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Do I have the right to confront?

Old 07-23-2010, 02:40 PM
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Do I have the right to confront?

Hello Everyone, I hope that I can find a place of comfort and some sort of consolation and answers. First off, I am in my 2nd marriage and have a 6 year old beautiful girl from my 1st marriage. I have been with my husband for 4 years married for less than one year. When we first met, he swept me off my feet, he told me about his crazy past and I overlooked them because I am not a judgemental person and believe that everyone deserves a second chance in life. He adores me, and my daughter and I know up to now that he will do anything to make sure that we are safe. However, eversince we got married I have noticed some changes in him, and the changes were physical changes, mood swings, sleep pattern changes and eating habits. He said he was just stressed out because we were trying to save up for a home, 3 months later, we found a home and had to go through mortgage process which is very stressful, even I had trouble sleeping, he definitely didn't sleep 2 to 3 days pretty much every 2 weeks. It was like a pattern. His sexual habits became more explicit, he would sweat profusely, and when he finally decides he wants to sleep he would growl in his sleep. Pretty scary. I have never been exposed to drugs except for what I've seen on T.V. I do not know the symptoms nor how a person looks like who is on drugs. My husband and I would be out and about and he would just tell me that a person standing next to us is on drugs and explain why he is....when we don't even know that person. I feel like I'm very gullible to this world. Until one time I decided to tell him to come home to take a drug test, BAD thing to do! Because he didn't come home instead he went out and did drugs just to spite me...I know that he was just making that an excuse to get away with the drug test, but I didn't want that happening again. I want to keep him home and far away from those things. Now, 3 months later we have a house, we have everything he asked for in his life, he went out again last week and this time I hear his voice change, smaller eyes, sweaty, NICER! and the next day still a little nice but would avoid talking to me over the phone and then in the afternoon he's agitated. I called him out on his behaviour and told him the pattern I was looking forward to. I told him, I guess you're not going to be sleeping anytime soon, and I told him I better be prepared of your meanness tomorrow...and finally I told him You're not getting any tonight. He then said why are you implying?, Then I told him to talk to me when he's sober. And then, he comes back at me and tells me why are you doing this to us, I am not doing anything wrong. Why can't you trust that I am not your ex-husband (who left me with another woman) and that I will never do anything to hurt you and our daughter (his step-daughter) And that is why I'm here now. Am I being manipulated? I need hard evidence for me to know really know what is happening, what can I do to ask him for a urination test that would make him be willing? or am I just looking into another marriage gone bad? Please take note, my husband has never hurt me or my daughter, he has provided a safe home for us, and really takes the time to show us that he loves us very much. As we do him, my fear is, things maybe kosher now and he feels that he's got a good grasp in life with what he's doing, and then one day he crashes and falls.
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Old 07-23-2010, 02:58 PM
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I am a recovering addict but I still am naive about what people look like on drugs, who knew the pediatrician, the pharmacist were on drugs. I can't tell. I can ask you though what you will do with hard evidence? If his behaviors are unacceptable with or without drugs usage then no test will really matter. Confirmation of a positive drug test will lead to you having to set some boundary. Only you know what boundaries you want in this relationship. He may be using but if he is what then?

Trust in any relationship is built by two. Once it's broken it's hard to replace.
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Old 07-23-2010, 03:22 PM
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I am inclined to feel that drugs tests are really only of value for the police or other authorities that need them for legal reasons. For those of us in relationships, the truth can be found without using those tests. Can you plan out time this weekend to talk with him?
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Old 07-24-2010, 03:29 PM
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As a recovering meth addict, I'd bet money he's doing meth. Popping him with a drug test isn't going to change what he's doing.

He is what he is. What you currently see is what you get.

I highly recommend finding a Naranon or Alanon meeting in your area-Alanon tends to be more widely available. There you will find face-to-face support from people who understand.

Get your hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Educate yourself on addiction. There are several 'sticky' topics at the top of this forum you can read.

You didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

My 32 year old daughter lived with two active meth addicts for 5 years of her early life, me and her stepfather.

She's now an active alcoholic/addict.

You are the only voice your daughter has. I hope you re-evaluate your situation, and start working a program of recovery for yourself.

Welcome to SR, and know you are among friend.
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Old 07-24-2010, 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by msmelrem View Post
he told me about his crazy past and I overlooked them
Past behavior is usually a predictor of what will happen in the future.

Did his "crazy past" include drugs?

If so, it wouldn't be too far off if he did relapse considering the recent stressors. I would wait and see what his actions are. In the meantime, protect yourself, your child and your assets in the event Sh*t hits the fan. Move money around to where he can't touch it and blow it. Watch your accounts. If money goes missing and not accounted for it's more than likely drugs/alcohol or bi-polar (if that's part of his "crazy past").
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Old 08-06-2010, 01:36 PM
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Thank you all for your insights and responses. I think I am in denial with him, because I truly love him and for the first 3 years of our being together, I have met the most wonderful loving person to me and my daughter. However, because of recent activities, and other investigations of my own, I am inclined to believe that it's either meth or cocaine. I have not seen physical changes in him, but I do see behavioral changes, again not toward me but to others. Money is not missing, he gives me money for expenditure, he's a tight wad, and would rather take care of things himself than spend money. He puts my daughter and I on a pedestal, and when he gets angry it is because of me being a real B* and that's when we get into our yelling outbursts...but doesn't other marriages have that too? That was the reason for my 1st divorce, however I will not make excuses for his behavior, I am going to be honest though, I fear confronting him because I do not know how he will react. Although he's never laid a hand on me or my daughter I still fear that the drugs will turn a violent switch on towards me. I feel that I am his safe haven, and secure place for him to go home to, and whatever I can do to guide him in the most loving way. His crazy past did include dealing.
Another question, is that I have a good hunch of where he's getting it from, and this person knows who I am. Should I talk to this person?
Again, I am so appreciative of this page because it is a place for me to vent.
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Old 08-06-2010, 01:48 PM
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I think at this point all you can do is sit, wait, and watch his behavior. If my partner asked me to take a drug test, I would tell him to jump in a lake. And once you find out the proof that you need, what do you plan to do then?? What's the use of finding out this information if you don't plan on doing anything?? Also, you stated that he puts you and your daughter on a pedestal and you only get into fights when you are a b**ch, so if whatever he is doing is not overtly affeting you and your daughter, I would say just sit back and watch and collect ammunition.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:46 PM
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Please protect your finances now. If it's cocaine or meth you and your sweet little daughter are in for an ugly ride.

Maybe start working on some boundaries for yourself - based on the kind of behavior you find acceptable around you and your child. Don't make them about drugs. That's easy to lie about.

Examples of boundaries are:

I will not use my hard earned money to bail family members our of jail.

I will not lie to protect people from the consequences of their actions.

It is not ok for people to say they will be somewhere and then not show up. If someone does this to me, I will no longer include them in my plans.

I will not allow someone to act in a disrespectful manner towards me in front of my daughter. If this happens I will take my daughter and leave the situation immediately.

I do not allow swearing or bad language around my daughter, if this happens I will ask you to stop. If you do not stop, I will ask you to leave. If you don't leave when I ask I will the house immediately.


I would also start putting money away... in a place he can't get it... just in case.

And I would start attending al-anon meetings or something so I would have a strong support network around me for when sh-t hits the fan. Because if it's cocaine or meth... sh-t will hit the fan sooner or later. It's just a matter of time.
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Old 08-06-2010, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by msmelrem View Post
when he gets angry it is because of me being a real B* and that's when we get into our yelling outbursts...but doesn't other marriages have that too? ...... I fear confronting him because I do not know how he will react.
These words ring warning bells to me. I was in an abusive marriage when I was young and for a long time I took the blame for my XH anger. I would also rather not confront him about anything out of fear. When I finally realised that my behaviour had nothing to do with his anger and that he got angry with whoever was in front of him, I got the perspective to know what to do.
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Old 08-07-2010, 06:09 PM
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I disagree with a "wait and see" mentality on this. With a child involved, that takes it out of that realm and into another.

I also agree that it sounds like meth, but I can't say for sure (none of us really can, but we can try to help you narrow it down). If he crashes for days at a time after sleepless nights, then I would bet on meth.

I'm also a proponent of drug testing, (again) especially if children are involved. If it helps YOU hit YOUR co-dependent bottom, then I'm not against it in any way, shape or form, but it has to be for YOU. Addicts will lie to your face when given evidence such as a drug test. So, it won't be to make HIM see what he's doing, but for you to confirm what you already suspect.

What is your objective with confronting the person? And what makes you think this person will tell you the truth? If they are dealing, they certainly don't want to lose their income nor do they want to put themselves in a position to be arrested. So, keep that in mind.

Are there more things you have found? cut up straws, a good amount of plastic baggies all over the place? Going through a lot of foil? Strange smells (from burning plastic to a cat-urine smell)? Strange pipes? Not that I'm telling you to go snoop, but once you realize what you're dealing with, things really start to add up (more often than not in retrospect).

Here is info on what a meth user "looks like":

How To Recognize the Signs of Meth Abuse

Someone else mentioned crack. Here is info on that as well: Crack Cocaine Use Symptom Signs

And cocaine: Cocaine Use Warning Signs of Cocaine Addiction Abuse

Good luck, hon. Take care of yourself and that little girl first and foremost.
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Old 08-07-2010, 11:26 PM
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Originally Posted by ZombieWife View Post
I disagree with a "wait and see" mentality on this.
I just want to clarify that I did not mean for her to wait and see what he does in reference to sticking around the chaos. I meant to not stress out about his words but to watch his actions. I have also mentioned that she protect herself, her assets and her family.
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Old 08-08-2010, 12:04 AM
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I would suggest to him through examples perhaps in a letter the specific behaviors so you can be clear. There is no gain in accusing him of doing drugs and he won't admit it anyway if he is in denial. However, if you can sit down with him and let him know you are concerned with his behaviors and his daughter being around his mood swings, he might be willing to at least go to counseling with you if he knows you will not tolerate the behaviors. I wouldn't confront the other person. That will just get messy. It is how you react that will ultimately set the stage for motivation for him to change how he is acting. It sounds like you both could use some communication skills to enhance your relationship. We don't come with manuals you know. ( ;
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:04 AM
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Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING View Post
I just want to clarify that I did not mean for her to wait and see what he does in reference to sticking around the chaos. I meant to not stress out about his words but to watch his actions. I have also mentioned that she protect herself, her assets and her family.
Gotcha, UR. I wasn't trying to condemn what you wrote there. Sorry if it came off that way. (hugs)
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:15 AM
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No problem Zombie..... didn't take it that way at all. Just wanted to clarify that I wasn't encouraging staying in the chaos. I would never recommend that to anyone.

((HUGS))
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Old 08-08-2010, 02:42 PM
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I would say it is more than obvious he is using again.

We do have drug testing in my relationship as an option. Both of us are recovering (me for 2 years, him for 9 years) and when we moved in together we have the stipulation that either of us can request a random test from the other at any time for any or for no reason at all. A positive test means we break up. A refusal to test counts as positive in our world. This is just something we agreed on because neither of us wants to be around active addiction. I think for us, it helps keep us honest. It is a deterrent for us. I don't think it works for most people. It's just that we know both of us are capable of relapse at any time, if we don't remain vigilant. It's an awful, awful disease. Get out if you can, or at least start attending alanon and reading all you can if you decide to stay.

Love,
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Old 08-10-2010, 12:25 PM
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I have learned so much this past weekend about drugs, and I have spoken with counselors, interventionist, and really am blessed that one of his very close cousins is a behavioral psychiatrist who is willing to facilitate an intervention. I am more convinced now that it's cocaine...bloody nose? jaw popping? irritated? and this time I wasn't being a B*tch. It was this Sat. morning, when I woke up from a nice little nap, I see his eyes in rage, started accusing me of sleeping with other people. I said really? Smiling at him, because I know that all I have is faithful to him, and I also know that that's what drugs do...they become paranoid. (yes I've been doing my homework), so I kinda played with his High. I told him, to be careful leaving and where he's going the cops maybe following him and his friend...whom he always calls when he needs it. He has no clue that I have a GPS on him, I have tracked all his calls and voicemails...and really, I don't see the need anymore for playing CSI. That's not what my life is about. He was so angry at me Saturday morning, he was telling me that he couldn't stand me, couldn't trust me, that I need to stay away from him. So I did. I know it's the drugs talking. I again, consulted with his cousin who advised me that it's time to gather up all those who matter to him, and we are going to meet to talk about our approach. My husband is not a weak person, he is very strong physically, and high strung. He has a very very tough exterior, but I know that with the people he loves around, he will break. I am just collecting more ammo. Since he's the bread earner, and he got paid last Friday, I demanded that he gives me a portion of his money before it all goes away (to drugs)...and I hid it in a safe spot. He was so angry at me for taking his money, and I told him that we needed to start saving up, and for some reason we never get to save. I have also found a temporary place for my daughter and I to go to in case things get out of hand during the intervention, and it's a good location for my daughter's schooling and my work. I am doing my best to not change her schedule and her life. She loves her step-dad so much, it hurts. Friday night, I could tell he was already withdrawing but he did all he could to put a sweet front to my daughter and took her shopping, played with her, taught her how to paint her desk, and my daughter is just clueless. I still trust him with my life, I don't trust him with his life. I wish he would respect his life and start loving his life. It's just now that I have to really start up my plan and sticking with my plan. It's tough love. I want my marriage to work and be happy in it, I have to do this for us. Thank you so much for all the insights, please pray for a safe and successful intervention.
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Old 08-10-2010, 12:42 PM
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I kinda played with his High.
Just a word of caution. I am a recovering cocaine addict and my ex is a cocaine addict and I know many many many cocaine addicts. I was in the scene for many years. It's very scary what a cocaine addict will do when pushed or toyed with. They don't back down.

The temptation to do this is great. But don't be niave. You need to be very very cautious when dealing with a paranoid, angry person on cocaine. Take their threats seriously because they are serious when they make them. They aren't sane. People who are high on uppers or anphetimines are prone to violence - even if it's not part of their normal character. Cocaine/Meth make you very INSANE. Many women here can attest that they never thought their significant other would hurt them... until it happened.

Better to just get out of his way. An addict can snap into violence very quickly.

If he threatens you, take his threats seriously and call the police. if you don't, there is a good chance you will regret it.
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Old 08-10-2010, 02:13 PM
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[QUOTE=msmelrem;2675930]I still trust him with my life, I don't trust him with his life. I want my marriage to work and be happy in it, I have to do this for us. QUOTE]

If you don't trust him with his life, how can you trust him with yours and your daughter's?

"I wish he would respect his life and start loving his life."
He also needs to respect you. He he cannot start loving his life, he is not fully capable of loving you, at least, not now.

"It's just now that I have to really start up my plan and sticking with my plan. It's tough love.

I think you've made a remarkable turn around in a really short amount of time and are taking all the right steps to insure you and your daughter's safety. Many of us struggle for months/years before we can finally get 'tough'.

I am relatively new here and am just learning how to deal with my AS. My ex is also an addict, but he's not in the picture now. It is painful, but we have to do what we have to do for us and , as so many others have said, 'not be dragged down'. I am so proud of you for not blaming yourself and taking affirmative actions for you and your daughter's well being.
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Old 08-11-2010, 08:17 AM
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Thank you. It is more difficult to do than to say. However, I keep saying it over and over in my head, that it's now an act. He's now going through the sleep and the tired symptoms. And again, I asked for more money to put aside for savings. It's really for emergency reasons. And he willingly gave me the money.

I am cautious with the violence, my godsister was killed by her husband who was on meth. So I am very very cautious. That is why i'm glad he leaves the house when he's hot and in rage. Thank you for that reminder.
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