If this is the right thing, why does it feel so bad?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by redbud 
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and wisdom....
I'm having a rough time here.
I'm getting the feeling that things have turned against my husband and I. The mental health crisis team can no longer talk to us about the situation. What is up with that??
We truly do not deserve this. We have only been trying to help our son who was somehow damaged in the military.
I'm having a rough time here.
I'm getting the feeling that things have turned against my husband and I. The mental health crisis team can no longer talk to us about the situation. What is up with that??
We truly do not deserve this. We have only been trying to help our son who was somehow damaged in the military.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Wow..you are hitting alot of brick walls and I am so sorry..I was concerned when the "team" made you his keeper, but even more so now that they have stopped keeping you informed..your son can sign a release..people do it all the time..what specifically are they saying to you?
My inclination is that your son doesn't follow your rules, why does the crisis team expect that to change now?It feels a little like a set up for failure.It would seem to me that the keeping tabs and enforcing things he utterly refuses to do is NOT the healthiest thing for any of you..its why we send people off the rehabs and hospitals..we are not qualified to be treating them.Yours is honestly one of the most frustrating situations i have heard of..you keep doing the right things..hopefully soon something will give one way or another..keep taking care of yourself..get to meetings..have coffee with a friend, do a little alanon reading..keep posting and hang in there..
My inclination is that your son doesn't follow your rules, why does the crisis team expect that to change now?It feels a little like a set up for failure.It would seem to me that the keeping tabs and enforcing things he utterly refuses to do is NOT the healthiest thing for any of you..its why we send people off the rehabs and hospitals..we are not qualified to be treating them.Yours is honestly one of the most frustrating situations i have heard of..you keep doing the right things..hopefully soon something will give one way or another..keep taking care of yourself..get to meetings..have coffee with a friend, do a little alanon reading..keep posting and hang in there..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Basically my son is being commmitted to outpatient therapy (big whoop). The crisis worker wanted to meet with my son and I on friday. During the meeting my son vented on how I blew everything out of proportion, in regard to his behavior. He said that it was not big deal that he had sleepwalked and was sitting outside our room, and he said we even laughed about it (not true). He said I am making him to appear cynister. I was extremely tired during this meeting, as my son has been up night after night, pacing the floor. I didn't say much during the meeting, but tried to reason with my son a little, and at one point just gave up and teared up and told the worker I am very tired.
Later that day (after social services called and said they need to meet with us), the crisis worker called me with my sons scheduled appt. and I asked him how he thinks things went during the meeting ( I never really understood the purpose of the meeting). He said my son is understandably frustrated, and that I am concerned as his mom. He said other than that there is nothing he can discuss with me about the situation (before they were very communicative). I asked if THEY had called social services to pay us a visit, and he said it was not him personallly, but not to worry because if they remove our children they always work toward reuniting the family. My stomach dropped to the floor.
I sensed a definite change in attitude from the "crisis team"....and am not understanding what it is about. If they told me that we need to remove our son from the home, we would.
He has no where to be removed to.... no where to go. My husband told social services that we put strict guidelines on him and he is walking a very thin line. He told her of all of the resources we've gone through trying to get help.
My son was not given the proper care he needed from the military.
Bottom line.
And now I can't shake this fear of social services taking my kids.
Later that day (after social services called and said they need to meet with us), the crisis worker called me with my sons scheduled appt. and I asked him how he thinks things went during the meeting ( I never really understood the purpose of the meeting). He said my son is understandably frustrated, and that I am concerned as his mom. He said other than that there is nothing he can discuss with me about the situation (before they were very communicative). I asked if THEY had called social services to pay us a visit, and he said it was not him personallly, but not to worry because if they remove our children they always work toward reuniting the family. My stomach dropped to the floor.
I sensed a definite change in attitude from the "crisis team"....and am not understanding what it is about. If they told me that we need to remove our son from the home, we would.
He has no where to be removed to.... no where to go. My husband told social services that we put strict guidelines on him and he is walking a very thin line. He told her of all of the resources we've gone through trying to get help.
My son was not given the proper care he needed from the military.
Bottom line.
And now I can't shake this fear of social services taking my kids.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
I went to see our family doctor yesterday, who kindly met with me, though I walked in without an appt.. He knows our family and knows our son. He said my son is more intelligent than most of the doctors, and can be very convincing. He was supportive and said he would put in everyone's charts that I had been in to talk to him about the difficult situation and that we are great parents and the kids are well taken care of. He said he would call me if social services contacted him. He talked about the substance abuse and the psychiatric problems (without disclosing any information about my adult son). He said that although he is now licensed to prescribe Seboxone, he would rather shoot himself than to be my sons addiction doctor, which I did have to laugh at, as I understand. The last thing he said was that we need to get a lawyer who specializes in military/va cases, (as some of you have recomended).
I am going to look for a lawyer, but know it will be very expensive and we REALLY do not have the money at this time.
My husband and I have been pretty much guarding our house for some time now...not leaving our girls home alone with our son, and not wanting to leave our son alone in the house. Now we are even more diligent. We are prisoners in our own home.
Our son has been compliant...I have his money, and have taken him to pay some of his bills under my watchful eye. He has repeatedly asked me not to send him to a psych ward again, and is paranoid about where I am and who I am talking to.
This is taking its toll on my husband and I, as well as our girls.
I have racked my brain trying to think of a relative who could take him for a while (we have no relatives close by). I couldn't, with a clear conscious, put this situation upon any relative.
We usually go somewhere for spring break, but how do we leave our son here in our house unattended.
We want our lives back.
I am going to look for a lawyer, but know it will be very expensive and we REALLY do not have the money at this time.
My husband and I have been pretty much guarding our house for some time now...not leaving our girls home alone with our son, and not wanting to leave our son alone in the house. Now we are even more diligent. We are prisoners in our own home.
Our son has been compliant...I have his money, and have taken him to pay some of his bills under my watchful eye. He has repeatedly asked me not to send him to a psych ward again, and is paranoid about where I am and who I am talking to.
This is taking its toll on my husband and I, as well as our girls.
I have racked my brain trying to think of a relative who could take him for a while (we have no relatives close by). I couldn't, with a clear conscious, put this situation upon any relative.
We usually go somewhere for spring break, but how do we leave our son here in our house unattended.
We want our lives back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Oh, and a couple of people I know said they are going to write to congressmen and the joint chief of staff. I would like to write a letter myself, and when I have a couple of free hours, I will.
And they said if social services take our children there will be a public outcry throughout our community. It's nice to know someones got our back, lol.
And they said if social services take our children there will be a public outcry throughout our community. It's nice to know someones got our back, lol.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I am going to look for a lawyer, but know it will be very expensive and we REALLY do not have the money at this time.
I also hope that as a precaution, you and hubby have taken anything of value, jewelry, coins, etc and put them in a safe deposit box at the bank.
Good thoughts and prayers continue to go out to you and your family from NM.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I posted yesterday, but it didn't show up..Social Services MAY make you make a choice as to who stays in the house, but almost assuredly will not just walk in and take the kids..the thing that keeps popping out at me.and I am not a doctor, so take it as one persons thoughts, is that the behavior he is exhibiting now, being able to control and manipulate even professionals, sounds more like addiction than mental illness.How easy is it to hide severe mental illness?Addicts are pretty good at coming off looking alright for short periods of time.
Sounds like regardless of the financial situation it's time to lawyer up for your own benefit...
Sounds like regardless of the financial situation it's time to lawyer up for your own benefit...
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Laurie, thanks. The nearest DAV chapter I could find had a disconnected number, but I will google it again and call another one.
Keeninon, I agree. However, at this time my son has been acting like a young child...does not want to be left alone for one minute, and is writing down notes about me in a childish manner, such as, "Mom is so controlling. She got mad at me. I get nervous when she comes in a room...etc, etc.". He spends hours on the floor petting the dogs continuously. I gave him three small tasks to do, and it took him the entire day, as he could not stay focused. It's very strange. He is not using, for now, due to the methadone. I keep seeking more help, and wondering where I can send him, before my family falls apart from the stress.
I may call social services and ask them to remove me from the home!
Keeninon, I agree. However, at this time my son has been acting like a young child...does not want to be left alone for one minute, and is writing down notes about me in a childish manner, such as, "Mom is so controlling. She got mad at me. I get nervous when she comes in a room...etc, etc.". He spends hours on the floor petting the dogs continuously. I gave him three small tasks to do, and it took him the entire day, as he could not stay focused. It's very strange. He is not using, for now, due to the methadone. I keep seeking more help, and wondering where I can send him, before my family falls apart from the stress.
I may call social services and ask them to remove me from the home!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
WOuldn't that be nice if social services came and put you in a safe and loving home LOL!Thought about you today in my meeting..they have a NAMI flyer up on the wall..have you looked into that group?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
I am trying to keep my sanity...thank you for asking! It's nice to have my invisible friends around when I need them!
I have tried NAMI, but we don't have a local chapter. There is one in the nearest larger city, and they have a weekly class that we wanted to attend, but would have to leave the house for at least 5 hours to go. I haven't heard of DBSA, but will check it out!
I have been having a hard time with all of this. So has my 15 year old daughter, who cried today and said she wants things how they used to be. It's hard because we see no end in sight. My gut feeling is this is a lifelong problem....not just the addiction, which is also lifelong, but the mental problem or brain injury or both.
My son is very needy now, does not want to be alone for one minute, and is intent on "bonding" with all of us. It is way over the top, to the point of annoyance, and very unnatural to his true personality. He begs me not to leave and wants to know when I will be back, and continues to lay on the floor, petting the dogs for hours on end. I think it calms him, but is strange. I took him to Walmart for a few items (since I have his debt. card), and he said to make sure we stay together and don't get seperated. If I walked even a few feet ahead he would say, "Mom, wait for me".
I can actually see why he did drugs....for the relief they offered.
He is ordered to attend the intensive outpt. substance abuse program at the mental health clinic, which I drive him to. We told him that he cannot drive while he lives with us, at least for now. Plus, he cannot keep his lisense untill a doctor fills out a detailed form regarding mental/substance abuse issues, due to his accident around Christmas. But, at what point will he be able to move out and have his own life? He does not have one friend (except the methadone/drug crowd, who never really were his friends). He never leaves the house without me.
My entire family is suffering, and though I went to alanon(just listened, didn't talk) and have been reading the books and literature, I can't shake the terrible feeling that this will never end.
Before long he will probably be isolating himself again. I long for our old lives. We all do. He probably longs for his too, though he never talks about the military at all. What happens to people like my son?
Sorry for the long-update. I don't mean to complain, as everyone has their own problems. Thank you all again for everything.
I have tried NAMI, but we don't have a local chapter. There is one in the nearest larger city, and they have a weekly class that we wanted to attend, but would have to leave the house for at least 5 hours to go. I haven't heard of DBSA, but will check it out!
I have been having a hard time with all of this. So has my 15 year old daughter, who cried today and said she wants things how they used to be. It's hard because we see no end in sight. My gut feeling is this is a lifelong problem....not just the addiction, which is also lifelong, but the mental problem or brain injury or both.
My son is very needy now, does not want to be alone for one minute, and is intent on "bonding" with all of us. It is way over the top, to the point of annoyance, and very unnatural to his true personality. He begs me not to leave and wants to know when I will be back, and continues to lay on the floor, petting the dogs for hours on end. I think it calms him, but is strange. I took him to Walmart for a few items (since I have his debt. card), and he said to make sure we stay together and don't get seperated. If I walked even a few feet ahead he would say, "Mom, wait for me".
I can actually see why he did drugs....for the relief they offered.
He is ordered to attend the intensive outpt. substance abuse program at the mental health clinic, which I drive him to. We told him that he cannot drive while he lives with us, at least for now. Plus, he cannot keep his lisense untill a doctor fills out a detailed form regarding mental/substance abuse issues, due to his accident around Christmas. But, at what point will he be able to move out and have his own life? He does not have one friend (except the methadone/drug crowd, who never really were his friends). He never leaves the house without me.
My entire family is suffering, and though I went to alanon(just listened, didn't talk) and have been reading the books and literature, I can't shake the terrible feeling that this will never end.
Before long he will probably be isolating himself again. I long for our old lives. We all do. He probably longs for his too, though he never talks about the military at all. What happens to people like my son?
Sorry for the long-update. I don't mean to complain, as everyone has their own problems. Thank you all again for everything.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Redbud - I'm a recovering alcoholic (from the other side of the forum) and I just wanted to say I'm praying for you and your family. I can't imagine what you're going through.
This may sound crazy, but if I were you I'd write down everything (from beginning to end) and make tons of copies. I'd send it (with a cover letter) to everyone (congressmen, senators, military higher-ups, social services management, every government agency that might be able to help, and anyone who might be able to plead your cause). AND I would send a copy to Oprah and Dr. Phil - seriously........it's an unbelievable story.
Accept the help of some of those people who want to write letters.....Go for the higher level people, someone who can actually DO something.
I'm just mortified by what you've gone through, and I know it presumptuous for me to suggest doing any more than what you've already done (which is above and beyond)......... I just want to scream from the rooftops, I guess, and I'm taking it out on you. Sorry!:ghug3
I'll pray like crazy. My dad tells me (whenever my children are in crisis and I'm suffering along with them): Do the best you can and give the rest to God. I really hope you get some rest.........
This may sound crazy, but if I were you I'd write down everything (from beginning to end) and make tons of copies. I'd send it (with a cover letter) to everyone (congressmen, senators, military higher-ups, social services management, every government agency that might be able to help, and anyone who might be able to plead your cause). AND I would send a copy to Oprah and Dr. Phil - seriously........it's an unbelievable story.
Accept the help of some of those people who want to write letters.....Go for the higher level people, someone who can actually DO something.
I'm just mortified by what you've gone through, and I know it presumptuous for me to suggest doing any more than what you've already done (which is above and beyond)......... I just want to scream from the rooftops, I guess, and I'm taking it out on you. Sorry!:ghug3
I'll pray like crazy. My dad tells me (whenever my children are in crisis and I'm suffering along with them): Do the best you can and give the rest to God. I really hope you get some rest.........
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
We have been looking for a lawyer.
The longer my son is not using drugs (except the methadone), the clearer we are seeing the real picture. We see childish behavior and manner of speaking, seeking approval as a child would, "Mom, I put the dishes away...are you proud of me mom?", laying on the floor petting the dogs for HOURS, being unable to figure out complex tasks (at all) or make even small decisions; impaired judgment (putting it mildly), and sleep disturbances....at times falling asleep while eating or talking....there is something very wrong.
This was the same person who thought Boot Camp was easy, because he had prepared so rigorously for it. The same person who during his fist week at Presidio of Monterey (defense language institute), proclaimed he was determined to win the top honor award....and 18 months later, he did (presented by the commander in a ceremony). The same person who graduated "top of his class" in everything he did, and had letters of recomendation from superiors. The same person who thought it was an honor to serve his country and be in the Air Force, and had plans for the future and his life planned out.
In my mind (and my husband's), it all comes back to the undiagnosed head injury...sustained while in the military.
As my husband said, "He went in a man, and came back a child".
I'd better go....my son is going to take out the trash but he asked if I would go with him because he gets lonely and scared in the dark. I cannot believe this is happening.
The longer my son is not using drugs (except the methadone), the clearer we are seeing the real picture. We see childish behavior and manner of speaking, seeking approval as a child would, "Mom, I put the dishes away...are you proud of me mom?", laying on the floor petting the dogs for HOURS, being unable to figure out complex tasks (at all) or make even small decisions; impaired judgment (putting it mildly), and sleep disturbances....at times falling asleep while eating or talking....there is something very wrong.
This was the same person who thought Boot Camp was easy, because he had prepared so rigorously for it. The same person who during his fist week at Presidio of Monterey (defense language institute), proclaimed he was determined to win the top honor award....and 18 months later, he did (presented by the commander in a ceremony). The same person who graduated "top of his class" in everything he did, and had letters of recomendation from superiors. The same person who thought it was an honor to serve his country and be in the Air Force, and had plans for the future and his life planned out.
In my mind (and my husband's), it all comes back to the undiagnosed head injury...sustained while in the military.
As my husband said, "He went in a man, and came back a child".
I'd better go....my son is going to take out the trash but he asked if I would go with him because he gets lonely and scared in the dark. I cannot believe this is happening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
(((Redbud)))
So glad you are keeping us updated. But sorry that things are so difficult.
I wonder if the methadone could be contributing to the problem as well as the head injury. Sometimes drugs can cause mental instability, even the ones that are prescribed.
Good luck with finding a lawyer and help for your son.
And don't forget to take care of yourself.
So glad you are keeping us updated. But sorry that things are so difficult.
I wonder if the methadone could be contributing to the problem as well as the head injury. Sometimes drugs can cause mental instability, even the ones that are prescribed.
Good luck with finding a lawyer and help for your son.
And don't forget to take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Thank you....I have read that you should not take methadone if you have a head injury. We go to court Thursday for his involuntary outpt. committment, and perhaps I will ask that he be court ordered to a consult with a neuropsychiatrist. I don't know how these proceedings work, and I did not file for the hearing, but rather the "crisis team" did. Will I be able to talk? My son will have a court appointed lawyer, but do I need a lawyer at this hearing?
My son is actually at an NA meeting right now....voluntarily! He gave me (repeatedly) instructions to keep my phone on me so I can come right away if he calls. I dropped him off and he looked as scared as a child on his first day of school. This is not like my son, who was always self-assured and confident. I just hope he can stay awake, so they don't think he is "using" if he nods off! (he fell asleep in the car on the way there!).
Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me, offering suggestions and support through my numerous postings. You will never know how much it has meant to me.
My son is actually at an NA meeting right now....voluntarily! He gave me (repeatedly) instructions to keep my phone on me so I can come right away if he calls. I dropped him off and he looked as scared as a child on his first day of school. This is not like my son, who was always self-assured and confident. I just hope he can stay awake, so they don't think he is "using" if he nods off! (he fell asleep in the car on the way there!).
Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me, offering suggestions and support through my numerous postings. You will never know how much it has meant to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by redbud
Thank you....I have read that you should not take methadone if you have a head injury. We go to court Thursday for his involuntary outpt. committment, and perhaps I will ask that he be court ordered to a consult with a neuropsychiatrist. I don't know how these proceedings work, and I did not file for the hearing, but rather the "crisis team" did. Will I be able to talk? My son will have a court appointed lawyer, but do I need a lawyer at this hearing?
My son is actually at an NA meeting right now....voluntarily! He gave me (repeatedly) instructions to keep my phone on me so I can come right away if he calls. I dropped him off and he looked as scared as a child on his first day of school. This is not like my son, who was always self-assured and confident. I just hope he can stay awake, so they don't think he is "using" if he nods off! (he fell asleep in the car on the way there!).
Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me, offering suggestions and support through my numerous postings. You will never know how much it has meant to me.
My son is actually at an NA meeting right now....voluntarily! He gave me (repeatedly) instructions to keep my phone on me so I can come right away if he calls. I dropped him off and he looked as scared as a child on his first day of school. This is not like my son, who was always self-assured and confident. I just hope he can stay awake, so they don't think he is "using" if he nods off! (he fell asleep in the car on the way there!).
Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me, offering suggestions and support through my numerous postings. You will never know how much it has meant to me.
If you had an attorney there for you, and you were not committed to being the guardian of your son (as we've discussed earlier), then he would be there as your zealous advocate and not an advocate for your son. That's important to keep in mind. Good luck on Thursday.
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