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Can't breathe...

Old 08-08-2010, 03:53 AM
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Can't breathe...

I have posted my story on here...I thought I was doing fine. I woke up a couple of hours ago, I can't sleep, and I am crying uncontrollably...I miss him so much. He had year of sobriety and things were fantastic. And then over a month ago he started up again. What makes this so hard is the fact that I know how close we can be. This last week was the worst of it all, he came home to get his stuff drunk, (he cleaned out the garage). Since then he has gone to a meeting and went to the treatment center that helped him get clean (he went on an outpatient basis) We have been struggling with his addiction for 19 years. He has told me he wants a seperation and possibly a divorce, he has told me that I have corrupted his mind for the last 19 years...which I know isn't true. I have supported him emotionally for 19 years. I know that I am not without fault with some of the marital problems, but, I am definitely not the fault of his drinking/using. And to make matters worse he is living with his mother, who has been divorced 3 times and feels that,that is the solution for everything. I know I must leave...but,it is so damn hard,especially after the year of sobriety,and seeing just how good it can be. And combined with the fact that he doesn't want me after loving him, crying with him, supporting him (emotionally) etc...just really hurts. It just seems I have wasted 19 years of my life. He hasn't talked to me since Wed, only texts and yesterday was his 43rd birthday...he spent it with his mother. I am just hurting so bad inside right now. The kids and I had a nice evening after a day of crying, and were upbeat,and then I wake up after only 2 hours of sleep and start crying and cannot stop. Why do I want him back? I am scared of being by myself, and being able to make a living for me and my kids. I have never been alone and I have never been with anyone else both sexually and relationship...this is just so hard. I know I sound so pathetic...
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Old 08-08-2010, 05:31 AM
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Ann
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The pain you feel right now is grief, Phoebe, and it is something most of us have to walk through to get to a better place. It hurts right down to our soul and it feels like it will never end and our world will never be okay again...but I promise you that it will, in time.

He uses, he blames you...getting him back would not be the prize here, it would only prolong the agony.

You haven wasted 19 years, you have lived them, shared life with your family and children, and hopefully learned from them.

We cannot change the past, but the future is whatever we choose to make of it. We can repeat our past mistakes and learn the lessons all over again...or we can walk through the grief and then prepare for wonderful new beginnings, a little wiser for the journey.

Sending big hugs because you sound like you need them. Just keep taking those happy breaks away from the pain, and one day you will wake up and find that the world is a beautiful place once more.

Hugs
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Old 08-08-2010, 05:38 AM
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(((((Phoebe)))))

First, let me say WELCOME to Sober Recovery. I am glad that you have found us, but sorry that you had to.

Now, first I will say that I am a 'double winner.' I have been sober and clean for over 29 years and in Al-Anon over 26 years for my co-dependent problems, lol I have been walking this road a LONG time, lmao

When he said those awful things to you, please remember that in his mind you are getting between him and his mistresxs (alcohol). Alcohol, (King Alcohol or Queen Alcohol) becomes one's MASTER. The whole life revolves around ALCOHOL. How much is left, do I have money for more, how do I get more, where do I get more.

I know, "been there, done that, and have the T-shirt" to prove it. Almost died, nope I did die, literally, but was given a second chance. I won't go into right now, why at 3 years sober I started attending Al-Anon in addition to AA, but it was STRONGLY suggested by my AA sponsor, rofl and by then I did follow directions most of the time.

Again, I do no wish these type of situations on my worse enemy, however, there are some things that you can do for you and the children, to have 'normalcy' in your life.

First, Tomorrow, Monday, start calling around for a Lawyer, many of them have that 'first hour' or first half hour' as 'free,' and you can get a LOT of information without signing a 'retainer' form right now. Oh not necessarily for a divorce, but to cover your butt. Get a legal separation so that the Court Orders 'child support' while y'all are ''legally' separated.

Now, many of us in your position, have tried Al-Anon, checking out at least 6 meetings before deciding whether Al-Anon might be able to help us. We too, here at SR, will also support you to the best of our ability. The nice thing about Al-Anon is, its a pretty good chance that you will run into others that have been where you are now, and/or are where you are now. If you can just get out the words:

"I NEED HELP" and nothing more at your first meeting, you will find a group of folks that will envelope you in their 'fold' and walk with you down this road, whether it leads eventually to divorce or reconciliation.

I don't know if you have heard about the 3 C's:

You didn't [B]CAUSE[B] this.

You can't CONTROL this,

and

You can't CURE this.

What your H did is not uncommon. I cannot count the number of folks I have seen get a year, or 14 months, 16 months, 18 months, etc, seem to be doing good ........................ and they start drinking again. Now I won't lie to you, I don't know how many do make it back and find sobriety for the rest of their lives but it is goodly amount. Those that do make it, seem to want sobriety more than they want to drink, and to find that desire to be sober can be stifled by King Alcohol and one's 'warped' reality while under the influence.

I would also suggest that if you feel you need some One On One Counseling, to call around to find someone who 'specializes' in 'Addiction' and 'Co-dependency' and who works on a 'sliding fee' basis.

Right now, your are dealing with some great hurt and it will take time to get thought it. You can come here, rant, rave, yell, scream, cry, and yes even laugh. We have been there, and we will walk with you in spirit. Unfortunately, while dealing with your own emotional and well being, you also have to be there for your children. Depending on their age, I would suggest Ala-Teen for them. There they will find 'peers' of their own age, learning how to get through have a parent that is an alcoholic/addict.

(((((Phobe))))) please feel free to come and post as often as you feel the need. We do understand. You are free to vent, ask questions, rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes even laugh. There are lots of great folks here that will help you to the best of their ability by sharing what happened to them and what they have done and are doing to get back to a fairly 'normal', 'joyous', 'serene', and 'free'.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:02 AM
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It always helped me through some of the more desperate and struggling times to break things down into little pieces. When I caught myself "future tripping," worried about all the many tomorrows, I would say the Serenity Prayer a loud over and over to get me back to today. Each today added up and when I look back through all those todays that I have worked a recovery program, I see that the horrible things I worried about never happened and that I lived and laughed and loved and grew in recovery.

The grief is perfectly understandable and normal...just please understand as Ann and Laurie said that he is just quacking and this is not about you. He knows you won't support his addiction any longer so that addiction is telling you ha does not want you.

I hope you were able to get some sleep. Hugs
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:05 AM
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Phoebe- "it just seems I have wasted 19 years of my life."

Of course it seems like this to you now. You are going through an amazing amount of grief and anxiety. It's so confusing to live with an A if you don't have the tools to detach. It's like living IN the rabbit hole!

I spent 10 years with Mr. Sofa, and like all of us here, I enabled him the whole time. Only to end up feeling like the victim. In the end....he chose his addiction, he chose not to get help, and keeps living "the lie".

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but separating from Him is going to be the best thing for you and the life you are about to live.

You didn't waste those years, the way I see it....it took Me 10 years of struggling with someone else's addiction to finally take a look into my own cracked mirror. I realize now, that I have been struggling in one way or another with unhealthy relationships my whole life.

The words being "gunned" at you are the words of an addict. Mr. Sofa did this to me many times. He is a drug addict, yet somehow I would always walk away feeling like I was the one with the problem. When all was said and done...I came to realize that I do have a problem. I am a codependent.

Try to take this one day at a time. This is your own recovery, your own journey and a path to have a life you deserve for yourself. It is going to take some time. You are enmeshed, as we all have been (or still are). It will take some time to get yourself back. But you will get there, and we all will be here with you helping you along the way.

((((( BIG SOFACAT HUGS TO YOU )))))



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Old 08-08-2010, 07:20 AM
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My brother was a drinker, for about 15 years. It was like a merry go round; recovery, messing up, repeat. He always thought that a new place would change things. Wrong. My guess is that the situation with your husband's mother will go bad after a little while. He'll probably run her into the ground. My bro has done it to my mom, except for the last year or two. Hey, it's gonna be hard right now, no doubt about it. Nothing is a waste. I'm sure there were good times in those 19 years, and some valuable lessons. You don't sound pathetic, and you aren't pathetic. You have to be strong now. I think you answered your own question when you asked why do you want him back. It's because you don't want to be by yourself. You have some choices to make. I think time away is good right now. There's nothing in your situation to make him break the cycle.
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:33 AM
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Phoebe, change is difficult. Especially after 19 years. But it sounds like the last 19 years have been really difficult too. The good news is you get to choose what the next 19 years looks like for you. It's completely up to you. You can't change him. You can't fix him. But you can fix you. You can work on you. You can protect your children from crack addiction.

Future tripping and worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet or things we can't control can destroy us. And repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over and over again can provide serenity. (I know I'm just repeating what others have said, but those posts above mine are very wise and bear repeating.)

Staying in the present and focusing on the the small things that we can do to improve our lives is so productive. And for me anyway, being productive makes me feel better. Baby steps help. Lists help. Goals help. Boundaries help. Meetings help. Counseling helps. Coming here helps.

Hang in there. I know it is scary but things will get better FOR YOU. There is a saying in recovery circles - "don't quit before the miracle."

Not his miracle - Your own miracle.
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:07 AM
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I'm so sorry, hon. But, if he's still trying to blame you for some of this, he's not in recovery. He's just spinning his wheels.
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:13 PM
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Thanks to all of you. I am so glad I have found you. I am doing better, and when it is a work day I can throw myself into work and not worry so much...Its the nights that really get to me. Even with the kids around, I feel so lonely. And that is why I am here...for the companionship, and the help in getting through this hard time. And now it is night again, and I can feel the anxiety again. I am not sure if I have said this already, but, I have never been alone before, I have only lived by myself for 6 months and then we moved in together. My kids are here, and that is the only reason I am getting through this. They are my saviours. I try to be strong for them, and even that is hard. I have said some mean and hurtful things to him, in front of them, and I am ashamed of that. Terribly ashamed. I am seeing a therapist for that and other things. I hate myself for that. I just have so much pent up anger...and I don't want to carry that over to my kids. Thanks so much for all of your support.
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:14 PM
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I'm right there with you and it's hard. So, so hard. I've had too many sleepless nights and the pain is endless. As I mentioned in your other thread, I have also been with my AH 19 years and some months - we are due to have an 18th anniversary in about a month and a half. He is the only person I have been with and have been with him almost my entire adult life! This is not easy...it is incredibly hard. I think for me the acceptance part was the hardest, lots of things to accept. But most of all I am accepting that I no longer want to live this way. I don't want to be the created "scapegoat" for another person's issues. I don't want to be a wife treated with constant disrespect. I can't believe who my husband has become - he was a great guy a few years ago. But he made a choice to use drugs and it is destroying his life, whether he see that or not. And I've had to accept that it is destroying mine too! It sucks to be doing all the things an adult person should be doing, working, taking care of my kids, etc, etc., yet be facing losing sooo much. I hate every bit of this situation, but I'm starting to see a light for myself at the end of some long tunnel and I keep focusing on that. We have to learn how to take care of ourselves. I went for a pedicure one saturday and left him with thie kids and it felt so good. I'm thinking of joining a gym - anything to start getting the focus off of him and on to me. I can only change me, I can only make MY life better. It hurts to think I have to move on without him, but for my sanity I really need to. I haven't done it yet. The only thing I've done so far is hire a lawyer, and boy was that hard. But I'm taking small steps in a new direction and I'm finding myself getting stronger.

****{HUGS}}} to you. I know what you are going through.
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Old 08-08-2010, 07:25 PM
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Thank you angelstory...Its so weird that we are going through the same thing, been married or been together with our AH the same length of time and that they both started using drugs 5 years ago. There is a reason we have met. Good for you that you are taking a step towards freeing yourself from him. You are what I strive to become.
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Old 08-08-2010, 08:18 PM
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Phoebe, you don't sound pathetic at all. It's very upsetting when a marriage is suffering, and the person you love is not with you. It's frightening when you don't know if you will be able to support your kids. I'm sorry your hurting right now, but it's only normal.
Remember this, what doesn't kill us, will make us stronger. Your husband really needs to work on himself and his drug problem, before he can be a good husband and father. It's sad but true. I sure hope his mother isn't enabling him. Do you think he ran there so he can use drugs and get over on his mom? You will have some ups and downs for a while, but you will heal from this. Just think of the poor wife that can't get her addict spouse out, while he continues to use and abuse in front of the children. This could be a blessing in disguise. You just can't see it yet. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.
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