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Codependency and Beyond - Part 25 |
Thanks ((Dee)):) I'm heading out to the sr. center and sm is still having pain in her side so guess dad is taking her to the ER after he gets back from a trip. We are both frustrated that she will NOT get a doctor down here, but it is what it is and I'm going to go have fun with my seniors. Hugs and prayers, Amy |
Wednesday, September 12, 2012 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Healing We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life. —Joshua Loth Liebman Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process - a journey rather than a destination. Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to another and things - as well as us - get better. We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen. Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I have undertaken. |
So much for detaching, I'm at the ER with sm. Somethings wrong and she will probably need a scan. She started telling me what she didn't want the Dr to know and I told her if she wasnt going to tell them what she was on, just stay home and suffer. She's all worried about being judged and I've still go too much ER nurse in me to think that omission or lies helps anything. Hugs and prayers, Amy |
I like today's reading, but boy am I bad with having patience in my recovery. It already seems like it's been an eternity since I started codie recovery and there are some days it feels like I haven't progressed beyond step one. I have found a book that helps a great deal when I start heading toward panic attack mode. It is a parable actually of a deer named Much Afraid. the book is called Hind's feet in higher places...and it traces the life of the crippled much afraid as she strives to follow the shepherd to the higher places. On her journey there...she is give sorrow and suffering as her guides...and it is only when she is willing to embrace them that her journey proceeds more quickly. She trusts the shepherd that he will lead her to the higher places...but the path he calls her to lead goes down into the desert and not up toward the mountains...but she trusts and walks...and at one point the path turns toward the hills and she thinks, "Yey! Finally the shepherd is leading me up"....(she ran ahead of God's will)...but alas...the path turns back toward the desert just before the mountains. This has spoken to me so deeply....having peace and trust in HP wherever I am is so hard for me...but this book is helping me find it. sorry so wistful today....but I'm struggling again to know what to do. AS texted me asking for cash to pay bills. Maybe I'll just buy some grocercies...that way I know I'm not givng him $ for alcohol or pot...I don't know...never quite know how much to detach. AH is still covorting with mistress. I had been trying to not corner him about making a choice...for the last 9 months I had hoped by being supportive and kind that he would want to leave her on his own...but it doesn't seem to be happening...so I told him the right thing to do (as long as we were still married) was to stop seeing her. Probably a mistake...but I'm just so tired of the humiliation. Maybe I'm so blue cuz it's raining here...and I'm exhausted. It's homecoming week...so combined with 10-12 hour days already...I'm finding I'm getting about 4-5 hours a night...so everything seems bleaker. I would covet any prayers you could send my way. Needing love and light at the moment. (((Hugs to all))) annie |
Annie. I've read that book. It's such a beautiful journey described in the book!!!!! Love it!! Still at hospital with Mom. Surgery went well but she had a mini stroke yesterday afternoon. The effects of the stroke are being reversed & she is doing better. Has blockages in vessels n neck & will require surgery on Friday. The hardest part of this is that my brothers and I can no longer deny her addiction to her "nerve pills". She's turning 71 on sat and will probably never do anything about this. But it is still sad. More things to work on in my recovery journey. I wonder will there ever be a time in my life that I am not surrounded by this active disease. But I am ok. With the grace & love of my God. I am OK! ODAT my friends. Pink hugs Rita |
((Rita)) - It sounds like your mom is a strong woman, and prayers continue for you all. ((Annie)) - I hate what all you're going through and pray for some peace and serenity for you. Somewhere in the vicinity of 9 hours later, we are home from the ER. It wasn't bad enough that sm was driving me crazy, there was a guy detoxing from alcohol and H in there, and a "domestic situation" on the other side of the room (we're only separated by curtains) and the couple had their 2-year-old there. It got to the point where I talked to the nurse, she said they were aware, she had informed her charge nurse and since I was in there, if I heard something get really bad, let someone know. The dr. and nurse were EXTREMELY nice, especially to me, but they both got a little frustrated with sm. I heard the lady across from us say, quietly "you HIT me" and I couldn't prove anything, but the charge nurse came in and they chilled out. Strong feeling drugs were involved (which meant there were THREE A's as I'd already talked the spouses of 2). Wife and baby left, and he started crying to the nurse. All I could think was "manipulation". I wonder if I'm a bit jaded? Sm has to see a gastro dr. and when I talked to the dr. privately, he said she needs a pain management dr. She said Medicare doesn't cover it. Everything they told her to do, she was arguing. I told her to do whatever she damned well wanted to, I didn't want to hear it when she felt worse. I did apologize for being snappy but pointed out every time I tried to study, she kept running her mouth, asking and telling the same stuff over and over. I don't regret going and don't think it was codie, as I didn't know she hadn't been able to keep anything down for 4 days, but some things lead me to believe that's not really true. I need to get to sleep. They are letting me work at the sr. center tomorrow, so I will already be there when the guy comes with the application. Our dishwasher said he used to work for him and he was a nice guy. It's been a looooong day, but got Elvis gazing into my eyes and giving me a "hug" so life is still good:) Hugs and prayers, Amy |
Thursday, September 13, 2012 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Times of Reprogramming Recovery is not all-tiresome, unrewarded work. There are times of joy and rest, times when we comfortably practice what we have learned. There are times of change, times when we struggle to learn something new or overcome a particular problem. These are the times when what we've been practicing in recovery begins to show in our life. These times of change are intense, but purposeful. There are also times when, at a deep level, we are being "reprogrammed." We start letting go of beliefs and behaviors. We may feel frightened or confused during these times. Our old behaviors or patterns may not have worked for us, but they were comfortable and familiar. During these times we may feel vulnerable, lonely, and needy - like we are on a journey without a road map or a flashlight, and we feel as if no one has traveled this ground before. We may not understand what is being worked out in us. We may not know where or if we are being led. We are being led. We are not alone. Our Higher Power is working His finest and best to bring true change in us. Others have traveled this road to. We will be led to someone who can help us, someone who can provide the markers we need. We are being prepared for receiving as much joy and love as our heart can hold. Recovery is a healing process. We can trust it, even when we don't understand it. We are right where we need to be in this process; we're going through exactly what we need to experience. And where we're going is better than any place we've been. Today, God, help me believe that the changes I'm going through are for the good. Help me believe that the road I'm traveling will lead to a place of light, love, and joy. |
Annie, with both my kid and my partner, I try and ask myself what am I willing to change, what am I willing to accept and unwilling to accept, and what am I willing to let go of. My kid smokes cigs and pot. I dont, so I dont contribute to her financially much. My personal exception to the rule is when she travels far to visit the family, I give her the amount of money I think she put in the gas tank. This is just MY line, where I feel comfortable giving. MW has some characteristics and behaviors that I would reprogram if he were a robot. I can't change him. So when my feelings get hurt because his behavior doesn't match my expectations of how a partner should act, or when I tire of being the person closest to him who gets the most splash back from his frustrations I ask myself "Is this a deal breaker?" "Is there a lesson to be learned here?" "What is the most loving thing I can do in this situation for everyone, including myself?" There have been a lot of rough moments, like the reading talks about, where I am trying to hang on to my old beliefs that aren't working for me today. Beliefs like "Its a mother's job to help her kid, no matter what" or "I need my partner to act like one" Today, as far as MW is concerned, I just know that the joy out weighs the hurt by a zillion so I stay. The kid is trudging her own road, and I am learning and growing on mine :grouphug: |
The guy about the job forgot to put it on his calendar, his wife scheduled him for another meeting so I didn't get to meet him. He was VERY apologetic, is coming to the center tomorrow and says he just needs to "sit down with me for about 15 minutes" and said some other things that lead me to believe I have the job, it's just a matter of formality and however long it takes for a background check. I'm getting a good workout on codie recovery. Stepsister called me this morning, hateful and demanding and I told her she needed to calm down. She kept going on, told her I was getting ready for work, trying to print out my resume and stuff..she kept on and I said "I love you but I have to go" and hung up. She's resented me since bratkin's mama died when sm would not listen to ANYONE but me or the dr. She see's a therapist but admits she is full of anger and hate. Oh well, she talks to me like that again, she will get a dial tone. Hugs and prayers, Amy |
Mom came thru surgery. She's in recovery & we are waiting to see her. I'm exhausted but alive. Prayers & pink hugs! Love to all |
((Rita)) - SOOO glad your mom came through surgery and hope you have been able to see her by now. I met with the guy about the job. Bad news is that he has no current openings, but good news is that I feel he will hire me when he does get an opening. He told me that "when we get an opening, we will .......". If I wasn't sure I was going to hire someone, I would say "you would need to do this, that, etc.". Really nice guy, we chatted about all kinds of stuff. I did have to interrupt and take care of a few guests, but that's my JOB at the center and I'm sure he gets that. No way I'm going to leave a lady with dark sunglasses and a walker, looking lost, just standing there! It's a Christian-based business, won't go into the name but he told me the history and I love it. Not that they throw it down your throat, it just makes me feel good about their philosophy. Sooo, I do what ((Ann)) said and let life and God lead me where I need to be. Financial aid money came in and though it was $700 less than what I thought I was getting, I can pay bills, buy groceries and my car is tickled pink to have a full tank of gas:) Sm was obviously impaired this morning when I left, now she's snapping my head off because she's in pain? She JUST got 20 percocets filled yesterday (the dr. paid attention when I told him how much pain meds she took) and I have a feeling they are gone. Bratkin is here, SHE is in a grouchy mood, so I'm going to stay in my room and not talk to either. Dad just got a trip, so he's gone. I'm extremely grateful for my life today. I found out that they did a surprise drug testing on all employees at the sr. center a couple weeks ago and suddenly our chef is gone? He's a young kid, maybe 24? I know he has either Hodgkin's or non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (whichever is not as serious) and it's not a fact that that's why he's gone (he was looking for a job with benefits) but it makes me grateful that I can take a drug screen any day, and there is nothing in my system other than what I'm prescribed. I'm also grateful that I know how to detach when people are ill, in pain, pregnant, snappy. Oh, the bad news is our dear Patches is missing. She was here last night, but no one has seen her today. I worry so much about Elvis, I feel a little guilty, but I am praying she's gotten herself locked in someone's garage and will come home soon. Hugs and prayers, Amy |
Evening or Morning everyone. Ms Pink I am so happy for you and your family you must all be so happy your mom made it through the surgery with flying colors. Prayer works.. Amy I am surprised he said there was no openings? Why didn't he tell you that before? I could of sworn you mentioned he said they were looking for someone? Or maybe we both got so excited that we thought there was one. :rotfxko I have been known a time or two before to make up my own versions of a story. I guess it is one of my character defects but honestly sometimes it keeps me pretty amused. Poor patches I hope kitty comes home soon. GF I had to chuckle when I read about if your boyfriend was a robot you could reprogram him. I thought I was the only one who thought that way? Guess this is another example of me not being unique. :rotfxko Have a great weekend all and remember :You_Rock_ |
Saturday, September 15, 2012 You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go Getting Through Hard Times We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only God and we can determine the timing. —Codependent No More Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but they are part of life, growth, and moving forward. What we do with hard times, or hard energy, is our choice. We can use the energy of hard times to work out, and work through, our issues. We can use it to fine-tune our skills and our spirituality. Or we can go through these situations suffering, storing up bitterness, and refusing to grow or change. Hard times can motivate and mold us to bring out our best. We can use these times to move forward and upward to higher levels of living, loving, and growth. The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and our Higher Power by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, "Nothing good ever happens to me... I'm just a victim... People can't be trusted... Life isn't worth living"? We do not always require hard energy, or stress, to motivate us to grow and change. We do not have to create stress, seek it, or attract it. But if it's there, we can learn to channel it into growth and use it for achieving what's good in life. God, let my hard times be healing times. |
((Newby)) - What my friend told me, which is what a lady who works for the guy told her, is "they're always looking for someone". He did mention there was quite a bit of turnover, so I will just have to be patient. Walked out to the den, last evening, and there was Patches! Have NO idea where she was, I fussed at her then gave her treats. She came in, earlier, when dad/sm went to store then told ME "mrow OW" which means "let me OUT". Just got through with the humanities stuff and at least I did better on this test than the last one. Got two more assignments to do for one class and will be done with this week's stuff. No one is grumpy or snappy, today, so far and this is a good thing:) ((Rita)) - Hope everything is going well with your mom. Hugs and prayers, Amy |
hey my friends - so exhausted but resting & soaking up the sanity & peace of PINK Acres My brothers & I are now dealing with an addict mom - who signed herself out of the hosital this morning - ugh ugh ugh Got a call around 4 am - drove back to hospital - which is about 1 hr & 20 mins away & tried to talk some sane reasoning but you can't reason with an addict that is under the influence - I would have been better off talking to the IV pole - anyway - she is not speaking to me now - she is home & safe - others have let me know - now is the manipulation game of who makes the first move - praying for the strength to not have to be the one to do that - ugh I hate addiction, but so very grateful for recovery - prayers all is well with everyone else - will try to catch up later PINK HUGS to all, Rita |
((Rita)) - I'm so sorry. It's so darned hard to stand by and watch someone you love do dumb things. Especially with everything else you've had going on..the anniversary of your dad's death, M's court date (whatever happened with that, btw), and your mom's hospitalization. As Mom-Kay would say, "God (HP) has you in the palm of His hand) Mega hugs and prayers, Amy |
thanks Amy - M plead not guilty and it's been set for trial is what we were told ~ |
I stopped by the other convenience store (not the one my friend A worked at, but same company and close to the sr. center). The cashiers have gotten to know me, the one working was at A's funeral. They have signs "hiring all shifts" up again, so I told her I'd done the online app and given someone there my name/number weeks ago. She had me write it down again, drove the 1-2 miles to the sr. center and while I was pulling in the parking lot, the mgr called and I have an interview at 12:30 tomorrow. Honestly, I'd rather do the other job because of the hours they work, the convenience store is open 24/7, BUT I need a job and the people who work there are VERY friendly and there's no yelling like there was at McD's. So, will remember to be carerful what I ask for..I don't have a job offer from either place, but getting 2 interviews in a matter of days after months of no reply is amazing. Sm made it to lunch at the sr. and chatted with a nice lady. Harley dude came in, sat his stuff at her table and I told him who she was. She later said "he just kept talking to me" and I told her "that's what people do there..who wants to sit at a table with people who don't talk to you!" Also found out our chef was let go for being high at work:( Just can't get away from addiction. Hugs and prayers, Amy |
praying your HP's best for you for your interviews Amy! |
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