August Sobriety Group Pt 5
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
So the guy that is taking me to AA tonight just called and talked to me. He has some friends flying in from around the country, all from AA. They are going to do some pheasant hunting, then go out for supper before the meeting. He invited me to go to dinner with them and listen to some guys whose lives are forever better after getting alcohol out of their lives. He told me to get out my calendar, and circle November 9th as the day I start "getting better and loving life again." He wants me to call him right after I finish my alcohol assessment. Oh, and not to mention that he called me from the waiting room at the cancer center while he is waiting to get his radiation treatment!!! I just started choking up on the phone. He asked me if I am ready to throw in the towel, and start living again, and I said I am.
So this has been a pretty intense past 16 hours in my life! God has lined this up so perfectly for me. I can't believe it took me so long to reach our for the hands that are so willing to help!
So this has been a pretty intense past 16 hours in my life! God has lined this up so perfectly for me. I can't believe it took me so long to reach our for the hands that are so willing to help!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Doing the happy dance for you....
Amazing, once we get out of the way and let God work in our lives. Each time I have been to a meeting, or met someone, I am once again stunned at how he is working in my life.
It is great that you will meet these guys in a casual, social situation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
I am just afraid I am going to spend the whole evening just bawling like a little school girl! lol. My eyes haven't dried up all day! I don't know if it is nervousness of what the rest of the day will bring, or just joy and happiness this is all over now. Either way, I will get better.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
I hope that happens to me. So far nobody in real life has been much help, and my life is worsening fast the more I stay sober.
I tried to talk to people in the chat room last night, that didn't work so well. I guess I can't expect it to work all the time, and at least it does work sometimes. I think a part of the problem that people don't realize is that this county has more people than several entire states. What services there are are largely used by people who are already familiar with them. Even the website is not so user-friendly.
I woke up sad again, which I think is a first. Usually I'm only sad one day in a row. But I'm stressed, because when I was sick I wasn't able to concentrate on school, and while my teachers gave me a break, every single thing is due today. I have done none of it, and I don't know what to do. I just can't do anything anymore.
I can't take being alone. I can't take being virtually locked up in these four walls because I have nowhere logical to go. I can't take that the only solution for that is to wander to a random place and come back. No money, no friends, no destination. I'm just floating through this school thing, and I think I've run aground. The flu finished off what whiskey started, and did a far better job.
I can't type any more. I'm crying on the keyboard.
Take care y'all, best of luck Brent.
TB
I tried to talk to people in the chat room last night, that didn't work so well. I guess I can't expect it to work all the time, and at least it does work sometimes. I think a part of the problem that people don't realize is that this county has more people than several entire states. What services there are are largely used by people who are already familiar with them. Even the website is not so user-friendly.
I woke up sad again, which I think is a first. Usually I'm only sad one day in a row. But I'm stressed, because when I was sick I wasn't able to concentrate on school, and while my teachers gave me a break, every single thing is due today. I have done none of it, and I don't know what to do. I just can't do anything anymore.
I can't take being alone. I can't take being virtually locked up in these four walls because I have nowhere logical to go. I can't take that the only solution for that is to wander to a random place and come back. No money, no friends, no destination. I'm just floating through this school thing, and I think I've run aground. The flu finished off what whiskey started, and did a far better job.
I can't type any more. I'm crying on the keyboard.
Take care y'all, best of luck Brent.
TB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: up north
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by bdiddy5522 
I am just afraid I am going to spend the whole evening just bawling like a little school girl! lol. My eyes haven't dried up all day! I don't know if it is nervousness of what the rest of the day will bring, or just joy and happiness this is all over now. Either way, I will get better.
Your higher power is working for you Brent--in ways that I have heard of, but now am witnessing with awe. (I am not a religious person, never have been, but I can get my mind around the spirituality of the AA program, and grasp it enough to let it start to work for me). I think you already have quite a head start, and it seems you have a wonderfully supportive family.
This is going to happen for you Brent, I can just feel it. I want to thank you for sharing your journey with me (us). Watching (and following) you go through this awakening (for lack of a better word right now) helps to keep me sober. You will find, after you have been to AA that most of the people there are like your friend (the one who is taking you to AA, and called from the hospital while waiting for his treatment). In helping you, it helps him to remain sober (even if he has 35 years!)--I have seen so many AAers go out of their way to help me in the short time I have been part of the program. The amount of love felt in the rooms, amongst a bunch of former drunks is indescribable sometimes...
About the crying, I wouldn't worry about it!
At my very first meeting I burst into tears during the reading of 'The Promises'...
((Thirty))--hang in there. Sounds so cliche, but 'this too shall pass'...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Thanks for the heads up Sphal. As you can imagine, I am very nervous as to who I will see there. But you know what? They have all been where I am at right now! So if I know them or not, that is fine. We are all just there for the same thing. To get and maintain sobriety.
TB- Please hang in there. I was like that last night. When I finally realized that I had had enough, I burst into tears. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone in real life and get the help I need. I wish I were there to physically be with you TB, but I can't. However, I am sending a BIG hug your way via the internet.
Well, I am off to me evaluation. Check in with you all soon!
TB- Please hang in there. I was like that last night. When I finally realized that I had had enough, I burst into tears. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone in real life and get the help I need. I wish I were there to physically be with you TB, but I can't. However, I am sending a BIG hug your way via the internet.
Well, I am off to me evaluation. Check in with you all soon!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
Wow Brent! That man sounds AMAZING! I can't wait to hear about your evaluation and how your evening went! I am SO HAPPY for you!
thirtybubba...I am sending out a huge cyber-hug for you. I really feel for you. Hang in there! I have a feeling that the longer you fight the urge to drink, the more things will begin to look up. Alcohol toxins have a way of making everything look bad. I am lonely too. Even with a husband and two children, I am in a very lonely phase of my life. Marriage + parenting = lots of work and stress! :O We too are struggling financially. I feel like I have NO friends in IRL. Noone to call. I feel like the only people that I can really relate to live in my computer. I understand. Stay sober and keep talking to the computer...it's GOT to get better...for all of us! I have a feeling that it's the alcohol that is holding us back from living our life to the fullest and that includes everything from reaching our potential to forming relationships. I don't know about you, but most days I can't even think straight. My emotions swing like a pendulum. It's crazy. Heck, *I* feel crazy! :O I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense, but the what I'm trying to say is...you aren't alone, my friend! :)
Okay, gotta get back to work :)
Love,
thirtybubba...I am sending out a huge cyber-hug for you. I really feel for you. Hang in there! I have a feeling that the longer you fight the urge to drink, the more things will begin to look up. Alcohol toxins have a way of making everything look bad. I am lonely too. Even with a husband and two children, I am in a very lonely phase of my life. Marriage + parenting = lots of work and stress! :O We too are struggling financially. I feel like I have NO friends in IRL. Noone to call. I feel like the only people that I can really relate to live in my computer. I understand. Stay sober and keep talking to the computer...it's GOT to get better...for all of us! I have a feeling that it's the alcohol that is holding us back from living our life to the fullest and that includes everything from reaching our potential to forming relationships. I don't know about you, but most days I can't even think straight. My emotions swing like a pendulum. It's crazy. Heck, *I* feel crazy! :O I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense, but the what I'm trying to say is...you aren't alone, my friend! :)
Okay, gotta get back to work :)
Love,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
So bummer news everyone. I got to the agency and my counselor just went home sick! All of the other counselors were already booked, so I couldn't get in today. I re-scheduled for tomorrow. But I guess this is what God has planned for me. Things have come together so well today that I have just turned it over to him and am letting him handle everything. So now I guess just get ready for the meeting tonight. I hope it goes well, and I will check in later.
Yes Melissa, this man I have met numerous times, but didn't think I would ever have to get to know him better this way. But God puts people in our lives for a reason. I can't wait to see where all this is going. All I know is that the end result will be fantastic!
Yes Melissa, this man I have met numerous times, but didn't think I would ever have to get to know him better this way. But God puts people in our lives for a reason. I can't wait to see where all this is going. All I know is that the end result will be fantastic!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Brent...like Sphal., my tears were a-flowing. Once you get to the meeting., you will see that it is full of folks, just like all of us. Like your family friend going thru treatment, yet, still reaching out to you, that is what the rooms are like.
TB-Big hugs to you...I know you have been going to meetings, have you tried to get a sponsor? That would give you someone to talk to., and maybe not feel so alone.
You know a big trigger for me is when I need to remind myself to HALT...don't let myself get too
H-hungry
A-angry
L-lonely
T-tired
I too was like BreakFree even with a family, I was lonely. I had alot to talk about and no one that I could really be honest with. AA has helped me make some friends that know what I am feeling without all of the explaining. That is one thing that helped me realize I needed the face to face support. And for that to work, I had to remain open and approachable. I had to ask someone what I did next...meetings, sponsor, etc.
Nothing is better overnight...it takes time..and it isn't easy...but, the peace of mind from being sober is worth it.
TB-Big hugs to you...I know you have been going to meetings, have you tried to get a sponsor? That would give you someone to talk to., and maybe not feel so alone.
You know a big trigger for me is when I need to remind myself to HALT...don't let myself get too
H-hungry
A-angry
L-lonely
T-tired
I too was like BreakFree even with a family, I was lonely. I had alot to talk about and no one that I could really be honest with. AA has helped me make some friends that know what I am feeling without all of the explaining. That is one thing that helped me realize I needed the face to face support. And for that to work, I had to remain open and approachable. I had to ask someone what I did next...meetings, sponsor, etc.
Nothing is better overnight...it takes time..and it isn't easy...but, the peace of mind from being sober is worth it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Brent...I meant to tell you..there is a man, in our group, that looks just like you.,(from the ***** group pictures). I believe he is even the same age. I looked over at him today
and imagined you there at our meeting.
You were smiling...
and imagined you there at our meeting.
You were smiling...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Hugs Anew! That is so touching. Isn't it funny that even when we all leave our computers, we are still on eachother's minds? This group has really become close, and we have friendships that will last a lifetime! I LOVE IT!
I am starting to get a little nervous about going tonight. The closer it gets, the more nervous I get. I know I HAVE/NEED to do this and take this step. I am just so tired, and I keep thinking maybe just go to bed tonight, and take in a meeting tomorrow night instead. I know I cant do that though. This guys is planning on me being there, and I need this right now. And I may be tempted to drink before tomorrow night. My family is behind me, now I just need to take that first step.
Hugs to everyone here, and cant wait to share my experience with all of you tomorrow!
I am starting to get a little nervous about going tonight. The closer it gets, the more nervous I get. I know I HAVE/NEED to do this and take this step. I am just so tired, and I keep thinking maybe just go to bed tonight, and take in a meeting tomorrow night instead. I know I cant do that though. This guys is planning on me being there, and I need this right now. And I may be tempted to drink before tomorrow night. My family is behind me, now I just need to take that first step.
Hugs to everyone here, and cant wait to share my experience with all of you tomorrow!
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Brent, possibly the counselor you were supposed to see wouldn't have sent you on the right path or else you were meant to meet the other one... or heck, maybe on your way going there you'll see something that you were meant to see.
Well, I had enough (again) this morning. I think I've bottomed out about what 5 times now... this semester. I reach out to people, I get rejected, and in the meantime I gain enough strength to make it a few more weeks. This is my life...
I went back to the counselor dept. Their policy is no changing counselors. The other one cost me too much, I can't look at her without wanting to hurt her (I look down a lot on that part of campus) so I walked out.
I went to my regular dr appointment, and fell apart. She took me to the counselor, and they changed their policy for me. I talked to the counselor, told her a bunch of what was going on, and she said I'm depressed. She said she can't help me with all the problems, but with the depression. So I'm sober, depressed and my life is falling apart and the best anybody has to offer is to make me happy.
Getting sober has not particularly helped... 'cause now I care, and I see I can't do anything about how far I've fallen by going to school. I hope getting happy has a better outcome, but the best I can think of is now I'll be happy about becoming a horrible person who's dependent. So I suppose if that happens, I'll end up happily on welfare or something.
Went to talk with the housing people again. They've been really busy lately, I'm told.
I don't know where to start today. I can only do one thing, and I'm gonna freely miss classes today, and just go to the teacher office hours. I can't get started... and worse, it's all so easy. All of these things I should have had done by now. Nothing is hard, I just can't bring myself to do any of it.
TB
Well, I had enough (again) this morning. I think I've bottomed out about what 5 times now... this semester. I reach out to people, I get rejected, and in the meantime I gain enough strength to make it a few more weeks. This is my life...
I went back to the counselor dept. Their policy is no changing counselors. The other one cost me too much, I can't look at her without wanting to hurt her (I look down a lot on that part of campus) so I walked out.
I went to my regular dr appointment, and fell apart. She took me to the counselor, and they changed their policy for me. I talked to the counselor, told her a bunch of what was going on, and she said I'm depressed. She said she can't help me with all the problems, but with the depression. So I'm sober, depressed and my life is falling apart and the best anybody has to offer is to make me happy.
Getting sober has not particularly helped... 'cause now I care, and I see I can't do anything about how far I've fallen by going to school. I hope getting happy has a better outcome, but the best I can think of is now I'll be happy about becoming a horrible person who's dependent. So I suppose if that happens, I'll end up happily on welfare or something.
Went to talk with the housing people again. They've been really busy lately, I'm told.
I don't know where to start today. I can only do one thing, and I'm gonna freely miss classes today, and just go to the teacher office hours. I can't get started... and worse, it's all so easy. All of these things I should have had done by now. Nothing is hard, I just can't bring myself to do any of it.
TB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
That is the way I am thinking too TB. God has a plan for me, and for whatever reason I wasn't supposed to meet with this guy today. And who knows. Maybe I will really like the AA meeting tonight, and I won't need to talk to them tomorrow. Maybe AA will be all I know. I have no way of knowing. But at some point it will all become evident.
TB- Sorry for what you are going through. So did you get put on some medication for your depression? Things will get better, I promise! Just keep doing as much as you can, when you can.
I think I am going to take off work a bit early today, and go spend some time with my wife and daughter. I know we have some talking to do with everything I am going through. It is time to start repairing the damage on our marriage from all the crap I have put her through with my drinking. It's interesting how 24 hours ago she didn't even know there was a problem. But now that I have told her, we have some issues. Long road, but worth the journey!
TB- Sorry for what you are going through. So did you get put on some medication for your depression? Things will get better, I promise! Just keep doing as much as you can, when you can.
I think I am going to take off work a bit early today, and go spend some time with my wife and daughter. I know we have some talking to do with everything I am going through. It is time to start repairing the damage on our marriage from all the crap I have put her through with my drinking. It's interesting how 24 hours ago she didn't even know there was a problem. But now that I have told her, we have some issues. Long road, but worth the journey!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
TB-be gentle and patient with yourself.
Your body is still trying to get back to normal. Depression sucks, but, is completely normal at this stage of our recovery. To say nothing of your body battling the flu
also.
Your body is still trying to get back to normal. Depression sucks, but, is completely normal at this stage of our recovery. To say nothing of your body battling the flu
also.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Just a quick update before I leave work. I just called and talked to the guy taking me to the meeting tonight. He told me, didn't ask! lol. That he will be picking me up at my house at 5 o'clock and taking me to his house to meet some guys that he said I will really like. Then we are going to a restaurant for supper then we are all going to the meeting. I don't know how to thank this guy. He doesnt need money, as he is wealthy. All he would really need is his health and I cant give him that. So here is a guy battling for his life, and he is trying to save mine. My how the Lord works in amazing ways. I will check in with you all after the meeting.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Good luck tonight BD!
TB, take one thing......one......and do it. If I can write a report on Japanese American subculture as I did this morning.....you can do one thing too......just do it, I know you can.
Hugs
TB, take one thing......one......and do it. If I can write a report on Japanese American subculture as I did this morning.....you can do one thing too......just do it, I know you can.
Hugs
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
No medication.
I think all this worrying has made me sick. I'm gonna go see if I can talk to the housing one last time.
Thought if you went around admitting things and asking for help they'd be nicer. Come back tomorrow.
I can't take this much longer... but I know deep down I'm gonna have to. And worse, that I'm gonna. That's how it works with me, it gets bad, I just have to deal with it. Nobody helped me before, and it's looking like (in real life) no one's gonna help me this time either. So I gotta figure out a way to rationalize this, and all the things I'm gonna have to do to get through this...
Then I'll be good for a little while. Then repeat. This is all I do. Apparently sobriety hasn't helped much. That's a shame, it was kinda fun.
My head hurts a whole lot now, and I'm seeing that I must just be being whiny or something. Nobody cares, and apparently I'm not doing enough. I mean, if I could just be like everybody else and quit all quick and find out how fun it is and how great AA people are... I'm just inconvenient. I mess up the statistics--I remember years ago that's what the unemployment agency told me, when I asked for counseling there (had never worked before, they didn't think my chances of merging into the legitimate society were good) they refused me based on that. I guess I'm consistent, if nothing else.
But it hasn't worked out that way with me. Maybe I have to give it more time. I don't have anything more to give but my body... and I'm starting to wonder how low will I have to go to get through this.
Yeah, VC, they're all easy. I just don't want to do them, and for some reason I can't right now. Maybe later.
TB
I think all this worrying has made me sick. I'm gonna go see if I can talk to the housing one last time.
Thought if you went around admitting things and asking for help they'd be nicer. Come back tomorrow.
I can't take this much longer... but I know deep down I'm gonna have to. And worse, that I'm gonna. That's how it works with me, it gets bad, I just have to deal with it. Nobody helped me before, and it's looking like (in real life) no one's gonna help me this time either. So I gotta figure out a way to rationalize this, and all the things I'm gonna have to do to get through this...
Then I'll be good for a little while. Then repeat. This is all I do. Apparently sobriety hasn't helped much. That's a shame, it was kinda fun.
My head hurts a whole lot now, and I'm seeing that I must just be being whiny or something. Nobody cares, and apparently I'm not doing enough. I mean, if I could just be like everybody else and quit all quick and find out how fun it is and how great AA people are... I'm just inconvenient. I mess up the statistics--I remember years ago that's what the unemployment agency told me, when I asked for counseling there (had never worked before, they didn't think my chances of merging into the legitimate society were good) they refused me based on that. I guess I'm consistent, if nothing else.
But it hasn't worked out that way with me. Maybe I have to give it more time. I don't have anything more to give but my body... and I'm starting to wonder how low will I have to go to get through this.
Yeah, VC, they're all easy. I just don't want to do them, and for some reason I can't right now. Maybe later.
TB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
TB----
I don't know that I have it figured out all quick like,and love AA and everyone in it, etc.
I just know that my was wasn't working. I was dying inside.
Unlike taking a drink, there isn't a quick fix in recovery that makes us feel all happy and warm inside. We have to work at our recovery...it is simple, but, it isn't easy.
Do you have any numbers of the AA folks you can call and talk to someone?
As long as you keep predicting the outcome of everything in your life TB, nothing will change. Let some of that go...
How many consecutive sober days do you have?
I don't know that I have it figured out all quick like,and love AA and everyone in it, etc.
I just know that my was wasn't working. I was dying inside.
Unlike taking a drink, there isn't a quick fix in recovery that makes us feel all happy and warm inside. We have to work at our recovery...it is simple, but, it isn't easy.
Do you have any numbers of the AA folks you can call and talk to someone?
As long as you keep predicting the outcome of everything in your life TB, nothing will change. Let some of that go...
How many consecutive sober days do you have?
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