Need advice

Old 09-28-2014, 11:21 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Unhappy Need advice

Hi, I just finished writing my AH an email. He's suddenly in nice mode the last few days. Wants to stay in contact, loves and misses me and the boys... Claims he went to an NA meeting but has said nothing about it since, says he's looking into therapy... I would like to believe this, but have truthfully seen no real changes in his life or behavior. He keeps telling me "if you just want me to stop calling and texting, just say so." I told him that I didn't know, because of the above reasons. So anyway, here's what I wrote, I haven't sent it yet. Opinions? Advice please? I'm struggling here, I actually do better when I don't talk to him, yet I've still not quite given up hope. We had over 20 years together, and most of them were pretty good. It's so hard to just let it all go!!!

* I've been thinking a lot lately about us. I have written you a hundred emails in my head, they have gone from kind, to angry, to just sad.... I don't know. I've been trying to do a lot of work on myself and leave you to make your own choices. I don't want you to feel abandoned, or like I don't care, because I do. The truth is though, I can't fix things for you. I miss the good times, I miss my friend so much. When the boys do something, or we're just hanging out, there's a space there. An emptiness you used to fill. But there's also more peace in my life, and I can sleep nights now. You have never been easy, but I always felt like you were worth it. I truly think you have a good heart, I truly believe you love me and your kids. I also truly believe that you're an addict, and until you get some help the person I'm missing so much is gone.

* I can see glimpses of him sometimes, and they make me ache. I want so badly to believe that if we just kept talking things could somehow get better. But I don't. I can't live with the drugs or the drinking in your life. I can't watch you spiraling down anymore, then struggling so hard to pick yourself up. It breaks my heart. Also the boys and I have to take that ride with you, and it hurts us too. This past year, especially since we separated, you have said some of the cruelest things to me. I never know what kind of a call or text I'll be receiving. Who's on the line this time, the man who loves and misses me, or the angry, aggressive man who attacks and threatens? *I don't know how to respond anymore and it hurts me. When you ask me if I want to do something next year, I want to say yes! I want to do that with you, but I don't know who's going to be there then, I don't even know who I'm going to be dealing with tomorrow.

* I am certainly not perfect. I was not the perfect wife, I did my best, and I'm sorry for anything I did to hurt you. I think we both tried pretty hard, and again, I think we love each other. We have spent over half our lives together, and this is so sad. I can only see the situation through my eyes, but to me, nothing seems to have changed. We're not there anymore, yet you still seem to be doing the same things. You're not giving us any money, but you don't have any. Are you truly happy? You say you're not using drugs, you're only drinking a little. You say you're alone most of the time. I don't know what to believe. We don't depend on you anymore because we never know for sure if you're going to be able to follow through with things. I'm sorry, I'm trying not to turn this into a list of accusations, I'm really just trying to tell you how I feel, and how things look through my eyes. I don't want to hurt you, but I will do my best to protect myself and our boys from the instability I see in you right now.

* The truth is, while I do love you, I won't live with active addiction anymore. That, to me, includes drinking. You are a wonderful person, when you're sober. That has to be up to you, if you like you're life the way it is, then I can only wish you happiness. It is my dearest wish that you find joy and peace in your life, and I would love to be a part of that. I can't, I won't, be around you when you are still drinking or using.*
* *
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Old 09-28-2014, 11:29 AM
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I'm sorry you had to write this. Truly heartbreaking.
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Old 09-28-2014, 02:11 PM
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He's suddenly in nice mode the last few days.
And then, before you know it, he'll be threatening to ruin you and your family financially again.

I don't really have any advice, CW. At least nothing that others here haven't already shared. All I'll tell you is when you deal with him, you need to deal with him based on what you know and not what you feel in your heart.

Be safe.
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Old 09-28-2014, 02:21 PM
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I sure feel for you, Calmwater
My mate blew through here last week and wanted to have lunch. I had not seen him for almost 6 months. Lunch was okay. I felt so sorry for him. We had breakfast again last Sunday. He reminded me of a cantankerous client I have. Never asked me how I was or any questions about my life. Complained that he had thrown his neck and back out.

I offered to go there this weekend and do the yards for him with his back being bad.

I got there Friday night after work, and he was already inebriated. He had already done the back yard. We went out to lunch yesterday after doing some other yardwork. He wouldn't let me do the front yard, and barely said 20 words to me all weekend. Of course, he was drinking the whole weekend, as usual.

I left to come home this morning as early as possible.

I wouldn't know what to do in your case. I think your situation is harder than mine. At least my mate isn't pretending to sober up.

Good luck to you!
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Old 09-28-2014, 08:16 PM
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Great and heartbreaking email CW. I am wishing the best for you my friend.
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Old 09-28-2014, 10:48 PM
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Thank you for the responses. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't accept the lifestyle he is choosing, and yet leave the door cracked. I know, both in my heart, and in my head, that things are most likely over. When he calls I do still sometimes pick up, but I don't call him. I don't reach out anymore and it's driving him crazy. (ok, I can't take credit for the crazy part, I think he did that on his own!) (Sorry, I have kind of a warped sense of humor, and sometimes it's laugh or cry.) The ups and downs, the unstable behavior, I don't want to be around it anymore.

I am being careful, and doing all I can to keep everyone safe. Thank you Zoso for your honesty. I imagine it's frustraiting sometimes to hear all of us trying to work our way through this mess, and it usually seems to end in tears, either way. There's no easy way out of addiction, both for the addicts and the people who love them. I was trying, with this email, to let him know my line in the sand. I'm done pretending things are normal, which is what he seems to be trying to do. Yet, I didn't want to be cruel. I hope that's what comes across, not that it matters, really. I don't know what he'll take from it, things I try to tell him don't seem to register half the time. It's like we're speaking different languages.

He doesn't seem to realize that the things he does and says are damaging beyond repair. I think I wrote it more for me, and also, I guess, hoping that maybe if he has something in black and white, he might actually HEAR me. He asked me today if I was seeing someone else. It's like he can't actually believe I could be ready to do this on my own.

I just wanted to see if you guys thought it was fair, and not manipulative? Again, I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to know that I'm serious. It doesn't matter how much I care about him, I won't be with someone who chooses drinking and drugs over his family.

Thank you Raider and Eauchiche, and thank you Mejo, I can use all the friends I can get right now.
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Old 09-28-2014, 11:03 PM
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Calmwater, pray for him to be happy joyous and free, and rrally mean it. God can do that for you. Helps me.
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Old 09-29-2014, 12:01 AM
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Hello Calmwater,

Nothing you’re contemplating appears to be cruel or mean in any way; you’re just trying to make the best choices for you and your family. In fact it seems that you have gone out of your way to be as sensitive and as kind as possible considering the unhappiness his addiction has caused.

I used the following quote in a similar thread earlier today and I thought it might be helpful to add it here as well. This is the best relationship advice I was ever given; I even copied it into my journal and I still go back and re-read it every once in a while.

"The very measure of a good relationship is in how much it encourages optimal, intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth. So, if a relationship becomes destructive, endangers our human dignity, prevents us from growing, continually depresses and demoralizes us...and we have done everything we can to prevent its failure... Then, unless we are masochists and enjoy misery, we must eventually terminate it."

~ Author Unknown ~

I don’t disagree with leaving the door cracked; however I suggest that you have a security chain in place just in case things go south again.
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Old 09-29-2014, 12:25 AM
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I think its very good Calmwater....

I don't think any of it needs to be revised. I think its supportive, and shows belief in him, while clearly expressing your honest feelings and desire to shelter your children.

I was reading this post a bit ago.. it might be helpful to you. But again, I like what you wrote, if your happy with it, Id press "send".
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Old 09-29-2014, 12:42 PM
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Ok, terrible night. Son 1 and Son 2 went to an anime convention in Anchorage over the weekend. We used to go every year, and they really wanted to catch up and hang out with their friends they grew up with. It's a long way from where we live now, but they're 17 & 18, and they worked to earn the money for their own tickets. ( Son 3 was really bummed he couldn't go, but he's just not old enough) Anyway, call comes in the middle of the night, shortly before they're supposed to get on a plane, S1 is having chest pains and trouble breathing. Now he is prone to panic attacks, he has a disorder on the autistic spectrum, thankfully mild, and I was pretty sure that's what was going on, but.... I'm literally thousands of miles away. Long story short, friends get S2 to the airport, and S1 to hospital. S2 is here, S1 is still in AK. He has fluid around the cartilage in his ribcage, they put him on prednisone. I have an autoimmune disorder, and we've been trying to figure out what's going on with his health for a couple years now. They think autoimmune with him too, but nothing specific shows up on tests.

I've been up since about 1:30 this morning and I now have to figure out how to get S1 home. Ah said, when I called him," Oh so he's ok. Let me know if I can do anything to help." and when I said we needed to get him home "oh that's easy." Wow, thanks. Want to throw some money in, since it's so easy? I also thought I heard another voice in the background right before he hung up. He later sent me a text saying how tired he was of getting up alone. I am feeling neither kind nor sensitive today. The putz.

I'm waiting for S1 to call me today so we can figure out a game plan. He's at one of his friend's aunt's house sleeping for a little while. I'm hoping, if he takes in his hospital paperwork, they will get him on another flight, with just a fee. Otherwise, I'll have to pay for a new ticket.

Does it ever get easier? Sometimes I feel like I'm bailing a leaky boat with my bare hands.

Thank you, thank you for your kind responses. I do pray for him Paulh. That post was really helpful, allforcnm, and I loved the quote Alaskachick. I also keep going back to one I read on here about the soul dying while you lived with someone who constantly lied to you, that one really resonated too.

Oh I also wanted to thank you for sharing your story too, Eauchiche. It's so hard to watch them do things like that! Best of luck to you as well.
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Old 09-29-2014, 12:58 PM
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I hope your son is feeling better and you get him home very soon!
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Old 09-29-2014, 03:11 PM
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Sending prayers that you will be able to get S1 home soon and safetly at a minimum cost.
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