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AH is going to rehab-shouldn't I be happy?

Old 09-03-2009, 07:46 PM
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AH is going to rehab-shouldn't I be happy?

So, my AH is going to rehab... impatient for the 3rd time. For some reason, I just am not that happy. The only thing I am happy about is that I don't have to deal with him for 30 days! Isn't that a horrible way to think??? He made all the calls and set everything up himself but I still feel like the only reason he is going is because he is afraid our marriage will be over if he doesn't go (not like we have much of a marriage right now anyway). I still feel like he has had NO CONSEQUENCES for his behavior. If he has had no consequences what will make him change?!?! He hasn't lost his job, his family, he has no financial difficulty and he has never had to pay for rehab himself. It is just nuts.

His Mom is once again stepping in to pay for rehab, this time over $8,000.00... She is only paying as long as he goes to counseling sessions with her after he gets out. I am sorry, but could someone tell me if it is a little strange that my husband is going to a therapist with his mother??? HE IS 30 YEARS OLD! For goodness sake, they are not married! It is his MOTHER! UGH!

Anyway, I am not sure if I want to stay married or not. I don't know if I am even in love with him anymore and I just want to MOVE ON with my life. There is just SO MUCH damage that has been done to our relationship and marriage. In the last five years he has been to treatment 4 times! I just am so hopeless. Why will this time will be any different??

I am planning on working on setting boundaries for when he gets out. I really don't want him living here and I think he thinks everything is going to be perfect and all roses when he gets out.

Anyway, I know I am bouncing around, I just have a whole bunch going on upstairs and really need to sort things out. I really am just looking forward to 30 days with no AH.

Thanks for listening/reading as always.

:praying

Daisy
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Old 09-03-2009, 08:01 PM
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Originally Posted by daisylady View Post
The only thing I am happy about is that I don't have to deal with him for 30 days! Isn't that a horrible way to think???

Absolutely not. You are entitled to peace. It's time for you to reflect and think without the chaos of his addiction.

I still feel like he has had NO CONSEQUENCES for his behavior. If he has had no consequences what will make him change?!?! He hasn't lost his job, his family, he has no financial difficulty and he has never had to pay for rehab himself. It is just nuts.

Dealing with an addiction in itself is a consequence. All addicts don't need an eye opening experience to make the decision to change.

His Mom is once again stepping in to pay for rehab, this time over $8,000.00... She is only paying as long as he goes to counseling sessions with her after he gets out. I am sorry, but could someone tell me if it is a little strange that my husband is going to a therapist with his mother??? HE IS 30 YEARS OLD! For goodness sake, they are not married! It is his MOTHER! UGH!

He must have issues with his mother which leads him to addiction. He can't cope with something that could be connected to the relationship he had with his mother and continues to have. Addiction affects ALL involved with the addict. Even though he is 30, he is still her son. Just the fact that she is paying $8,000 for his rehab stay says a lot. If he fails, she feels disappointed. It's all connected. It may also be good for his mother to go to therapy. If she's an enabler, she may learn something about herself.

Why will this time will be any different??

I'm sorry there are no guarantees. Please read "Reclaim Your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. It may help with your decision or at least help with understanding your frustrations.

Thanks for listening/reading as always.

No problem... that's what we are here for.

Daisy
Remember to take care of yourself while he is gone.
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Old 09-03-2009, 08:14 PM
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Yeah, his Mom thing is a bigger issue, she does need counseling but I think she needs to fix HER first. She got completely wasted a few months ago, called him to ask him to drive her to the bar (he was sober at the time and I was expecting our baby). So, he went to go pick her up to drive her to bar and she freaked out, hit him when he tried to stop her from driving drunk and told him she hated him and he ruined her life. Lots of baggage there and she is still creating it. I mean, I am not perfect, but I am a Mom and I don't think I could ever tell my son I hate him. I feel like she is paying because she feels guilty. I would rather get a loan than to take her money because she will ALWAYS throw it in our faces-but it is his choice not mine-his mother-he has to deal with it... I am just not a real big fan of hers for MANY other reasons as well. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, I just know WAY too much about her. He lies and manipulates and he has learned from the BEST....

I know there are no guarantees with addiction... I just don't know if I still want to be married with that on the table.

I am trying to take care of me-getting stronger every day!

Thanks! :ghug3
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Old 09-03-2009, 09:04 PM
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"His Mom is once again stepping in to pay for rehab, this time over $8,000.00... She is only paying as long as he goes to counseling sessions with her after he gets out. I am sorry, but could someone tell me if it is a little strange that my husband is going to a therapist with his mother??? HE IS 30 YEARS OLD! For goodness sake, they are not married! It is his MOTHER! UGH!"

"He must have issues with his mother which leads him to addiction.
He can't cope with something that could be connected to the relationship he had with his mother and continues to have. Addiction affects ALL involved with the addict. Even though he is 30, he is still her son. Just the fact that she is paying $8,000 for his rehab stay says a lot. If he fails, she feels disappointed. It's all connected. It may also be good for his mother to go to therapy. If she's an enabler, she may learn something about herself. "


I couldn't help but cringe at this...her issues may just be dealing with an addicted son. His issues are his to own and right now, that issue is his addiction.

Us parents need the same learning curve as the spouse or significant other when it comes to dealing with addiction. Does she enable him? Probably yes, but I'm sure she's willing to spend the money because she hopes and prays that this may be his time.

No one can make him go to counseling, but I have a feeling that she's trying to play her last card in the hopes that something will change.

Trust me, dealing with addiction brings out the weird in all of us parents.

I wish he and you the best and hope that his time to change is now.
(((Hugs)))
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Old 09-03-2009, 09:07 PM
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Whew ! I just reread some of your posts. This one sounds very much like the one you wrote 2.5 years ago. It sounds like when nothing changes, nothing changes.

He has been doing what addicts do. You have been doing what co-dependents do.

You can't change him. Are you going to do anything different, this time, to change the outcome?
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Old 09-03-2009, 09:35 PM
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His Mom is a huge problem in our marriage and always has been. I could go on and on and on about the things that she has done long before her son ever had a drug addiction.

Anyway, you are right-nothing changes if nothing changes. I want to file for divorce but his therapist BEGGED me not to, she told me it wouldn't be good for him because she thought he wouldn't go to rehab if I filed.

I know I need to move on with my life and I guess I am in denial about how codependent I still am.
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Old 09-03-2009, 10:29 PM
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your mil sounds a lot like mine. just like my ah's addiction belongs to him so does his mother's co dependant ways belong to her. i do understand how you feel. i have felt as if i was in competition with my mil from day 1. i also think maybe their relationship is kind of based on guilt from his childhood and that in itself along with his addiction has brought much added stress to our marriage.

i had to separate myself from the both of them for my own peace and sanity. for yrs. i had a lot of anger towards her. i guess i wanted to be in control of their actions, too, i guess i thought i knew what was best for everyone.
someone told me once that i couldn't change other people but i can change my attitude toward other people, and this helped me to past my anger.

i'm sorry you are going through all of this and i'm glad your ah is going to rehab. even though thats a good thing, you still have to do what is best for you. i pray that he makes it this time and i pray that he continues focus on taking care of you.
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Old 09-04-2009, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by cece1960 View Post

I couldn't help but cringe at this...her issues may just be dealing with an addicted son. His issues are his to own and right now, that issue is his addiction.

This is true to a certain extent. His issues are his own and that's his addiction, however, his addiction affects everyone entangled with him, including his mother. And in reading the hx between the two they both seem like co-dependents that feed off each other. Otherwise, I wouldn't have made such a direct statement. I agree, not all addict's mother's are THE issue. But in this case, the relationship sounds toxic and one that is embedded with many emotional roots.

Us parents need the same learning curve as the spouse or significant other when it comes to dealing with addiction. Does she enable him? Probably yes, but I'm sure she's willing to spend the money because she hopes and prays that this may be his time.

True indeed. Thus, the reason she keeps helping. That hope we all hang onto in hoping our addicts change and get help. This will still be heartbreaking though when her son doesn't follow through this time. Often times, in therapy, the focus is all on the addict while families, spouses, children are left to suffer on their own. I look at both perspectives of the fence. Even though families, spouses, ect. much detach HIS issue of addiction has consumed the lives of others.

(((Hugs)))
Addiction robs us all. WE (the co-addicts) need to find a way to escape without losing our minds.
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Old 09-04-2009, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post

if you want to move on past this relationship don't let anyone talk or manipulate you into staying. Nothing you do or say will alter the outcome of his addiction.
amen cynical!!
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Old 09-04-2009, 08:29 AM
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You need to take care of YOU now. If that means a separation for you to get your head on straight, then do it. That therapist was WAY out of line to "beg"you to do anything!!

The best thing that can come of the therapy your MIL wants to be involved in is that the therapist will recognize immediately that she's a big part of the problem and will call her on it. Unfortunately, that will probably mean the end of her sessions!!

Enjoy your peace and quiet.
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Old 09-04-2009, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by daisylady View Post

Anyway, you are right-nothing changes if nothing changes. I want to file for divorce but his therapist BEGGED me not to, she told me it wouldn't be good for him because she thought he wouldn't go to rehab if I filed.
Sounds like this therapist used you to motivate him to do something he was not inclined to do, on his own. This probably feeds into your own co-dependency which is almost always rooted in control issues. At least my own are.

I am troubled by this therapist's approach.
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:29 AM
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When my daughter detoxed the first time, a very close friend of hers OD'd the same day. I knew she'd find out from friends so I asked the psychologist to please break the news to her. She was in a safe environment that could offer emotional support.

If it were me, I'd ask the counselor if she feels that rehab is unable to offer that kind of support in a safe environment.
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:43 AM
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Hi Daisylady.

AH is going to rehab-shouldn't I be happy?
Why do you think this should bring you happiness? You MAKE your own happiness, you can't get it from another person and another person cannot give it to you. It's YOUR job. So, no, you "shouldn't" be anything.

For some reason, I just am not that happy. The only thing I am happy about is that I don't have to deal with him for 30 days!
What do you think you should be that happy about? The fact that someone else is taking steps toward Recovery, whether fake steps or not? I'm glad you have found some happiness that you will have 30 days free of the chaos and difficulty. How much more happy would you like to be? If you'd like to be much more happy, then you will need to do much more for yourself.

Isn't that a horrible way to think???
No, that's not horrible. Do you realize you are judging yourself?


I still feel like the only reason he is going is because he is afraid our marriage will be over if he doesn't go.
What other reason would you like him to have to go to rehab? Do you want his life to completely fall apart? Recovery is a process. He may have to go to rehab for a whole slew of reasons before something sticks for him.

could someone tell me if it is a little strange that my husband is going to a therapist with his mother??? HE IS 30 YEARS OLD! For goodness sake, they are not married! It is his MOTHER! UGH!
Sounds strange to me, but not uncommon. For goodness sake, the last addicted person in my life is nearly 50 and his mother is still babying him and enabling him. It is weird, isn't it? when it seems your husband or significant other is married to his mother.

Anyway, I am not sure if I want to stay married or not. I don't know if I am even in love with him anymore and I just want to MOVE ON with my life.
Then move on. You're waiting on him, you're waiting to see if this time "works." Nothing "works" because it can't be fixed. Decide what is healthiest for YOU, regardless of his alcoholism.

I really am just looking forward to 30 days with no AH.
I'm with ya'. It is SO peaceful when they are gone!
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Old 09-04-2009, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by daisylady View Post
So, my AH is going to rehab... impatient for the 3rd time. For some reason, I just am not that happy. The only thing I am happy about is that I don't have to deal with him for 30 days! Isn't that a horrible way to think??? He made all the calls and set everything up himself but I still feel like the only reason he is going is because he is afraid our marriage will be over if he doesn't go (not like we have much of a marriage right now anyway). I still feel like he has had NO CONSEQUENCES for his behavior. If he has had no consequences what will make him change?!?! He hasn't lost his job, his family, he has no financial difficulty and he has never had to pay for rehab himself. It is just nuts.


Anyway, I am not sure if I want to stay married or not. I don't know if I am even in love with him anymore and I just want to MOVE ON with my life. There is just SO MUCH damage that has been done to our relationship and marriage. In the last five years he has been to treatment 4 times! I just am so hopeless. Why will this time will be any different??

I am planning on working on setting boundaries for when he gets out. I really don't want him living here and I think he thinks everything is going to be perfect and all roses when he gets out.

Anyway, I know I am bouncing around, I just have a whole bunch going on upstairs and really need to sort things out. I really am just looking forward to 30 days with no AH.
Daisy, I can relate to every one of these paragraphs. Reading them was almost like I was reading something I had written.

I know how you feel, being happy he will be gone for 30 days. I was happy too. I was even happy he was going to rehab, thought it would "change everything" NOT! While he's not using, (maybe a few times, not sure), and he acts better, not so much else has changed.

It's one year later for my AH out of rehab, and to this day, I still feel like he hasn't had any real consequences. I think this is partially because of my enabling, Damn it! He has lost a few jobs in the past, but that is about the extent of any consequences. I resent this, but I know I have to look at my part in it, the enabling him! ARGH!!

my mind - stay married/or not - still love him/or not - too much damage/or not - will it be different this time/or not? swirling round and round, looking for the "right" answers. Maybe I just need a new pair of glasses!

Set boundaries, and have the strength and courage to stick to them. This is where I seem to derail. I though I'd set boundaries, weak ones at best, and don't seem to follow through.

Every situation is different, but from here, not much has changed since my AH's rehab. It's been almost a year since he's came home. Don't know what I think is gonna be any different another year from now.
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:24 AM
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I'm new here, but I'm not new to the co-dependent thing... I wish there was aco-dependent union with retirement benefits!
I'm guessing at this, but I think recovery is like anything else in life... a person can hear the same information from a hundred sources but until it clicks with them they don't act on it. I think sometimes the right person (not necessarily a mate) can come along and say the right thing in just the right terms and a person will "get it" at last. I think that's just the way we are as people. I have been told over & over again that the addict doesn't really start recovery until they truly WANT to... its like any other icky monumental chore, it takes motivation.

I'm glad I found this site.
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Old 09-05-2009, 07:34 AM
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Hi wornout,
I agree with you, we all need to hear the thing we need to hear at the time we need to hear it. That's why I like SR so much, because there are so many people at different stages of Recovery posting, which provides so much opportunity to hear just the one little thing you need to hear today!
Welcome.
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