Codependency and Beyond - Part 25
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Monday, November 12, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Timing
Wait until the time is right. It is self-defeating to postpone or procrastinate; it is also self-defeating to act too soon, before the time is right.
Sometimes, we panic and take action out of fear. Sometimes, we take untimely action for revenge or because we want to punish someone. We act or speak too soon as a way to control or force someone to action. Sometimes, we take action too soon to relieve feelings of discomfort or anxiety about how a situation will turn out.
An action taken too soon can be as ineffective as one taken too late. It can backfire and cause more problems than it solves. Usually, when we wait until the time is right - sometimes only a matter of minutes or hours - the discomfort dissolves, and we're empowered to accomplish what we need to do.
In recovery, we are learning to be effective.
Our answers will come. Our guidance will come. Pray. Trust. Wait. Let go. We are being led. We are being guided.
Today, I will let go of my need to control by waiting until the time is right. When the time is right, I will take action.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Timing
Wait until the time is right. It is self-defeating to postpone or procrastinate; it is also self-defeating to act too soon, before the time is right.
Sometimes, we panic and take action out of fear. Sometimes, we take untimely action for revenge or because we want to punish someone. We act or speak too soon as a way to control or force someone to action. Sometimes, we take action too soon to relieve feelings of discomfort or anxiety about how a situation will turn out.
An action taken too soon can be as ineffective as one taken too late. It can backfire and cause more problems than it solves. Usually, when we wait until the time is right - sometimes only a matter of minutes or hours - the discomfort dissolves, and we're empowered to accomplish what we need to do.
In recovery, we are learning to be effective.
Our answers will come. Our guidance will come. Pray. Trust. Wait. Let go. We are being led. We are being guided.
Today, I will let go of my need to control by waiting until the time is right. When the time is right, I will take action.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I woke up, thinking about/comparing my life to others (stepbrother, stepsister, etc.) and finally had to just tell mysef "I have what I need".
I'm almost 5 days without cigarettes and quite cranky, so guess that doesn't help
Dad has a trip to NY, I'm going to go with him but we don't leave until this afternoon and will be back tomorrow night. Thing is, he's worried about having enough money for diesel? I'm trusting that he isn't putting us on the road without knowing we have enough gas to get home with?
Heading to the sr. center for a few hours of fun
Hope everyone is doing okay?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm almost 5 days without cigarettes and quite cranky, so guess that doesn't help
Dad has a trip to NY, I'm going to go with him but we don't leave until this afternoon and will be back tomorrow night. Thing is, he's worried about having enough money for diesel? I'm trusting that he isn't putting us on the road without knowing we have enough gas to get home with?Heading to the sr. center for a few hours of fun
Hope everyone is doing okay?
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
The reading about timing is very good. My sponsor and I talk about reaction mode all the time and waiting out certain reaction. To feel what I feel and give myself time to think I stead of jumping into an action or reaction without really thinking things out.
Yesterday, I tested positive for steep throat. I have been sleeping a lot since then. Sam came and cuddled and watched movies with me last night. He offered to get something from the store from me too. Very sweet.
It's 3:30 in the afternoon and I think I'm finally awake. I've been downright exhausted and I think it is because my body is fighting the strep. I got the medicine and I'm feeling better. Just very sleepy.
*huggles* to all.
Lily
Yesterday, I tested positive for steep throat. I have been sleeping a lot since then. Sam came and cuddled and watched movies with me last night. He offered to get something from the store from me too. Very sweet.
It's 3:30 in the afternoon and I think I'm finally awake. I've been downright exhausted and I think it is because my body is fighting the strep. I got the medicine and I'm feeling better. Just very sleepy.
*huggles* to all.
Lily
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Hi everyone
I took my brace off for a minute, and figured I'd stop in since I'm able to type for a minute. I'm 4 weeks post op and on the mend. I'm off all the meds as of 3 days ago and feel good enough to go stark raving crazy from cabin fever. One day at a time is maddening lol.
I took my brace off for a minute, and figured I'd stop in since I'm able to type for a minute. I'm 4 weeks post op and on the mend. I'm off all the meds as of 3 days ago and feel good enough to go stark raving crazy from cabin fever. One day at a time is maddening lol.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Chino - glad you are on the mend - sure are missing you here!!
Lily - strep throat is tough! take good care of you - glad Sam was so sweet!
Amy - yall be careful traveling! Hope you & Dad enjoy the time together!
Newby - congrats on standing your ground for the sale & not losing your cool - I usually loose my cool! ugh - have to go back & make an amends!
Today is Ash's court date - please keep us in your thoughts & prayers - thanks!
PINK HUGS!
Lily - strep throat is tough! take good care of you - glad Sam was so sweet!
Amy - yall be careful traveling! Hope you & Dad enjoy the time together!
Newby - congrats on standing your ground for the sale & not losing your cool - I usually loose my cool! ugh - have to go back & make an amends!
Today is Ash's court date - please keep us in your thoughts & prayers - thanks!
PINK HUGS!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Taking Care of Ourselves
We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless.
Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.
Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing.
We are our own rescuers.
Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us.
Today, I will let go of the fears and self doubt that block me from taking assertive action in my best interest. I can take care of myself and let others do the same for themselves.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Taking Care of Ourselves
We do not have to wait for others to come to our aid. We are not victims. We are not helpless.
Letting go of faulty thinking means we realize there are no knights on white horses, no magical grandmothers in the sky watching, waiting to rescue us.
Teachers may come our way, but they will not rescue. They will teach. People who care will come, but they will not rescue. They will care. Help will come, but help is not rescuing.
We are our own rescuers.
Our relationships will improve dramatically when we stop rescuing others and stop expecting them to rescue us.
Today, I will let go of the fears and self doubt that block me from taking assertive action in my best interest. I can take care of myself and let others do the same for themselves.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
(((((Chino, I miss you!)))
I have kept up with the readings, but havent been able to post. We got back from Washington Friday and I left Saturday morning to come down south to see the fam. A lot goes on in my head these days!
I LOVE this reading. Love it. People willcome and care, and teach, but not save. I can care, and offer my ES&H, but not save. Good news
I have kept up with the readings, but havent been able to post. We got back from Washington Friday and I left Saturday morning to come down south to see the fam. A lot goes on in my head these days!
I LOVE this reading. Love it. People willcome and care, and teach, but not save. I can care, and offer my ES&H, but not save. Good news
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Ash is back in MS hopefully continuing her recovery path ~ don't know all the details about what happened in court because I didn't ask ~ we had a good telephone conversation ~
Caroline, Ash's daughter, 7 yrs old, being raised by Ash's bio mom, asked "who is my Daddy?" and Ash answered some of her questions on the level of a 7 yr old can understand ~ her mom who is not in any recovery & doesn't handle things well FREAKED OUT! started raising her voice and telling Caroline ~ he's a criminal - a horrible criminal.
Well, we all know what little ones think ~ if my Dad is bad, then I'm bad. So Ash was able to talk to Caroline a little more - calm her down some.
Later on in the conversation about the court stuff - she said it was really a big confusion - not really sure why I had to be here ~
I said "Ash, I think you had to be here, because Caroline needed YOU!"
She needs some healthy recovery input about her bio father maybe you can't be there all the time yet, but at least you can give her some of that a little bit of the time.
She agreed.
I can see that today will be "weepy" day for me - no sleep last nite - our Kaileigh was up all nite with stomach virus ~ she's at home with Mr. PINK & I'm at work - another busy day for me at work so I couldn't miss ~
So hoping she feels better soon! I hate it when little ones are sick!
hope all of you are doing well!
PINK HUGS,
Caroline, Ash's daughter, 7 yrs old, being raised by Ash's bio mom, asked "who is my Daddy?" and Ash answered some of her questions on the level of a 7 yr old can understand ~ her mom who is not in any recovery & doesn't handle things well FREAKED OUT! started raising her voice and telling Caroline ~ he's a criminal - a horrible criminal.
Well, we all know what little ones think ~ if my Dad is bad, then I'm bad. So Ash was able to talk to Caroline a little more - calm her down some.
Later on in the conversation about the court stuff - she said it was really a big confusion - not really sure why I had to be here ~
I said "Ash, I think you had to be here, because Caroline needed YOU!"
She needs some healthy recovery input about her bio father maybe you can't be there all the time yet, but at least you can give her some of that a little bit of the time.
She agreed.
I can see that today will be "weepy" day for me - no sleep last nite - our Kaileigh was up all nite with stomach virus ~ she's at home with Mr. PINK & I'm at work - another busy day for me at work so I couldn't miss ~
So hoping she feels better soon! I hate it when little ones are sick!
hope all of you are doing well!
PINK HUGS,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Chino)) - I could have sworn I'd posted a "miss you!!" thread, earlier, but guess my phone ate it?
((Lisa)) - so glad to see you back
((Rita)) - Sorry it's a weepy day, but hope ((Kaleigh)) is feeling better and ((Caroline)) gets the support she needs, but it sounds like she will.
Dad and I got home from NY about 6 a.m., got a couple hours of sleep and went to the sr. center. I'm tired, I don't think I got the job as it's been 1-1/2 weeks and no word, so will send them a followup letter and keep looking.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
((Lisa)) - so glad to see you back
((Rita)) - Sorry it's a weepy day, but hope ((Kaleigh)) is feeling better and ((Caroline)) gets the support she needs, but it sounds like she will.
Dad and I got home from NY about 6 a.m., got a couple hours of sleep and went to the sr. center. I'm tired, I don't think I got the job as it's been 1-1/2 weeks and no word, so will send them a followup letter and keep looking.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Amy)) ~ hope that something bigger & better comes along - I know it must be frustrating
Thanks for the prayers for Kaileigh - she is feeling better & I have made it thru the day ~
now to make it thru the evening & hopefully get to bed at a decent time.
PINK HUGS!
Thanks for the prayers for Kaileigh - she is feeling better & I have made it thru the day ~
now to make it thru the evening & hopefully get to bed at a decent time.
PINK HUGS!
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Our Anger Out
It's okay to be angry, but it isn't healthy to be resentful. Regardless of what we learned as children, no matter what we saw role modeled, we can learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for us and for those around us. We can have our angry feelings. We can connect with them, own them, and feel them, express them, release them, and be done with them.
We can learn to listen to what anger is telling us about what we want and need in order to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes we can even indulge in angry feelings that aren't justified. Feelings are just feelings; there is no morality in the feeling, only in our behavior. We can feel angry without hurting or abusing others or ourselves. We can learn to deal with anger in ways that benefit our relationships instead of ways that harm them.
If we don't feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow.
Today, I will let myself feel my anger. I will express my anger appropriately, without guilt. Then I will be done with it.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Our Anger Out
It's okay to be angry, but it isn't healthy to be resentful. Regardless of what we learned as children, no matter what we saw role modeled, we can learn to deal with our anger in ways that are healthy for us and for those around us. We can have our angry feelings. We can connect with them, own them, and feel them, express them, release them, and be done with them.
We can learn to listen to what anger is telling us about what we want and need in order to take care of ourselves.
Sometimes we can even indulge in angry feelings that aren't justified. Feelings are just feelings; there is no morality in the feeling, only in our behavior. We can feel angry without hurting or abusing others or ourselves. We can learn to deal with anger in ways that benefit our relationships instead of ways that harm them.
If we don't feel our angry feelings today, we will need to face them tomorrow.
Today, I will let myself feel my anger. I will express my anger appropriately, without guilt. Then I will be done with it.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Thursday, November 15, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Benefits of Recovery
There are two benefits from recovery: we have short-term gains and long-term gains.
The short-term gains are the things we can do today that help us feel better immediately.
We can wake up in the morning, read for a few minutes in our meditation book, and feel lifted. We can work a Step and often notice an immediate difference in the way we feel and function. We can go to a meeting and feel refreshed, talk to a friend and feel comforted, or practice a new recovery behavior, such as dealing with our feelings or doing something good for ourselves, and feel relieved.
There are other benefits from recovery, though, that we don't see immediately on a daily or even a monthly basis. These are the long-term gains, the larger progress we make in our life.
Over the years, we can see tremendous rewards. We can watch ourselves grow strong in faith, until we have a daily personal relationship with a Higher Power that is as real to us as a relationship with a best friend.
We can watch ourselves grow beautiful as we shed shame, guilt, resentments, self-hatred, and other negative buildups from our past.
We can watch the quality of our relationships improve with family, friends, and spouses. We find ourselves growing steadily and gradually in our capacity to be intimate and close, to give and receive.
We can watch ourselves grow in our careers, in our ability to be creative, powerful, productive people, using our gifts and talents in a way that feels good and benefits others.
We discover the joy and beauty in ourselves, others, and life.
The long-term progress is steady, but sometimes slow, happening in increments and often with much forward and backward movement. Enough days at a time of practicing recovery behaviors and piling up short term gains leads to long-term rewards.
Today, I will be grateful for the immediate and long-term rewards of recovery. If I am new to recovery, I will have faith that I can achieve the long-term benefits. If I've been recovering for a while, I will pause to reflect, and be grateful for my overall progress.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Benefits of Recovery
There are two benefits from recovery: we have short-term gains and long-term gains.
The short-term gains are the things we can do today that help us feel better immediately.
We can wake up in the morning, read for a few minutes in our meditation book, and feel lifted. We can work a Step and often notice an immediate difference in the way we feel and function. We can go to a meeting and feel refreshed, talk to a friend and feel comforted, or practice a new recovery behavior, such as dealing with our feelings or doing something good for ourselves, and feel relieved.
There are other benefits from recovery, though, that we don't see immediately on a daily or even a monthly basis. These are the long-term gains, the larger progress we make in our life.
Over the years, we can see tremendous rewards. We can watch ourselves grow strong in faith, until we have a daily personal relationship with a Higher Power that is as real to us as a relationship with a best friend.
We can watch ourselves grow beautiful as we shed shame, guilt, resentments, self-hatred, and other negative buildups from our past.
We can watch the quality of our relationships improve with family, friends, and spouses. We find ourselves growing steadily and gradually in our capacity to be intimate and close, to give and receive.
We can watch ourselves grow in our careers, in our ability to be creative, powerful, productive people, using our gifts and talents in a way that feels good and benefits others.
We discover the joy and beauty in ourselves, others, and life.
The long-term progress is steady, but sometimes slow, happening in increments and often with much forward and backward movement. Enough days at a time of practicing recovery behaviors and piling up short term gains leads to long-term rewards.
Today, I will be grateful for the immediate and long-term rewards of recovery. If I am new to recovery, I will have faith that I can achieve the long-term benefits. If I've been recovering for a while, I will pause to reflect, and be grateful for my overall progress.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
I consider myself a newcomer to recovery. I really embraced recovery back in June when I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting.
I feel like one of the short term benefits of recovery is that I know myself a lot better. I also don't judge myself as harshly as I used to. I do not like being mean to myself and it is not okay for me to do that anymore. I also talk to my higher power on a regular basis. I am more open to meditation than I have ever been. I need to work on doing it for at least 5 minutes each day. Start small. That is one of the biggest lessons of recovery that I have learned. Start small.
Love to all!
I feel like one of the short term benefits of recovery is that I know myself a lot better. I also don't judge myself as harshly as I used to. I do not like being mean to myself and it is not okay for me to do that anymore. I also talk to my higher power on a regular basis. I am more open to meditation than I have ever been. I need to work on doing it for at least 5 minutes each day. Start small. That is one of the biggest lessons of recovery that I have learned. Start small.
Love to all!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lily)) how beautiful - thanks for sharing part of your story with us ~
to share part of mine - when I first started working the steps - I had my little notebook - finished a few questions on step 1 and wrote FINISHED & the date - like I would never have to work step 1 again - bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - ok ok ok - catch your breath now ~ whoa - was I totally LOST!!!!!!!
Geez I have lost count on how many times I have worked, re-worked & worked again on Step 1 ~ and then the other 11 Steps to follow ~
You are so right - start small - it doesn't matter how much you do, when, where or how - just START!!
PINK HUGS & blessings to all of you ~
to share part of mine - when I first started working the steps - I had my little notebook - finished a few questions on step 1 and wrote FINISHED & the date - like I would never have to work step 1 again - bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha - ok ok ok - catch your breath now ~ whoa - was I totally LOST!!!!!!!
Geez I have lost count on how many times I have worked, re-worked & worked again on Step 1 ~ and then the other 11 Steps to follow ~
You are so right - start small - it doesn't matter how much you do, when, where or how - just START!!
PINK HUGS & blessings to all of you ~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Oh, I totally agree about the reworking of the steps! Though I don't have a sponsor, it seems I am constantly going back to work the first three steps, over and over.
Still haven't heard on the job, am going to write them a followup letter, but having to remind myself that I can't control the situation...can only do my best.
Heading off to the senior center. It was great, yesterday, as everyone told me how much they missed me the day before! My buddy, Chef A, said "of COURSE you were missed...you're AWESOME and we LOVE it when you're here!" Gotta admit, my volunteer job is one of my greatest gifts in recovery, and I would have never found it if it weren't for everyone on SR encouraging me
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Still haven't heard on the job, am going to write them a followup letter, but having to remind myself that I can't control the situation...can only do my best.
Heading off to the senior center. It was great, yesterday, as everyone told me how much they missed me the day before! My buddy, Chef A, said "of COURSE you were missed...you're AWESOME and we LOVE it when you're here!" Gotta admit, my volunteer job is one of my greatest gifts in recovery, and I would have never found it if it weren't for everyone on SR encouraging me
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Friday, November 16, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
The Victim Trap
The belief that life has to be hard and difficult in the belief that makes a martyr.
We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves.
We aren't helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power - not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve.
Using each problem that comes our way to "prove" that life is hard and we are helpless - this is codependency. It's the victim trap.
Life does not have to be difficult. In fact, it can be smooth. Life is good. We don't have to "awfulize" it, or ourselves. We don't have to live on the underside.
We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times. And the difficult times don't prove life is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best.
We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances.
Life is challenging. Sometimes, there's more pain than we asked for; sometimes, there's more joy than we imagined.
It's all part of the package, and the package is good.
We are not victims of life. We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life. By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier.
Today, God, help me let go of my belief that life is so hard, so awful, or so difficult. Help me replace that belief with a healthier, more realistic view.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
The Victim Trap
The belief that life has to be hard and difficult in the belief that makes a martyr.
We can change our negative beliefs about life, and whether we have the power to stop our pain and take care of ourselves.
We aren't helpless. We can solve our problems. We do have power - not to change or control others, but to solve the problems that are ours to solve.
Using each problem that comes our way to "prove" that life is hard and we are helpless - this is codependency. It's the victim trap.
Life does not have to be difficult. In fact, it can be smooth. Life is good. We don't have to "awfulize" it, or ourselves. We don't have to live on the underside.
We do have power, more power than we know, even in the difficult times. And the difficult times don't prove life is bad; they are part of the ups and downs of life; often, they work out for the best.
We can change our attitude; we can change ourselves; sometimes, we can change our circumstances.
Life is challenging. Sometimes, there's more pain than we asked for; sometimes, there's more joy than we imagined.
It's all part of the package, and the package is good.
We are not victims of life. We can learn to remove ourselves as victims of life. By letting go of our belief that life has to be hard and difficult, we make our life much easier.
Today, God, help me let go of my belief that life is so hard, so awful, or so difficult. Help me replace that belief with a healthier, more realistic view.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by DefofLov 
I really needed this message today. I have been very weepy and sad lately. I need the reminder that this too shall pass and that good times will come. ^_^
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((lily)) sending you special PINK hugs of comfort as you walk thru a time of feeling what you need to feel ~ I truly believe our HP gives us those times to let us know it's ok to feel, it's ok to hurt, it's ok to weep ~ so then when the good times come along, we don't have to feel guilty about enjoying LIFE. It's a balance ~ somedays are good, somedays are not so good ~ but the joy is that regardless of which day it is - we have the tools and the God of our understanding to walk thru every day, to make it thru and to come out on the other side, wiser, stronger and able to share our experience, strength and hope with others ~ for me that is a blessing ~
Amy - I am so glad the center is a blessing to you - I know that you are blessing to them!~ Remember we have learned we are exactly where our HP needs us to be ~ continued prayers for your job situation ~ that your HP would have a great opportunity just around the corner for you!
My prayer today is that some day my daughters realize they do not have to be a victim in this world - they are stronger than that and they will overcome !
PINK HUGS to all
Amy - I am so glad the center is a blessing to you - I know that you are blessing to them!~ Remember we have learned we are exactly where our HP needs us to be ~ continued prayers for your job situation ~ that your HP would have a great opportunity just around the corner for you!
My prayer today is that some day my daughters realize they do not have to be a victim in this world - they are stronger than that and they will overcome !
PINK HUGS to all
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