Blogs


Notices

He went to detox

Old 06-24-2015, 07:13 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
He went to detox

So my fiancée? Ex-fiancée? I am not even sure what to call him at the moment. He called and texted me yesterday morning said he needed to talk to me. I called him back early in the afternoon and he told me that he had called for a bed at a detox place. They had one available and he had to be there at 6 PM last night. I let him leave his truck parked here and I drove him to the detox.

We talked a little bit during the ride and he asked me what I thought he should do after the detox, should he go to a sober house? I told him I thought that was probably best but they would help him figure out a plan for what comes next. He also asked me if I would come to a family meeting if they have one and I said probably yes. I'm not even sure what I want next but I do know that he would have to have at least a year of being clean and doing the right thing for me to consider working things out. To me that involves paying rent, keeping up on his truck insurance payments, and finding a career/job, etc. Basically being a responsible adult. Also, even if he does stop the drugs forever some of the behaviors are still there. Those need to be worked on. The way his mind works and some of the things he thinks, nobody can have a happy life like that.

He did at one point say that he wasn't taking complete responsibility for the relapse because of all the fighting and stress of being in a relationship with me. I told him that no matter what the circumstances around him if he chooses to use to deal with it that is 100% on him. He did agree. He also apologize for some of the things he's done and how mean he's been. I think his brain was just all over the place and he was very distraught. It will be interesting to see what comes in the next week.

I am happy he finally realized that he could not continue on the path he's been on but that does not mean that everything is okay. For now I just want to take it one day at a time and keep working on the things I need to work on as well. I need to be strong for me. I need to keep repeating that in my mind. The door is not 100% closed but it sure isn't 100% open either. I'm not sure I could really ever trust him 100% again or that I've ever want to go through another relapse. It's just too much stress for me.

I guess my mind is all over the place too. Even thinking about all this is overwhelming. I'm just going to try to have a good day today.
Melissa0067 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Melissa0067 For This Useful Post:
BlueChair (06-26-2015), CodeJob (06-26-2015), Gettngstronger1 (06-25-2015), hopeful4 (06-25-2015), JOIE12 (06-27-2015), Vale (06-26-2015)
Old 06-24-2015, 12:48 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
You just hit your own nail on the head, lady.
No matter WHAT he's going through, there's zero excuse for his turning to drugs, treating you poorly or like you're the problem, etc.
My exAH has no concept of how to take responsibility for himself, either. He continually tries to place the blame elsewhere, ignores his own mental/emotional health, & refuses to do even the littlest things to overcome his own difficulties. He's unemployed & has been for months now. Doesn't use his unemployment income for anything but himself. Etc, etc, etc.
Apparently being a responsible adult is something that many addicts equate with "hardship". To my exAH, because he's "going through" rough times (being unemployed, our marriage being on the rocks, whatever), that means he must be dealing with his issues-because it's SO HARD, right? Things being "hard" automatically equates to being responsible.
Like you, I have just decided that each & every day is an opportunity for me to have a good day. Or a good few hours. Or a good evening. Just sort of...take each day for what it is & keep on truckin'. But don't let your guard down just yet...
mnh1982 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to mnh1982 For This Useful Post:
Gettngstronger1 (06-25-2015), hopeful4 (06-25-2015), JOIE12 (06-27-2015), Melissa0067 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-25-2015, 06:08 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 67
My addict fiance often asks me "what I think he should do," it is a form of blame shifting and way to take the responsibility off himself. I don't even think he means to do it, his brain is so scrambled it's just the default.

It's been hard for me to refrain, but everything that I figure out for him he won't figure out himself.

The hardest part for me is not projecting on his recovery, all I see is the very long road ahead but all he can do is one day at a time. One of many true dilemmas of life with an addict.
Falseclaimsact is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Falseclaimsact For This Useful Post:
ella213 (06-26-2015), hopeful4 (06-25-2015), JOIE12 (06-27-2015), Melissa0067 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-25-2015, 10:01 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,355
Wow that's a good sign he chose to go himself. I think the healthiest thing both of you can do right now and take a break on ANY relationship. Focus on yourself 100% and that includes you. Getting yourself into a recovery program to figure out what you truly want for yourself before you try and figure what you want out of being a couple.
Refiner is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Refiner For This Useful Post:
Carlotta (06-27-2015), hopeful4 (06-25-2015), JOIE12 (06-27-2015), Melissa0067 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 06:52 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
So he called me yesterday at work, he's getting out Sunday. No mention of a family meeting. It makes me so mad that because of insurance they let them out so fast. What can really be accomplished in a couple of days? Maybe you're physically detoxed but what about mentally and all the reasons behind it? It's no wonder they end up back in detox time and time again. I hope he follows through on recovery and doesn't try to be the tough guy who can handle it on his own when he gets out.

As for me, cooking and baking is a hobby and a passion in life for me. I have been looking into classes to take, granted they are all around $75 a piece, which sucks but I need to do it. I am trying to find my joy in life. This is something that I've wanted to do for a few years so I am going to force myself to start going and doing things like this. That is part of how I will focus on myself. I have a client that's interested in going with me so that should be fun. There's a pizza class that I'd really like to take, a Chinese cooking one and I'd like to find a cake decorating one.

I have to keep. Yield from wanting to do things and fix things for him. I'm some more to take what clothes are in his truck and wash them for him so that when he gets out he will have some clean clothing to wear. I want too get his inspection sticker done because he blew it off and forgot about it when he was on the streets and it's overdue. You have to get it within 7 days of registering a car. I want to put minutes in his phone so he will have a way to communicate when he is out. I want to make a plan for him so he will not go right back to how he was living lately.

It will take all my might not to do these things. In my head I keep saying that if he has some positive things when he gets out it will help him go in the right direction, I need too stop that. I'm not sure anymore what's enabling and what's supportive. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. What would you do?
Melissa0067 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Melissa0067 For This Useful Post:
BlueChair (06-26-2015), JOIE12 (06-27-2015), mnh1982 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 09:22 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
auroraxborealis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
When y X went to treatment, his sister and I split his clothes to wash, so BTDT. He was in treatment, not just out of detox though, if that makes a difference. He needed clothes to wear while there, since he was fresh out of jail with only what he wore when taken into custody.

After a couple weeks we found the quilt I made him. He thought it ws lost, but his baby sister found it at their mom's house. I was going to take it home and wash it so he could have it in treatment, but that was the day I found his FB saying he was in a relationship with someone else. I handed the blanket to his sister and said, I can't. I skipped going to the fair with her and her family, and went home instead. I was a wreck.

Not sure why I wrote all that. But yes, I have done the laundry thing. I have paid for his phone before, with the idea that he will call me if he needs to, but in reality, he probably just used it to contact his dealers (I didn't know he was even using, though).

I had the same thinking--It would be nice for him to have nice things, so he can see how nice it could be. But that's me thinking about what I would feel in his shoes, when honestly I have no idea what HE's thinking.
auroraxborealis is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to auroraxborealis For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-27-2015), Melissa0067 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 10:55 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,355
Originally Posted by Melissa0067 View Post
It makes me so mad that because of insurance they let them out so fast.

I'm some more to take what clothes are in his truck and wash them for him so that when he gets out he will have some clean clothing to wear. I want too get his inspection sticker done because he blew it off and forgot about it when he was on the streets and it's overdue. You have to get it within 7 days of registering a car. I want to put minutes in his phone so he will have a way to communicate when he is out. I want to make a plan for him so he will not go right back to how he was living lately.

What would you do?
Al-Anon is FREE. He was a homeless drunk when you bet him in '11. Seems like stuff is just getting worse and worse. I wouldn't do a thing for him. He's got to be the one to figure it our for himself. I would let him go for now.
Refiner is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Refiner For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-27-2015), WiseOwl (06-28-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 11:39 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by Melissa0067 View Post
So he called me yesterday at work, he's getting out Sunday. No mention of a family meeting. It makes me so mad that because of insurance they let them out so fast. What can really be accomplished in a couple of days? Maybe you're physically detoxed but what about mentally and all the reasons behind it? It's no wonder they end up back in detox time and time again. I hope he follows through on recovery and doesn't try to be the tough guy who can handle it on his own when he gets out.

As for me, cooking and baking is a hobby and a passion in life for me. I have been looking into classes to take, granted they are all around $75 a piece, which sucks but I need to do it. I am trying to find my joy in life. This is something that I've wanted to do for a few years so I am going to force myself to start going and doing things like this. That is part of how I will focus on myself. I have a client that's interested in going with me so that should be fun. There's a pizza class that I'd really like to take, a Chinese cooking one and I'd like to find a cake decorating one.

I have to keep. Yield from wanting to do things and fix things for him. I'm some more to take what clothes are in his truck and wash them for him so that when he gets out he will have some clean clothing to wear. I want too get his inspection sticker done because he blew it off and forgot about it when he was on the streets and it's overdue. You have to get it within 7 days of registering a car. I want to put minutes in his phone so he will have a way to communicate when he is out. I want to make a plan for him so he will not go right back to how he was living lately.

It will take all my might not to do these things. In my head I keep saying that if he has some positive things when he gets out it will help him go in the right direction, I need too stop that. I'm not sure anymore what's enabling and what's supportive. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. What would you do?
Melissa,

Yeah one of my friends husbands went to detox and they moved him through quickly too. I hope they offer him some options for aftercare.

I LOVE your ideas to take some cooking classes, and spend time trying new things, socializing. When my husband was away in rehab I started doing crafts, even made a Capiz shell chandelier. Spent time with family and my friends were awesome at helping me keep busy. I like your plan.

You asked about enabling. What Ive learned is there are lots of different opinions, so its really something you must consider within the bounds of your specific relationship, and what feels right to you.

I like this article, maybe it will be helpful to you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-enabling.html

Over at Smart Recovery there is an idea of using:

Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable, Timely

So if he asks again what should he do maybe suggesting he break things down into small Goals using the above ideas would help promote change, while eliminating the feeling of change being so overwhelming.

And you can also use this in terms of helping also. If you see him progressing,then its always ok to lend a hand up if you want, but also in a measured manner so you can see how it is received, and if the progression continues. This leans to support and not enabling.

If you ever want to talk cooking, and especially baking, pm me. yum!
BlueChair is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to BlueChair For This Useful Post:
Melissa0067 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 12:20 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I have spent, including the money my parents gave us that was meant to be used to put a down payment n a house, over $10,000 on exAH. And we've only been married for TWO YEARS.

He has taken cash from my purse. He has taken my debit card and used it to try & withdraw money for himself. He has taken gift cards with the BABY'S name on them, spent them & lied about it.

It makes me livid to think where my son & I could be with all that money if I hadn't wasted money on exAH, thinking that it would prove to him that I loved him & wanted to do anything in my power to help him. Exactly like you & others, I felt that he had never had anything "nice" in his life & that he deserved to have nice, expensive things because maybe it would show him how good his life could be if he could just stay clean & not be a dick.

The fundamental flaw there is that your addict, very likely, has NOT gone without as much as he/she says. My exAH constantly talks about being homeless, living out of his car, etc, but he has ALWAYS, always had the option of staying at his dad's house, where there are showers, TV, plenty of food...he chooses to be homeless because to live anywhere else would mean living by someone else's rules, & he can't stand that. He is currently choosing to live out of his car because I kicked him out for good.

Choices.

A person who wants to be a Real Boy will make a concerted & visible effort to choose what's right, even though it isn't convenient or 100% comfortable for them. My exAH will not make even the slightest step toward that.

I have had to learn that any amount of financial or material support is enabling. Even so much as giving him $5 for gas or inviting him over because he wants to see the baby. It all gives him a way back into our lives and once back, he knows full well he is able to emotionally manipulate me.

And I know it too.

Because he is obviously NOT going to change his behavior, it is up to me to change mine.

I no longer pay for anything of his. Just like you, Melissa, I kicked his arse off the car insurance & will not help him with a cell phone or anything else anymore.

It's my goal to save enough $$$ to take my son to Hawaii next year.

Next month, I will be spending a whopping $65 on race registration for my third full marathon...all 26.2 miles of it. ExAH used to tell me that paying for running races was "stupid" because "you don't get anything out of it".

Find something you want to accomplish & realise that the pride, new people you'll meet, & reaching your goals are worth every penny.

Stop spending not only your paper dollars, but your emotional & mental ones on someone who takes them for granted!

Proud of all of you for taking those steps! And for being Real Boys where your addicts cannot.
mnh1982 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to mnh1982 For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-27-2015), Melissa0067 (06-26-2015), WiseOwl (06-28-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 12:48 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
Al-Anon is FREE. He was a homeless drunk when you bet him in '11. Seems like stuff is just getting worse and worse. I wouldn't do a thing for him. He's got to be the one to figure it our for himself. I would let him go for now.
Refiner, let me clear this up for you now. This isn't the same guy. I,left that one behind when I untangled myself from the legal disaster, and never looked back. I never would.
Melissa0067 is offline  
Old 06-26-2015, 01:01 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
I want to say this, he has never taken anything from me. He has not stolen any money from me, taken anything I owned to pawn, and I have never given him any money. He has made his own way for the 2 years of our relationship. He saved every penny to buy his truck. When he has extra money on any given month he would give me extra for bills and household items. That much I am thankful for and makes me believe he wants to stay clean and live a normal life.

He unfortunately has no family. His grandparents were his parents, they are both dead. He never knew his dad, he left when mom was pregnant with him, and when he went looking for him at 18, he was dead. His only sibling, a brother, is a schizophrenic and lives in a group home. His mom had mental problems and lived in a group home. Very nice woman, she died last February.. I can't even imagine what that is like, to have no family to lean on. My family is his only family now.

When he called today he was with his counselor discussing an aftercare plan, I hope they come up with something solid. I am not ready to write him off right now but I'm not ready to be with him. We both have work to do, albeit him more than me. one step at a time in the relationship department. He has to put himself first, I told him as much.
Melissa0067 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Melissa0067 For This Useful Post:
BlueChair (06-26-2015), mnh1982 (06-26-2015)
Old 06-26-2015, 01:56 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
That's the kicker. He can't give "extra" love or attention to someone else when he doesn't have enough for himself.
Fighting that battle with my exAH too, but trying not to pity him for not having self-esteem or confidence...that's a dangerous thing to do...leaves me open to giving in to helping him...
mnh1982 is offline  
Old 06-26-2015, 05:44 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
That is the thing. They don't love themselves. He doesn't think he has low self esteem but I see it in him.

He just called. He's getting out Sunday at 11:30. They are setting him up with a counselor and a meeting to go to but letting him go with no place to live. That part doesn't make sense to me. How can someone be homeless and want to stay clean? I don't think I could do that.

This is where my problem lies because I so want to tell him to come stay in spare room. I have a hard time letting anyone, never mind someone that's trying, live on the streets. I don't know what's going to happen Sunday. I might have to go with my gut and let him stay here in spare room. I want to support him. Not drive him back down into the ground. I have to think about this from now until then. Maybe just until he saves enough money to get back into a sober home. A couple weeks or whatever.

Paying for the races, you do get something out of it. A lot actually. Good health, a sense of accomplishment, doing something that makes you happy. That's ridiculous. He's probbaly jealous of you doing those things and that's why he puts them down.
Melissa0067 is offline  
Old 06-27-2015, 10:40 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
hon, he was homeless when you met. for all YOUR heroic efforts to SAVE him, to CHANGE his life, he returns to his normal. who he was before you met.

i'm not sure how a homeless, unemployed, abusive addict rates as a FIANCEE. someone you would want to marry and tie yourself to legally and all that.

when people show us who the are, BELEIVE them. if I recall, this isn't your first rodeo with this type of individual.

maybe the change that needs to happen is with YOU?
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-27-2015), SuzyMarie (06-29-2015), WiseOwl (06-28-2015)
Old 06-27-2015, 12:10 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
hon, he was homeless when you met. for all YOUR heroic efforts to SAVE him, to CHANGE his life, he returns to his normal. who he was before you met.

i'm not sure how a homeless, unemployed, abusive addict rates as a FIANCEE. someone you would want to marry and tie yourself to legally and all that.

when people show us who the are, BELEIVE them. if I recall, this isn't your first rodeo with this type of individual.

maybe the change that needs to happen is with YOU?

Where are you getting the idea that he was homeless when we met? And unemployed? Or abusive for that matter?

He was not homeless when we met. Not sure how that came into play.

He's on disability due to the back surgery that started his mess with pills and he works part time doing side jobs, home improvement type stuff. He does need to find something he can do full time that is not physical labor.

He might want to blame shift but I wouldn't call him abusive. He was mean a few times when he was high. I would by no means call him abusive.

I wouldn't compare him to that other guy from 4 yrs ago. That guy was a serious alcoholic that liked to smoke crack every now and again when drunk.
Melissa0067 is offline  
Old 06-27-2015, 01:44 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9,713
It sounds like you are a kind, generous person, but it would be very easy to slip
back into an enabling / caretaking role in this situation way too easily.

He really should be "in charge" of his own recovery and becoming independent after rehab, don't you think?
Hawkeye13 is online now  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hawkeye13 For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-28-2015), WiseOwl (06-28-2015)
Old 06-27-2015, 02:13 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
my apologies, I read your back story and didn't realize the date.
so he wasn't homeless when you MET but he is NOW? I guess the point still remains that past bf and current bf have a lot more in common.

detox is just that. a 3 or so day micro-space for one to get the booze/drugs out of their system. many rehabs require that patients detox FIRST and that it be done so in a medically supervised setting. sadly for a lot of addicts, detox becomes part of their overall using cycle.
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-28-2015), WiseOwl (06-28-2015)
Old 06-27-2015, 02:15 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
It sounds like you are a kind, generous person, but it would be very easy to slip
back into an enabling / caretaking role in this situation way too easily.

He really should be "in charge" of his own recovery and becoming independent after rehab, don't you think?
Hawkeye... I do agree, but at the same time he does not get his check until the first and they are letting him out on a Sunday with nowhere to go. I don't think that is right. He does have to be down the cape to work Mon/Tuesday and could possibly stay with that person for longer. And I think he has work lined up for July/August. So I was thinking if he stayed here one night, Sunday, the he could have time and money to get things in order, look for a sober house, etc. I can't see how going back to sleeping in his truck the first night is helpful to someone trying to do the right thing. Maybe I'm wrong.
Melissa0067 is offline  
Old 06-27-2015, 02:31 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9,713
Well, it sets a "precedent" of him staying there which may not be the most helpful for him realizing that he needs to get and keep it together himself.

Hitting bottom is different for everyone, but I truly think that addicts often
need to really get consequences for their addiction before they internally make a change.

One night in a truck won't be on the street and it will really motivate him
to get moving on the Sober House.

Staying with you makes it very tempting for him (and you) to extend the stay and he may find it so much nicer he may be demotivated to get out on his own.

With a check coming and a place to stay, I also think it may be tempting to spend the money on something other than housing.

Wishing both of you the best--of course--but I've read so many stories of relapse when the addict gets "rescued" right out of detox instead of figuring it out for themselves--
Hawkeye13 is online now  
The Following User Says Thank You to Hawkeye13 For This Useful Post:
JOIE12 (06-28-2015)
Old 06-27-2015, 02:54 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Stoughton, MA
Posts: 44
You're probably right. I just realized he has an appointment with the counselor that the detox set him up with here in town Tuesday morning, so he probably won't leave for the cape until after that.

I don't think I would let it go too far because honestly I am enjoying the peace of living alone again., and by the time the check comes Wednesday he would definitely be like a hour away and it would be easier to say no to coming back to my place. I am mulling all of this over in my head and trying to make sure I make the best decision for both him and of course and foremost myself.

I don't even know that he would want to stay here. He might not. He has not asked to. Nor have I offered. We only get to talk for like 8 minutes a day right now, it goes by quickly. I'll be curious to see what happens when he gets out tomorrow.

I thank you for your words. I am definitely listening to everything you say and it's making me think more.
Melissa0067 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:22 PM.