Codependency and Beyond - part 12
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Thanks ((Anna)) and ((Grateful))
They are now hidden. I am trying to have compassion, as I am STILL an addict, I'm just in recovery. First, though, I have to walk through the anger. I do realize this is part of my path and there is a reason for all of this...maybe to spur me on to get out of the rut I've been in for the last couple of weeks.
This has also made me grateful..that it's not ME who has a boatload of medicines but is still looking for more. That WAS me, at one time.
I think I've probably been in denial that "it isn't that bad" and maybe I'm finally coming out of it. Got a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, but self-preservation is at the top, and this is good
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
They are now hidden. I am trying to have compassion, as I am STILL an addict, I'm just in recovery. First, though, I have to walk through the anger. I do realize this is part of my path and there is a reason for all of this...maybe to spur me on to get out of the rut I've been in for the last couple of weeks.
This has also made me grateful..that it's not ME who has a boatload of medicines but is still looking for more. That WAS me, at one time.
I think I've probably been in denial that "it isn't that bad" and maybe I'm finally coming out of it. Got a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, but self-preservation is at the top, and this is good
Love, hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: South Dakota
Posts: 346
(((Amy)))) I am very sorry you were violated like that...and you are right to call it a violation as that was YOUR personal space that she accessed without your permission. Your anger is justified, I think...but you are right to actively work through it, because hanging on to it for a long time will just drain you.
(((Anna, Grateful, Lisa, Amy, Serenity))) Thank you for the heartwarming comments helping me deal with the fact that I seem friendless at the moment. It is so freeing to know I can come here and always get salve for my wounds.
If I may, I need to share something pretty out of control that happened last night. All weekend long, I had been trying to be positive and "Let's jump in together" and get the house in order. Let's make it a game...Let's have fun with it....."Hubby"...what part of the to do list would you like?" I was trying to do my part, and give him choices about which part of the house cleaning he would feel comfortable sharing.
His response? I shoveled the driveway. I said that was good...but would he please choose an area of the house he would like to help with as well. He said he would clean his room and that's all (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
Again...as calmly as possible I said that the common areas of the house needed some work too...as we all use and dirty those areas...and I was willing to do my part it would just be a great example to our daughter if we all helped.
He replied, " We pay her to do chores...why rob her of that opportunity? Besides...I can't stand it when you control me."
Again...I stated I wasn't trying to control him. I was willing to do more than my share and I didn't care which part of the house he cleaned...but that I really felt we all needed to share in the clean up. He said, "Get a piece of paper and I'll show you how much I really do around here." I got the paper and started writing down all the things we both did...and he stormed out of the room.
I lost it. I truly did. I started screaming about him pushing buttons, and him being the control freak...that through manipulation he was trying to shame me into doing the majority of the work load, even though I put more hours than he does into a full time job.
I grabbed him by the shirt and hollered. I shook my fists. I was shameful...and I can't believe I behaved that way... I sit here today defeated...because not only did I let him push all my buttons...but I ended up cleaning the whole house (with a little help from daughter) anyway.
Help?
(((Anna, Grateful, Lisa, Amy, Serenity))) Thank you for the heartwarming comments helping me deal with the fact that I seem friendless at the moment. It is so freeing to know I can come here and always get salve for my wounds.
If I may, I need to share something pretty out of control that happened last night. All weekend long, I had been trying to be positive and "Let's jump in together" and get the house in order. Let's make it a game...Let's have fun with it....."Hubby"...what part of the to do list would you like?" I was trying to do my part, and give him choices about which part of the house cleaning he would feel comfortable sharing.
His response? I shoveled the driveway. I said that was good...but would he please choose an area of the house he would like to help with as well. He said he would clean his room and that's all (we sleep in seperate bedrooms).
Again...as calmly as possible I said that the common areas of the house needed some work too...as we all use and dirty those areas...and I was willing to do my part it would just be a great example to our daughter if we all helped.
He replied, " We pay her to do chores...why rob her of that opportunity? Besides...I can't stand it when you control me."
Again...I stated I wasn't trying to control him. I was willing to do more than my share and I didn't care which part of the house he cleaned...but that I really felt we all needed to share in the clean up. He said, "Get a piece of paper and I'll show you how much I really do around here." I got the paper and started writing down all the things we both did...and he stormed out of the room.
I lost it. I truly did. I started screaming about him pushing buttons, and him being the control freak...that through manipulation he was trying to shame me into doing the majority of the work load, even though I put more hours than he does into a full time job.
I grabbed him by the shirt and hollered. I shook my fists. I was shameful...and I can't believe I behaved that way... I sit here today defeated...because not only did I let him push all my buttons...but I ended up cleaning the whole house (with a little help from daughter) anyway.
Help?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
A bit of good news, though OT - Elvis has gained a pound and his temp is back to normal. The vet said that I'm doing the right stuff, to keep up with the good food and the Swedish bitters (thanks Grateful!), and that though this won't cure him, he may not have another "flare" for "3 months, 6 months, a year"..much more optimistic than when I took him in last week. Everyone in the vet's office was happy to hear about his little weight gain
I'm still having "I can't believe she did that" thoughts about stepmom. Trust is a HUGE issue with me. Part of me is rememberig all the stupid things I did as an addict, another part of me wants nothing to do with her, for now. Trying to work out a compromise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm still having "I can't believe she did that" thoughts about stepmom. Trust is a HUGE issue with me. Part of me is rememberig all the stupid things I did as an addict, another part of me wants nothing to do with her, for now. Trying to work out a compromise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Annie))) - I'm sorry about what happened with your hubby last night. I typically react the same way, when someone pushes my buttons and have had to start walking away. I know there are better ways of handling it, and every once in a while, I can remain "calm and collected" but not very often when someone is bound and determined to get a rise out of me.
I've been telling myself, for quite some time now, "the next time THIS happens, I will do THIS", regarding any more arguments in my house. I've told dad and stepmom that no matter who is involved, I will NOT be involved..I will go to my room or I will leave the house.
I would also check into hiring someone to help you with the housework. I know you said he would fight with you about it...well, you guys are already fighting about the housework, right?
I'm sorry, hon.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I've been telling myself, for quite some time now, "the next time THIS happens, I will do THIS", regarding any more arguments in my house. I've told dad and stepmom that no matter who is involved, I will NOT be involved..I will go to my room or I will leave the house.
I would also check into hiring someone to help you with the housework. I know you said he would fight with you about it...well, you guys are already fighting about the housework, right?
I'm sorry, hon.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Annie, I'm sorry about what happened. You were trying, in good faith, to work out the problem and no wonder you lost your patience.
Honestly, if I was you, I would go with the cleaning lady. It might seem like an extravagence, but is it worth you feeling as bad as you do right now. Pay someone to do it, and step away with your head held high.
Honestly, if I was you, I would go with the cleaning lady. It might seem like an extravagence, but is it worth you feeling as bad as you do right now. Pay someone to do it, and step away with your head held high.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Letting Go Of Anger
March 1
In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason, it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. Yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger, yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe....
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it is not allowed to harden into or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, its the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely.
Letting Go Of Anger
March 1
In recovery, we often discuss anger objectively. Yes, we reason, it's an emotion we're all prone to experience. Yes, the goal in recovery is to be free of resentment and anger, yes, it's okay to feel angry, we agree. Well, maybe....
Anger is a powerful and sometimes frightening emotion. It's also a beneficial one if it is not allowed to harden into or used as a battering ram to punish or abuse people.
Anger is a warning signal. It points to problems. Sometimes, it points to boundaries we need to set. Sometimes, its the final burst of energy before letting go, or acceptance settles in.
And, sometimes, anger just is. It doesn't have to be justified. It usually can't be confined to a tidy package. And it need not cause us to stifle ourselves or our energy.
We don't have to feel guilty whenever we experience anger. We don't have to feel guilty.
Breathe deeply. We can shamelessly feel all our feelings, including anger, and still take responsibility for our behaviors.
I will feel and release any angry feelings I have today. I can do that appropriately and safely.
Last edited by Astro; 03-01-2010 at 11:18 AM.
Leap of Faith Survivor
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Posts: 4,555
((Annie))..I see this incident as a good thing...you did a good job of trying to respect him and take a constructive approach to the problem and you called him on his behavior. If this wasn't your bottom in this situation, it was the next best thing, and that is good...I don't think you have anything to feel bad about...your feelings are real and justified, but I know how hard it is to finally blow, and feel we have lost control...and feel right about it..but we can...
Insulated, welcome to our thread!
Amy, trust is an issue for me, too.
that is the best news about Elvis...wuhoo!!!!
Insulated, welcome to our thread!
Amy, trust is an issue for me, too.
that is the best news about Elvis...wuhoo!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Yep, I'm pretty happy about Elvis's progress
Good timing on today's reading. I was just talking to a friend here who is grieving the death of her XAH and trying to deal with her son's anger. Because of what I've learned here, and through my own trials of grief, I think I was able to explain that her son's anger isn't personal towards her...it's just that he directs it at her because she's "safe" and he knows she will love him, no matter what.
It feels good to be able to help someone else, from what I've learned.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Good timing on today's reading. I was just talking to a friend here who is grieving the death of her XAH and trying to deal with her son's anger. Because of what I've learned here, and through my own trials of grief, I think I was able to explain that her son's anger isn't personal towards her...it's just that he directs it at her because she's "safe" and he knows she will love him, no matter what.
It feels good to be able to help someone else, from what I've learned.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I just want to give you a hug annie! Thats why we are here honey, because people sometimes wont behave how we want or need them too, even if it is the right way to behave. We can only change our behavior.
When I finally accepted that my (ex)husband was the way he was, period, it was at first very sad for me. But when I discovered that I could change my thoughts, actions and reactions to transform bad situations into opportunities, my new life began to form wings.
Amy, if it were me that would have been another brick paved in my road out of the house. I learn to love and tolerate my fellow addicts, but I have come to really need my sanctuary.
"The baby" just called, she is back in school and having a ball. She tried to spark up my hot tub, and the (ex) told her she would need to pitch in $50 for electricity first, yay!!
I got flowers, chocolate kisses and truffles, jam and Gouda yesterday from my suitor (he puns, dont ask hahah).
When I finally accepted that my (ex)husband was the way he was, period, it was at first very sad for me. But when I discovered that I could change my thoughts, actions and reactions to transform bad situations into opportunities, my new life began to form wings.
Amy, if it were me that would have been another brick paved in my road out of the house. I learn to love and tolerate my fellow addicts, but I have come to really need my sanctuary.
"The baby" just called, she is back in school and having a ball. She tried to spark up my hot tub, and the (ex) told her she would need to pitch in $50 for electricity first, yay!!
I got flowers, chocolate kisses and truffles, jam and Gouda yesterday from my suitor (he puns, dont ask hahah).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Lisa)) - good for the ex on telling "the baby" to contribute toward electricity, so glad she is back in school, and the goodies from the suitor sound awesome - you deserve them all!!
Yes, I am seeing more and more signs that I need to get my own place, but there is still the $$ issue. I'm better off for having paid off some bills, but still have a ways to go. I'm certain that something will work out, though. Brit has been fussing at stepmom for 2 days because stepmom does nothing around the house, so I know it's not just me that is frustrated.
I was talking to dad about his van (it's not working right..sigh) and saw Patches go flying by with Elvis in hot pursuit, so I can tell HE is feeling better They don't fight or play, much...he just chases her.
Tomorrow I take my car in to get it fixed from when I wrecked it twice in one day, and will also get a rental while mine is being fixed (compliments of car insurance). It will be a nice treat to drive in a practically new car, though I'm always glad to get MY car back...I'm paranoid about someone scratching the rental.
Got everything else in my room cleaned up, ready to tackle the school work again. Full steam ahead.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yes, I am seeing more and more signs that I need to get my own place, but there is still the $$ issue. I'm better off for having paid off some bills, but still have a ways to go. I'm certain that something will work out, though. Brit has been fussing at stepmom for 2 days because stepmom does nothing around the house, so I know it's not just me that is frustrated.
I was talking to dad about his van (it's not working right..sigh) and saw Patches go flying by with Elvis in hot pursuit, so I can tell HE is feeling better
They don't fight or play, much...he just chases her.Tomorrow I take my car in to get it fixed from when I wrecked it twice in one day, and will also get a rental while mine is being fixed (compliments of car insurance). It will be a nice treat to drive in a practically new car, though I'm always glad to get MY car back...I'm paranoid about someone scratching the rental.
Got everything else in my room cleaned up, ready to tackle the school work again. Full steam ahead.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
(((Amy)) that's great that you are finally able to get back to your school work...
This was in my readings this morning "Contentment comes when we want God's will more than our own way" This means alot to me, contentment is what I want more than anything else. My problem has always been that I wanted everything and everybody to be the way I thought it or they should be, but it just caused me alot of unhappiness and stress. I believed that I could not be happy till everything was the way I wanted it, so of course I finally figured it out that was never going to happen..so I have to continue to work on acceptance one day a time...
(((Grateful))
This was in my readings this morning "Contentment comes when we want God's will more than our own way" This means alot to me, contentment is what I want more than anything else. My problem has always been that I wanted everything and everybody to be the way I thought it or they should be, but it just caused me alot of unhappiness and stress. I believed that I could not be happy till everything was the way I wanted it, so of course I finally figured it out that was never going to happen..so I have to continue to work on acceptance one day a time...
(((Grateful))
Leap of Faith Survivor
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You are reading from The Language Of Letting Go by Melody Beattie Copyright - 1990 The Hazelden Foundation
Feelings On The Job
March 2
I'm furious about my job. Another man got a promotion that I believe I deserve. I'm so mad I feel like quitting. Now my wife says I should deal with my feelings. What good will that do? He still got the promotion.
- Anonymous
Our feelings at work are as important as our feelings in any other area of our life. Feelings are feelings - and whenever we incur them, dealing with them is what helps us move forward and grow.
Not acknowledging our feelings is what keeps us stuck and gives us stomachaches, headaches, and heartburn.
Yes, it can be a challenge to deal with feelings on the job. Sometimes, things can appear useless. One of our favorite tricks to avoid dealing with feelings is telling ourselves it is useless.
We want to give careful consideration to how we deal with our feelings on the job. It may be appropriate to take our intense feelings to someone not connected to our workplace and sort through them in a safe way.
Once we've experienced the intensity of the feelings, we can figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves on the job.
Sometimes, as in any area of our life, feelings are to be felt and accepted. Sometimes, they are pointing to a problem in us, or a problem we need to resolve with someone else.
Sometimes, our feelings are helping to point us in a direction. Sometimes, they are connected to a message, or a fear: I'll never be successful....I'll never get what I want....I'm not good enough....
Sometimes, the solution is a spiritual approach or remedy. Remember, whenever we bring a spiritual approach to any area of our life, we get the benefit.
We won't know what the lesson is until we summon the courage to stand still and deal with our feelings.
Today, I will consider my feelings at work as important as my feelings at home or anywhere else. I will find an appropriate way to deal with them.
Feelings On The Job
March 2
I'm furious about my job. Another man got a promotion that I believe I deserve. I'm so mad I feel like quitting. Now my wife says I should deal with my feelings. What good will that do? He still got the promotion.
- Anonymous
Our feelings at work are as important as our feelings in any other area of our life. Feelings are feelings - and whenever we incur them, dealing with them is what helps us move forward and grow.
Not acknowledging our feelings is what keeps us stuck and gives us stomachaches, headaches, and heartburn.
Yes, it can be a challenge to deal with feelings on the job. Sometimes, things can appear useless. One of our favorite tricks to avoid dealing with feelings is telling ourselves it is useless.
We want to give careful consideration to how we deal with our feelings on the job. It may be appropriate to take our intense feelings to someone not connected to our workplace and sort through them in a safe way.
Once we've experienced the intensity of the feelings, we can figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves on the job.
Sometimes, as in any area of our life, feelings are to be felt and accepted. Sometimes, they are pointing to a problem in us, or a problem we need to resolve with someone else.
Sometimes, our feelings are helping to point us in a direction. Sometimes, they are connected to a message, or a fear: I'll never be successful....I'll never get what I want....I'm not good enough....
Sometimes, the solution is a spiritual approach or remedy. Remember, whenever we bring a spiritual approach to any area of our life, we get the benefit.
We won't know what the lesson is until we summon the courage to stand still and deal with our feelings.
Today, I will consider my feelings at work as important as my feelings at home or anywhere else. I will find an appropriate way to deal with them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((SG)) - wow, thank you!! I feel the same way about wanting everything "just right" in order to be happy, and giving up because it's never going to BE "just right". Got some work to do on acceptance.
I was driving up to take my car to the shop, and darned if it didn't start snowing again! It isn't sticking much, but there was definitely fluffy white stuff coming from the sky. Got my rental and forgot that I have to pay 20%, but it's okay....the thing is, they didn't have many options to rent and I'm driving a big 'ole SUBURBAN!?!? It's very nice and new, but it's HUGE!
Stepmom is getting ready to go to her substance abuse classe, complaining and whining of back pain. She fell asleep on the couch, slumped over last night but would vehemently deny it if I said anything, so I'm just detaching in a major way.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I was driving up to take my car to the shop, and darned if it didn't start snowing again! It isn't sticking much, but there was definitely fluffy white stuff coming from the sky. Got my rental and forgot that I have to pay 20%, but it's okay....the thing is, they didn't have many options to rent and I'm driving a big 'ole SUBURBAN!?!? It's very nice and new, but it's HUGE!
Stepmom is getting ready to go to her substance abuse classe, complaining and whining of back pain. She fell asleep on the couch, slumped over last night but would vehemently deny it if I said anything, so I'm just detaching in a major way.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Posts: 61,492
Thanks for the reading about feelings on the job.
My boss is Passive-Aggressive, which makes two people in my life that I have to deal with over that issue. And, she is extremely moody. She also never offers praise, which has been kind of a good lesson for me. I have had to learn to take pride in the work I do each day and not expect to hear anything positive from my boss. This has clearly helped me in not forming a codependent relationship with her, which I have done in the past.
Amy I am glad Elvis is better.
My boss is Passive-Aggressive, which makes two people in my life that I have to deal with over that issue. And, she is extremely moody. She also never offers praise, which has been kind of a good lesson for me. I have had to learn to take pride in the work I do each day and not expect to hear anything positive from my boss. This has clearly helped me in not forming a codependent relationship with her, which I have done in the past.
Amy I am glad Elvis is better.
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