If this is the right thing, why does it feel so bad?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
((((redbud))))
I do understand the sadness. But you and your husband need to know in your heart that you have done the right thing. I hope that they will be able to find a place where your son can recieve the help that he needs, and deserves.
And I hope that with time as he gets better he will understand that what you have done is the right thing.
One of the things that helped us, when my son was in the psych hospital, was that we told the hospital staff that he could not come home because we didn't feel safe. because of that they would not release him until he had a safe place to live. That did buy us a little more time to find that place for him. I hope that your son will be safe in the hospital and they will be able to help him, that is what they are there for.
Take care of yourself right now and the rest of your family. It should be a comfort to know that he is being cared for and that someone is watching him that is trained in psych care.
And keep us posted.
I do understand the sadness. But you and your husband need to know in your heart that you have done the right thing. I hope that they will be able to find a place where your son can recieve the help that he needs, and deserves.
And I hope that with time as he gets better he will understand that what you have done is the right thing.
One of the things that helped us, when my son was in the psych hospital, was that we told the hospital staff that he could not come home because we didn't feel safe. because of that they would not release him until he had a safe place to live. That did buy us a little more time to find that place for him. I hope that your son will be safe in the hospital and they will be able to help him, that is what they are there for.
Take care of yourself right now and the rest of your family. It should be a comfort to know that he is being cared for and that someone is watching him that is trained in psych care.
And keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
At six a.m. I got a knock on the door....my son was back.
A crisis worker called from the hospital at one in the morning and we spoke for three hours. She said he wasn't psychotic, and didn't admit to being suicidal. She said that someone has to be in a vegetative state to get committed for drug abuse. There are strict guidelines for committment, and he didn't meet the criteria, but she would talk to the clinical director and see what they could do. Apparently nothing. I tried.
I had told the crisis worker that my son could not live at home any longer. The police brought him home anyway. My son said for his own safety he felt he should move out, so we don't continue to try to have him committed. I told him that was a good idea.
He said the police thought WE must be crazy and overzealous, and that the crisis worker was wondering if we were having problems in our marriage and that's why we want him out. I don't know what to believe. He almost had ME convinced that we were crazy and that there is nothing wrong with him.
He left with the methadone crowd, and when he gets back we will have him get his things and leave.
Here's the kicker, not only did they release him, but the ER doctor gave him a shot of Ativan and some pain medicine for severe heartburn he was having! He will now flunk his urine test at the methadone clinic....something he didn't think about.
A crisis worker called from the hospital at one in the morning and we spoke for three hours. She said he wasn't psychotic, and didn't admit to being suicidal. She said that someone has to be in a vegetative state to get committed for drug abuse. There are strict guidelines for committment, and he didn't meet the criteria, but she would talk to the clinical director and see what they could do. Apparently nothing. I tried.
I had told the crisis worker that my son could not live at home any longer. The police brought him home anyway. My son said for his own safety he felt he should move out, so we don't continue to try to have him committed. I told him that was a good idea.
He said the police thought WE must be crazy and overzealous, and that the crisis worker was wondering if we were having problems in our marriage and that's why we want him out. I don't know what to believe. He almost had ME convinced that we were crazy and that there is nothing wrong with him.
He left with the methadone crowd, and when he gets back we will have him get his things and leave.
Here's the kicker, not only did they release him, but the ER doctor gave him a shot of Ativan and some pain medicine for severe heartburn he was having! He will now flunk his urine test at the methadone clinic....something he didn't think about.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((redbud)))
It kind of reminds me of the time, I took my then, 14 year old son, to the Cleveland Clinic, cause he kept threatening suicide. We went through E.R. and he was hospitalized for 8 weeks, and after all that time, his diagnosis was "Adolescent adjustment disorder"
AND they never once drug tested him.
Sometimes I have Adult adjustment disorder.....
I'm just kind of wondering if all you sons problems are drug centered,and not a psychiatric problem...
The two are so related...
In fact, recently, we've been seriously thinking our 37 year old is plain goofy, but when I analyze it, I think it's drug behavior...and it's scary.
Hugs to you.....
It kind of reminds me of the time, I took my then, 14 year old son, to the Cleveland Clinic, cause he kept threatening suicide. We went through E.R. and he was hospitalized for 8 weeks, and after all that time, his diagnosis was "Adolescent adjustment disorder"
AND they never once drug tested him.
Sometimes I have Adult adjustment disorder.....
I'm just kind of wondering if all you sons problems are drug centered,and not a psychiatric problem...
The two are so related...
In fact, recently, we've been seriously thinking our 37 year old is plain goofy, but when I analyze it, I think it's drug behavior...and it's scary.
Hugs to you.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 25
I can't believe how bad some of the psych hospitals are in our country. It's all driven by things other that helping those with problems. We took my son 3 times to psych hospitals before he was admitted. And I think he was admitted because he said he wanted to kill people. Even when he threatened to kill himself, they wouldn't admit him because he backed off of that statement once he was in the hospital talking to the intake people.
It must be so frustrating for you, I know it was for us. That's why this last time we took the matter into our own hands. And I guess our son must of realized he had a problem and needed help with drug abuse. I really do think that drugs caused his psychotic moods. Both using drugs, coming off drugs, and the changing of drugs by his doctors, all those contrubuted.
I'm so sorry things didn't work out this time.
It's just so hard.
My advice at this time is for you to take care of yourself and your family and go to alanon meetings if you can. Or find a counselor in your area to help you. You are the only person you can really help. That's always a hard one for me to recognize. But alanon meetings do help me.
Take care and keep us posted.
It must be so frustrating for you, I know it was for us. That's why this last time we took the matter into our own hands. And I guess our son must of realized he had a problem and needed help with drug abuse. I really do think that drugs caused his psychotic moods. Both using drugs, coming off drugs, and the changing of drugs by his doctors, all those contrubuted.
I'm so sorry things didn't work out this time.
It's just so hard.
My advice at this time is for you to take care of yourself and your family and go to alanon meetings if you can. Or find a counselor in your area to help you. You are the only person you can really help. That's always a hard one for me to recognize. But alanon meetings do help me.
Take care and keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I know that feeling your husband had of..I can't take it any more..Because I had it too.When my daughter was using, I started waking up with the thought"I wish I was dead" as the first thought in the morning..I wasn't suicidal, but I knew I was in deep trouble because I had no control over these thoughts..
Alanon is what truly helped me..lots of peoples kids have dual diagnosisis..most of them actually..at this pooint he is an addict regardeless of how he got there..you would be welcomed at alanon..I urge you to try it..I had a whole new perspective on EVERYTHING due to the program..what have you got to lose?
I also just want to say how sorry I am that all your efforts with the system are not working..II think that was when I really started to brerak down....I was told if I didn't call the police on my daughter every time she missed curfew or was high I was going to be held legally responsible (she was 17).So I did as I was told..the cops were PISSED and told us to stop wasting their time on this BS. I felt trapped and helpless too.There are also NAMI meetings for people who love others with mental illnesses..what I found was that I couldn't do it alone..just like the addict..I needed face to face support and guidance..tools to help me not just survive but stop living in the hell I was in...my heart goes out to you..consider working the program you wish he would..it has worked for lots of us..
Alanon is what truly helped me..lots of peoples kids have dual diagnosisis..most of them actually..at this pooint he is an addict regardeless of how he got there..you would be welcomed at alanon..I urge you to try it..I had a whole new perspective on EVERYTHING due to the program..what have you got to lose?
I also just want to say how sorry I am that all your efforts with the system are not working..II think that was when I really started to brerak down....I was told if I didn't call the police on my daughter every time she missed curfew or was high I was going to be held legally responsible (she was 17).So I did as I was told..the cops were PISSED and told us to stop wasting their time on this BS. I felt trapped and helpless too.There are also NAMI meetings for people who love others with mental illnesses..what I found was that I couldn't do it alone..just like the addict..I needed face to face support and guidance..tools to help me not just survive but stop living in the hell I was in...my heart goes out to you..consider working the program you wish he would..it has worked for lots of us..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
I cannot say whether his problems are all drug related, but do know his symptoms started way before the military prescribed the meds he became addicted to. There were definite precursers of a psychiatric condition, and I think he waited quite a while before he went to "mental health" for help.
I have been to alanon several times and found it helpful. It only meets once a week in our town, and if I can't make it, I have to wait an entire week! Our family does need help....probably me as much as my son.
The daytime crisis worker called and told me my son had been ordered to outpt. and if he doesn't show up today they may order for him to be picked up. He said the ER doctor had the final say last night. He was shocked that my son had been given ativan while on methadone.
My husband gave him until five oclock to move out. I am fighting guilt. Crazy, I know.
I have been to alanon several times and found it helpful. It only meets once a week in our town, and if I can't make it, I have to wait an entire week! Our family does need help....probably me as much as my son.
The daytime crisis worker called and told me my son had been ordered to outpt. and if he doesn't show up today they may order for him to be picked up. He said the ER doctor had the final say last night. He was shocked that my son had been given ativan while on methadone.
My husband gave him until five oclock to move out. I am fighting guilt. Crazy, I know.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by keepinon 
at this pooint he is an addict regardeless of how he got there
I feared overdose, death, or worse. Well, overdose and worse happened. I ended up having to face my pain, it is the root of fear. I was really no different than my daughter, I was afraid of pain. The only difference was that she used a drug. I discovered I was using her. I was projecting all my fears onto her instead of dealing with them.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. I chose to stop suffering.
That was the day I decided to work the program I wished she would. I wished she'd seek the help of professionals, experts in their fields. I wished she'd seek out others who had been there and done that, were living life on it's terms, not just existing. I wished she'd find healthier friends. I wished she'd learn to deal with the past and heal herself.
I did and do all the things I wished she would, one day at a time. No one else can do these things for me, just like I can't do them for her or anyone else.
redbud, I'm glad you've started doing the recovery work for yourself
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Redbud..the whole family does need help and healing..we get drawn into the disease, and in that space we do NO ONE any good.It happens so slowly that its hard to even see how low we sink...
I understand that your son has serious mental health issues..my point with saying ..no matter how he got here, he's an addict now, is that ALL addicts have some underlying something..mental illness, depression, a need to check out, the gene for addiction...
Many people self medicate and exacerbate the underlying problem..what I have been told by psychiatrists are that you have to get them clean, treat the addiction first and THEN you can figure out where to go..it helped me when I wasn't sure what to do with my daughter (who they thought was bipolar, turns out..all drug induced in her case)
I understand that your son has serious mental health issues..my point with saying ..no matter how he got here, he's an addict now, is that ALL addicts have some underlying something..mental illness, depression, a need to check out, the gene for addiction...
Many people self medicate and exacerbate the underlying problem..what I have been told by psychiatrists are that you have to get them clean, treat the addiction first and THEN you can figure out where to go..it helped me when I wasn't sure what to do with my daughter (who they thought was bipolar, turns out..all drug induced in her case)
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by redbud
I cannot say whether his problems are all drug related, but do know his symptoms started way before the military prescribed the meds he became addicted to. There were definite precursers of a psychiatric condition, and I think he waited quite a while before he went to "mental health" for help.
I have been to alanon several times and found it helpful. It only meets once a week in our town, and if I can't make it, I have to wait an entire week! Our family does need help....probably me as much as my son.
The daytime crisis worker called and told me my son had been ordered to outpt. and if he doesn't show up today they may order for him to be picked up. He said the ER doctor had the final say last night. He was shocked that my son had been given ativan while on methadone.
My husband gave him until five oclock to move out. I am fighting guilt. Crazy, I know.
I have been to alanon several times and found it helpful. It only meets once a week in our town, and if I can't make it, I have to wait an entire week! Our family does need help....probably me as much as my son.
The daytime crisis worker called and told me my son had been ordered to outpt. and if he doesn't show up today they may order for him to be picked up. He said the ER doctor had the final say last night. He was shocked that my son had been given ativan while on methadone.
My husband gave him until five oclock to move out. I am fighting guilt. Crazy, I know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
We now have been visited by social services....keepinon, you were right. They called it a "family assessment", but it was humiliating, nontheless. My huband is extremely upset over this...it is frightening to be under the radar of social services. Our girls were mostly annoyed that they were missing their planned friday night activities with friends to be intervewed by social services. My husband says it was the worst thing that ever happened to him.
My son was soon to be homeless, so the crisis team intervened.
The crisis team has obtained my sons records from the VA and the rehab, and are very involved...(apparently every agency in the county is now involved). An agreement was made by my son and the crisis team, and my husband and I. He is to give me full control of all of his money, go to every appt. scheduled by the mental health clinic (or a warrent will be issued to pick him up), any drug use outside of the prescribed meds and methadone will mean he is out of the house permenantly. This agreement was made in the ER yesterday, where they had my son assessed again. He has surrendered his money to me.
I really wish the VA had made a plan for when he was discharged from the military...and sent him to a residential facility for a period of time....or something. Anything. It was not fair for them to send him home to us in the condition they did.
Now we are supposed to help pick up the pieces and be his supervisor. It has changed our lives.
I have read all of your posts, and do appreciate each and every one.
I guess I'm being a "high maintenance" user of this site. Never intended to be....but am thankful for all of you!
My son was soon to be homeless, so the crisis team intervened.
The crisis team has obtained my sons records from the VA and the rehab, and are very involved...(apparently every agency in the county is now involved). An agreement was made by my son and the crisis team, and my husband and I. He is to give me full control of all of his money, go to every appt. scheduled by the mental health clinic (or a warrent will be issued to pick him up), any drug use outside of the prescribed meds and methadone will mean he is out of the house permenantly. This agreement was made in the ER yesterday, where they had my son assessed again. He has surrendered his money to me.
I really wish the VA had made a plan for when he was discharged from the military...and sent him to a residential facility for a period of time....or something. Anything. It was not fair for them to send him home to us in the condition they did.
Now we are supposed to help pick up the pieces and be his supervisor. It has changed our lives.
I have read all of your posts, and do appreciate each and every one.
I guess I'm being a "high maintenance" user of this site. Never intended to be....but am thankful for all of you!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
You are notn high matienence! You need help and offer us an opportunity to give back and share what we have learned..that is part of OUR recovery..people were there for us, and we will be there for others..
Child Protective Services was called on me..I work with foster kids..it was very humilating..I knew more than the social worker..forunately, they saw my AD was the problem, but I was forced to take her back in the home.It is so hard to be on that side when we are used to be the upstanding citizen and then have agencies coming into our homes..just believe me when I say many of us here have been in the same boat..keep posting..thats what this site is here for!
Child Protective Services was called on me..I work with foster kids..it was very humilating..I knew more than the social worker..forunately, they saw my AD was the problem, but I was forced to take her back in the home.It is so hard to be on that side when we are used to be the upstanding citizen and then have agencies coming into our homes..just believe me when I say many of us here have been in the same boat..keep posting..thats what this site is here for!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Redbud)))))
No you are NOT a high maintenance user of this site, roflmao you are just a 'normal' user.
Now to the serious 'stuff.' Sounds like Social Services is making you his 'warden' and I am sorry for that. However, on the other hand, he has been given consequences for his 'lack of actions' to come.
I know this is going to put more stress on you, your husband, and girls, however, it just may be a 'good thing' in that your son finally gets the 'mental' help he needs, from the VA for what the military did to him. Yes the military 'scre*ed' him over royally.
I understand that right now it really is unknown how much of his problems are his mental instability and how much is the drugs he has been using to 'self medicate' and in the process became addicted. Hopefully, now with these 'new' regulations in place, some results will start to be seen.
Hopefully, his 'military training' will kick in as far as the 'rules' are concerned and he will follow them. Only time will tell.
In the meantime, please know that although we are not there with you physically, we are there in spirit, and when you are feeling down, just picture ALL of us in whatever room you are in at the moment, WE ARE THERE WITH YOU.
Please keep posting, you are not 'abusing' these boards at all, as we do care so very much!
Love and hugs,
No you are NOT a high maintenance user of this site, roflmao you are just a 'normal' user.
Now to the serious 'stuff.' Sounds like Social Services is making you his 'warden' and I am sorry for that. However, on the other hand, he has been given consequences for his 'lack of actions' to come.
I know this is going to put more stress on you, your husband, and girls, however, it just may be a 'good thing' in that your son finally gets the 'mental' help he needs, from the VA for what the military did to him. Yes the military 'scre*ed' him over royally.
I understand that right now it really is unknown how much of his problems are his mental instability and how much is the drugs he has been using to 'self medicate' and in the process became addicted. Hopefully, now with these 'new' regulations in place, some results will start to be seen.
Hopefully, his 'military training' will kick in as far as the 'rules' are concerned and he will follow them. Only time will tell.
In the meantime, please know that although we are not there with you physically, we are there in spirit, and when you are feeling down, just picture ALL of us in whatever room you are in at the moment, WE ARE THERE WITH YOU.
Please keep posting, you are not 'abusing' these boards at all, as we do care so very much!
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: foothills of north carolina
Posts: 76
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and wisdom....
I'm having a rough time here.
I'm getting the feeling that things have turned against my husband and I. The mental health crisis team can no longer talk to us about the situation. What is up with that??
We truly do not deserve this. We have only been trying to help our son who was somehow damaged in the military.
I'm having a rough time here.
I'm getting the feeling that things have turned against my husband and I. The mental health crisis team can no longer talk to us about the situation. What is up with that??
We truly do not deserve this. We have only been trying to help our son who was somehow damaged in the military.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
redbud - i've been reading your posts and the supportive responses from so many here - i don't have anything more to add except my prayers and encouragement to continue to come here and seek comfort and support - you are facing such an ordeal - certainly one you and your family do not deserve - blessings to you
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
[QUOTE=laurie6781;2844887](((((Redbud)))))
Redbud,
I am so sorry that this terrifying situation has gotten not much better. i was catching up on it this morning, and noted Lauries suggestion above. I think that it sounds like a good idea, tho no telling if it will help, but it cant hurt. I am hopeful sometimes that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and I have squeaked a lot in my time.
please consider this, and maybe get someone to help with it.
i pray for you, your son and family. you all deserve help here.
chicory
Unfortunately, this is not the first case I have heard or known about where the military and VA has been non responsive and actually exacerbated the problems.
I think it would be an excellent idea to contact your federal congressman and Senator and lay the whole thing out for them. Another person to contact, is Senator John McCain, although he is a republican, and represents Arizona, he has helped several from different states with husbands, sons, brothers that have been treated like your son. He is on a couple of committees that deal with the Pentagon and the Military.
I think it would be an excellent idea to contact your federal congressman and Senator and lay the whole thing out for them. Another person to contact, is Senator John McCain, although he is a republican, and represents Arizona, he has helped several from different states with husbands, sons, brothers that have been treated like your son. He is on a couple of committees that deal with the Pentagon and the Military.
Redbud,
I am so sorry that this terrifying situation has gotten not much better. i was catching up on it this morning, and noted Lauries suggestion above. I think that it sounds like a good idea, tho no telling if it will help, but it cant hurt. I am hopeful sometimes that the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and I have squeaked a lot in my time.
please consider this, and maybe get someone to help with it.
i pray for you, your son and family. you all deserve help here.
chicory
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