Thanks, Dee.... I agree. End of Day Two. I'm pretty tired still. And this evening I'm also deeply aware of how challenging the context is for me right now. Something to be acknowledged, not as an excuse, but as a kindness to myself and an awareness that between the struggle of this year to barely stay afloat in a new business I started, having to lay people off not once but twice, my wife being roped into a business she never really wanted to be building but now is inadvertently wound into so deeply that it's a daily source of misery for her and stress for our marriage.... children who have gone nearly a year without anything remotely close to enough social contact.... both of them doing entirely online remote schooling and doing their best but it's freaking hard... a toddler who doesn't get enough attention or interaction with other children..... two kids that go back and forth every other week to a mother who has significant unresolved trauma and personality / emotional / mental health issues.... the lasting impact of grief on all of us from having lost my kid sister / the children's aunt / my folks' emotional and psychological state as a result.... and the never-ending constant onslaught of what seems to be dozens of hours a week just trying to make technology work that's theoretically supposed to make our lives "easier"..... all in the context of being a 48 year old man who is aging faster than ever before and cut off from any real meaningful male companionship or close male support for the bulk of the last decade apart from casual acquaintances or work relationships...... honestly, you add that all up and it's truly a wonder I'm alive and haven't relapsed into far deeper addiction and / or given up on life. So.... while I don't excuse cannabis as being OK, I can look at all of that and I can be gentle on myself and at least not carry shame or self-defeatism.
Tonight my wife really had a melt down. The pressure on her is also all of the above - PLUS living with and putting up with me. So her life is a giant strain right now as well.
But, we're all relatively healthy..... we have one another.... we have a warm and loving home even if there's a lot of crying and yelling a lot of the time.... there's a lot to be grateful for.... and there's also a lot to contend with.
Day Two.... at least I made it. Bed time.