Need advice
Hi, I just finished writing my AH an email. He's suddenly in nice mode the last few days. Wants to stay in contact, loves and misses me and the boys... Claims he went to an NA meeting but has said nothing about it since, says he's looking into therapy... I would like to believe this, but have truthfully seen no real changes in his life or behavior. He keeps telling me "if you just want me to stop calling and texting, just say so." I told him that I didn't know, because of the above reasons. So anyway, here's what I wrote, I haven't sent it yet. Opinions? Advice please? I'm struggling here, I actually do better when I don't talk to him, yet I've still not quite given up hope. We had over 20 years together, and most of them were pretty good. It's so hard to just let it all go!!!
Hi.*
* I've been thinking a lot lately about us. I have written you a hundred emails in my head, they have gone from kind, to angry, to just sad.... I don't know. I've been trying to do a lot of work on myself and leave you to make your own choices. I don't want you to feel abandoned, or like I don't care, because I do. The truth is though, I can't fix things for you. I miss the good times, I miss my friend so much. When the boys do something, or we're just hanging out, there's a space there. An emptiness you used to fill. But there's also more peace in my life, and I can sleep nights now. You have never been easy, but I always felt like you were worth it. I truly think you have a good heart, I truly believe you love me and your kids. I also truly believe that you're an addict, and until you get some help the person I'm missing so much is gone.
* I can see glimpses of him sometimes, and they make me ache. I want so badly to believe that if we just kept talking things could somehow get better. But I don't. I can't live with the drugs or the drinking in your life. I can't watch you spiraling down anymore, then struggling so hard to pick yourself up. It breaks my heart. Also the boys and I have to take that ride with you, and it hurts us too. This past year, especially since we separated, you have said some of the cruelest things to me. I never know what kind of a call or text I'll be receiving. Who's on the line this time, the man who loves and misses me, or the angry, aggressive man who attacks and threatens? *I don't know how to respond anymore and it hurts me. When you ask me if I want to do something next year, I want to say yes! I want to do that with you, but I don't know who's going to be there then, I don't even know who I'm going to be dealing with tomorrow.
* I am certainly not perfect. I was not the perfect wife, I did my best, and I'm sorry for anything I did to hurt you. I think we both tried pretty hard, and again, I think we love each other. We have spent over half our lives together, and this is so sad. I can only see the situation through my eyes, but to me, nothing seems to have changed. We're not there anymore, yet you still seem to be doing the same things. You're not giving us any money, but you don't have any. Are you truly happy? You say you're not using drugs, you're only drinking a little. You say you're alone most of the time. I don't know what to believe. We don't depend on you anymore because we never know for sure if you're going to be able to follow through with things. I'm sorry, I'm trying not to turn this into a list of accusations, I'm really just trying to tell you how I feel, and how things look through my eyes. I don't want to hurt you, but I will do my best to protect myself and our boys from the instability I see in you right now.
* The truth is, while I do love you, I won't live with active addiction anymore. That, to me, includes drinking. You are a wonderful person, when you're sober. That has to be up to you, if you like you're life the way it is, then I can only wish you happiness. It is my dearest wish that you find joy and peace in your life, and I would love to be a part of that. I can't, I won't, be around you when you are still drinking or using.*
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