August Sobriety Group Pt 5
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: far away from the ocean
Posts: 376
Originally Posted by box3 
Hi everyone,
I'm sober but depressed. It's a fairly frequent cycle with me, so rationally I'm thinking my hormones are doing something.
Not so rationally, I'm in a hole, hopeless and empty. I keep having dreams where I'm sobbing because I'm so lonely. I can't drink and I can't not drink. I just want to sleep. I'm disconnected from everything, plodding through the motions behind darkened glass. It started off with extreme irritation and has now progressed to soul ache interspersed with apathy, it's like a piercing existential emptiness.
Exercise is helping. I'll feel better in a few days, I always do.
I have nothing more to offer right now except for my sincere hope that you're all doing OK.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I'm sober but depressed. It's a fairly frequent cycle with me, so rationally I'm thinking my hormones are doing something.
Not so rationally, I'm in a hole, hopeless and empty. I keep having dreams where I'm sobbing because I'm so lonely. I can't drink and I can't not drink. I just want to sleep. I'm disconnected from everything, plodding through the motions behind darkened glass. It started off with extreme irritation and has now progressed to soul ache interspersed with apathy, it's like a piercing existential emptiness.
Exercise is helping. I'll feel better in a few days, I always do.
I have nothing more to offer right now except for my sincere hope that you're all doing OK.
Thank you for letting me vent.
I think I understand where you are coming from. I drank heavily (should I even say it in the past tense since I had wine last night but didn't get drunk?) to dull the pain caused by my depression. When I sobered up in April, I felt much better physically but started sliding mentally and found it unbearable by August. Thing is I know for sure that I can't heal unless I stop drinking and drinking itself can kill me because it's escalating. But I miss the buzz and then the numbness that booze provided.
What I'm trying to say is that drinking won't solve your depression, just prolong it. If you really feel that things are getting out of control, maybe you should seek professional help. But don't just settle for a pill. If possible, get into counseling to learn new coping skills. Depression (and I'm talking about severe clinical depression) is a treatable condition. It's cyclical but with each episode you can learn to manage it better when it strikes.
And exercise is the best natural "antidepressant" so keep going even if you don't feel like it (especially when you don't feel like it).
Good luck!
OB
(not counting days anymore until I'm really committed to leaving alcohol in the past)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
Good Morning! 
Thanks so much for listening to me last night. Your supportive responses mean a lot to me.
The first thing our kids mentioned when they woke up is their pumpkins. We might drive around and see if there are any inexpensive or discounted (or even free...one can only wish!) pumpkins we can buy to carve again. Ugh. We had JUST carved them before we went t-or-t'ing on Friday night and since we had the family gathering yesterday, we hadn't had a chance to even light them up. We were smart enough to bring them in while we were t-or-t'ing (and every other night, for that matter) so they didn't get stolen or ruined that night...oh, I'm still kicking myself!
We have enough leaves to rake today to keep us busy until next week! :O Anyone want to come over for a leaf raking and post-Halloween pumpkin carving party?
I hope you all have a great day!
Love,
Thanks so much for listening to me last night. Your supportive responses mean a lot to me.
The first thing our kids mentioned when they woke up is their pumpkins. We might drive around and see if there are any inexpensive or discounted (or even free...one can only wish!) pumpkins we can buy to carve again. Ugh. We had JUST carved them before we went t-or-t'ing on Friday night and since we had the family gathering yesterday, we hadn't had a chance to even light them up. We were smart enough to bring them in while we were t-or-t'ing (and every other night, for that matter) so they didn't get stolen or ruined that night...oh, I'm still kicking myself!
We have enough leaves to rake today to keep us busy until next week! :O Anyone want to come over for a leaf raking and post-Halloween pumpkin carving party?
I hope you all have a great day!
Love,
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
Good morning!
((((Breakfree)))) That is a total bummer. I remember stuff like that happening where I grew up in Massachusetts. Maybe it's a New England thing. I live in Maryland and we leave our pumpkins and Jack O' Laterns out all the time -- no smashing. If fact, our 3 carved pumpkins are sitting out there this morning and rotting away -- need to toss them! My kids would be crushed if their special pumpkins were destroyed by someone purposefully. I don't understand people either. Now if I had left a bowl of candy out... I would expect it to be gone by the time I got back But that older couple trick or treating for their kids sounds really creepy.
We had kind of a magical night. Everything went well. My ex took the kids trick or treating and I stayed home with my dog passing out candy (he loved greeting everyone!) My youngest son loved answering the door and passing out candy after he got back. All the kids and parents were nice this year. So I'm happy.
I don't have any words of wisdom on depression but I think what you said OB makes a lot of sense. I have thankfully never felt that. Although now I realize something. Drinking was actually making me depressed. Yep. Now that I have stopped (and hopefully this is it) I notice that 99% of what was troubling me has gone away. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for me -- drinking was my main problem.
Okay everyone -- Happy November!!!
((((Breakfree)))) That is a total bummer. I remember stuff like that happening where I grew up in Massachusetts. Maybe it's a New England thing. I live in Maryland and we leave our pumpkins and Jack O' Laterns out all the time -- no smashing. If fact, our 3 carved pumpkins are sitting out there this morning and rotting away -- need to toss them! My kids would be crushed if their special pumpkins were destroyed by someone purposefully. I don't understand people either. Now if I had left a bowl of candy out... I would expect it to be gone by the time I got back
But that older couple trick or treating for their kids sounds really creepy.We had kind of a magical night. Everything went well. My ex took the kids trick or treating and I stayed home with my dog passing out candy (he loved greeting everyone!) My youngest son loved answering the door and passing out candy after he got back. All the kids and parents were nice this year. So I'm happy.
I don't have any words of wisdom on depression but I think what you said OB makes a lot of sense. I have thankfully never felt that. Although now I realize something. Drinking was actually making me depressed. Yep. Now that I have stopped (and hopefully this is it) I notice that 99% of what was troubling me has gone away. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for me -- drinking was my main problem.
Okay everyone -- Happy November!!!
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
One more thing I was thinking of --- how much alcohol was woven into my life. In the past, I noticed that Moms of kids liked to stay home on Halloween and pass out the candy and DRINK WINE while the Dads took the kids trick or treating. I thought this cool when I saw some Moms doing this and started the tradition myself for many years. Heck, I even took wine with me in a paper cup when I took the kids trick or treating!! I think the point is that we have made drinking so important in our adult lives that we have found a way to incorporate into just about every event and holiday that we have.
Last night I had a sober Halloween giving out the candy, taking pictures of my kids, greeting the neighbors. etc. And guess what? It was great!!! The thought of numbing it all out with wine seems silly and pointless. And thankfully the thought never even crossed my mind even though this is probably my first sober Halloween in many years.
On Day 4 today! I seldom have cravings now. But just have to make it 100% of the time and I'll be okay.
Last night I had a sober Halloween giving out the candy, taking pictures of my kids, greeting the neighbors. etc. And guess what? It was great!!! The thought of numbing it all out with wine seems silly and pointless. And thankfully the thought never even crossed my mind even though this is probably my first sober Halloween in many years.
On Day 4 today! I seldom have cravings now. But just have to make it 100% of the time and I'll be okay.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Box,
I read that the other day, couldn't answer it in the state of mind I was in.
Like OB said, see if you might find counseling or something for all of that--and I agree that pills aren't the best solution, although that's your choice in the end. Like drinking, you (and me, and a whole lotta other people) need to find something to fill our our all. It's not just a hobby after a certain point. It's a best friend, a reason to laugh, a reason to cry, the liquid that pours itself into the holes in our souls that life has left us after the scars go away without having healed. And with it poured in, we feel complete, once that's over, there's always something missing, nagging at us.
I've felt that strange emptiness, when I neither want to drink or not drink. I don't know what I'd do then with a bottle in front of me, and I know it's a paradoxical duality... I've felt days when it just seems there's nothing left, I voluntarily gave up the only thing I had in my life for a vacuum or something... And then, like you mention, it gets better. This is what I call the emotional roller coaster, and no, I do not care to have made it's acquaintance.
If it's cyclical, it might help to write out on a calendar in abbreviated form/symbols major things that actually happened that day, and major periods of emotions. I did that for the month of October, and it's highly enlightening... I found out several patterns I never would have suspected. Why, I don't know, but now that I do, it's easier to deal with it. I have proof that it'll go away--'cause even though I know and I'm told, that doesn't equate with me truly believing something will end when I'm going through it. Also, I know in advance when something is likely to happen--like crying, which is a bad one for me, because I have to do so much public speaking. Not good when your speech on the Non-Aligned Movement ends in tears...
Take care y'all,
TB, no longer going crazy thinking about liquor like she was yesterday and the day before... whew.
I read that the other day, couldn't answer it in the state of mind I was in.
Like OB said, see if you might find counseling or something for all of that--and I agree that pills aren't the best solution, although that's your choice in the end. Like drinking, you (and me, and a whole lotta other people) need to find something to fill our our all. It's not just a hobby after a certain point. It's a best friend, a reason to laugh, a reason to cry, the liquid that pours itself into the holes in our souls that life has left us after the scars go away without having healed. And with it poured in, we feel complete, once that's over, there's always something missing, nagging at us.
I've felt that strange emptiness, when I neither want to drink or not drink. I don't know what I'd do then with a bottle in front of me, and I know it's a paradoxical duality... I've felt days when it just seems there's nothing left, I voluntarily gave up the only thing I had in my life for a vacuum or something... And then, like you mention, it gets better. This is what I call the emotional roller coaster, and no, I do not care to have made it's acquaintance.
If it's cyclical, it might help to write out on a calendar in abbreviated form/symbols major things that actually happened that day, and major periods of emotions. I did that for the month of October, and it's highly enlightening... I found out several patterns I never would have suspected. Why, I don't know, but now that I do, it's easier to deal with it. I have proof that it'll go away--'cause even though I know and I'm told, that doesn't equate with me truly believing something will end when I'm going through it. Also, I know in advance when something is likely to happen--like crying, which is a bad one for me, because I have to do so much public speaking. Not good when your speech on the Non-Aligned Movement ends in tears...
Take care y'all,
TB, no longer going crazy thinking about liquor like she was yesterday and the day before... whew.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
How is everyone? I am a little stressed. Sundays always get to me. And to have 3 kids inside on a rainy day all day... these were the days where I used to turn to wine. (USED TO... not anymore!) I'm taking the kids to movies to get out of the house. We are going to see "Where the Wild Things Are." Have heard it's good... later everyone!
Meow
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Great Lakes State
Posts: 1,585
(((BF's kids))) That's terrible!
Went to a friends last night - DS was trick-or-treating with her son and a group of friends and girlfriends. This guy (adult) came to the door with a cooler and trick-or-treated for beer. No joke. Apparently he comes every year. She game him a beer.
Went to a friends last night - DS was trick-or-treating with her son and a group of friends and girlfriends. This guy (adult) came to the door with a cooler and trick-or-treated for beer. No joke. Apparently he comes every year. She game him a beer.
perpetual optimist
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
BOX...........NO! You are not hopeless!!!!! I swear! I am the biggest loser in this group....trust me.........I hate the hole you are in, I know it well, but know you will come out of it, ok? love you.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
VC--vying for the biggest loser of the group???
Wha'??
VC, no no no... *shaking head* you're not half the loser you claim to be... just haven't finished yet, or whatever trite sentence you wanna put to it. More likely, you're in a place I been a time or two... and forgot to leave for a few years. You're persistent for starters.... and if that's not a good quality, I'm in for a lot of trouble...
You'll get out of that hole someday, somehow. Quite possibly by accident, if nothing seems to work...
Me, I finished day 8. The clock doesn't agree with me, but I can't move and I don't have any money till tomorrow. My toes hurt. Looking at them, they need a bath too.
I went to that meeting. They were very friendly there. After, I was getting cold and hot and realized I had gotten sick, which was a problem because I had taken a bus partway that no longer ran by then. The only way home was to walk--and me all fevered and achy and sneezing and in a dress. So I asked for a ride. I have been downgraded from "inconvenient" status to "live too far" (5mi) status. They'd love to help, but it's too far. Some came on a bike.
I guess I should be happy they're at least nice and friendly. That's pretty good for Southern California, so I guess the fact that they didn't mind me walking 3 hours in the dark shouldn't come into play... its the best I got.
That's all. Oh, and I'm eating macaroni and cheese, my belly's so little now it can't eat the whole thing at once.
Take care (and no fighting y'all),
TB
Wha'??
VC, no no no... *shaking head* you're not half the loser you claim to be... just haven't finished yet, or whatever trite sentence you wanna put to it. More likely, you're in a place I been a time or two... and forgot to leave for a few years. You're persistent for starters.... and if that's not a good quality, I'm in for a lot of trouble...
You'll get out of that hole someday, somehow. Quite possibly by accident, if nothing seems to work...
Me, I finished day 8. The clock doesn't agree with me, but I can't move and I don't have any money till tomorrow. My toes hurt. Looking at them, they need a bath too.
I went to that meeting. They were very friendly there. After, I was getting cold and hot and realized I had gotten sick, which was a problem because I had taken a bus partway that no longer ran by then. The only way home was to walk--and me all fevered and achy and sneezing and in a dress. So I asked for a ride. I have been downgraded from "inconvenient" status to "live too far" (5mi) status. They'd love to help, but it's too far. Some came on a bike.
I guess I should be happy they're at least nice and friendly. That's pretty good for Southern California, so I guess the fact that they didn't mind me walking 3 hours in the dark shouldn't come into play... its the best I got.
That's all. Oh, and I'm eating macaroni and cheese, my belly's so little now it can't eat the whole thing at once.
Take care (and no fighting y'all),
TB
hypercube
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 306
Thanks everyone, your support is really appreciated.
I've lived with major clinical depression for almost 10 years now, so it's not new or unfamiliar. I'm starting to be a bit more philosophical and through experience can see that it's transitory and cyclic. I'm learning to treat it like a flu. Your suggestions are all good ones, thank you. I recently fired my therapist and have another in mind, so I will follow up that appointment this week. I eat a healthy low GI diet and take fish oil and other supplements. I've been on SSRI medication for a long time and I've been fortunate enough to recently be able to get back into physical exercise, which really helps. I felt better after swimming a couple of kilometres yesterday. Long term depression is all about management in my experience, it doesn't ever go away. I will start tracking my depression cycle again (thanks TB), I have a hunch there's a hormonal trigger. I just needed to vent in a safe space.
ViciousCycle, you are not a loser, full stop. *hug*
BreakFree, I'm sorry to hear about the vandalism of your pumpkins. My mother used to live in the States and when I was little she would occasionally bake the most delicious pumpkin pies. Maybe you could bake one for your kids, turning a negative into a positive?
When life hands you smashed pumpkins, make pie!
Love & best fishes,
box3
...still swimming
I've lived with major clinical depression for almost 10 years now, so it's not new or unfamiliar. I'm starting to be a bit more philosophical and through experience can see that it's transitory and cyclic. I'm learning to treat it like a flu. Your suggestions are all good ones, thank you. I recently fired my therapist and have another in mind, so I will follow up that appointment this week. I eat a healthy low GI diet and take fish oil and other supplements. I've been on SSRI medication for a long time and I've been fortunate enough to recently be able to get back into physical exercise, which really helps. I felt better after swimming a couple of kilometres yesterday. Long term depression is all about management in my experience, it doesn't ever go away. I will start tracking my depression cycle again (thanks TB), I have a hunch there's a hormonal trigger. I just needed to vent in a safe space.
ViciousCycle, you are not a loser, full stop. *hug*
BreakFree, I'm sorry to hear about the vandalism of your pumpkins. My mother used to live in the States and when I was little she would occasionally bake the most delicious pumpkin pies. Maybe you could bake one for your kids, turning a negative into a positive?
When life hands you smashed pumpkins, make pie!
Love & best fishes,
box3
...still swimming
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: midsouth
Posts: 2,331
Wait a second, sorry Box, anybody else. It's day 9 I finished. I can't count. My eyes are tired too.
9 days??? Well, that's coming up on my bronze medal position (11 days).
And I done fought so much to stay sober this time, it'd be making all this mental and emotional pain and energy not worth anything if I just drank again. I mean, I could have started out drinking again, but I fought, and I don't really got much fight left in me compared to before. I gotta spend my fight wisely. So this all better be worth it...
-TB, not a mathematics major or even capable of properly counting handdrawn smiley faces on a calendar
9 days??? Well, that's coming up on my bronze medal position (11 days).
And I done fought so much to stay sober this time, it'd be making all this mental and emotional pain and energy not worth anything if I just drank again. I mean, I could have started out drinking again, but I fought, and I don't really got much fight left in me compared to before. I gotta spend my fight wisely. So this all better be worth it...
-TB, not a mathematics major or even capable of properly counting handdrawn smiley faces on a calendar
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Hi everyone..
Well, it sound like everyone Halloween was a good one, despite BF's violated pumpkins.
Depression and drinking...hmm..its the chicken and the egg, which came first? I do know the longer alcohol is out of my system, the more my depression is lifted. Excercise is such a great natural endorphin rush. With the extra hour we have gained, I am adding I am committed to getting back in my exercise routine.
It is November already...I feel as though this year as just flown by...
Have a great Monday everyone.
Well, it sound like everyone Halloween was a good one, despite BF's violated pumpkins.
Depression and drinking...hmm..its the chicken and the egg, which came first? I do know the longer alcohol is out of my system, the more my depression is lifted. Excercise is such a great natural endorphin rush. With the extra hour we have gained, I am adding I am committed to getting back in my exercise routine.
It is November already...I feel as though this year as just flown by...
Have a great Monday everyone.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
Good morning all! I'm stressed out but trying to be more positive about things today. After reading this thread, I am going out NOW for a run -- before 8:00 am while the going is good. I need some of those endorphins...
Hope everyone is doing well. Day 5 for me today.
Hope everyone is doing well. Day 5 for me today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
Good Morning! :)
Oh, I hate that I only have a second! I WILL be back!
I wanted to share a quote I got in my mailbox from SparkPeople.com. I love that health site...and it's FREE! :)
This quote really gives me visual of where I have been and where I am want to be in the face of adversity. I am by no means satisfied with where I am at with this and I am going to work on that! The beauty of each new day is that it brings a new beginning and opportunity. What's past is past...moving onward and upward...JUMP ON EVERYONE! :)
Have a great day everyone! :)
Love,
Oh, I hate that I only have a second! I WILL be back!
I wanted to share a quote I got in my mailbox from SparkPeople.com. I love that health site...and it's FREE! :)
"Look at a man in the midst of doubt and danger and you will learn in his hour of adversity what he really is." ~Lucretius, Roman philosopher
Have a great day everyone! :)
Love,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Happy Monday everyone. Man, lots of catching up to do on here. I am sorry I am always so absent over the weekends. Our computer at home is in the basement, and I just never really go down there. So I don't check much on here over the weekends.
I drank again this weekend, and am paying for it today. I don't know what is wrong with me, or why I do it. I am just so pissed at myself and don't know where to turn anymore. I always have such great intentions of not drinking, and really plan on doing it. But I fall every time. I just don't know if I can do it. I just for once want a weekend where I feel good and not hung over all the time! Just ONCE! Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is!
But I am going to explore some different recovery programs. Obviously SR alone is not enough. I don't drink because I want to, I drink because it hurts to bad NOT to. The withdrawals start kicking in, and they just hurt too bad so I drink and they go away. The longest I have made it since I have started this quest back in June is 7 days. How pathetic am I?
Anyways, wish me luck as I try some new methods and so happy for all of you doing this!
BF- Sorry about the pumpkins! Someone smashed my daughters pumpkin a few weeks ago. It was a special one my Dad made for her with her name carved in it. Some kids are just mean! I did my fair share of bad things back in the day, but I never smashed a pumpkin. I knew some kid would be heart broken. I wish they would think of others before they do stuff like that.
I drank again this weekend, and am paying for it today. I don't know what is wrong with me, or why I do it. I am just so pissed at myself and don't know where to turn anymore. I always have such great intentions of not drinking, and really plan on doing it. But I fall every time. I just don't know if I can do it. I just for once want a weekend where I feel good and not hung over all the time! Just ONCE! Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is!
But I am going to explore some different recovery programs. Obviously SR alone is not enough. I don't drink because I want to, I drink because it hurts to bad NOT to. The withdrawals start kicking in, and they just hurt too bad so I drink and they go away. The longest I have made it since I have started this quest back in June is 7 days. How pathetic am I?
Anyways, wish me luck as I try some new methods and so happy for all of you doing this!
BF- Sorry about the pumpkins! Someone smashed my daughters pumpkin a few weeks ago. It was a special one my Dad made for her with her name carved in it. Some kids are just mean! I did my fair share of bad things back in the day, but I never smashed a pumpkin. I knew some kid would be heart broken. I wish they would think of others before they do stuff like that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Bdiddy...
Isn't that an awful way to start the week off, hangover..ugh., I don't miss it. But, I do know EXACTLY what you are saying about the withdrawals kicking in, and the cycle starting all over again.
AA has been the absolute best thing I have ever done in my recovery. It keeps my spiritual side engaged and present, which, has lifted even the pre-occupation in my mind about drinking. When I had quit before, I had the alcohol out of my body, but, it really wasn't out of my head. I would entertain thoughts of moderately drinking...or such, and as you know, eventually, my resolve was destroyed. I hopped on the insane train once more.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to keep sober., and know that all of us are here.
Isn't that an awful way to start the week off, hangover..ugh., I don't miss it. But, I do know EXACTLY what you are saying about the withdrawals kicking in, and the cycle starting all over again.
AA has been the absolute best thing I have ever done in my recovery. It keeps my spiritual side engaged and present, which, has lifted even the pre-occupation in my mind about drinking. When I had quit before, I had the alcohol out of my body, but, it really wasn't out of my head. I would entertain thoughts of moderately drinking...or such, and as you know, eventually, my resolve was destroyed. I hopped on the insane train once more.
Good Luck with whatever you decide to keep sober., and know that all of us are here.
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