Abuse; accepting what is

Old 07-28-2009, 09:02 AM
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Abuse; accepting what is

Hi all. I havent been on here in a very long time. I have found another website with mental health forums that has been helping me. But i do remember all the great people on here, and wanted to share with you, and because I miss you all. I remember 2 years ago, i filed a RO and divorce. Many of you were so supportive. but I feel I let you down. I went back to my husband after just 6 weeks. I was weak. He wasnt abusive again until about 6 weeks ago. He went into another one of his rages, was screaming in my face, pointing his finger, blocking me with his body so i couldnt get away from him, grabbed my arm when i did manage to get away...flipped over the couch, etc.....

I did not call the police. I did not get an RO. I dont know why. For most of the 3 1/2 years of his drug use and abuse, I concentrated on the drug use thinking, if he just stopped using, things would be better. But I have come to realize that he is not the same person he was 16 years ago when we fisrt married. And that drugs and abuse are separate issues. My Ah has stopped using for about 2 months. He agreed to go to an addiction dr who put him on meds to help with his cravings., but i believe he it not taking the one medication that will help him the most. I still think he is not using, even without the med from the dr. but he is lying to me and the dr. about taking it.
He is not doing any kind of therapy either.

Does anyone think that an addict and abuser who goes to therapy or twleve step meetings, can look at themselves and get better? I have been reading Lundy's book on angry and controlling men and these men it seems rarely change.

So I have been very depressed lately, thinking that my life the way it is now will not get any better, will only get worse since abuse almost always escalates. I am so scared to get out of my marriage because of what my husband may do. I am a worrier. Its my nature. I have a friend in Naranon who filed for divorce and her husband was very abusive...(emotionaly, verbally, psychologically, not physically ). and she filed for divorce while she was still living with him. She didnt care what he did or said, she was ready and didnt seem to worry about things as much as i do. After a while, he woudlnt get out of the house, so she filed an RO. Things worked out. She said that the group (naranon) helped her and she got strong from it and had support and knew tings would fall into place. She didnt focus on the abuse it seems. She didnt fall into depression, like me. She tells me i will do what i need to do when im ready. I am confused. I go to a therapist, but she doesnt seem to help that much. I dont think she has much experience with wives of abusive men. She has worked in the field of addiction, but with people in recovery or who want recovery. I have been to a domestic violence counselor. She wants me to go to a support group that she leads. Its hard for me to get out every tues. night for 2 hours. My husband will get suspicious. I dont know what support is the best for me, and I cant do everything...i just dont have the time or the money to shell out.

I cannot leave the house and get my own place, i have no where to go. ( I alos have 2 daughters ages 14 and 12). I am planning to try and take some classes in the fall. i want to get certified to teach. I am hoping that will help me feel independent and build my self esteem. I dont have many friends, and never go out and do anything with a friend. My family does not live close by and i really only have my mom and sister. They both do not have the financial means to help me.

Thanks for letting me vent and tell my story yet again. I feel like I will just go through the rest of my life, being scared to leave my marriage and just dealing with it.

Any suggestions?
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Old 07-28-2009, 09:43 AM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post

So I have been very depressed lately, thinking that my life the way it is now will not get any better, will only get worse since abuse almost always escalates. I am so scared to get out of my marriage because of what my husband may do. I am a worrier.
It sounds like you have made yourself a prisoner in your own home. Are you not scared to stay because of what your husband may do or that your daughters might think abuse is the norm?

So often we become overwhelmed with " everything" and end up paralized, and do "nothing". You cannot change him but you can change your own life.

Are you working or seeking employment, right now?
And by all means, attend this Tuesday night meeting. It sounds like the lifeline you need, right now.

You have a responsibility to yourself and children to take care of yourself.
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Old 07-28-2009, 09:47 AM
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drained I remember you and have thought of you often, glad your back but sorry you are still going thru the upsets.

I don't really have any advice, except the violence can get worse and you have to protect yourself and your girls.

Sometimes it seems there is no way out.........thats part of the cycle of abuse the man keeps you dependent on him so you cant leave

read domestic violence sites start making a plan.........put whatever money you can aside, and copy all important documents and get necessary things together for you and the girls in case you need to leave in a hurry.

The drugs are an issue of course, add violence to that and your situation doesnt get better...........I'm sorry i havent got more help or suggestions.
someone else will be along soon
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Old 07-28-2009, 10:10 AM
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thanks for your support. Anvilhead, i am printing out your quotes, thank-you.

I know what i must do, i am not healthy enough to do it. Maybe its an excuse, it probably is. I have planned some things out, but like someone once said to me "dont look at the whole picture, it will become too overwhelming and you'll stay stuck" Just move in baby steps, and things will work out.

Maybe thats the wrong way to look at it, I dont know. BUt everytime I do look at the big picture and what ill have to do and go through, i get sick to my stomach.
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Old 07-28-2009, 10:49 AM
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sounds like he has won. he has you convinced that you cannot do anything - that you have to just stay there and be a punching bag. i dont believe that there is no way you can get out - there are ways - there are shelters - there is help, as your friend has explained to you. yes it may be inconvenient and it may not be luxiourous but sometimes we have to lower our standards of living for a little while if we want to reclaim our lives.

you have two daughters that you use as an excuse as to why you cannot leave - what are you telling them and teaching them? by this time they have it ingrained in their psychie that this is how a woman should expect a man to act - which means that they have a good chance of ending up in the same kind of relationship. if you want to change this then you get out and you get those girls out of there - if he hasnt started beating on them yet then chances are he will before its over.

personally i dont think that once a man has hit you that it will stop. i'm sure there must be some success stories out there but this behavior isnt just drug addiction - this is a man who feels he has the right to hit people to get what he wants. dont think i'm just preaching at you - i've been through the abuse with two relationships - both ended up trying to kill me, one by choking me and one by a gun (lucky for me he was too drunk to be able to aim straight.) it doesnt end until you end it.

if you wont get out for yourself then get out for your daughters.
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Old 07-28-2009, 10:50 AM
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That Lundy Bancroft book is a very good one. There is another by Alice Walker called "No visible wounds" Both helped me get clearer in my mind and feel like it wasn't just me.

Grats on getting DV counseling, that did me a world of good...I will forever be grateful to Becky, my counselor.

I also used to think the abuse was a result of substance abuse, took me awhile to learn differently.

I hope you will be able to build up your confidence and strength one day at a time and be able to live fully free.

And here's a hug (((((((((((()))))))))))))))))
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Old 07-28-2009, 11:27 AM
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Abuse gets worse with time, and the most dangerous time is often when leaving so please plan carefully and keep yourself safe. A women's shelter may be able to offer suggestions, even if you don't go there. Maybe give them a call and find out what to do in an emergency, if you have to leave in a hurry.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve none of it and sadly, it will affect your children. Children of abuse often become abusers themselves, or a victim. This doesn't have to be so.

As overwhelmed and hopeless you may feel, please know that you do have options and there is help out there for people in your situation.

My prayers go out for all of you.

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Old 07-28-2009, 11:36 AM
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The Lundy Bancroft book you and liveweyerd are referring to is called "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men". I think everyone should by this book. Don't call yourself weak. Abusers like us to think this way about ourselves because it keeps them in control. It isn't unusual for those who are abused to go back to their abusers. Remember, in the book it is called "tramautic bonding". You are so upset by what has happened to you that you become attached to whoever is being nice to you at the moment - even if it is the abuser. Since you say you have few friends and not much family in the area....

I think it is great that you want to go back to school to be a teacher. But be very careful here. Abusive men DO NOT like it when those they abuse show signs of becoming independent of them, especially financially.

For those here at SR who haven't read the book, I post the following. There is a whole section in the book called "The Abusive Man and Breaking Up" which people should pay particular attention to. The list includes:

* Promising to change
* Enter therapy or an abuser program
* Not drinking, attending AA
* Making apologies
* Telling you that you will be lost without him
* Telling you that no one else will want to be with you
* Threatening suicide
* Saying that you are abandoning him, making you feel guilty
* Threatening to kidnap/take custody of the kids
* Thereatening to leave you homeless or with no financial resources
* Turning very nice
* Getting other people to pressure you into giving him another chance
* Taking care of things you've been complaining about for a long time
* Behaving in such self-destructive ways that you will worry/feel sorry for him
* Spreading rumors about you, trying to ruin friendships/your reputation
* Starting a new relationship to make you jealous/angry
* Insisting that he already has changed
* Spreading confidential information about you to humiliate you
* Threatening/assaulting anyone you try to start a new relationship with or who is helping you
* Getting you pregnant
* Stalking you
* Physically or sexually assaulting you
* Trashing your house or car
* Threatening to harm or kill you

There is also a section on "Leaving an Abuser Safely"

Be very careful. Please.


Last edited by PurpleWilder; 07-28-2009 at 11:53 AM.
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Old 07-28-2009, 12:00 PM
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I have the book, thank-you. Its hard for me to find alone time to read it, but i will. As for him being angry at me for finding financial dependence...well, first i have to go to school, and then i have to find a job..its a long process. I wouldnt really be financially independent on what i could make, but it would help.
He has basically always wanted me to work....but i wanted to stay home with the kids. He has never discouraged me from having a job. I have held some jobs during the course of our marriage. It was just hard when i did work full time and he didnt help with the kids or house.

My sister's husband had been physically abusive to her over the years. It happened infrequently, and not until he choked her and punched her in the stomach did she realize she had to get out. But she didnt have a plan, she just told him she wanted a divorce, stuck with it, didnt fight him for alimony, just wanted out.....and he didnt try to get her back really...maybe just talked to her about it, but wasnt controlling or manipulative. HIs verbal abuse during their marriage was that he would sometimes make fun of her. It never escalated. The physical abuse did escalate that last time. He was drunk and didnt remember what he had done. I guess what i am saying is that abusers are the same in many ways, but it seems like there are differences too. Like my former brother-in-law...there was no period of him begging for her to come back, and he didnt give her a hard time. She didnt put up a fight though either...she cut her losses and he got the house and she lives in a tiny house. She doesnt make much money, can pay her bills though, but doeesnt know about her future. When the child support stops, she doesnt know what will happen. She wont be able to afford her house. I gues what I am saying is that I am so scared of what he might do, but maybe he wont do anything. Or maybe it wont be as bad as I imagine. Maybe he'll let me go, after realizing that is what i want.
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Old 07-28-2009, 12:08 PM
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((drained wife))

I just want you to know - That I believe in you. I have faith in you. I know that there is strength courage and wisdom in YOU.

It won't be easy but I want you to know that I KNOW you can do this - you can find these things within you to do what you want to make your life full - your life Happy, Safe, Joyous and FREE - You can do it for YOU and for your Daughters.

I tell this to you because someone told it to me a couple of years ago and I finally listened. And when I did make take the steps - The God of my understanding gave me all the strength, courage and wisdom that I needed exactly when I needed them.

I truly believe that YOUR HP will do the same for you too!!

Please don't give up before the miracles of a new and wonderful life happen for you - YOU deserve them!!!!

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Old 07-28-2009, 12:15 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
She didnt put up a fight though either...she cut her losses and he got the house and she lives in a tiny house. She doesnt make much money, can pay her bills though, but doeesnt know about her future. When the child support stops, she doesnt know what will happen. She wont be able to afford her house. I gues what I am saying is that I am so scared of what he might do, but maybe he wont do anything. Or maybe it wont be as bad as I imagine. Maybe he'll let me go, after realizing that is what i want.
I lost my wonderful, beautiful home (that of course I had paid for because I'm the only one that had a steady job); had my paycheck garnished for his bills, have had to file bankruptcy, blah, blah, blah - BUT I will tell you - once I was out of the house - no longer living with active addiction and that mental/emotional abuse 24/7 -

I would live in a cardboard box on the side of the road before I would go back to that type of a life again.
I'm Free!!

Oh Just typing the words brings tears of joy and gratitude to my eyes.

Honey - I know it's hard - I know.

I had no idea the harm it was causing me and I had over 5 yrs in al-anon before I left.

Today I see it - I know you have to make the decision in your own time - when you and your HP are ready - just know that if you need a supportive ear, you have one in me!!

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Old 07-28-2009, 01:10 PM
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the girl can't help it
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take care of yourself
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:02 PM
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Drained - I remember you well and first of didn't let anyone down. We are a forum that provides support and a listening ear to each member. Each of us knows what is best for ourselves at any given time.

I'm sorry that you are going through this and I definitely understand. All of the books by Patricia Evans are also excellent and helped me a whole lot to grow and take care of myself. They helped me to truly understand what abuse is so much more than physical abuse - it is insidious and so damaging.

It is tough to change from an abuser into someone that is willing to learn to do differently. There is a lot of denial and patterning that has to change. One of Patricia Evans books is something about "can he change" and it has guidelines that tell you what to look for and if it is really happening.

A lot that had to change was my willingness to do whatever it takes to live in a serene and safe environment. My home and financial concerns kept me here for a long time. I am finally that I am at the point that living in a cardboard box is more acceptable to me than tolerating mistreatment. I cringe at what I use to tolerate from sober husband.

Working the steps helped me a whole lot but understanding abuse (what it is and isn't) was imperative to my survival. I know that my city has a domestic violence hotline and I'm betting that Jville does too - that would be a great place to get support and guidance. Naranon and Alanon are great but they don't hit the realm of domestic abuse and violence so much. I understand why you stay because I know the reasons that I did. It is scary and it is easy to become trapped in your own home. Living with abuse undermines even the most confident of women (and men as well)....that is why a domestic violence program can really help to point you in the right direction. I found that building my resources from the inside out is what really helped me a lot. Also, people telling me that they were there for me and that they knew that I would figure out the best thing to do.

I do know that if someone has hit you/physically harmed you once that it will happen again unless that do whatever it takes for them to get help. Abuse is a progressive process - just like addiction. First it is verbal and emotional abuse and then it can progress to physical.

Check into the hotline but don't be discouraged if you have to keep seeking assistance. You are resourceful and you fortunately live in a large town.....I know that you can do it. Keep posting and take care of yourself.
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Old 07-28-2009, 02:07 PM
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Drained - went and checked out DV resources in J-ville and found this one. The website is Hubbard House and their contact info is:

Hubbard House
Hotline number: (904)354-3114
PO Box 4909
Jacksonville, FL 32201
Administration: (904)354-0076 x300
FAX: (904)354-1342

Hope that this helps!
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Old 07-28-2009, 11:05 PM
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hi drain, i remember you too and i'm glad to see you reaching out, sorry you are going through this. i agree with the others, you are not allowed to give up here. we re here for you and we all care. with help, you can do this. take it one step at a time and before you know, you'll be well on your way to a better life. i had to seperate from my abusive ah of 23yrs with 7 kids and no job. by the grace of god, help from you guys and a few agencies, the kids and i live in more peace that i could have thought possible at one time. you and your family are still in my prayers
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Old 07-29-2009, 08:36 AM
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Call Domestic violence hotline in your area (I know your not in Jacksonville) There are a lot where you are. Im not saying your going to do anything, but find out options, a one room efficiency would be just wont see it that way until you know.

With the economy the way it is theres more of this, and trust me no matter what you want to think, the girls know, if nothing else start watching them how they treat each other, other people...things they see, attitudes rub off
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Old 07-29-2009, 10:37 AM
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(((hugs))) and I hope you find the help you need so you can get well enough to take care of yourself.
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Old 07-29-2009, 11:34 AM
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As the saying goes been there done that. I was married to a very controlling, verablly abusive lawyer. He knew everything, and I was stupid, etc. I stayed in that marriage believing I deserved everything he said to me. Well it was very hard when we separated, I didn't know what I was going to do. I went back to school, since in NJ he had to pay me support even before our divorce was final, got my assiocates degree in accounting.
Now 14 years later with the help of Nar-Anon I am a very strong lady, who will not believe anything that puts me down. I was weak before but now is a different story.
I see myself in you, so I am the last person to judge. I will say to attend any meeting you can get help from. If he does not like you being out every Tues., tell him you are doing something for YOU and he can kiss your ***. Just joking, on what to tell him. Please know you are as important as he is, and deserve to be happy. Do whatever you have to for you. Make a plan for you and your daughters in case you have to leave quickly. Call the county and see what is available for you, in terms of help.
You and your daughters are in my prayers. Talk to you soon,
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