grateful2b

((Annie)), I used to be a people pleaser when I was younger, and your first paragraph described me to a T...

I find you to be a thoughtful, intelligent, courageous, kind and sensitive being...whom I would like to get to know better...

For me, choosing to deal with my stuff, doing therapy, and finding out along the way, I wasn't who I thought I was(thank God) really helped me to move away from the ways I thought I needed to be, to be loved, and more focused on liking and loving me, and through this process I changed...my life changed...

Accepting that I was okay; I was enough, just as I was, was a stretch, but it allowed me to get off of my own back a little and just set about doing the work I needed to do in my life...it is not easy to change, but I think we tend to be harder and more critical with ourselves than anyone else..hugs

SerenityGirl

Nothing is happening out here, the tsunami was over an hour late reaching Hawaii and so far just small waves, so I'm sure we are fine on Vancouver Island..but I will definitely be on alert in the mean time...and not go down to the beach...so I have settle down now, was getting a little anxious..it's been hard trying to watch the olympic and waiting for a tsunami at the same time..lol

(((Annie)) You seem like a pretty special lady to me..

grateful2b

Yes, SG, I just noticed that report...I am glad for you

Anna

Annie, I was like you and would try to figure out what people wanted and then that is the person I would become for them. I was the chameleon, always giving, always helping, always dependable. And, I couldn't figure out why I had no friends either. And, it's just like you said. When I look back on it, it wasn't that people disliked me, they didn't 'see' me.

I have felt so much better since I have learned more about myself. I can quite easily say 'No' now and make more healthy choices in my life. I still tend to be hard on myself, as Grateful said, though it's getting better.

SG, I'm glad you can relax a bit now.

Amy, good luck with the job search and keeping the cats locked in.

Gypsy Feet

God (the Universe), our higher power, sends us people.

The new guy has a bit of money and the things that come with that. Today I found myself without a dollar in my pocket, and I disappeared from a gathering to walk for awhile. I found a store, bought cookies for the gathering, and got $9 cash back. He is flashy and/or generous and it makes me squirm.

Seems a dumb reason to not date a guy, because he has cash. I am really trying to stay comfortable in the moment and trust the path.

He and I are both people pleasers, mother hens, raging codies. 24 years in AA and countless failed attempts at trying to save people from themselves has taught him lessons about boundaries, which is good.

I tell him when I am squirrelly and why, he knows it is something for me to work through, and it didn't stop him from bring over FIVE pints of ice cream for my freezer today, uhg

Impurrfect

((Lisa)) - I squirm, too, when a guy has money and wants to spend it on me, and I haven't even dated in quite a while. I've had a few guys suggest that "you just need someone to take care of you, and I'm the one who can do that" I and it makes me extremely uncomfortable; or I've seen guys at work flashing money and it is a big turn-off.

I think I bristle at the thought of ANYONE "taking care of me"...as if I've been insulted, that I can't do it myself? Come to think of it, it's probably a big part of why I haven't even thought of dating...I'm so headstrong about being Miss Independent, I think I send out vibes that say "back off!!" Not to mention, my choice in men has been horrendous up to this point.

I think you are doing very good at not letting him move as fast as HE wants to, and holding onto boundaries...good for you!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

((Lisa))I was thinking earlier today how nice it is that there seems to be some healthy space between you both in this friendship.

I think you may have created this wonderful opportunity to grow by bringing this person into your life on the heels of all the hard work you have done. Someone you can do some good work with, apart from whatever else is meant to be...

Gypsy Feet

Haha Amy, I love you guys!! That cracked me up because tonight I was rather randy, and he was the one who reminded me that we had established that we would wait for the physical aspect until he got back

I sure hope you are right J, this life is such a mystery.

grateful2b

((Gyps))..I know it can be scary, but when I am being challenged in new territory, or worried about being sucked into old behavior, I hold on to my recovery like crazy, and make it the priority and I try to accept that the rest will work out the way its meant to.

SerenityGirl

You are reading from The Language of Letting Go by Melodie Beattie

February 28

LETTING GO OF DENIAL

We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
--Ovid

Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.

We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, wants, or needs.
We denied the truth.

Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. I would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something or someone.

Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope withthat particular reality. People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.

We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right.

We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality--on our own time schedule, when we are ready, and in our Higher Power's timing. We do not have to accept chastisement from anyone, including ourselves, for this schedule.
We will know what we need to know, when it's time to know it.

Today, I will concentrate on making myself feel safe and confident. I will let myself have my awareness on my own time schedule.

grateful2b

SG, thank you for this reading.
I am a late bloomer I spent some time in denial because I was so afraid of the pain of my past and in denial of my right to be happy and whole.

I can still engage in denial if I become lazy in my recovery..or if I am simply unaware.... and that is okay

Anna

Grateful, I really, really needed to hear this yesterday. I have been really hard on myself lately. My relationship with my brother and nephew is non-existent and I have been thinking I'm failing. My relationship with my Dad is okay, but not good, and again I feel like I've been failing. And, then there's my yoga, which I intended to do at least 5 days a week and I'm making more like 3 days a week - again, not meeting my expectation. When I read your words, I just felt a immediate sense of relief. What I'm doing is okay and enough. The journey continues!

grateful2b

aww, Anna,I am glad it was helpful Gosh, I took myself way too seriously, yikes,for half of my life, to the point where "I" was really uncomfortable with myself, and telling myself to lighten up!, sheesh, but I had no clue why, didn't know I was codie or what was driving this need for perfection ....but, no wonder!.... I was taking responsibility for everyone else's behaviour instead of my own in order to belong, and I had to get it right,...but I am getting better; now I can laugh at myself a little when I begin to obsess ...lol....after spending half of my life burdened by the deep pain of not being okay, I am absolutely militant now about my right to make mistakes...to be human....I used to think it was the end of the world...now, I can still get triggered and get caught up, when the anxiety hits, but thats okay, just a part of the fabric of my progress

SerenityGirl

(((Grateful)) (((Anna)) I have to go out for a bit, when I get back I'm going to post Feb 29, which would be appropriate for what you are talking about...

(((Amy))) hope you are doing ok today..

Impurrfect

I'm doing okay, thanks ((SG)). I'm hibernating in my room with Mots (who finally came home this morning). I don't know if the conversations between dad/stepmom are more dysfunctional or if I'm just more sensitive since something stepmom said earlier this week, but either way - it's better for me to detach as much as possible. I feel like I'm hitting bottom another bottom...just don't want to do the "codie dance" any more, and this is a good thing, though painful.

The weather is beautiful, again, but they are talking a possibility of snow on Tue. Our weather is absolutely CRAZY this year!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

grateful2b

(((Amy))) detaching is good

Gypsy Feet

Leap year? woot!

Impurrfect

I am livid. I went to the kitchen to get something to drink, came back, let Patches in and when I walked in my bedroom, I caught stepmom in my purse. I asked her what she was doing there, and she said she was going to get one of my seroquel for sleep!

I have explained to her, numerous times, that I only get enough for one per night, this is a workman's comp med, and she asked me "can I have one?" I said no, explained that when I ran out, I didn't sleep and my meds are prescribed FOR ME!

I just told her that she has really, really upset me and now I don't trust her...something I thought would NEVER happen with her. I asked her how she would feel if she walked in her bedroom and caught ME in HER purse? She said it would make her feel bad. She keeps saying "it won't ever, ever happen again" and I said "it most certainly won't because I won't leave my medicines where you can get to them".

Now I know why I was short on seroquel last month I thought I had screwed up and taken too many, but that didn't make sense to me, either. Denial...that's what it was..I thought maybe she had gotten them, but I just couldn't believe that she would really do that.

No, there is no way I can lock my bedroom door if I'm not in here. If I were to install anything, dad would ask questions and I'm not even telling him about this because it would be a HUGE scene, Brit is home and I will just deal with this myself.

Sorry to be long...I just feel violated

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Anna

Amy, now you know what you're dealing with.

Maybe it's time to lock up your meds somehow, or at least hide them in a safe place. I have a feeling it's happened before and will happen again.

grateful2b

aww, Amy!...what a shame, but her inability to take care and deal with herself is all hers, but I am so sad for you about the loss of trust ...I'd like to think something good may eventually come from this incident