I have spent, including the money my parents gave us that was meant to be used to put a down payment n a house, over $10,000 on exAH. And we've only been married for TWO YEARS.
He has taken cash from my purse. He has taken my debit card and used it to try & withdraw money for himself. He has taken gift cards with the BABY'S name on them, spent them & lied about it.
It makes me livid to think where my son & I could be with all that money if I hadn't wasted money on exAH, thinking that it would prove to him that I loved him & wanted to do anything in my power to help him. Exactly like you & others, I felt that he had never had anything "nice" in his life & that he deserved to have nice, expensive things because maybe it would show him how good his life could be if he could just stay clean & not be a dick.
The fundamental flaw there is that your addict, very likely, has NOT gone without as much as he/she says. My exAH constantly talks about being homeless, living out of his car, etc, but he has ALWAYS, always had the option of staying at his dad's house, where there are showers, TV, plenty of food...he chooses to be homeless because to live anywhere else would mean living by someone else's rules, & he can't stand that. He is currently choosing to live out of his car because I kicked him out for good.
Choices.
A person who wants to be a Real Boy will make a concerted & visible effort to choose what's right, even though it isn't convenient or 100% comfortable for them. My exAH will not make even the slightest step toward that.
I have had to learn that any amount of financial or material support is enabling. Even so much as giving him $5 for gas or inviting him over because he wants to see the baby. It all gives him a way back into our lives and once back, he knows full well he is able to emotionally manipulate me.
And I know it too.
Because he is obviously NOT going to change his behavior, it is up to me to change mine.
I no longer pay for anything of his. Just like you, Melissa, I kicked his arse off the car insurance & will not help him with a cell phone or anything else anymore.
It's my goal to save enough $$$ to take my son to Hawaii next year.
Next month, I will be spending a whopping $65 on race registration for my third full marathon...all 26.2 miles of it. ExAH used to tell me that paying for running races was "stupid" because "you don't get anything out of it".
Find something you want to accomplish & realise that the pride, new people you'll meet, & reaching your goals are worth every penny.
Stop spending not only your paper dollars, but your emotional & mental ones on someone who takes them for granted!
Proud of all of you for taking those steps! And for being Real Boys where your addicts cannot.