Codependency and Beyond - part 12
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Location: Atlanta
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((Anna)) - I find passive-aggressive people truly a challenge to deal with; one I'd much rather avoid if at all possible.
It feels rather strange to not be dealing with "workplace issues" right now, after so much drama for so long.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It feels rather strange to not be dealing with "workplace issues" right now, after so much drama for so long.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((SG)))Thanks so much for sharing your ideas on contentment. I too have been looking for some kind (any kind) of peace in my life for a long time...but I could never find it because i was always trying to control someone...and how can you have peace in that...it's like trying to hold onto water...you can't control someone who won't be controlled....ack.
(((Grateful, Amy, Lisa, Anna, Live, and everyone else who has offered gentle wisdom))) I didn't even consider the incident with H to be a positive thing until you posted. But now I realize that this was truly my bottom. With that last outburst I think I have finally let go. I've realized he will never be what I want him to be. He is who he is. I can't make him make me happy. It was sad, but freeing. He said my shouting and fist shaking was domestic abuse and that he could have had me arrested and put in jail. I never touched him...I think he's just trying to make me feel bad and get riled up. And if that's his definition of domestic abuse...well honey...I could have had him arrested a dozen times over.
But anyway...he's all blustering away about divorce and stuff..so I told him that I couldn't stop him if that's what he wants to do, but I don't feel released in my spirit to head in that direction yet. I have looked up a CoDa meeting and I will start going on Monday. I told him he might benefit from some counseling or support groups too...and once we've worked through a few personal issues, we could revisit the divorce thing.
It's so strange to feel relatively calm in this situation. I've never felt this free of anxiety before in a stressful situation.
I am grateful to all of you for the progress, but I covet your thoughts and prayers.
As always,
Love and many hugs
annie
(((Grateful, Amy, Lisa, Anna, Live, and everyone else who has offered gentle wisdom))) I didn't even consider the incident with H to be a positive thing until you posted. But now I realize that this was truly my bottom. With that last outburst I think I have finally let go. I've realized he will never be what I want him to be. He is who he is. I can't make him make me happy. It was sad, but freeing. He said my shouting and fist shaking was domestic abuse and that he could have had me arrested and put in jail. I never touched him...I think he's just trying to make me feel bad and get riled up. And if that's his definition of domestic abuse...well honey...I could have had him arrested a dozen times over.
But anyway...he's all blustering away about divorce and stuff..so I told him that I couldn't stop him if that's what he wants to do, but I don't feel released in my spirit to head in that direction yet. I have looked up a CoDa meeting and I will start going on Monday. I told him he might benefit from some counseling or support groups too...and once we've worked through a few personal issues, we could revisit the divorce thing.
It's so strange to feel relatively calm in this situation. I've never felt this free of anxiety before in a stressful situation.
I am grateful to all of you for the progress, but I covet your thoughts and prayers.
As always,
Love and many hugs
annie
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((Annie)) - the one thing about hitting bottom...there's no way to go, but up! I know that each time I hit yet another bottom, I think "wow, why did it take so long to GET here!!!" but I know there IS a reason. I'm glad you are feeling more peaceful about things.
Brit is angry at stepmom about something, I've only heard more fussing about "you don't DO anything around here!" then slamming of the doors. After she showed stepmom her new tattoo, I made it clear that I was NOT getting into any arguments that did not directly involve me. I feel the tension building and I'm not playing into it. Hula hoop? Heck, I'm building a hula WALL!!!!!
I do feel somewhat guilty, though, as I feel that I'm not "there" for Brit but I think it's best I not get sucked into her and stepmom's codie sickness. I did promise to pick up Brit from work tomorrow, as she loves the rental and maybe can talk to her then.
this codie stuff is NOT for wimps!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Brit is angry at stepmom about something, I've only heard more fussing about "you don't DO anything around here!" then slamming of the doors. After she showed stepmom her new tattoo, I made it clear that I was NOT getting into any arguments that did not directly involve me. I feel the tension building and I'm not playing into it. Hula hoop? Heck, I'm building a hula WALL!!!!!
I do feel somewhat guilty, though, as I feel that I'm not "there" for Brit but I think it's best I not get sucked into her and stepmom's codie sickness. I did promise to pick up Brit from work tomorrow, as she loves the rental and maybe can talk to her then.
this codie stuff is NOT for wimps!Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Annie, I am sorry that things have bottomed out for you.
You are clearly doing well by staying calm during this time.
It is interesting that when I reached my bottom, it was actually bittersweet. I realized how much crazy energy I had been using to try to convince myself that things were okay. I had to be constantly coming up with excuses, blaming myself, ignoring obvious things, in order to keep up the fantasy in my mind. Letting go of all that has enabled me to focus on other things and in general, keep myself happy.
You are clearly doing well by staying calm during this time.
It is interesting that when I reached my bottom, it was actually bittersweet. I realized how much crazy energy I had been using to try to convince myself that things were okay. I had to be constantly coming up with excuses, blaming myself, ignoring obvious things, in order to keep up the fantasy in my mind. Letting go of all that has enabled me to focus on other things and in general, keep myself happy.
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((Annie)) So glad you are feeling calm about everything right now, that is so good that you are going to a coda-meeting..I wish they had meetings here where I live.
((Amy)) You are doing such a good job at staying out of Brits and stepmoms conflicts..that is definitely something I did wrong for years, getting in the middle, it only made things worse, I still have a hard time with that sometimes, like you said you feel guilty because you want to be there for them..that's so funny Hula wall!!!!
((Anna)) your right it does take alot of energy pretending everything is ok, what a relief we don't have to do that anymore.
((Amy)) You are doing such a good job at staying out of Brits and stepmoms conflicts..that is definitely something I did wrong for years, getting in the middle, it only made things worse, I still have a hard time with that sometimes, like you said you feel guilty because you want to be there for them..that's so funny Hula wall!!!!
((Anna)) your right it does take alot of energy pretending everything is ok, what a relief we don't have to do that anymore.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Annie, when I hit my bottom, I hit it hard...but, I finally was done banging my head against the wall, I had finally had enough...a lot of painful emotions, but I was relieved to know I could now let go ..
I was ready to see and accept that I just couldn't change or do anything about the behavior of the person who I had been obsessing about, but I could change me..
I was ready to get out of my own way, let go of what wasn't mine, and learn how to move forward.
I think you are doing a really wonderful and brave job..keeping the focus on you in what for me would be a very, very stressful situation..You are in my prayers, Annie
I was ready to see and accept that I just couldn't change or do anything about the behavior of the person who I had been obsessing about, but I could change me..
I was ready to get out of my own way, let go of what wasn't mine, and learn how to move forward.
I think you are doing a really wonderful and brave job..keeping the focus on you in what for me would be a very, very stressful situation..You are in my prayers, Annie
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I have been doing some reading about Buddhism and I see that, for me, the principles of Buddhism can help to deal with Codependency issues.
One of the main principles of Buddhism is impermanence, not attaching to people or things because none of it is permanent. I used to stress over lost friendships and question what I had done or not done to cause the person to leave my life. It's very helpful to understand that friendships, like everything in our lives, are not permanent.
One of the main principles of Buddhism is impermanence, not attaching to people or things because none of it is permanent. I used to stress over lost friendships and question what I had done or not done to cause the person to leave my life. It's very helpful to understand that friendships, like everything in our lives, are not permanent.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Accepting Ourselves
March 3
While driving one day, a woman's attention focused on the license plate of the car ahead. The license read: "B-WHO-UR" How can I? she thought. I don't know who I am!
Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves. or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others?
We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we're deserving of love.
We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs. and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.
To be who we are means we accept our past - our history - exactly as is.
To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs - for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and our strengths.
To be who we are means we accept ourselves, as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are in recovery means that we take that acceptance one step further. We can appreciate ourselves and our history.
Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Today, I will be who I am. If I'm not yet certain who I am, I will affirm that I have a right to that exciting discovery.
Accepting Ourselves
March 3
While driving one day, a woman's attention focused on the license plate of the car ahead. The license read: "B-WHO-UR" How can I? she thought. I don't know who I am!
Some of us may have felt confused when people encouraged us to be ourselves. How could we know ourselves. or be who we are, when, for years, many of us submerged ourselves in the needs of others?
We do have a self. We're discovering more about ourselves daily. We're learning we're deserving of love.
We're learning to accept ourselves, as we are for the present moment - to accept our feelings, thoughts, flaws, wants, needs. and desires. If our thoughts or feelings are confused, we accept that too.
To be who we are means we accept our past - our history - exactly as is.
To be ourselves means we are entitled to our opinions and beliefs - for the present moment and subject to change. We accept our limitations and our strengths.
To be who we are means we accept ourselves, as well as our mental, emotional, and spiritual selves, for now. Being who we are in recovery means that we take that acceptance one step further. We can appreciate ourselves and our history.
Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Being who we are, loving and accepting ourselves, is not a limiting attitude. Accepting and loving ourselves is how we enable growth and change.
Today, I will be who I am. If I'm not yet certain who I am, I will affirm that I have a right to that exciting discovery.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Posts: 4,555
Anna, I am so glad you are sharing this and I hope you will share more ..
Buddhism had the most positive impact on me of any religion.
I learned that all of life is suffering but that it can be a gift, and our attachment to it can bring more suffering...and detachment from suffering doesn't mean we don't care...for me it allowed me to have more compassion, and I could care more clearly; see things I couldn't see when my face was pressed up against someone else's suffering...
Buddhism had the most positive impact on me of any religion.
I learned that all of life is suffering but that it can be a gift, and our attachment to it can bring more suffering...and detachment from suffering doesn't mean we don't care...for me it allowed me to have more compassion, and I could care more clearly; see things I couldn't see when my face was pressed up against someone else's suffering...
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Originally Posted by grateful2b 
see things I couldn't see when my face was pressed up against someone else's suffering...
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Location: Atlanta
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I picked up Brit from work today, and took her riding around in the rental...finally had a chance to talk to her. She asked the questions I can't answer - "why did my mom have to die?", "why didn't my dad straighten up why my mom died and he had me to raise?". I also found out just how much an impact my stepmom has had on her, but that Brit does still hear me.
I am gradually accepting that there is only so much I can do for her, and it's not nearly what I thought I could. That's okay, though....a little sad, but okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I am gradually accepting that there is only so much I can do for her, and it's not nearly what I thought I could. That's okay, though....a little sad, but okay.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: BC Canada
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((Amy)) That's so good that you and Brit were able to have a good talk, even though you didn't have the answers for her..I'm sure it really helped her to beable to talk about how she felt..I know you wish you could take her pain away, that's the hardest thing.
Brit is very lucky to have you in her life, someone thats she can count on..and feel safe to talk to about anything..
Brit is very lucky to have you in her life, someone thats she can count on..and feel safe to talk to about anything..
Leap of Faith Survivor
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((Amy)), I admire so much the work you have done with Brit and how difficult it has been to try to be be there for her and remain in your sparklely purple hula hoop at the same time.
Speaking as a parent, I understand how difficult it is to accept what you have, regarding Brit ...I know it hurts your heart, but it is a wonderful gift that you give her....your recovery is shining!.....now where are my sunglasses?
Speaking as a parent, I understand how difficult it is to accept what you have, regarding Brit ...I know it hurts your heart, but it is a wonderful gift that you give her....your recovery is shining!.....now where are my sunglasses?
Leap of Faith Survivor
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Higher Power as a Source
March 4
I've learned I can take care of myself, and what I can't do, God will do for me.
- Al-Anon member
God, a Higher Power, as we understood Him, is our source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we're not responsible for ourselves. We are. But we aren't in this alone.
Recovery is not a do-it-yourself project. We don't have to become overly concerned about changing ourselves. We can do our part, relax, and trust that the changes we'll experience will be right for us.
Recovery means we don't have to look to other people as our source to meet our needs. They can help us, but they are not the source.
As we learn to trust the recovery process, we start to understand that a relationship with our Higher Power is no substitute for relationships with people. We don't need to hide behind religious beliefs or use our relationship with a Higher Power as an excuse to stop taking responsibility for ourselves and taking care of ourselves in relationships. But we can tap into and trust a Power greater than ourselves for the energy, wisdom, and guidance to do that.
Today, I will look to my Higher Power as the source for all my needs including the changes I want to make in my recovery.
Higher Power as a Source
March 4
I've learned I can take care of myself, and what I can't do, God will do for me.
- Al-Anon member
God, a Higher Power, as we understood Him, is our source of guidance and positive change. This doesn't mean we're not responsible for ourselves. We are. But we aren't in this alone.
Recovery is not a do-it-yourself project. We don't have to become overly concerned about changing ourselves. We can do our part, relax, and trust that the changes we'll experience will be right for us.
Recovery means we don't have to look to other people as our source to meet our needs. They can help us, but they are not the source.
As we learn to trust the recovery process, we start to understand that a relationship with our Higher Power is no substitute for relationships with people. We don't need to hide behind religious beliefs or use our relationship with a Higher Power as an excuse to stop taking responsibility for ourselves and taking care of ourselves in relationships. But we can tap into and trust a Power greater than ourselves for the energy, wisdom, and guidance to do that.
Today, I will look to my Higher Power as the source for all my needs including the changes I want to make in my recovery.
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Location: Atlanta
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I am in a sort-of funk again
I hate this!! I went to pick up dad from where he had taken the van to be worked on. After the third comment he'd made about my not going the route HE takes, I snapped....told him I was the one driving MY vehicle (okay, the rental) and I didn't appreciate his tone of voice that made me feel like an idiot. Yeah, I know...no one can MAKE me feel like something....sigh.
I'm not living up to my expectations, much less what I think HIS expectations are. I don't DO unemployment well...have only been unemployed 6 weeks out of 32 years except for the 3 years I was using. Today makes one month since I quit my job.
We went out to dinner and stepmom was getting on my nerves...speech just slightly slurred to where I noticed, dad didn't. He mentioned that his blood sugar is high again. Got on to stepmom about her not following HER doctor's orders, so I mentioned that he doesn't follow HIS doctor's orders either and did we need to discuss how none of us are exactly living a healthy life style?
I feel like such a b***h I dropped him off, after I picked him up and went for a walk. Came home and Elvis was outside, ready to come in. For some reason, every time he eats grass, he ends up throwing up later and has a seizure..this was no different.
I'm 5 days away from my 3-year-clean b'day and I know it's a "flare-up" period. Emotions are high, anyway...throw in what's going on around here and it's a bit more emotional.
However, I will be okay. I got to see the couple with the 3 huskies on my walk, and that was fun. I have much to be grateful for. I have to concentrate on what is in MY hula hoop and leave the rest alone, and I haven't been doing very well at that.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I hate this!! I went to pick up dad from where he had taken the van to be worked on. After the third comment he'd made about my not going the route HE takes, I snapped....told him I was the one driving MY vehicle (okay, the rental) and I didn't appreciate his tone of voice that made me feel like an idiot. Yeah, I know...no one can MAKE me feel like something....sigh.I'm not living up to my expectations, much less what I think HIS expectations are. I don't DO unemployment well...have only been unemployed 6 weeks out of 32 years except for the 3 years I was using. Today makes one month since I quit my job.
We went out to dinner and stepmom was getting on my nerves...speech just slightly slurred to where I noticed, dad didn't. He mentioned that his blood sugar is high again. Got on to stepmom about her not following HER doctor's orders, so I mentioned that he doesn't follow HIS doctor's orders either and did we need to discuss how none of us are exactly living a healthy life style?
I feel like such a b***h
I dropped him off, after I picked him up and went for a walk. Came home and Elvis was outside, ready to come in. For some reason, every time he eats grass, he ends up throwing up later and has a seizure..this was no different.I'm 5 days away from my 3-year-clean b'day and I know it's a "flare-up" period. Emotions are high, anyway...throw in what's going on around here and it's a bit more emotional.
However, I will be okay. I got to see the couple with the 3 huskies on my walk, and that was fun. I have much to be grateful for. I have to concentrate on what is in MY hula hoop and leave the rest alone, and I haven't been doing very well at that.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Location: BC Canada
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(((Amy)) Everything is going to be ok, hang in there, how exciting it's almost your 3 year Birthday!!! So proud of you!! I think we all have our ups and downs, I know I sure do. But compared to the way I used to feel, there is no comparison. We have lots of hope now and wonderful things to come. Sending my love and prayers Amy..
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Amy))) I too am very proud of you and where you are. Please don't be too hard on yourself if you have a gloomy or "off" day. Believe me...mine seem to be every other day now. Serenity is right ...I believe there are wonderful things to come for you. I believe in you and am here if you need me.
Interesting things happening here. I started my book...the new reformation. It's really forcing me to clarify my thinking as I research and visualize how I think the spiritual community ought to be.
Also...husband (after all his saber rattling about abuse and jail and divorce) has quietly started to do his share around the house. After the big fight...I decided to just drop even asking for help. I decided to stay in my hula hoop....clean what really bothered me and let the rest go...and just live my life. All of a sudden, H is taking out the garbage, putting away his paper, cleaning off countertops...and interacting civially. It's confusing but I won't complain.
Last night at my Bible study...we covered part of Esther...and the leader talked alot about destiny...and how sometimes it is in the midst of chaos and tribulation that we find it....because sometimes it takes losing everything (or almost everything) to get to the place where our HP can pivot us and turn us toward the path we are really supposed to be on..instead of the one we have been forcing to happen. That had me thinking all night...and gave me some hope that the last three years of my life may have had some purpose....other than to crush my spirit
Love and hugs to all,
Have a great weekend (I have to be up at 3:30 am to take my academic team to regionals...so have a snooze on me!)
Annie
Interesting things happening here. I started my book...the new reformation. It's really forcing me to clarify my thinking as I research and visualize how I think the spiritual community ought to be.
Also...husband (after all his saber rattling about abuse and jail and divorce) has quietly started to do his share around the house. After the big fight...I decided to just drop even asking for help. I decided to stay in my hula hoop....clean what really bothered me and let the rest go...and just live my life. All of a sudden, H is taking out the garbage, putting away his paper, cleaning off countertops...and interacting civially. It's confusing but I won't complain.
Last night at my Bible study...we covered part of Esther...and the leader talked alot about destiny...and how sometimes it is in the midst of chaos and tribulation that we find it....because sometimes it takes losing everything (or almost everything) to get to the place where our HP can pivot us and turn us toward the path we are really supposed to be on..instead of the one we have been forcing to happen. That had me thinking all night...and gave me some hope that the last three years of my life may have had some purpose....other than to crush my spirit
Love and hugs to all,
Have a great weekend (I have to be up at 3:30 am to take my academic team to regionals...so have a snooze on me!)
Annie
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I try to use the forums and meetings to foster my optimism. 'cause I have a hard time of it. Go figure.
BEGIN LETTING IT OUT HERE:
I'm a friggin MESS. I've managed to pull my heart out of my own chest and stomp it into goo. I actually have physical chest pain. I'm crying little seeping tears (watering eyes really) About three times a day and everynight. I HATE THIS. I'm NEEEEEEEEDY.
Why? Oh there's a whole host of issues why. Probably the most damaging was flying out to California to spend the weekend with "The one that got away". Reconnecting JUST after my husabd left. On a plane the SAME week. With someone who stimulates me mentally, physically and emotionally. I got all chick weird. Went out and bought him FRAMES to hang pictures 'cause his walls were bare (at least I wasn't dumb enough to put any pictures of me in them). Oh, a whole host of other STUPID things like asking to take home a t-shirt he wore all day. <-----OMG!!!! Am I 14-years old!!!
So, of course he's detaching. Doesn't want to communicate right now. NO SH*T! I wouldn't EITHER.
I'm mortified.
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEGIN LETTING IT OUT HERE:
I'm a friggin MESS. I've managed to pull my heart out of my own chest and stomp it into goo. I actually have physical chest pain. I'm crying little seeping tears (watering eyes really) About three times a day and everynight. I HATE THIS. I'm NEEEEEEEEDY.
Why? Oh there's a whole host of issues why. Probably the most damaging was flying out to California to spend the weekend with "The one that got away". Reconnecting JUST after my husabd left. On a plane the SAME week. With someone who stimulates me mentally, physically and emotionally. I got all chick weird. Went out and bought him FRAMES to hang pictures 'cause his walls were bare (at least I wasn't dumb enough to put any pictures of me in them). Oh, a whole host of other STUPID things like asking to take home a t-shirt he wore all day. <-----OMG!!!! Am I 14-years old!!!
So, of course he's detaching. Doesn't want to communicate right now. NO SH*T! I wouldn't EITHER.
I'm mortified.
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
Welcome (((Alizerin))))
You may have stepped outside your hula hoop a bit...but please don't beat yourself up.
All of us here have tried to control situations that were out of our control and suffered great anxiety over it.
I think you'll find, if you keep coming here, that you will be gently guided to the place where you realize that YOU are enough. YOU have all the tools within you to lead a wonderful, peacful life and that YOU cannot control how anyone else behaves...only how YOU do.
We are all here to listen and help you to that place without judgement...because we've all been there.
Hugs
Annie
You may have stepped outside your hula hoop a bit...but please don't beat yourself up.
All of us here have tried to control situations that were out of our control and suffered great anxiety over it.
I think you'll find, if you keep coming here, that you will be gently guided to the place where you realize that YOU are enough. YOU have all the tools within you to lead a wonderful, peacful life and that YOU cannot control how anyone else behaves...only how YOU do.
We are all here to listen and help you to that place without judgement...because we've all been there.
Hugs
Annie
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