I want to tell you a story about the blessings of being cannabis-free
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
yeah - replace cannabis in the above post with alcohol and its clear how crazy that AV is
this is the same AV you've beaten before FreeOwl - you've got this 
D
As quietly, slowly, steadily all around me, alcohol culture has infused the daily narrative - it has grown with subtle intensity. I have a lot of friends who now drink casually, recreationally. I have clients who are in the business. I have friends and family in the business. I have this 'romantic' notional history of association between alcohol and some really influential people in my past and all of that combines into this subtle AV sneak attack preying on my not being 'good enough' or being 'broken' because of my own inability to live life in balance with a drug.
Which - of course - is absolutely stupid.
But I think that's maybe the single biggest influence. It's me coming unmoored from my own vision of who I am, who I want to be, what's important to me, my values.
And opening a willingness in my conscious self to accept the nonsense 'rationale' of my AV.
Here's how it goes: "Oh, why not grab some beers. They really don't cause any harm and you can easily just have a couple now and again"
Next day: Well... heck. Head's still a little bleary from yesterday. Today's not a work day. It'll be a lot more clear with a little.....
Several hours later: "may as well have a few more....... today's shot"
Next day: 'hm. feel pretty down. kinda blew it already. Guess may as well have another to pep up a bit.
Next day: "these stupid things. Gotta just get rid of 'em. They're just trouble. Not even all that fun or enjoyable. Well.... guess I'll finish this 12 pack off so there's nothing more to tempt."
Which - of course - is absolutely stupid.
But I think that's maybe the single biggest influence. It's me coming unmoored from my own vision of who I am, who I want to be, what's important to me, my values.
And opening a willingness in my conscious self to accept the nonsense 'rationale' of my AV.
Here's how it goes: "Oh, why not grab some beers. They really don't cause any harm and you can easily just have a couple now and again"
Next day: Well... heck. Head's still a little bleary from yesterday. Today's not a work day. It'll be a lot more clear with a little.....
Several hours later: "may as well have a few more....... today's shot"
Next day: 'hm. feel pretty down. kinda blew it already. Guess may as well have another to pep up a bit.
Next day: "these stupid things. Gotta just get rid of 'em. They're just trouble. Not even all that fun or enjoyable. Well.... guess I'll finish this 12 pack off so there's nothing more to tempt."
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks, Dee.... I agree. End of Day Two. I'm pretty tired still. And this evening I'm also deeply aware of how challenging the context is for me right now. Something to be acknowledged, not as an excuse, but as a kindness to myself and an awareness that between the struggle of this year to barely stay afloat in a new business I started, having to lay people off not once but twice, my wife being roped into a business she never really wanted to be building but now is inadvertently wound into so deeply that it's a daily source of misery for her and stress for our marriage.... children who have gone nearly a year without anything remotely close to enough social contact.... both of them doing entirely online remote schooling and doing their best but it's freaking hard... a toddler who doesn't get enough attention or interaction with other children..... two kids that go back and forth every other week to a mother who has significant unresolved trauma and personality / emotional / mental health issues.... the lasting impact of grief on all of us from having lost my kid sister / the children's aunt / my folks' emotional and psychological state as a result.... and the never-ending constant onslaught of what seems to be dozens of hours a week just trying to make technology work that's theoretically supposed to make our lives "easier"..... all in the context of being a 48 year old man who is aging faster than ever before and cut off from any real meaningful male companionship or close male support for the bulk of the last decade apart from casual acquaintances or work relationships...... honestly, you add that all up and it's truly a wonder I'm alive and haven't relapsed into far deeper addiction and / or given up on life. So.... while I don't excuse cannabis as being OK, I can look at all of that and I can be gentle on myself and at least not carry shame or self-defeatism.
Tonight my wife really had a melt down. The pressure on her is also all of the above - PLUS living with and putting up with me. So her life is a giant strain right now as well.
But, we're all relatively healthy..... we have one another.... we have a warm and loving home even if there's a lot of crying and yelling a lot of the time.... there's a lot to be grateful for.... and there's also a lot to contend with.
Day Two.... at least I made it. Bed time.
Tonight my wife really had a melt down. The pressure on her is also all of the above - PLUS living with and putting up with me. So her life is a giant strain right now as well.
But, we're all relatively healthy..... we have one another.... we have a warm and loving home even if there's a lot of crying and yelling a lot of the time.... there's a lot to be grateful for.... and there's also a lot to contend with.
Day Two.... at least I made it. Bed time.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
I think most people could draw up a list of things/reasons they want to escape from this past year FreeOwl....and man many of those reasons are valid.
I have a problem tho in that when I turn to weed or booze to escape I lose myself...and while thats disastrous for me, its just as disastrous for those who love care and depend on me.
I think to get through the world as it is now, we need to set aside the self indulgence and focus on our families and communities.
Its tough being an adult right now...but our grandparents and great grandparents did it tougher than we ever will - 12 hour days 6 days a week - bed at dusk and up at dawn. They did not break - and we belong to that gene pool.
There's a kind of rightness to living sober too - a sense of purpose and meaning - a sense of accomplishment and pride - a knowledge that 'this won't break me'.
I still prefer that to a buzz
I have a problem tho in that when I turn to weed or booze to escape I lose myself...and while thats disastrous for me, its just as disastrous for those who love care and depend on me.
I think to get through the world as it is now, we need to set aside the self indulgence and focus on our families and communities.
Its tough being an adult right now...but our grandparents and great grandparents did it tougher than we ever will - 12 hour days 6 days a week - bed at dusk and up at dawn. They did not break - and we belong to that gene pool.
There's a kind of rightness to living sober too - a sense of purpose and meaning - a sense of accomplishment and pride - a knowledge that 'this won't break me'.
I still prefer that to a buzz
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think most people could draw up a list of things/reasons they want to escape from this past year FreeOwl....and man many of those reasons are valid.
I have a problem tho in that when I turn to weed or booze to escape I lose myself...and while thats disastrous for me, its just as disastrous for those who love care and depend on me.
I think to get through the world as it is now, we need to set aside the self indulgence and focus on our families and communities.
Its tough being an adult right now...but our grandparents and great grandparents did it tougher than we ever will - 12 hour days 6 days a week - bed at dusk and up at dawn. They did not break - and we belong to that gene pool.
There's a kind of rightness to living sober too - a sense of purpose and meaning - a sense of accomplishment and pride - a knowledge that 'this won't break me'.
I still prefer that to a buzz
I have a problem tho in that when I turn to weed or booze to escape I lose myself...and while thats disastrous for me, its just as disastrous for those who love care and depend on me.
I think to get through the world as it is now, we need to set aside the self indulgence and focus on our families and communities.
Its tough being an adult right now...but our grandparents and great grandparents did it tougher than we ever will - 12 hour days 6 days a week - bed at dusk and up at dawn. They did not break - and we belong to that gene pool.
There's a kind of rightness to living sober too - a sense of purpose and meaning - a sense of accomplishment and pride - a knowledge that 'this won't break me'.
I still prefer that to a buzz
I agree 100%.
My post was more of a reflection on what brought me to this struggle, not in any way a justification.
Literally anything is more of a struggle when an addiction is active.
Case in point: This week both Monday and Tuesday were fraught with frustrations for me. Monday, I actually used a small amount because I was still so fuzzy headed from the weekend. The thought process was basically; well, I already screwed up, this will help me not feel so dull, etc. etc.... classic addictive rationalization.
Tuesday, Day One, was clearer.... but of course still lasting effects of mindhaze and everything was harder to accomplish than it ought to be. Small details confounded my processes, my focus wasn't sharp.
Even Wednesday I could still note that my mind wasn't as 'on it' and my mood wasn't centered in gratitude.
"Escape" is never really escape.... it's illusion and it makes everything worse / harder to deal with. Often in small and subtle ways, but absolutely it does impair my presence and ability to handle whatever may come my way.
For a lot of years, I suppose in some ways I 'got away with it', in the sense that I could function fairly well and not note the impact in big and obvious ways. But, the phrase 'death by a million cuts' comes to mind. How much better off would I have been, how much happier, sharper, more effective, more giving, more present, more alive might those years have been without the dulling of weed?
Today it's back to Day Three. I feel a little better. Still a little glum. Part of it is the context I described in my post.... the pressures of life are still significant. But, it's also a glumness that stems from the recognition of my silly choice to put myself through a year's worth of returning to old patterns with this substance.
Today, I will be clean AND sober and I will meet the day on life's terms.
But I'll be present for it.
Thanks, Dee.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
I didn't mean to infer you were making justifications.
I know you know this stuff.
The key is making the right decision and doing the stuff you know is right, even when it's inconvenient, uncomfortable, sets you apart from your friends, is not at all fun, or not doing it just plan ******* you off.
D
I know you know this stuff.
The key is making the right decision and doing the stuff you know is right, even when it's inconvenient, uncomfortable, sets you apart from your friends, is not at all fun, or not doing it just plan ******* you off.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Last night, the blessings of sobriety and cannabis free living found me under a beautiful full-moon sky on a frozen pond with my three daughters... clearing the snow, ice skating, working the surface to a smooth and skateable sheen. Although there were rough moments of those kids complaining and bickering that frustrated me - overall it was a glorious thing indeed. Earlier in the evening, I had glanced at the time while preparing to head home from work for this mission. It was 4:19. I had this fleeting thought.... 4:20 is just around the corner!! If I hurry I could go grab a spliff from the dispensary and smoke it before the pond. I saw that thought arise, thought back at it: "That's insane", and went home without a stop.
The moonlit sky, the backlit clouds, my daughters' squeals and smiles, the weariness of a couple hours of shoveling and hacking holes in the ice and throwing water across the surface to smooth it.... the contentment of presence and of clarity and of goodness.
Thank God for this Day Four.
The moonlit sky, the backlit clouds, my daughters' squeals and smiles, the weariness of a couple hours of shoveling and hacking holes in the ice and throwing water across the surface to smooth it.... the contentment of presence and of clarity and of goodness.
Thank God for this Day Four.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
oh... and by the way..... it strikes me how the above is also an example of 'escape'.
I escaped to the present. Escaped from the imagined futures. Escaped from the worries and the stress and the anxiety. Escaped the bills and the workload and the frustration and the complexity and the fear and the concern.....
I escaped into the Now with my kids and into the blissful beauty of the moment.
So.... maybe escape ain't so bad after all..... if it's the right destination.
I escaped to the present. Escaped from the imagined futures. Escaped from the worries and the stress and the anxiety. Escaped the bills and the workload and the frustration and the complexity and the fear and the concern.....
I escaped into the Now with my kids and into the blissful beauty of the moment.
So.... maybe escape ain't so bad after all..... if it's the right destination.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
Hey Owl, it’s a good thing you are on the right track again. All these things you are mentioning, I think you are better off facing them sober.
You know so well how all this works. There’s nothing I know that you don’t know. No need for advice, just the notion that I have been wondering how you’re doing.
Keep at it and post often! Ride that bike every now and then, and enjoy nature. Have a good weekend!
You know so well how all this works. There’s nothing I know that you don’t know. No need for advice, just the notion that I have been wondering how you’re doing.
Keep at it and post often! Ride that bike every now and then, and enjoy nature. Have a good weekend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by FlyingDutchMan
Hey Owl, it’s a good thing you are on the right track again. All these things you are mentioning, I think you are better off facing them sober.
You know so well how all this works. There’s nothing I know that you don’t know. No need for advice, just the notion that I have been wondering how you’re doing.
Keep at it and post often! Ride that bike every now and then, and enjoy nature. Have a good weekend!
You know so well how all this works. There’s nothing I know that you don’t know. No need for advice, just the notion that I have been wondering how you’re doing.
Keep at it and post often! Ride that bike every now and then, and enjoy nature. Have a good weekend!
You're right... I know what I need to do and how it works....
and your camaraderie and cheerleading are appreciated.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
HELLLLOOOOOO everyone. Well, where did I go?
I got 'busy' and I got 'distracted' and I got caught by the 'screw it' monster and here I am......
Another Day One.
Another cycle of rationalizing and 'moderating' and letting life carry me away with the tides of mindless routine.
Last night a good friend of mine shared with me that he's come to the conclusion he 'can't stop drinking' - and that what he's been doing for some time amounts to an extended period of failed attempt to moderate.
Which shone a light on where I am with this cannabis curse.
Thank you for checking in. I have a cold, so between that and my own sense of frustration and disappointment with myself, I feel a bit down and hopeless this morning.
I know it's not hopeless. I know I'm not hopeless. But I am tired of this dumb game.
So.
Today, Day One.... again.
I got 'busy' and I got 'distracted' and I got caught by the 'screw it' monster and here I am......
Another Day One.
Another cycle of rationalizing and 'moderating' and letting life carry me away with the tides of mindless routine.
Last night a good friend of mine shared with me that he's come to the conclusion he 'can't stop drinking' - and that what he's been doing for some time amounts to an extended period of failed attempt to moderate.
Which shone a light on where I am with this cannabis curse.
Thank you for checking in. I have a cold, so between that and my own sense of frustration and disappointment with myself, I feel a bit down and hopeless this morning.
I know it's not hopeless. I know I'm not hopeless. But I am tired of this dumb game.
So.
Today, Day One.... again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Thanks, Dee.... I want to crack this nut, I know I can, I know I will, I know I'm able.
I sort of allowed myself to give up.... I can't tell for sure whether it was shame, abandonment of self, a simple desire to avoid confronting myself with the obvious or a basic matter of addiction winning but I'm glad my friend's words brought my attention to my reality. I'm glad I came here this morning to grab a link to one of the famous "Moderation" posts to share with my friend.... I'm glad that led me to check in here, I'm glad I am still seeking freedom.
I sort of allowed myself to give up.... I can't tell for sure whether it was shame, abandonment of self, a simple desire to avoid confronting myself with the obvious or a basic matter of addiction winning but I'm glad my friend's words brought my attention to my reality. I'm glad I came here this morning to grab a link to one of the famous "Moderation" posts to share with my friend.... I'm glad that led me to check in here, I'm glad I am still seeking freedom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
We've all been there. The dream of moderation. But that's not possible with an addict.
I got really tired of arguing with myself, the endless internal dialog with the AV.
I made the decision to completely shut the door on that voice. Anytime a thought of using popped up, I slammed it down by saying to myself two simple words. No More.
Until I completely committed to sobriety, that risk was always there. And the AV was stubborn and insistent. The thoughts became fewer and farther between but lasted years.
And I'm delighted to report that the thoughts of using again are quite repulsive. I see people on TV in cloud of pot smoke and I think Ugh, never again.
So while it's going to take work and time, it's possible. You just have to keep trying.
I got really tired of arguing with myself, the endless internal dialog with the AV.
I made the decision to completely shut the door on that voice. Anytime a thought of using popped up, I slammed it down by saying to myself two simple words. No More.
Until I completely committed to sobriety, that risk was always there. And the AV was stubborn and insistent. The thoughts became fewer and farther between but lasted years.
And I'm delighted to report that the thoughts of using again are quite repulsive. I see people on TV in cloud of pot smoke and I think Ugh, never again.
So while it's going to take work and time, it's possible. You just have to keep trying.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,481
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Thanks, Dee.... I want to crack this nut, I know I can, I know I will, I know I'm able.
I sort of allowed myself to give up.... I can't tell for sure whether it was shame, abandonment of self, a simple desire to avoid confronting myself with the obvious or a basic matter of addiction winning but I'm glad my friend's words brought my attention to my reality. I'm glad I came here this morning to grab a link to one of the famous "Moderation" posts to share with my friend.... I'm glad that led me to check in here, I'm glad I am still seeking freedom.
I sort of allowed myself to give up.... I can't tell for sure whether it was shame, abandonment of self, a simple desire to avoid confronting myself with the obvious or a basic matter of addiction winning but I'm glad my friend's words brought my attention to my reality. I'm glad I came here this morning to grab a link to one of the famous "Moderation" posts to share with my friend.... I'm glad that led me to check in here, I'm glad I am still seeking freedom.
Gotta die of something right? Har har har...
Fortunately for me my struggle with alcohol was still raw and I recognised that my inner addict was a tool, and never gave in, but the damn voice persisted for a while.
It grew fainter and fainter tho until it was barely a whisper, then nothing.
The voice is gone. Yours can be too Free Owl
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
