I want to tell you a story about the blessings of being cannabis-free
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I want to tell you a story about the blessings of being cannabis-free
I live in a special place, among the forests, beside a saltless sea, in a land of snowy conifers and summertime green-gold splendor shot through with rivers and streams. This is where I grew up. After traveling this world over for the better part of two decades, this is where I have settled again with my children, my wife and my dog. I have journeyed far, searching, seeking, following the call of my heart. Now my heart calls for simpler things. I'm happier in a quiet wood than in a city. I'd rather time with love and presence than 'thrills' in foreign lands. Don't get me wrong; I remain a bit of an adrenaline junkie - but at 48 years old I imbibe that in far more meager ways.
I drank from the age of 14. Had my first experiences with marijuana then, too. Sampled LSD and cocaine and opium, speed, uppers, downers. It was the 'thing to do', I thought. These were the influences that crossed my path. As a young kid from a broken home, some early childhood trauma and a sense of abandonment by my largely-absent father, they became the agents of 'comfort-by-escape' for me; from pain, from ADHD, from anger and fear. Alcohol and cannabis were the two side-by-side I could 'count on'. Whatever else I may happen to encounter, I was generally game for. Never did opioids. Always shied away from needles. I was sharp, charismatic, capable, well-supported by an emotionally-aware and deeply caring mom - who was likely the only influence that really kept me from going fully off the deep end at an early age. And thus did I manage to embark upon a journey of the life of the "high functioning alcoholic/addict". I would not admit this to myself until my 40s. By then, I'd amassed a long list of clear evidence. Experiences with the law, jail, relationship failures, constant financial chaos, shame, guilt, frustration, fear... the usual alcohol-addict stuff. Never homeless, never losing a job, I was always able to convince myself I'd simply had some bad luck and needed to work harder on moderation and control. You probably know the drill.
Along the arc of about 25 years, beginning with my first experience landing in jail due to alcohol and suffering the consequences of things like DUI's, drunken destruction of property, blacked-out hit-and-runs, divorces and the anguish caused my own family, I finally found my way to sobriety. I'll keep the how did I do it for another time, as that's not the point of this story. Suffice to say, I found myself trudging the road to happy destiny, having found AA and many other tools which I had finally taken up in earnest. I am now half a month into my eighth year of sobriety from alcohol and am so deeply grateful for that. Out of that 7+ years of sobriety, I also held nearly 6 years without cannabis. But over the past year, I'd chosen to allow that back in. I'll save the details of my struggle with that for other posts as well - but know that as of today, I am back to 8 days without cannabis. I am once again truly 'clean AND sober'. And that's where this story really begins.
In the past year, I've lost my kid sister (she was 28) to addiction and alcoholism. I started a business that lost several hundred thousand dollars and has nearly cost me and my family our future. I had health scares with my parents. I've endured the chaos of a pandemic and the context of a nation in structural decline along more lines than I care to keep track of. The house has been a wreck, I've not kept up on the bills, I've watched my credit decline and then shatter and I have seen my health go straight down the tubes. I chalked it all up to the externalities. But I own a lot of responsibility for my circumstances because through it all, I had gone from a choice to engage in 'casual moderation' to a state of near-daily to many times daily cannabis consumption. It wasn't "as bad" as alcohol, I told myself. And in some sense that's true. I never was a hurtful person on weed. I never put others in danger. I never destroyed things. Marijuana - by comparison to all the other things and certainly to alcohol, was 'innocent'. But that was all delusion. Marijuana, for an addict / alcoholic - for THIS addict / alcoholic - is just as deadly to Self. I'm glad to be seeing that now. To be returned to a clear-headed state. While only 8 days, clear-headed enough to really see the truth of where I was just a few weeks back, before I began working my way OUT of the clutches of cannabis.
I have 4 children. One of them, my eldest daughter, just recently turned 14. I'm blown away at how fast that time has gone. I am so deeply grateful that I shed myself of the awfulness of addiction to be present and loving, clear and grateful, emotionally-awake and aware and SOBER for the last 7+ years of her life. Rather than look wistfully, regretfully on those years when drugs and alcohol impaired my ability to be the Daddy I wanted to be - I look with gratitude and relief on the years I spent as the Daddy she deserves. In 4 years, she will be an adult. It will be gone in a blink.
Over the past week of clean AND sober living, I've found myself with the energy, focus, motivation and awareness to be making changes. One change was getting the family together for a family planning session. A Sunday-evening look-ahead at the week to come, with the intention of communicating, hearing everyone's wants and needs, ensuring my wife and I had a schedule we could manage and aligning the kids all to the idea of teamwork and a focus on us all helping to make our household run a bit better. Teamwork to help reduce everyone's stress, keep the house clean, the bills paid, and have time together. During that family meeting, my daughter asked for my commitment to go on a night run with her twice this week. Like her Daddy, she's been discovering the joy of running, the peaceful restorative force of nature, and the benefits of relative solitude as a regular part of life. Happily and with inner glee, I accepted her request.
Last night was our first run. We did 5 miles through snowy woods. It was quite dark because of cloud cover and the snow - though hard-packed after some warm weather - made it hard going. We ran down familiar trails across the road from our home. We ran down some backroads - gravel ribbons of manmade throughways. We visited a beaver lodge and a stream and a lake. On the way back home, perhaps the last mile out, my daughter yelled out excitedly, "DAD!!!!! LOOK!!!!! LOOK AT THE STARS!!!". We stopped and switched off our headlamps. Here where we live, out of range of any city lights, the Milky Way had appeared from the now-departed cloud cover and was set in stark relief against the great dark depth of the Great Mystery beyond. "Let's lay down on our backs and look at it!!", my daughter said. And we did. We lay there, in perfect silence.... there was Orion, the Seven Sisters, the Dippers Big and Little, the infinite billions of unnamed stars and constellations and mysteries of the beyond stared back at us. "There is the face of God, sweetheart. Whenever you feel like you're lost and need assurance, there is one place you can turn to see that there's a Greater Presence, a Great Mystery, A Higher Power. We sure are blessed", said I. "We sure are, Dad.... thanks for going running with me", said she.
These are the gifts that sobriety brings.
I promise you, the journey is worth it.
Happy clean and sober day to you. And may you find your power and your path amongst the stars.
I drank from the age of 14. Had my first experiences with marijuana then, too. Sampled LSD and cocaine and opium, speed, uppers, downers. It was the 'thing to do', I thought. These were the influences that crossed my path. As a young kid from a broken home, some early childhood trauma and a sense of abandonment by my largely-absent father, they became the agents of 'comfort-by-escape' for me; from pain, from ADHD, from anger and fear. Alcohol and cannabis were the two side-by-side I could 'count on'. Whatever else I may happen to encounter, I was generally game for. Never did opioids. Always shied away from needles. I was sharp, charismatic, capable, well-supported by an emotionally-aware and deeply caring mom - who was likely the only influence that really kept me from going fully off the deep end at an early age. And thus did I manage to embark upon a journey of the life of the "high functioning alcoholic/addict". I would not admit this to myself until my 40s. By then, I'd amassed a long list of clear evidence. Experiences with the law, jail, relationship failures, constant financial chaos, shame, guilt, frustration, fear... the usual alcohol-addict stuff. Never homeless, never losing a job, I was always able to convince myself I'd simply had some bad luck and needed to work harder on moderation and control. You probably know the drill.
Along the arc of about 25 years, beginning with my first experience landing in jail due to alcohol and suffering the consequences of things like DUI's, drunken destruction of property, blacked-out hit-and-runs, divorces and the anguish caused my own family, I finally found my way to sobriety. I'll keep the how did I do it for another time, as that's not the point of this story. Suffice to say, I found myself trudging the road to happy destiny, having found AA and many other tools which I had finally taken up in earnest. I am now half a month into my eighth year of sobriety from alcohol and am so deeply grateful for that. Out of that 7+ years of sobriety, I also held nearly 6 years without cannabis. But over the past year, I'd chosen to allow that back in. I'll save the details of my struggle with that for other posts as well - but know that as of today, I am back to 8 days without cannabis. I am once again truly 'clean AND sober'. And that's where this story really begins.
In the past year, I've lost my kid sister (she was 28) to addiction and alcoholism. I started a business that lost several hundred thousand dollars and has nearly cost me and my family our future. I had health scares with my parents. I've endured the chaos of a pandemic and the context of a nation in structural decline along more lines than I care to keep track of. The house has been a wreck, I've not kept up on the bills, I've watched my credit decline and then shatter and I have seen my health go straight down the tubes. I chalked it all up to the externalities. But I own a lot of responsibility for my circumstances because through it all, I had gone from a choice to engage in 'casual moderation' to a state of near-daily to many times daily cannabis consumption. It wasn't "as bad" as alcohol, I told myself. And in some sense that's true. I never was a hurtful person on weed. I never put others in danger. I never destroyed things. Marijuana - by comparison to all the other things and certainly to alcohol, was 'innocent'. But that was all delusion. Marijuana, for an addict / alcoholic - for THIS addict / alcoholic - is just as deadly to Self. I'm glad to be seeing that now. To be returned to a clear-headed state. While only 8 days, clear-headed enough to really see the truth of where I was just a few weeks back, before I began working my way OUT of the clutches of cannabis.
I have 4 children. One of them, my eldest daughter, just recently turned 14. I'm blown away at how fast that time has gone. I am so deeply grateful that I shed myself of the awfulness of addiction to be present and loving, clear and grateful, emotionally-awake and aware and SOBER for the last 7+ years of her life. Rather than look wistfully, regretfully on those years when drugs and alcohol impaired my ability to be the Daddy I wanted to be - I look with gratitude and relief on the years I spent as the Daddy she deserves. In 4 years, she will be an adult. It will be gone in a blink.
Over the past week of clean AND sober living, I've found myself with the energy, focus, motivation and awareness to be making changes. One change was getting the family together for a family planning session. A Sunday-evening look-ahead at the week to come, with the intention of communicating, hearing everyone's wants and needs, ensuring my wife and I had a schedule we could manage and aligning the kids all to the idea of teamwork and a focus on us all helping to make our household run a bit better. Teamwork to help reduce everyone's stress, keep the house clean, the bills paid, and have time together. During that family meeting, my daughter asked for my commitment to go on a night run with her twice this week. Like her Daddy, she's been discovering the joy of running, the peaceful restorative force of nature, and the benefits of relative solitude as a regular part of life. Happily and with inner glee, I accepted her request.
Last night was our first run. We did 5 miles through snowy woods. It was quite dark because of cloud cover and the snow - though hard-packed after some warm weather - made it hard going. We ran down familiar trails across the road from our home. We ran down some backroads - gravel ribbons of manmade throughways. We visited a beaver lodge and a stream and a lake. On the way back home, perhaps the last mile out, my daughter yelled out excitedly, "DAD!!!!! LOOK!!!!! LOOK AT THE STARS!!!". We stopped and switched off our headlamps. Here where we live, out of range of any city lights, the Milky Way had appeared from the now-departed cloud cover and was set in stark relief against the great dark depth of the Great Mystery beyond. "Let's lay down on our backs and look at it!!", my daughter said. And we did. We lay there, in perfect silence.... there was Orion, the Seven Sisters, the Dippers Big and Little, the infinite billions of unnamed stars and constellations and mysteries of the beyond stared back at us. "There is the face of God, sweetheart. Whenever you feel like you're lost and need assurance, there is one place you can turn to see that there's a Greater Presence, a Great Mystery, A Higher Power. We sure are blessed", said I. "We sure are, Dad.... thanks for going running with me", said she.
These are the gifts that sobriety brings.
I promise you, the journey is worth it.
Happy clean and sober day to you. And may you find your power and your path amongst the stars.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 754
What...a...write-up, wow. I don't get emotional easily but you had me there. This is going to make a difference for people visiting this section, I'll promise you that.
So glad to hear things are working out for you on all kinds of levels. Simply inspirational.
So glad to hear things are working out for you on all kinds of levels. Simply inspirational.
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Thanks guys!!! Much appreciated.... I'm feeling over-the-hump on the craving side. Still getting some vicious night sweats and bizarre-o dreams. But, the thoughts of cannabis are easing off and the feeling of clarity and presence and positivity is returning.
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Time to re-read this and re-connect with it.... as I wake to a New Day One.
And in so doing, I wonder if it isn't a hint at what remains to be healed in me. While on the one hand it is refreshing to have just my wife and my toddler having quiet time together...... there is also a challenge in my life related to my middle daughters going back and forth between their Mom and I each week. I'm aware of the sense of gloom that descends for me when they go back to their Mom's. It's a really unfortunate situation because they really struggle with her and her mental health issues, but there's nothing we can really do... the custody agreement is 50/50.
So I think there's more work to be done, yet again, still, over a decade later, in forgiveness and in empathy and in release of the emotions associated with that situation.
Or maybe I'm over-thinking it and I am simply over-complicating the basic fact that I made an addictive decision.
And in so doing, I wonder if it isn't a hint at what remains to be healed in me. While on the one hand it is refreshing to have just my wife and my toddler having quiet time together...... there is also a challenge in my life related to my middle daughters going back and forth between their Mom and I each week. I'm aware of the sense of gloom that descends for me when they go back to their Mom's. It's a really unfortunate situation because they really struggle with her and her mental health issues, but there's nothing we can really do... the custody agreement is 50/50.
So I think there's more work to be done, yet again, still, over a decade later, in forgiveness and in empathy and in release of the emotions associated with that situation.
Or maybe I'm over-thinking it and I am simply over-complicating the basic fact that I made an addictive decision.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Custody agreements can be reworked, especially with older kids who are able to verbalize their realities.
If it's triggering your addiction/fear/shame-cycle, it's probably worth addressing.
If it's triggering your addiction/fear/shame-cycle, it's probably worth addressing.
What I can control is my own healing, my own work on myself to move on, my own ability to work on forgiveness of their Mom....
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Originally Posted by FlyingDutchMan
Hey buddy, did you smoke some MJ again? Did I misunderstood your post, or did something happen?
Hope you are ok!
Hope you are ok!
I'm OK. I made a bad choice. I'm back, undeterred, and having had the opportunity to actively reflect on the bad choice both while doing it and in hindsight.
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I'm just gonna keep re-reading this one.
And Also, as I'm reflecting today while doing housework, I think I'm seeing a parallel between my spiritual-emotional state and the degree to which / emphasis I'm placing on social media. These are trying times - without getting political - to live in the current context and I'm feeling like there may be a connection between the emotional hijacking that can happen to me with Facebook's 'news' and my own runaway thoughts.
I don't know that it was at all consciously connected, but looking back on my mental state, the focus I was allowing news to take in my mental chatter and the way I was choosing to let that stuff take my attention was a factor I'm pretty sure.
More to work on.
And Also, as I'm reflecting today while doing housework, I think I'm seeing a parallel between my spiritual-emotional state and the degree to which / emphasis I'm placing on social media. These are trying times - without getting political - to live in the current context and I'm feeling like there may be a connection between the emotional hijacking that can happen to me with Facebook's 'news' and my own runaway thoughts.
I don't know that it was at all consciously connected, but looking back on my mental state, the focus I was allowing news to take in my mental chatter and the way I was choosing to let that stuff take my attention was a factor I'm pretty sure.
More to work on.
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Came back this morning to re-read as I walk forth into..... ANOTHER DAY ONE.
I am observing myself caught in a loop of believing I have made a decision and then un-making that decision over and over again. The niggling undertone of belief here appears to be my Addictive Voice compelling its argument that cannabis isn't "all that bad". Making excuses. Giving in.
Re-reading my own words today as a reminder of why it is so important, as a reminder of who I am, who I strive to be, how much it means.
And so, off into the New Day One I go.
I am observing myself caught in a loop of believing I have made a decision and then un-making that decision over and over again. The niggling undertone of belief here appears to be my Addictive Voice compelling its argument that cannabis isn't "all that bad". Making excuses. Giving in.
Re-reading my own words today as a reminder of why it is so important, as a reminder of who I am, who I strive to be, how much it means.
And so, off into the New Day One I go.
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl
Came back this morning to re-read as I walk forth into..... ANOTHER DAY ONE.
I am observing myself caught in a loop of believing I have made a decision and then un-making that decision over and over again. The niggling undertone of belief here appears to be my Addictive Voice compelling its argument that cannabis isn't "all that bad". Making excuses. Giving in.
I am observing myself caught in a loop of believing I have made a decision and then un-making that decision over and over again. The niggling undertone of belief here appears to be my Addictive Voice compelling its argument that cannabis isn't "all that bad". Making excuses. Giving in.
For me, the only way to get out of this loop was shutting down this debate forever.
Pot is terrible for me, it has the potential to destroy my life, and that's the end of it. There's no arguing that for me anymore, I don't even allow myself to think about it, I'm forbidden to question it. I honestly don't know exactly how I manage to do this. I guess I had my share of excuses and relapses and just pure suffering, this crazy loop, starting over so many times... I think I just had enough.
I hope you free yourself of this tiring loop, I'm here to help if I can.
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That was the way I did it too Paco.
No dialogue, no discussion, no addressing the parliament in my head
It was maybe easier for me cos I gave up drinking at the same time FreeOwl...I was able to tie the undoubted unquestionable horrors of alcohol addiction to my pot addiction in a tightly bound bundle.
The ‘not so bad’ BS from my AV had no traction.
Both were bad, both could destroy me, both set me apart from my loved ones - an invisible barrier there from both sides.
Both stopped me from being who I wanted - needed - to be.
D
No dialogue, no discussion, no addressing the parliament in my head
It was maybe easier for me cos I gave up drinking at the same time FreeOwl...I was able to tie the undoubted unquestionable horrors of alcohol addiction to my pot addiction in a tightly bound bundle.
The ‘not so bad’ BS from my AV had no traction.
Both were bad, both could destroy me, both set me apart from my loved ones - an invisible barrier there from both sides.
Both stopped me from being who I wanted - needed - to be.
D
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Sorry to read this Owl, it can be such a struggle. It reminds me so much of many many days I had myself, only I wasn't around SR at that time. I just wish you could make it stick, because you sounded so upbeat during those 10 days of sobriety. You posted so many meaningful things and touched so many on this forum in a positive way with the stuff you shared.
Would it be a good idea to analyze what happens on the moment you decide to use it again? Can we help you by thinking about coping strategies?
Take care man!
Would it be a good idea to analyze what happens on the moment you decide to use it again? Can we help you by thinking about coping strategies?
Take care man!
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thanks guys.... I'm pretty sure I know exactly what the hell I need to do. I just haven't done it.
I just need to actually, really, 100% PUT IT AWAY.
My sneaky bullsh*t AV has been keeping the door open. And I've been letting it.
It IS tiring... it's so damn tiring. And I know better. And I don't want this ridiculous treadmill.
Made it to the end of a day one and for that I'm grateful. Comes after four days in a row of deciding to consume cannabis in gummy form. Watching myself sadly really NOT even enjoy it.... question it even as I did it....
Tomorrow I will feel a little bit better, a little less tired, a little more back to myself.... a little more able to forgive my failure yet again.
Cannabis has the capacity - as with alcohol - to rob me of everything I really hold dear.
And I'm powerless over that..... but I am only powerless if I make that first choice to use it.
I'm tired. Going to bed.... I'm grateful for you both.
I just need to actually, really, 100% PUT IT AWAY.
My sneaky bullsh*t AV has been keeping the door open. And I've been letting it.
It IS tiring... it's so damn tiring. And I know better. And I don't want this ridiculous treadmill.
Made it to the end of a day one and for that I'm grateful. Comes after four days in a row of deciding to consume cannabis in gummy form. Watching myself sadly really NOT even enjoy it.... question it even as I did it....
Tomorrow I will feel a little bit better, a little less tired, a little more back to myself.... a little more able to forgive my failure yet again.
Cannabis has the capacity - as with alcohol - to rob me of everything I really hold dear.
And I'm powerless over that..... but I am only powerless if I make that first choice to use it.
I'm tired. Going to bed.... I'm grateful for you both.
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Thank you, Dee.... reflecting, I can see one of, perhaps THE biggest issue, is my AV using my own insecurity against me.
As quietly, slowly, steadily all around me, cannabis culture has infused the daily narrative - it has grown with subtle intensity. I have a lot of friends who now use casually, recreationally. I have clients who are in the business. I have friends and family in the business. I have this 'romantic' notional history of association between marijuana and some really influential people in my past and all of that combines into this subtle AV sneak attack preying on my not being 'good enough' or being 'broken' because of my own inability to live life in balance with a drug.
Which - of course - is absolutely stupid.
But I think that's maybe the single biggest influence. It's me coming unmoored from my own vision of who I am, who I want to be, what's important to me, my values.
And opening a willingness in my conscious self to accept the nonsense 'rationale' of my AV.
Here's how it goes: "Oh, why not grab some edibles. They really don't cause any harm and you can easily just have a couple now and again"
Next day: Well... heck. Head's still a little bleary from yesterday. Today's not a work day. It'll be a lot more clear with a little.....
Several hours later: "may as well have a few more....... today's shot"
Next day: 'hm. feel pretty down. kinda blew it already. Guess may as well have another to pep up a bit.
Next day: "these stupid things. Gotta just get rid of 'em. They're just trouble. Not even all that fun or enjoyable. Well.... guess I'll finish this package off so there's nothing more to tempt."
And so it goes, just like with alcohol, from a subtle nagging to a 'well, this time we'll just....." to a dependence.
Day Two, waking a bit more clear-headed and present. A night of sweats. A day of work looms....
serenity now.
As quietly, slowly, steadily all around me, cannabis culture has infused the daily narrative - it has grown with subtle intensity. I have a lot of friends who now use casually, recreationally. I have clients who are in the business. I have friends and family in the business. I have this 'romantic' notional history of association between marijuana and some really influential people in my past and all of that combines into this subtle AV sneak attack preying on my not being 'good enough' or being 'broken' because of my own inability to live life in balance with a drug.
Which - of course - is absolutely stupid.
But I think that's maybe the single biggest influence. It's me coming unmoored from my own vision of who I am, who I want to be, what's important to me, my values.
And opening a willingness in my conscious self to accept the nonsense 'rationale' of my AV.
Here's how it goes: "Oh, why not grab some edibles. They really don't cause any harm and you can easily just have a couple now and again"
Next day: Well... heck. Head's still a little bleary from yesterday. Today's not a work day. It'll be a lot more clear with a little.....
Several hours later: "may as well have a few more....... today's shot"
Next day: 'hm. feel pretty down. kinda blew it already. Guess may as well have another to pep up a bit.
Next day: "these stupid things. Gotta just get rid of 'em. They're just trouble. Not even all that fun or enjoyable. Well.... guess I'll finish this package off so there's nothing more to tempt."
And so it goes, just like with alcohol, from a subtle nagging to a 'well, this time we'll just....." to a dependence.
Day Two, waking a bit more clear-headed and present. A night of sweats. A day of work looms....
serenity now.
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