. The chips will have to fall where they fall. But it is scary to not know

General, I'm glad to hear that you and your wife are working out some guidelines. Sure hope she is able to stick to them - best wishes. Sounds like you had lots of fun at the castle - very cool!

Hi to everyone this morning!

Philb - don't work too hard!

Tanja - I'm glad your husband is so supportive

Geralt - I think lots of exercise is a positive!! I plan to add it in this time around - it will be a good way for me to blow off some steam!

Gerb - Congrats! Please do come and post with you feel comfortable! You're always insightful and provide food for thought! Don't be a stranger.

It is a wonderful Sobertober Day!!! Hugs to all!!!

Enemdio

Yes, Philb, the ghost story evening was great - 4 different actors read 4 different ghost stories in various spooky locations in the castle one was in the cells and another in the 'Drop' room where condemned prisoners waited to move onto the gallows platform. Very atmospheric and even the kids liked it.

Went out cycling on Sunday morning with the triathlon cub for the first time since I stopped drinking - it was really good - I just about kept up (With the girls, that is - the blokes left us!).

Maybe a swim tonight.

Good luck this time, Sad. You hit 90 days yet, Tanja?

philb

I'm retracting some of my 4:30 am enthusiasm four hours in I had to come up for air. General, really glad you had a cool time. I'm envious of the great historical spots the UK has to offer. The photo of the castle was incredible. We have a haunted Hollywood Tour which is actually called "Grave Line" tours ha. We took it and it was fairly hokey. Have you done a full triatholon general? Kudos if so. Sad, one thing I've found helpful is that the one day at a time motto works well in not just refraining from drinking but in all aspects of my life....relationships, work, If I find myself projecting too much, I get too far ahead of myself. Tanja....to date I have not used one emoticon on sober recovery....on your 90th day I'm going to pull out the stoppers on them!

Enemdio

PhilB - yes, I did Ironman UK in 2009. In the 8 month build-up I had 4 months off alcohol which I now realise was laying the foundations for my giving up completely. Still, I did drink for the last 2 months or so of training - I even had 6 bottles of Bud the night before. I remember being in Rivington reservoir at 6am with 1500 other wannabes thinking "I bet no one else here drinks a bottle and a half of wine a night"

Finished in 15hrs 10 mins 15 seconds - not too bad, really.

philb

not bad is putting it mildly....awesome!

tanja

General - Ironman that is awesome! I cannot even fathtom 15 hours of strenuous physical activity. You are such an inspiration in terms of sobriety and increased physical fitness. Thank you so much for asking about my sobriety time. Friday will mark 90 days of sobriety for me

Phil - Your friendship and support means so much to me. You have always had faith in me when I had little faith in myself. I am still very scared of relapse. I am trying very much to not think ahead, live in the moment and take it one day at a time. I have to remind myself to do this on a daily basis!

Wishing everyone a very good sober day!

philb

Tanja, I had meant to ask. How are you doing with anxiety levels? It sounds as if you are getting to meetings and you have that great celebration for 90 days planned...I'm stepping outside the present moment to say just 2 more days til 90 for you how great! I know I still struggle with anxiety quite a bit. Do you have any tips as to how you deal with it? Or Geralt, do you have any tips as to how you are coping with anxiety? For myself I am slowly repeatedly exposing myself to situations that would invoke it. Its helped but its still hard. My most difficult situation is speaking to or in front of a group which has made AA hard for me and I often stay quiet when I would like to be able to speak up. Its hindered me at work as well. I guess thats where I still need to take one day at a time. I need to try and stop getting anxious about getting anxious :-). Have a great day everyone.

tanja

Phil - I was wondering where you were with anxiety. It sounds like you are doing great. You have flown, attended AA and for the most part gotten off the anti-anxiety medication. I haven't driven in 3 months due to fear of panic attacks. I also have weaned myself slightly off the anxiety medication, but am suprised that after 3 months it hasn't been more. The inability to drive has hampered my attendance at AA. I only go to three meetings a week. The insomnia is closely tied with the panic attacks. It has only been since Monday that I have felt normal in 3 months. Tuesday I felt way too tired to drive. Today I feel good. My sponsor is pushing me to drive. I am going to try it this week defenitely. I agree 100% with small exposures and to not worry about anxiety. I had to tell my sponsor that I will drive, but I don't need to worry about it. I also told her that my first time driving I did not feel comfortable driving at night. I have never been fond of driving at night. She questioned my vision which is fine, but that's not the point. I have to take baby steps and increase my confidence slowly. I find exercise critical to alleviating anxiety. As you so wisely said Phil - One day at a time.

Enemdio

Phil, Tanja, - 4 square breathing can sometimes help with anxiety: breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, repeat 10 times. It increases the level of carbon dioxide in the blood and so acts like a sedative. Or, just try 10 X deep, slow breaths in and out 10 seconds each in/exhalation - this more fully perfuses organs with oxygen and you can actually feel your heart rate slow down a bit and it also drops blood pressure.

I used to be the world's worst for public speaking and was nearly sick every time I had to do a talk at work. Funnily enough, I'm now a professional speaker running medical education courses almost every day. What changed me was the deep breathing and lots and lots of practice. At first in a mirror or to my wife, and eventually to real audiences and now I really enjoy it - can't believe I get well-paid to be the centre of attention! The only way I know of reducing fear of presenting is to actually do it and also to mentally rehears doing it beforehand.

Come on, Tanja and Phil - speak up at the next meeting and let us know how it goes.

philb

Thanks to both of you Tanja and General. I really needed the reinforcement that both of you shared. This is why sober recovery and everyone involved has truely played a role in my recovery. What I expressed in writing was something I've been needing to say but didn't have the capacity in a meeting and I've been a bit down on myself and frustrated in that regard lately and my own perceived lack of progress.

You have both genuinely helped me and I am appreciative. I think you are right Tanja others can tend to push us a bit when really we know ourselves where our limitations are and we have to trust that instinct while still challenging ourselves to break out of the pattern of anxiety a bit. It was pushing myself beyond present capacity in the past that sent me to a bottle. Whoever invented that phrase "in due time" was a wise individual. Thanks. Tell me about the insomnia. I wish I could say its a nightmare, but I can't sleep :-). I have nearly considered a hammer to my head to knock myself out---I'm kidding. Insomnia is a rough one.

General...I actually did your recommended breathing exercises right here at work and could immediatley feel its benefits. I'm going to continue with it. Thanks very much. I could imagine the benefits of more cardio exercise too which I need to set myself too.

I really appreciate both of your comments.

Enemdio

Phil, exercise is brilliant for anxiety, it's nature's natural solution as it burns up the excess adrenaline which makes you anxious and restless. If you have a sedentary job, which increasingly most people do, anxiety is a major problem as we just don't get to burn off the biochemicals circulating in the system.

BUT! Too much anaerobic exercise can actually CAUSE anxiety and depression!!!
I've studied this for years, and my best advice is to buy a heart rate monitor (Not expensive) and keep your heart rate at, or just below, 180 minus your age. For me that's 180 - 53 = 127 beats per minute - it might seem low at first but it will stop you doing too much - 'In due time' as you say. That's how I got through Ironman. It's called the Maffetone formula after Phil Maffetone - google his name for the full info.