Class of May 2012 part 11
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,288
Thanks, Dee - that's very helpful. So now I need to summon up the courage to dump it down the drain when i do buy it. I suspect that after doing that a few times it could well curb that automatic drive to get some, lol!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
Saskia and Jane -- sorry to hear about your slips, but glad you're here with us! Dee offers some good advice on the many opportunities to reach out for help.
Had a great trip to Denver and a lovely ride back across the Rockies on the train. Highly recommended -- the aspens are in full glory. Ironically (is it really irony?) finished reading Denis Johnson's Train Dreams as I stood with my bags in the vestibule to disembark. Got my pickup and drove up onto the mesa to camp for the night but then thought a shower might be nice in the morning before I go see my counselor, so now here I am in a hotel room surfing the internet. It's sorta like staring into a campfire and worrying about bears, but not.
Had a great trip to Denver and a lovely ride back across the Rockies on the train. Highly recommended -- the aspens are in full glory. Ironically (is it really irony?) finished reading Denis Johnson's Train Dreams as I stood with my bags in the vestibule to disembark. Got my pickup and drove up onto the mesa to camp for the night but then thought a shower might be nice in the morning before I go see my counselor, so now here I am in a hotel room surfing the internet. It's sorta like staring into a campfire and worrying about bears, but not.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Good evening and good morning classmates,
Just want to let you all know I'm thinking of you, present and past. Day 134 here, had to find a web page to figure that out. Had a good weekend off. Tonight I am cooking for the week. Right now roasting brussel sprouts in the oven, they smell so good. Almost good enough to make me glad to be on a diet.
FP, So glad to hear you had some good horn time, I have no doubt you will be back to full Pach strength in no time. Thank you so much for your PMs and encouragement with the diet. You are so amazing to be going through what you are and thinking about all of us too! Enjoy that beautiful fall up there.
FindingSoleil, Glad to hear from you.
Jeni, Wishing you a better week and hope you can find an exit route from your current work situation. Maybe it will take anger; maybe it will take a different emotion. We are all so different and deal with things in our own way. Take some time and figure out what is right for you. Once you have done that, you can use your gifts to help you get there. You did not accept being a drunk for the rest of your life; you do not need to accept this either. Please don’t give anybody more power over your own life than yourself. You are amazing and deserve only the best for you and your family. (Maybe I am overstepping my bounds here. If I am please let me know to back off. I want to see you happy.)
Dee, Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement.
Emily, Good morning and welcome to day 64/20. Hoping your leg is feeling better.
Saskia, Sorry to hear about the car. That always sucks when the first ding happens.
Wehav, Congrats on day 117. I was reading your post and thinking that I probably would be going through the same thing with the weather change. Fall was always a time of beauty, but it was time to bring my orchids indoors and use up every square inch of window space with rolling shelves. Also had to figure out which big plants I would save in the basement hospital under fluorescent lights and which would be left to die a horrific cold death. I know I made the right move coming down to Miami. With 117 days under your belt you have some serious sober strength to get you through this change. I know what helped me when it got dark and dreary during the winter months is to go to the tanner once in a while. I know it is not physically healthy, but it helped me mentally. Remember this will be a year of firsts for all of us and next year we will have done it all before and it will be easier. We just need to push forward.
Deserto, That’s great you had a good trip to Denver and across the Rockies, sounds beautiful. Have any pics of the trees? I really miss seeing them in the fall.
Tanja, AA sounds like an awesome place to gain inspiration. You sound great and it makes me happy to hear you are feeling better I too wrestle with saying the right thing at the right time. Not sure if this will ever get better, but it definitely wont if we don’t try.
OLL, Hoping you are doing well. Loved reading your post to Jeni and Em.
Kitty, Keep up that momentum. What a difference a week make right?
All my other may mates, have a wonderful week.
Just want to let you all know I'm thinking of you, present and past. Day 134 here, had to find a web page to figure that out. Had a good weekend off. Tonight I am cooking for the week. Right now roasting brussel sprouts in the oven, they smell so good. Almost good enough to make me glad to be on a diet.
FP, So glad to hear you had some good horn time, I have no doubt you will be back to full Pach strength in no time. Thank you so much for your PMs and encouragement with the diet. You are so amazing to be going through what you are and thinking about all of us too! Enjoy that beautiful fall up there.
FindingSoleil, Glad to hear from you.
Jeni, Wishing you a better week and hope you can find an exit route from your current work situation. Maybe it will take anger; maybe it will take a different emotion. We are all so different and deal with things in our own way. Take some time and figure out what is right for you. Once you have done that, you can use your gifts to help you get there. You did not accept being a drunk for the rest of your life; you do not need to accept this either. Please don’t give anybody more power over your own life than yourself. You are amazing and deserve only the best for you and your family. (Maybe I am overstepping my bounds here. If I am please let me know to back off. I want to see you happy.)
Dee, Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement.
Emily, Good morning and welcome to day 64/20. Hoping your leg is feeling better.
Saskia, Sorry to hear about the car. That always sucks when the first ding happens.
Wehav, Congrats on day 117. I was reading your post and thinking that I probably would be going through the same thing with the weather change. Fall was always a time of beauty, but it was time to bring my orchids indoors and use up every square inch of window space with rolling shelves. Also had to figure out which big plants I would save in the basement hospital under fluorescent lights and which would be left to die a horrific cold death. I know I made the right move coming down to Miami. With 117 days under your belt you have some serious sober strength to get you through this change. I know what helped me when it got dark and dreary during the winter months is to go to the tanner once in a while. I know it is not physically healthy, but it helped me mentally. Remember this will be a year of firsts for all of us and next year we will have done it all before and it will be easier. We just need to push forward.
Deserto, That’s great you had a good trip to Denver and across the Rockies, sounds beautiful. Have any pics of the trees? I really miss seeing them in the fall.
Tanja, AA sounds like an awesome place to gain inspiration. You sound great and it makes me happy to hear you are feeling better I too wrestle with saying the right thing at the right time. Not sure if this will ever get better, but it definitely wont if we don’t try.
OLL, Hoping you are doing well. Loved reading your post to Jeni and Em.
Kitty, Keep up that momentum. What a difference a week make right?
All my other may mates, have a wonderful week.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thanks HRB and Dee. Am starting to feel really desperate and trapped in this situation. Just haven't got the capacity for anger so it's like a growing resentment that's eating away at me which is bad news.
I wish I was somebody different, someone strong and clear about how I should be treated.
I'm not teaching today, got my management duties. Lots of meetings planned. Need to be ultra-professional and in control. It will take all my acting skills. I'm living a life that I don't want but haven't got the strength to change it. I'm just a total waste of time.
God, I must snap out of this. I recognise how damaging it is.
Sorry guys xxx
I wish I was somebody different, someone strong and clear about how I should be treated.
I'm not teaching today, got my management duties. Lots of meetings planned. Need to be ultra-professional and in control. It will take all my acting skills. I'm living a life that I don't want but haven't got the strength to change it. I'm just a total waste of time.
God, I must snap out of this. I recognise how damaging it is.
Sorry guys xxx
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,002
Jeni, I think we all wish we had better skills to deal with life. If we had them we would not have gotten into the positions we found ourselves. We ARE growing. We ARE getting stronger. We ARE becoming the people we want to be. You certainly are not a waste of time. You have come too far to get down on yourself like that. Yes, this is a horrible situation that you find yourself, but there are always options. Take your time and find out what they are. I don't think anger will help, but a cool clear head with a goal is pretty close to unstoppable. Maybe you can PM Frenchpink and get some tips on dealing with the teachers union.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 63
Jeni, what HRB and Dee and others wrote previously is very true. I know though, for me, it takes a bit of time to gather clarity on the situation before I can make the smart move. Or if not the smartest move, the one I'm most comfortable with and the best for me at the time. And I realize that it can look to others like inaction. But I'm just standing still to gather information and buy some time. I'm just saying- ease up on yourself, give yourself a break, and get through the hour, the day, the work week. I disagree when you write that you haven't the strength to deal with this. Of course you do. You're either going to deal with it by putting up with it. Or you'll find a way to affect and change the situation. If you're anything like me, finding that way is going to take a little bit of time. So, do go in today and be professional and in control and put on the act. I really think you'll find the right path through this and can emerge in a good place. I believe there are forces working in your favor that are just not apparent to you right now. Good luck with today.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 63
I'm doing pretty well. Life's been a little challenging lately (normal life stuff- nothing big) but today was good. It was my first real day off in weeks. Slept in, did laundry, went for a jog in the woods, make a huge pot of chicken stock for future autumn soups, made a batch of pesto with basil that a friend grew. Productive but relaxing day. Tomorrow I'm going for a hike early. I've heard that this particular hike is one of the most beautiful in the world (no kidding!). Better be good- I'll be getting up at 6:30am for it and not much except airplane travel gets me up that early. Speaking of that...I better get to bed.
I hope you're doing well too. You sound good. But you always sound good and I love your posts. Roasted brussel sprouts are the best...
I hope you're doing well too. You sound good. But you always sound good and I love your posts. Roasted brussel sprouts are the best...
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thankyou Findingsoleil. Your hike sounds wonderful, enjoy xx. I'm at work at my desk planning a therapy session with one of our more troubled youngsters this morning. He has a lot of anger issues so he and I will be running around a soft play room, screaming and tearing stuff up, punching cushions etc. He needs to recognise and deal with his emotions in a safe environment. Past trauma means he also needs a huge amount of love and nurturing. His teacher is at breaking point, so he's been referred to me.
The irony of this is not lost on me. He is a little version of me!
The irony of this is not lost on me. He is a little version of me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: springfield, va
Posts: 1,385
Good Morning All,
Saskia - I know AA and SR has helped me tremendously. I love the quote by Dee about rather drinking draincleaner. That gave me a good laugh. Your tenacity and courage is inspiring. Remember, we just have to take it one day at a time. BTW, you always the right thing Everyone here seems to the say the right thing. My sponsor told me to focus on the intent and sincerity of my words.
Wehave2day - Congratulations on 118 days
HRB - Congratulations on 135 days
Your support and kindness is invaluable
Jeni - I agree with everyone. You are far stronger than you realize. We all know it. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You have gotten great advice. If anger is a problem for you it may just take longer for a resolution to your immediate problem. There is nothing wrong with that. Preparation and support are essential.
I went for a massage last night. But unlike previous occasions, the massage did not help me relax. I was very grouchy and tense after the massage. Later in the evening while watching t.v. it almost felt like I was having a heart attack. No doubt due to stress. It subsided.
This morning I again got up too early. Apparently, I did not shut the door to my injured kitty's room securely enough. I heard one of the puppy's yelping. The dog that attacked my cat had him around the neck shaking him. He had nudged the door open to the injured kitty's room and was trying to get at the catfood. I immediately got him off the puppy and put him in his crate. I checked on my kiity (no doubt re-traumitized) and she went to hide under the bed. I sent another email to the woman that saved "Peyton" from the animal shelter and told her of this event. I had been trying to work with him because 1) I love him; 2) I didn't save him to have him go back to a kill shelter or an environment where someone would send him back there; 3) I have not established enough discipline, boundaries or exercise. I had been trying to get a consultation with a pet behaviorist and actually got a prescription from the vet for prozac. My husband had been drinking and told me to choose between him and the dog. He doesn't like the dog and wants him gone. That has caused me additional stress.
The dog also appears to have an ear infection. So, that entails another visit to the vet. All I can really do at this point is to take it one day at a time, move forward with help for the dog and "let go and let God".
Thank you for listening.
Saskia - I know AA and SR has helped me tremendously. I love the quote by Dee about rather drinking draincleaner. That gave me a good laugh. Your tenacity and courage is inspiring. Remember, we just have to take it one day at a time. BTW, you always the right thing
Everyone here seems to the say the right thing. My sponsor told me to focus on the intent and sincerity of my words. Wehave2day - Congratulations on 118 days
HRB - Congratulations on 135 days
Your support and kindness is invaluableJeni - I agree with everyone. You are far stronger than you realize. We all know it. Please stop being so hard on yourself. You have gotten great advice. If anger is a problem for you it may just take longer for a resolution to your immediate problem. There is nothing wrong with that. Preparation and support are essential.
I went for a massage last night. But unlike previous occasions, the massage did not help me relax. I was very grouchy and tense after the massage. Later in the evening while watching t.v. it almost felt like I was having a heart attack. No doubt due to stress. It subsided.
This morning I again got up too early. Apparently, I did not shut the door to my injured kitty's room securely enough. I heard one of the puppy's yelping. The dog that attacked my cat had him around the neck shaking him. He had nudged the door open to the injured kitty's room and was trying to get at the catfood. I immediately got him off the puppy and put him in his crate. I checked on my kiity (no doubt re-traumitized) and she went to hide under the bed. I sent another email to the woman that saved "Peyton" from the animal shelter and told her of this event. I had been trying to work with him because 1) I love him; 2) I didn't save him to have him go back to a kill shelter or an environment where someone would send him back there; 3) I have not established enough discipline, boundaries or exercise. I had been trying to get a consultation with a pet behaviorist and actually got a prescription from the vet for prozac. My husband had been drinking and told me to choose between him and the dog. He doesn't like the dog and wants him gone. That has caused me additional stress.
The dog also appears to have an ear infection. So, that entails another visit to the vet. All I can really do at this point is to take it one day at a time, move forward with help for the dog and "let go and let God".
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,288
Good morning!
Rock, you write some amazing posts! And I don't think you overstep your bounds. I sometimes way overreact to things and that's my problem, not yours! You are clearly very caring and insightful. Please forgive those overreactive spells of mine. I'm working on thinking before reacting or at least thinking before saying something :-)
Jeni, I hope that padded room gives you a break from some of the tension today! You know we all love you and want the best for you. We can tell you about our experiences and opinions, but each of us is unique and so you need to do whatever is best for you.
Tanja, I've heard of a ranch (or something like that) where they take pit bulls that were too much for their owners and train them and then find homes for them. Another aspect of their program is that they have ex-convicts working there and learning to do the training so it ends up helping both. I have no idea if it's anywhere close enough to be useful. They have a series on Animal Planet about it. There are also "no kill" animal shelters around so perhaps that could be another option. You are a very caring person and I can understand that this is very difficult for you.
I hope everyone has a good day!
Rock, you write some amazing posts! And I don't think you overstep your bounds. I sometimes way overreact to things and that's my problem, not yours! You are clearly very caring and insightful. Please forgive those overreactive spells of mine. I'm working on thinking before reacting or at least thinking before saying something :-)
Jeni, I hope that padded room gives you a break from some of the tension today! You know we all love you and want the best for you. We can tell you about our experiences and opinions, but each of us is unique and so you need to do whatever is best for you.
Tanja, I've heard of a ranch (or something like that) where they take pit bulls that were too much for their owners and train them and then find homes for them. Another aspect of their program is that they have ex-convicts working there and learning to do the training so it ends up helping both. I have no idea if it's anywhere close enough to be useful. They have a series on Animal Planet about it. There are also "no kill" animal shelters around so perhaps that could be another option. You are a very caring person and I can understand that this is very difficult for you.
I hope everyone has a good day!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Jeni, it's not to late to be somebody different if you want - or maybe just a new and improved Jeni
Thanks to everyone here, I don't even want to name names, but want each and every one of you to know how much comfort I take in reading your posts.
I'm starting a day 8. It wasn't the *easiest* sober weekend, since I was around quite a bit of alcohol. I have to curb my feelings of feeling sorry for myself, I can't expect because I come into town that friends lay off the booze. And it is some work for me to not take it personally - but I can't, because it has always been this way. The friends I am with know that I don't drink and I feel supported by them, but these particular friends also seem to require a lot of alcohol to have fun. And they continue to need more the next day to cure the hangover. I reminded myself how great it is to feel free of it. And that is not a lie, it truly is wonderful to be free of that vicious cycle. I know in my heart of hearts that joining in on the imbibing doesn't turn out to be the great time I wish it could be. That's good information for me to have and I will keep that in my thoughts.
I am still reflecting on my slip, and the past year or so of my on/off the sobriety wagon. I had been invited to a show next week with someone I've previously slipped with & let her know I wouldn't be able to make it. I don't feel strong enough yet for it. There is a small part of me that feels guilt-ridden about turning down the invite since I don't have a conflict, but I am also working on feeling good about putting myself first. This person is also someone that has been there for me at times but I choose to limit my time with her because I see addictive traits in her personality and I don't always feel energized by my time with her, it can be draining.
OK enough with this rambling again. Love to you all May-mates. I am grateful to be a part of this bunch.
Thanks to everyone here, I don't even want to name names, but want each and every one of you to know how much comfort I take in reading your posts.
I'm starting a day 8. It wasn't the *easiest* sober weekend, since I was around quite a bit of alcohol. I have to curb my feelings of feeling sorry for myself, I can't expect because I come into town that friends lay off the booze. And it is some work for me to not take it personally - but I can't, because it has always been this way. The friends I am with know that I don't drink and I feel supported by them, but these particular friends also seem to require a lot of alcohol to have fun. And they continue to need more the next day to cure the hangover. I reminded myself how great it is to feel free of it. And that is not a lie, it truly is wonderful to be free of that vicious cycle. I know in my heart of hearts that joining in on the imbibing doesn't turn out to be the great time I wish it could be. That's good information for me to have and I will keep that in my thoughts.
I am still reflecting on my slip, and the past year or so of my on/off the sobriety wagon. I had been invited to a show next week with someone I've previously slipped with & let her know I wouldn't be able to make it. I don't feel strong enough yet for it. There is a small part of me that feels guilt-ridden about turning down the invite since I don't have a conflict, but I am also working on feeling good about putting myself first. This person is also someone that has been there for me at times but I choose to limit my time with her because I see addictive traits in her personality and I don't always feel energized by my time with her, it can be draining.
OK enough with this rambling again. Love to you all May-mates. I am grateful to be a part of this bunch.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 14,288
Hi Kittycat, I just want you to know that I support you in setting limits with people you don't feel comfortable with no matter how well you've been friends with in the past. Sometimes our sobriety can still be precarious and we owe it to ourselves not to expect the impossible.
I'm proud of you for making it through the weekend!
S
I'm proud of you for making it through the weekend!
S
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: London, England
Posts: 724
Day 64/20 began with rain, moved through heavy rain and is now dry. Sounds like my drinking career. Am supposed to be getting some writing done, and will make a start on it later. And I have a feeling that this is going to be more disjointed than usual too.
I went to the doctor's this morning, only to find my weight is up again. So now I have to watch what I eat. This is exactly the thing I feared. Losing control of my weight. Something else to struggle with.
I find myself withdrawing more and more the longer I spend in London. I start to doubt whether what I feel is love. And even if it is, I don't know if it's enough. Of the things I came down to London for, one is giving me major doubts, one fell through, and the third I'm not sure about at all. I'm not sure I want to spend my time playing rpgs anymore. Nothing is as much fun as it was only last year. Yet what else can I do? Give it up, and have no life at all apart from AA meetings? Or maybe I should throw myself into getting a job - any job, just to have more money? And for what? The long list of crap that people think makes them happy? If that's the choice, then...
I get down fairly often. I'm not too bad at holding it in, which is actually a problem, because I'm not perfect at it, and sooner or later something will burst the balloon that keeps me up, and it starts to show.
My fiance says we can't go on living like this. He's right, we can't. But every time he gets cross because I'm sad - 'Why didn't you talk to me before then?' Because I'm responsible for how he reacts to me, as well as being responsible for how I react to him, you know?
The fact that I'm posting on here and saying this, is not a good sign. I know it. I try and pretend that everything is fine. And I'm trying to cope with stuff better, be more aware of what's happening in my head, get it out. But I'm not doing it fast enough as far as he's concerned.
And on top of all this, the dear old AV won't leave me alone. Some people might say she wants me dead. Me, I just miss the codeine.
But life, other than that, is good. I got my two month chip today (yay). And I had a home cooked burger. (also yay). And I should be happier. And I'm trying to be. I have things to be grateful for. We have two little chilli plants on the kitchen window that are looking a lot better for being watered the other day.
Have a good day folks. Sorry for a lack of individual replies. You're all good folks, coping with stuff a lot better than I am. So I guess I should remember that my best is my best, and that if it's not good enough for some people... it should be good enough for me. It's ok to not be ok. Be gentle to yourselves, treat yourselves as you would others in your situation.
Love and Hugs to you all. And may your higher power go with you.
Am supposed to be getting some writing done, and will make a start on it later. And I have a feeling that this is going to be more disjointed than usual too. I went to the doctor's this morning, only to find my weight is up again. So now I have to watch what I eat. This is exactly the thing I feared. Losing control of my weight. Something else to struggle with.
I find myself withdrawing more and more the longer I spend in London. I start to doubt whether what I feel is love. And even if it is, I don't know if it's enough. Of the things I came down to London for, one is giving me major doubts, one fell through, and the third I'm not sure about at all. I'm not sure I want to spend my time playing rpgs anymore. Nothing is as much fun as it was only last year. Yet what else can I do? Give it up, and have no life at all apart from AA meetings? Or maybe I should throw myself into getting a job - any job, just to have more money? And for what? The long list of crap that people think makes them happy? If that's the choice, then...
I get down fairly often. I'm not too bad at holding it in, which is actually a problem, because I'm not perfect at it, and sooner or later something will burst the balloon that keeps me up, and it starts to show.
My fiance says we can't go on living like this. He's right, we can't. But every time he gets cross because I'm sad - 'Why didn't you talk to me before then?' Because I'm responsible for how he reacts to me, as well as being responsible for how I react to him, you know?
The fact that I'm posting on here and saying this, is not a good sign. I know it. I try and pretend that everything is fine. And I'm trying to cope with stuff better, be more aware of what's happening in my head, get it out. But I'm not doing it fast enough as far as he's concerned.
And on top of all this, the dear old AV won't leave me alone. Some people might say she wants me dead. Me, I just miss the codeine.
But life, other than that, is good. I got my two month chip today (yay). And I had a home cooked burger. (also yay). And I should be happier. And I'm trying to be. I have things to be grateful for. We have two little chilli plants on the kitchen window that are looking a lot better for being watered the other day.
Have a good day folks. Sorry for a lack of individual replies. You're all good folks, coping with stuff a lot better than I am. So I guess I should remember that my best is my best, and that if it's not good enough for some people... it should be good enough for me. It's ok to not be ok. Be gentle to yourselves, treat yourselves as you would others in your situation.
Love and Hugs to you all. And may your higher power go with you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,424
As usual, I hope this comes out right, and my worst fear is that it will somehow offend.
Emily- I sense a lot of clarity from you in reading your most recent post. Although you always have great insight and caring advice for all of us May-mates, I feel like you sometimes shy away or trail off when describing your own struggles with "We all know the ending of this"-type statements. I think it may have to do with your style/talent/experience with writing. But you just really opened up about your concerns about your relationship and move... I feel like you really stayed in the moment of feeling/thinking these things and just put it all out there. So even if you feel like you are having a harder time right now, I feel like you sound better, and I wonder if it has to do with being off alcohol and codeine at the same time for so long. Sometimes I think our drug of choice floats us through life without making tough decisions/changes, so once we're away from it for awhile, we're more aware of the possible need for tough decisions/changes. At any rate, I wanted to tell you that I noticed a difference in your post today and I think it is a good thing, and I think you can only make the right tough decisions with sobriety and time. So even though you miss the codeine, it's important you stay away from it so you can gain more clarity and direct your life. You also said the AV wants you dead, which is right. So would you ever do something that a person who wanted you dead told you to? Don't let the AV who wants you dead make you do anything. Hugs.
Emily- I sense a lot of clarity from you in reading your most recent post. Although you always have great insight and caring advice for all of us May-mates, I feel like you sometimes shy away or trail off when describing your own struggles with "We all know the ending of this"-type statements. I think it may have to do with your style/talent/experience with writing. But you just really opened up about your concerns about your relationship and move... I feel like you really stayed in the moment of feeling/thinking these things and just put it all out there. So even if you feel like you are having a harder time right now, I feel like you sound better, and I wonder if it has to do with being off alcohol and codeine at the same time for so long. Sometimes I think our drug of choice floats us through life without making tough decisions/changes, so once we're away from it for awhile, we're more aware of the possible need for tough decisions/changes. At any rate, I wanted to tell you that I noticed a difference in your post today and I think it is a good thing, and I think you can only make the right tough decisions with sobriety and time. So even though you miss the codeine, it's important you stay away from it so you can gain more clarity and direct your life. You also said the AV wants you dead, which is right. So would you ever do something that a person who wanted you dead told you to? Don't let the AV who wants you dead make you do anything. Hugs.
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