Newbie..dry drunk husband
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: West Edmeston
Posts: 2
Newbie..dry drunk husband
Hi I'm grateful for this site and hope I can find support and strength from others without judgement.
I'm actually 23 years sober and have a solid program for my own addictions. I was in AlAnon for 3 years prior to my sobriety and it got me in the back door of AA/NA.
I've been married a year to my husband, and realized he's dry drunk addict, who stopped going to AA/NA meetings. He had a slip four months ago using some K2. I found out from someone else and when he knew I had, he told me about it. The lies and dishonesty have really hurt the trust I had in our marriage. I don't believe what he says anymore.
I'm going to Al-Anon and trying to keep the focus on changing my reality and my life and letting him and his issues go. He's got a problem managing his anger and gets angry with other people, especially when things didn't go his way. He had told me before we were married that he would never take his anger out on me this way because of my history of this with my father and my exhusband's verbal abuse.
However, the past three weeks have been hell because he was mandated into a rehab program due to legal issues and has been tantrumming in anger since. Recently, he was suspended from the program because of his angry refusal to participate acceptably. He has targeted me with verbal abuse when I suggest looking into mental health for help and reminding him of the dire consequences of not completing the program. The verbal abuse is unacceptable and I can't even speak to him of my feelings or anything about our relationship anymore for fear of being verbally attacked.
I know I can't change him...He doesn't accept he's an addict and that's his. it's his path and he's going to find his bottom or not when he's ready. I'm just getting to the point where my sobriety is at risk because I can't handle the tirades anymore. Nothing physical as far as the abuse but I know what the chances are of this escalating.
I know in AlAnon, we don't make any sudden changes or decisions but at what point do you say it's something that must be done when sobriety and safety are at risk? I'm going to my meetings and taking care of me.
Thanks for any input..it's appreciated.
I'm actually 23 years sober and have a solid program for my own addictions. I was in AlAnon for 3 years prior to my sobriety and it got me in the back door of AA/NA.
I've been married a year to my husband, and realized he's dry drunk addict, who stopped going to AA/NA meetings. He had a slip four months ago using some K2. I found out from someone else and when he knew I had, he told me about it. The lies and dishonesty have really hurt the trust I had in our marriage. I don't believe what he says anymore.
I'm going to Al-Anon and trying to keep the focus on changing my reality and my life and letting him and his issues go. He's got a problem managing his anger and gets angry with other people, especially when things didn't go his way. He had told me before we were married that he would never take his anger out on me this way because of my history of this with my father and my exhusband's verbal abuse.
However, the past three weeks have been hell because he was mandated into a rehab program due to legal issues and has been tantrumming in anger since. Recently, he was suspended from the program because of his angry refusal to participate acceptably. He has targeted me with verbal abuse when I suggest looking into mental health for help and reminding him of the dire consequences of not completing the program. The verbal abuse is unacceptable and I can't even speak to him of my feelings or anything about our relationship anymore for fear of being verbally attacked.
I know I can't change him...He doesn't accept he's an addict and that's his. it's his path and he's going to find his bottom or not when he's ready. I'm just getting to the point where my sobriety is at risk because I can't handle the tirades anymore. Nothing physical as far as the abuse but I know what the chances are of this escalating.
I know in AlAnon, we don't make any sudden changes or decisions but at what point do you say it's something that must be done when sobriety and safety are at risk? I'm going to my meetings and taking care of me.
Thanks for any input..it's appreciated.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Odatgrl,
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really good place, and my hope is you'll allow us to give you the support you'll need as you go through this difficult time.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of things I'd like to share.
Yes, it is unacceptable. So the issue becomes how are you going to enforce this boundary and protect yourself. Mind you, you are under no obligation to stay under the same roof with someone who's using you as an emotional punching bag.
Even though you've been sober 23 years, you're self aware enough to recognize that you need to guard your sobriety diligently. If your present situation with you AH is compromising you, then I encourage you to consider removing yourself from your current situation. The only thing you can control is you, your choices, and your responses to things that happen to you and around you. Based on that, any and all options should be on your table.
You will see that we have recovering addicts and alcoholics as members. When they pipe up, and they will, pay close attention to what they share with you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a really good place, and my hope is you'll allow us to give you the support you'll need as you go through this difficult time.
Others will be by to greet you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of things I'd like to share.
He has targeted me with verbal abuse when I suggest looking into mental health for help and reminding him of the dire consequences of not completing the program. The verbal abuse is unacceptable and I can't even speak to him of my feelings or anything about our relationship anymore for fear of being verbally attacked.
Even though you've been sober 23 years, you're self aware enough to recognize that you need to guard your sobriety diligently. If your present situation with you AH is compromising you, then I encourage you to consider removing yourself from your current situation. The only thing you can control is you, your choices, and your responses to things that happen to you and around you. Based on that, any and all options should be on your table.
You will see that we have recovering addicts and alcoholics as members. When they pipe up, and they will, pay close attention to what they share with you.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If I felt my safety was at risk, that would be a deal breaker. Emotional or verbal abuse morphs into physical abuse. Once it starts, there's no stopping it.
I have left three abusive men. I feel you. Don't wait around.
I have left three abusive men. I feel you. Don't wait around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
that caveat to not make any sudden/rash decisions for the first year of starting the program is more of a guideline as so many come in the doors so dang confused they misspell their name and aren't wearing matching shoes.
this does NOT apply when the house is on fire....we do not wait a year to call the fire dept! we get to safety FIRST, and then work out the details.
in your case, not only is your physical/emotional safety and well being on the line, but also your precious sobriety. this constitutes "house on fire".
i'm sorry things have disintegrated so rapidly in a short year's worth of time...but perhaps in some ways it's better to be cascading sooner rather than later.
welcome to SR. i'm so glad you found us and hope we get to walk with you on your journey (or dive out the window as the case may be!!!).
this does NOT apply when the house is on fire....we do not wait a year to call the fire dept! we get to safety FIRST, and then work out the details.
in your case, not only is your physical/emotional safety and well being on the line, but also your precious sobriety. this constitutes "house on fire".
i'm sorry things have disintegrated so rapidly in a short year's worth of time...but perhaps in some ways it's better to be cascading sooner rather than later.
welcome to SR. i'm so glad you found us and hope we get to walk with you on your journey (or dive out the window as the case may be!!!).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Yes, indeed: house on fire! You have to feel safe where you live and you have your sobriety to protect as well. You will be in my prayers. Make a plan--it doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you, much less safe and protective, as a marriage partnership should be. I know this from similar experience as well, and it does not make a difference if it is physical or emotional--it all hurts and all disrupts our right to serenity in our home.
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