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wife and mother...

Old 07-18-2010, 04:21 AM
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wife and mother...

This is my very first post on this forum...I know what I should do, and just need to talk. My husband of 15 years has had an addiction to alcohol since I have known him, and an addiction to crack for the last 5 years. June 16 2009, he went to treatment and got help and was sober for an entire year, which was the longest he has ever been sober since I have known him which has been 19 years. 3 weeks ago he started using again. and has every week since then, he has said nasty stuff to me and about me during this time. During the year, we got closer and he got closer to his kids. Yes, we have kids almost 15 and 12, a boy and a girl. He would tell me how happy he was and how close we all had gotten, on an almost daily basis. And now the nasty stuff he is saying about me. (I listened to a conversation between him and some others after I called him and he failed to hang up the phone.) I just don't understand this, he always has an excuse and always blames someone else for his using. And I am usually the one being blamed, my weight, my clothes, money ect...he still works, and makes good money, the scary part if all this is he is a truck driver. All it would take would be a UA through his work and he would have no job...he has told me he is leaving again, its the second time in 3 weeks he has done so. He is one of the sickest people I have ever met. He has left me with EVERY bill that we have, and there is no way I am going to be able to pay these bills on my salary, if they were spaced out maybe, but, not the way it looks now. And to make things worse, my son has started cutting himself over this. The pain is just too great. All of the promises and trust is gone, and I pity him, but, I love him. Listen to me, can you believe that? He is a good man when he is sober, and he has said the only reason he is alive
today is because of the 3 of us...I know that within a year he will be have lost his job, gotten seriously hurt, or will have lost his job, if he does not get the help, whether he is with us or not. I am ashamed of myself for taking him back over and over and over, and even begging him to come back, I am really going to need courage this time or he will be back. We went to family counseling while he was in treatment, and it was nice, and I am going to take the 3 of us back starting next week, I can't afford it, but, it just has to be done. I really hope that this made sense and there are those out there that have had similar experiences that they can share, I need to know it is going to be ok...thanks for letting me talk.
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Old 07-18-2010, 06:26 AM
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phoebe,

welcome to sober recovery forum. this site helped me through the most difficult time in my life and has been a lifeline. i hope we can help you.

we understand that you have given him numerous chances, we understand that you love him like crazy, we understand the shame that goes with it. we also understand that the power this stuff has over you CAN be eradicated.

right now, you need to focus on taking care of your children, and BEING THERE for them. can your son get some professional help? he really really needs it; these things don't just go away, even if the cutting does stop.
can you create a safe and peaceful home for the three of you? you will not experience that unless and until your husband has turned things around and has a good stretch of clean time under his belt.
even if he stops using right now this minute, that's just not long enough. with your teenage children, the stakes are too high.

i know you didn't ask for advice - i hope it's ok that i said what i did
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Old 07-18-2010, 10:30 AM
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phoebe - i haven't been here long, but i have been dealing with my addict son for 8 years - i know you will get help from the wise people here at SR - just reading through the comments for others will help as well - take care of your kids first and foremost - you only have this time to help them through this - they won't wait until you get a handle on it and they certainly won't wait until their father has things under control - prayers will be with you as you find your way
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Old 07-18-2010, 12:41 PM
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(((Phoebe))) - welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for what has brought you here, but if you read around, you will find out you're not alone. It was sad, but comforting, to me when I first got here.

I'm glad you and your kids are going into counseling.

BTW, I'm a recovering crack addict, as well as someone who has loved ones who are addicts. Crack can bring him down hard, and fast. You may want to talk to a lawyer (many give free consults) about what you can do, legally, to protect yourself and your kids. There's a good chance that he can ruin you, financially and it's good to know your options.

Please keep reading and posting..we're here for you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Last edited by Dee74; 07-18-2010 at 05:06 PM. Reason: by request
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Old 07-18-2010, 12:52 PM
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phobe38

I see no shame in trying to make something work.

Lets look at you guys. He is an adult who decided to pickup. You didn't put a gun to his head so that is all him.

You can control where you live and who your kids are around. Would you be giving up physical things, yes. What is more important the health of the kids of the phycial things?

The bills,,, If you are the kids aren't safe or healthy what good does having that bill paid?

Noting says you can't pay it later but take care of business now. It 100% sucks to be in this position but think of it being like a deer in the road. Time to act.

My prayers are with you !
AG
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:03 PM
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(((Phoebe)))

I'm so glad you're able to see clearly enough right now to make you and your kids your top priority.

Have you ever been to al-anon, or the kids to al-ateen? That would be free, and all three of you could get the kind of support that you can only get from being face to face with people who have been where you are. You could also try nar-anon. I just mention al-anon first because it seems like they are more prominent, at least in my area, and it's pretty much the same program.
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:10 PM
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There is a clear message in your post--your husbands disease is affecting your children. Is this fair to your children? Your courage should come from putting your children first, they should be your priorty.

What are you accomplishing by letting him come back? Nothing.

It is up to you to stop the insanity. Make plans to move forward with your life, for the innocent victims of your codependency and his addiction...your children...do it for them!
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Old 08-06-2010, 05:14 PM
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WOW thanks so much guys, I have been working on myself and my kids on themselves...daily, hour by hour, minute by minute...We are still struggling, but, its getting easier. He comes around, drunk, and I hate that...so I call the police everytime. I will never put up with being blamed for his addiction again. There will always be an excuse, and he will always push blame on my shortcomings, nevermind all of the years I have believed that he can change, and being a shoulder for him to cry on. I do still love him so very much, even through everything...but, I cannot watch him kill himself anymore. This last month has been the worst time of our 19 year relationship, 15 married. And it is the crack, not just the alcohol,he cannot do one without the other anymore. I have never seen such a sad sick person before. It is unbelievable that he still has a job. and he drives a semi for a living. I know this will not last either,it is just a matter of time before that is gone. We have been to a couple of Alanon/Alateen meetings and are trying to find a fit for us, and we are seeing a counselor, with the treatment center where he got help a year ago, wonderful people that truly care. It will be a long time to gain trust,if he ever gets sober again, but right now he is out of his mind, literally, and he is getting scary. Thats why I don't want him around. Being on here helps so much. Thanks again everyone, talking about it sure helps, and thanks for listening....We will be just fine...:0)
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Old 08-06-2010, 06:49 PM
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phoebe
Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with an addicted husband. It hurts and we understand the pain, the anxiety, and the confusion that goes along with loving an addict. It really sounds like you are doing all of the things you can to get your life (and the kid's lives) in order. It takes a great deal of strength and courage. You should be very proud of yourself for having that strength and courage.

We all experience good days....and then there are the really really bad ones.....just take them one day at a time. After a bad day, the next day always seems to be a little brighter. Look for the beauty in life.....it's there.

gentle hugs and welcome again to SR
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Old 08-06-2010, 07:38 PM
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Phoebe, thank you for posting your story on this site. It is very important for you to have others who have been through the same things as you to share the pain with. Addcition hurts the entire family, there's no doubt about that. I've been living with addiction since I was born. It's very painful to watch the ones we love killing themselves. In my family, I lost my mother due to alcohol, and my brother from heroin and cocaine, addiction. You are definitely doing the right thing by getting therapy for you and your children. As far as your husband goes, the phrase that Ann on this site told me was, LET GO OR BE DRAGGED. It sounds like your finally letting go. GOOD FOR YOU.
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Old 08-06-2010, 07:44 PM
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Phoebe...only telling you this to share that you are not alone! I am almost exactly where you are right now, only my AH won't leave. I have put $ down on a lawyer and am working through that in hopes, but it will likely be months before we are physically apart. I too have been with AH for 19 years - we have been married 17 going on 18. He used to be an awesome husband, but he too had alcohol issues (that gradually grew out of control)...and now I've been dealing with his drug use for 5 years too. I'm sick and tired of it all. My AH is sick too. It is just sickening watching the jeckle and hyde behavior. So sorry you are going through this too and it breaks my heart about your son. I hope the help you are all recieving is making a difference for him too.
Take care.
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:25 PM
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awwwww Phoebe. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You sound like a great woman and I'm glad that you are reaching out. This is a great site and I hope that you will keep coming.

Just wanted to welcome you and let you know that I am thinking about you.
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Old 08-07-2010, 07:28 PM
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You know, it is amazing how so many of us go through the same things. It gives me hope that others have made it through, although not unscathed, but, made it through all of the anger, pain & resentment. It gives me hope. I have been talking non stop to my kids since this has happened, I KNOW they are getting tired of hearing me talk...:0) But, thats ok since I don't plan on stopping. lol I am trying so hard to move on, and let go. I keep thinking of the last year if his sobriety, and how good it was. The best year of our entire 19 year relationship. Just to see it go south so quickly,and wonder what the Hell happened. Then I realized that addiction happened. I am extremely happy that I found this forum, and people who have gone through the same things that I have. I find this in Alanon meetings too, but,I can sit on my couch watch a movie and chat about my experiences and ask for advise. That in itself is AMAZING!! Thanks so much for your support, now when I am feeling down, I can just pop on and talk about it, and when I am doing good, I can do the same. You guys are fantastic!!!
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Old 08-07-2010, 08:00 PM
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you are doing what I have done.....face to face combined with SR. It's awesome to have somewhere to turn 24/7. There is always someone that will write you back and has experience, strength, and hope to share.

It is hard not to live in the past but all we really have is today. Keep on keeping on!
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:34 AM
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(((hugs))). Welcome. I'm so glad you are here.

And I'm sorry that you are in such a spot. Don't worry about the bills. In the big picture, what really matters is you and your children. For me, what I find helpful is to make a list of priorities and then focus on the items on the list one at a time. Safety. Food. Shelter. Electricity. Phone. etc. etc. Credit card companies should be way down at the bottom of the list. I also find it helpful to write out my goals (because I tend to forget them so quickly) and write out my Personal boundaries so I am clear with myself about what I am doing and why I am doing it. Personal boundaries are for you. They list the kinds of behavior you will allow around you and your children and what you will do if someone violates your boundaries.

Crack cocaine is so nasty. My ex is a crack addict and I was hooked on it for many years. You are in no way responsible for his bad choices to start using again. He has all the tools he needs to stay clean and sober but he is not willing for whatever reason, to use them. He CHOSE to pick up again (and once you start using crack it takes a train wreck to get you to stop - every relapse makes it worse too). But that was his choice, not a fluke. He knew full well what he was doing. And you cannot make him change.

One day at a time... and you will get through this. And by doing so, you be an example to your children of strength and perserverence. You will also teach your children that when it comes to your family, drugs will not be tolerated.
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Old 08-08-2010, 06:46 AM
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Good for you Phoebe! Stay strong and keep reading here at SR. I'm new to this site too and it has helped me immensely! I know I would have done everything wrong without it!

Big hugs and prayers for you and your family! :o)
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:19 PM
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SR has given me the hope that things can get better...I hate the situation I am in..I am having a hard time sleeping,and coping, especially at night when it gets quiet, thats when my heart starts to leap out of my chest,and I cannot breathe,if I could just get a good nights sleep, I might be able to have a clearer head about everything. Please pray I get some sleep. I have only had about 10 hours in the last 6 nights. I wish he could live one night in my body or the kids' bodies, he would never drink/use again.
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