Originally Posted by
Dee74 
I think most people could draw up a list of things/reasons they want to escape from this past year FreeOwl....and man many of those reasons are valid.
I have a problem tho in that when I turn to weed or booze to escape I lose myself...and while thats disastrous for me, its just as disastrous for those who love care and depend on me.
I think to get through the world as it is now, we need to set aside the self indulgence and focus on our families and communities.
Its tough being an adult right now...but our grandparents and great grandparents did it tougher than we ever will - 12 hour days 6 days a week - bed at dusk and up at dawn. They did not break - and we belong to that gene pool.
There's a kind of rightness to living sober too - a sense of purpose and meaning - a sense of accomplishment and pride - a knowledge that 'this won't break me'.
I still prefer that to a buzz
Yes. Absolutely.
I agree 100%.
My post was more of a reflection on what brought me to this struggle, not in any way a justification.
Literally anything is more of a struggle when an addiction is active.
Case in point: This week both Monday and Tuesday were fraught with frustrations for me. Monday, I actually used a small amount because I was still so fuzzy headed from the weekend. The thought process was basically; well, I already screwed up, this will help me not feel so dull, etc. etc.... classic addictive rationalization.
Tuesday, Day One, was clearer.... but of course still lasting effects of mindhaze and everything was harder to accomplish than it ought to be. Small details confounded my processes, my focus wasn't sharp.
Even Wednesday I could still note that my mind wasn't as 'on it' and my mood wasn't centered in gratitude.
"Escape" is never really escape.... it's illusion and it makes everything worse / harder to deal with. Often in small and subtle ways, but absolutely it does impair my presence and ability to handle whatever may come my way.
For a lot of years, I suppose in some ways I 'got away with it', in the sense that I could function fairly well and not note the impact in big and obvious ways. But, the phrase 'death by a million cuts' comes to mind. How much better off would I have been, how much happier, sharper, more effective, more giving, more present, more alive might those years have been without the dulling of weed?
Today it's back to Day Three. I feel a little better. Still a little glum. Part of it is the context I described in my post.... the pressures of life are still significant. But, it's also a glumness that stems from the recognition of my silly choice to put myself through a year's worth of returning to old patterns with this substance.
Today, I will be clean AND sober and I will meet the day on life's terms.
But I'll be present for it.
Thanks, Dee.