IWillWin

Morning all...and what a glorious one it is here on the East Coast. I've already been out to the car wash, started the laundry and begin some cleaning around the house that is long overdue.

I am starting to remember myself sober...and I want to kick my own ass for letting this person go dormant for the last 5 years. But, I know that in order to truly appreciate what I've got I had to go through that to see the difference. I realize I took it all for granted back then and sabatoged all my hard work in order to escape whatever I was running from.

Well, I'm not running anymore. Bring it on Universe...it may be more difficult to face challenges without a crutch but at least I will remember it all.

Wishing everyone in the class a happy sober Saturday. I'm sure to be back here today working through the inevitable cravings that will try to get the best of me.

PS: Evan - it IS all worth it. Much more than a 6 pack. Good job!

mark120910

Evan,

I've had the same experience after five days sober. It's difficult getting to sleep at night, especially if I give in and have a nap in the afternoon when I get sleepy.

So I try to skip the nap, get some exercise, and sleep like a man with a clear conscience.

Of course all of this is better than inducing "sleep" with alcohol. There's nothing like waking up after four solid hours of real, deep sleep.

Keep it up!

Mark

Sobersunshine

Good morning all! Second sat am in a row without starting it with a drink! Going to AA noon meeting, then shopping. Bf invited me to a a party tonight where there will be lots of drinking. I need to stay away, far away. good luck to all today we can do it!

Illuminate

Back here again as I have once again relapsed. I was actually doing pretty well for a while, then allowed myself a drink here and there, which was a mistake. One thing I guess I wasn't realizing was that alcohol was masking quite a bit of depression. That depression really caught up with me last night, and I turned to quite a bit of drinking which turned into vomiting eventually. I feel miserable now.

I think the biggest difficulty I have is that I live alone...there's really nobody here who can stop me from drinking if I feel like it. I think that's part of the reason I'm here, I want to find someone who will yell at me to not drink, lol. I haven't admitted my alcoholism to anyone I know, and perhaps I should, but it's a hard thing to admit. I feel like people would have this completely different view of me if they knew I was doing this. Perhaps I just need to let go of this shame and deal with it.

mirrorman

ILLUMINATE STOP DRINKING!!!

The benefit to being by yourself is you can focus 100% on a hobby or activity or exercise as a replacement to the drinking, and you will see some dramatic results if you dedicate yourself to it.

I was depressed also (which I am just starting to realize), but the alcohol and the depression go hand in hand. You are depressed so you drink which ends up making you feel worse and more depressed. It gets to be a vicious cycle.

The big thing is there is no shame you should be feeling. It is a beast we are all dealing with here.

Jimuk

Hi Illuminate, Hope you feel well again soon! You say you were doing well until a little drink. I tried moderation and it didn't work either, i'm resigned to the fact that i should never drink again, but never is a long time so i'm doing one day at a time.

I'm glad your here. DON'T DRINK LOL.

Jim

Marjoram

Illuminate...my best friend knows, and it feels good to know I can call her as needed, but I try not to as she has her share of her own problems. But knowing she knows is kind of calming for me. MN - I love Minnesota! We backpacked for five days along the Superior Hiking Trail.

No one has to read all the below....I'm just hearing myself think, type, vent....

Well all, I'm having a rough time. My husband is my trigger. My biggest trigger. He's not a bad person, by any means. We just can't be on the same page anymore. It's disheartening. He is so consumed with himself, his retirement to plan for (which is eight years away, but he wants to cut it back to four and then work a different job until he's 60), his job, his own emotions. Yesterday when we went for our doctors' appointments, he was talking about fasting and how come we have to do it. And I honestly would have to google, but I'm assuming it's because they don't want any #'s way out of wack because of something you ate or drink beforehand. He said, that there are people that will cut back drinking, consuming certain foods leading up to bloodwork. And we both agreed it was not right. I made the comment "I haven't been trying to quit drinking because I knew I was getting bloodwork done, it's because I'M AN ALCOHOLIC". He didn't react. Then we went to the mall to nab a couple things needed (I dread shopping), and he said "what time does Garfield's open?". That means, he was ready for a beer. Then we went to Applebee's for lunch and by then I already felt like a zombie about the alcohol, and there he is ordering a beer. Then we went to the grocery store, and I walked by a wine rack that had Witches Brew wine by Leelenau cellars (westnorth corner of the lower peninsula of MI), and I said...."Oh, I love that stuff....crazy time to quit drinking". And he proceeds to say "well, wine is good for you on occasion". Which yes, that is the case...but, I will crack the bottle and drink the whole thing. I'm not a wine drinker, but I enjoy that one, and occasionaly Menage a trois (sounds dirty, but it's a nice wine). Then we get home, he cracks open a beer to mow the lawn. Then I hear another one crack. Then I hear one crack when he's done. DAMNIT! I'M AN ALOCHOLIC. What part did he not understand? So, all that did is make me angry inside with him to where my cold switch turned on. It's been on for a while any way, but that cranked it up.

This is a wonderful man - he will do anything for anybody. But, sometimes, by not saying "no", he's never home. He's always helping someone and when he comes home he's absent minded and lacking steam, because he gave it all to everyone else. He quit for 3 months with me last year, and it was a good thing. But, when he did, that's all I had to hear everytime he saw someone. He likes to hear himself talk I think somedays. he likes the limelight. He's the type that when everyone is around the bonfire, he's the only one standing. And talking...and talking....

So, I just quietly blew up at him, and I know it didn't go over well.

This sobriety journey is my own for now. I'm going to do what is best for me. I hope in time, it takes me back to where our relationship was in the past. We've been very blessed, and I don't want to lose that.

Sorry all....but, good news is I'm not drinking. I will do my best to keep it that way.

Marjoram

Good feelings come, good feelings go. Same with bad ones. I know these bad ones will go, too. Just have to let them ride out.

I'm going back outside to enjoy some fresh air.

mark120910

Panacea,

I have found it helps to exercise and stay awake as much as possible during the day, then black-out my bedroom and take a few natural supplements to settle down for sleep. I use melatonin, valerian and Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid (GABA). All can be found at Whole Foods Market. Sam's Club sells melatonin also. Day six and I'm sleeping at least four hours per night.

Good luck.

"Septemberers" I like.

Mark

mark120910

Evan,

I have to say I admire the way you express yourself. Everything you type belies an uncommon combination of something... strength and sensitivity, I think. Whatever it is, I like the way you write.

You are indeed blessed to have a beautiful family and a strong wife who is not afraid to tell it like it is.

Before September 10, I had been alone with my booze for over ten years. I can't decide whether I would prefer to have the day-to-day support of a loving family or spare them the experience. It's both a blessing and a burden, huh? In any case, what your kids learn from you about addiction and sobriety is entirely up to you.

We share the same last-drinking and quitting days. Let's keep it that way!

Take care,

Mark

DeepBreath2012

Welcome Iwillwin, Dan, Hope and any others I’ve missed! Congrats on your commitment to sobriety.

I read a little ways back, but not everything admittedly; we’re a verbose group! I love it!!

Congrats to MM, Panacea, and everyone for achieving some great #’s of days sober!

Benice and all of you that wrote such encouraging words of care and concern; THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Marjoram, thanks for the great quotes!

Jimuk: your words rang true for me when you said it was like you were trying so hard it made you drink. I feel consumed by this instead of just doing what I know I can do, which is stop drinking. I’m trying to remember myself back when this awful disease hadn’t taken full hold; when I could take or leave a drink. It really is progressive. Anyway, I’m going to just try and go with the flow, as you said. I’m also feeling incredibly grumpy and depressed today. Let’s get through this today together!!!

Evan, you are truly blessed to have a wife that loves and supports you like that. I really admire how you took her behavior last night; courageous…that’s so cool that you see it that way.

Marjoram, I’m sorry that your husband isn’t being the support you need right now. I am SO proud of you for not giving in though, you are strong!

As for me, just tired, depressed, and anxiety ridden…more about money issues than anything else today. My body aches and I am grumpy. Just going to lay low today and try and get to a place of peace in my mind.

Happy to see everyone staying strong!! Have a great Saturday everyone. I’ll be thinking of you!

Itchy

Deep breath,
Just checked on you and you are still with us!!!

You are staying active on the forums, something that got me through the tough days and nights here on SR. Still does as I move over to being family and friends of an alcoholic. Life still can suck if we let it, but it sure sucks less sober because we can think things through and fix what is fixable. Huah!

Jimuk

Right here beside you DeepBreath, hope you're ok! I've been reading that sobriety is equally as progressive. Hang on to that thought hun. :-) x

7days

Wow! Day 15! Last night I gave myself permission to drink a beer at a concert if I felt like it by the time I got there (I didn't), then on the next round (I didn't). Stayed sober and had fun during a 4 hour rock concert!!!!! I NEVER would have thought that was possible. I am feelinf physically and mentally better and better everyday. Strongest cravings this week were when I was shopping alone. That's strange. Not a bad thing to avoid though I suppose! Hope everyone else in class is holding on strong. If not, get right back up.

7days

I agree with forabetter life about sleeping. I have not just naturally gotten tired and had a hard time keeping my eyes open for as long as I can remember. It seemed the alcohol made me more awake so now, without drinking, I am falling asleep earlier - tired as hell - and getting up without the clocks going off for over an hour. Strange phenomenon, this normal stuff. I also take melatonin but have been taking some non-alcoholic nyquil to get over this cough I have from the cold that really jump started my recovery. I'm kinda afraid when that is gone though........

benice

Jimuk, i haven't heard that one...nice...

benice

7days, GREAT job at the concert!

DeepBreath2012

Itchy and Jimuk, thank you so much! Makes me feel so welcome and not alone!

I have to say...the other day I was reading under the "Friends and Family of" forum and wow, did it make me so sad and discouraged. The thread I was reading was nothing but people saying how they would never get romantically involved with an alcoholic, recovered or otherwise. It made me feel like I will be alone forever. Believe me, I know how much being involved with an alcoholic sucks the life outta someone, on many levels...my mother was one, I've dated one, and I am one; but damn, to be "blacklisted" for life as "undateable/loveable"...it was a blow to the psyche. I know that some will take a chance; I've seen a recovered friend find love with a non-alcoholic, but really how often is someone going to take that chance...not a lot I fear. It just made me feel hopeless.

Anyway, couple that with the awful day I had facing the music for my actions...(I'll share more on this later...just not ready yet)...well, that's what lead to me drinking. I knew it wouldn't solve anything of course, but honestly I just wanted to numb myself.

In any event, I have to stop doing that cause the misery is just there waiting when the blackout is over. And from what I've been reading, I'm lucky to be alive with the amounts I drink in one sitting. So...day 2 today, although it feels like day 1 since I slept all of yesterday away.

Oh and someone had asked about what books I ordered the other day. I got "under the influence" and "Lit", a memoir. I tried starting Under the Influence last night, but couldn't concentrate. Plan to dig in to them today...

Thanks for being here, my friends! It's so nice to feel not alone on some level...even if it's only over the wires

DeepBreath2012

7Days, nice work at the concert. That's a huge trigger for me...live music! I'll get there hopefully, but staying far away until I have some time under my belt. You're an inspiration!

mark120910

Illuminate,

STOP DRINKING DAMMIT!

Did that help?

I live alone also, so I went through some of the same difficulties after ten years of hard drinking. Here's what I did to get to five sober days so far:

1. About five years ago, I admitted to a few close friends that I was uncomfortable with how I was using alcohol. I spared them the details (most non-drinkers have no clue anyway), so all they knew is that I had exceeded my own definition of excessive drinking, whatever that is. As a high-functioning alcoholic, I was not concerned that their opinions of me would change; and in fact they were all surprised I had a problem, supportive of my decision to work on it, and flattered by my trust and confidence in them.

2. At that time, I tried AA and got a sponsor, but my personal problem was that while most in AA are dry and seeking abstinence, I could not figure out how to stop drinking for even one day. Obviously, showing up for AA meetings night-after-night while still processing alcohol from the night before is ridiculous. But I couldn't stop and my sponsor did not know what to do with me. After a couple of months, AA and I parted ways.

3. As my work and personal relationships continued to slowly deteriorate over the subsequent five years, I finally reached a point where I realized I could not continue drinking. I still did not understand what treatment and counseling could do for me, but I was increasingly unable to think clearly and work productively, and my career was in jeopardy. I filed for short-term disability and turned myself over to my employer's confidential employee assistance program. I gave them all the gory details and followed their instructions to the letter.

4. The EAP sent me to a local addiction treatment center for chemical dependency assessment. Using a brief medical assessment and questionnaire, they determined that I qualified for either out-patient (if I could stop drinking with treatment) or in-patient (if I could not stop drinking or withdrawal symptoms were severe) care; I elected outpatient with an inpatient option depending on the outcome. I continued drinking every night until my first treatment session, then quit. Funny thing is I told the counselor on day one I needed help quitting. When he did not give me a direct answer, I was worried, but I think he knew I would see the answer myself. After the first group session, I learned that the mere existence of about a half dozen people whom I got to know personally and who were abstaining day-by-day and expecting the same of me, I was able to deny my addictive voice, dry out and stay sober for six days and counting.

I know I am only beginning the process and more struggles remain, but the bottom line for me is that treatment was the only way I was able to start stopping. I also know that short-term disability gave me the space I needed to focus on my sickness, fix my sleep pattern, step up exercise and nutrition, and get healthy without the distraction and aggravation of work. In six to eight weeks I hope to be clean and sober and ready to go back to work.

While enlisting friends did not have an immediate benefit for me in terms of abstinence, I suspect it is one of several steps I had to take to finally reach the place where all else had failed and professional help was my last, best hope. Of course, no two of us will take the same path.

In the end, we all have the same choices, including:

1. Keep using and relapsing in secret -- not acceptable, right?

2. Advise family and friends you have alcohol issues, but never address them.

3. Recover with or without treatment, without the knowledge of family and friends and without their support.

4. Start working on sobriety, tell friends and family what is going on, enlist their support and celebrate our recovery and sobriety with them.

I like to think about which outcome I prefer for myself. Which are most feasible? Which will be most satisfying? Something to think about.

I would probably prefer to assign different outcomes to different people, but I'm not sure I could keep straight who is in which camp!

To be honest, I'm too ashamed of this now to tell everyone who cares about me, particularly my parents and siblings. But someday I hope to be healthy enough to talk openly about my brush with self-destruction.

Best of luck to you.

Mark