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AH is at it again and hard to ask for help

Old 07-28-2009, 08:27 PM
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AH is at it again and hard to ask for help

I haven't posted much of my story...short version - 15 years married to an addict. Opiate addiction. Severe mental and emotional abuse for 10 of those years. Left and took him back. And then June first I left in fear of physical abuse...he has now signed papers and has left the house so I am finally back in my house and I have had a week of peace. I knew it couldn't last...his silence is usually his time to plan what to do next to feed the addiction.

It is so hard for me to post and it is so hard for me to admit my role in all of this and my need for support. I have really good days and today is not one of them. He has had 2 DUIs and his only means of transportation is a moped. I have not talked to him since we signed papers (only for separation - have a waiting period for the final divorce). He left me messages on my cell that he has wrecked the moped and is hurt. Mind you he is living in a major city and the hospital is one block from his apartment. Then the lines start "I need $100"...and I get the whole "i know you don't care, but..." and all the buttons start getting pushed. I got the messages as I was driving to class - and I went on to class. He was very slurry on the phone - so I know he was using.
I got home after class and there was a message on that answering machine.

I am sitting here fighting the guilt and the desire to go see if he is okay. I just can't go and I know I can't go - and I know he is pushing my buttons. He has wrecked every car he has ever owned and now this too. With the cars it was always "a deer"...this one is the wheel went off the road...d'oh!

I am sitting here crying and part of me is afraid for me and part of me is afraid for him. He is the kind of guy that likes to call cops and lie to them. I had agreed once to hold his pills for him and he called the cops and told them I had stolen them...now I still have the same fear pop up when he starts demanding things from me. I have always reacted out of fear and this time I know I can't do that.

I knew this was going to happen and at the same time I can't believe that this is happening. Just when you think you can sleep at night...this crap starts up. And I know I choose my reaction to it, but after 15 years, it is hard to stop overnight. Don't worry, changing the phone numbers is top on my list for things to tackle tomorrow.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I get it now. And something has to change or it will kill me. I enabled him in every way...I am still searching for the reasons I stayed and felt like I deserved to be treated like dirt. I know I can not enable him now - it is important for him and it is important for me. I feel so lost and I feel so alone and I am so afraid that I will cave and enable him again just to make him quiet. Please tell me I can just get through this insanity. I guess I am struggling tonight to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I need help. No F2F meetings close by...there is one about an hour away I am going to try to get to Thursday night.
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Old 07-28-2009, 08:52 PM
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(((Red))) Just when you think the worst is behind you sometimes crap still happens and it throws us for a loop. You're right that you have to stop enabling him -- absolutely. Do not contact him!!! But if you are in fear for your safety then there are precautions you need to take just in case things escalate. Have you checked out this sticky about woman abuse? Please look at it carefully and toward the end is a detailed plan for a quick escape if you need it...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1235705

I don't mean to make you feel worse, but sometimes taking positive action in this way will make you feel empowered.

Speak with a women's shelter counselor if you haven't already - ok?

Take care and please stay in touch.
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Old 07-28-2009, 09:26 PM
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hil, sorry you are having to go through this. sounds he has spent a lot of time calling you, i would think if he was really as hurt as he wants you to think, he may have used one of those calls to call 911.

cant say he's not hurt but an addict will say and do what ever it takes to get what they think they need. sounds kind of like you ah may be getting high and possibly need more money for getting high.

i think you are doing great, stick to your guns, he'll probably be ok, without you being there to cushion his fall. you deserve for more and it does get better. it took me 21yrs of that same kind of drama before i decided about 2yrs ago that i was just sick and tired of being sick of it so i chose no contact. one day at a time, life has gotten so much easier for me and my kids.
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Old 07-29-2009, 01:13 AM
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Hang in Red... you are doing great. Main thing.... keep yourself safe. Take a stroll down memory lane and you will probably see this pattern more than once. He's managed to get by before and he will probably do it again this time to... but the difference will be that YOU will stay safe and sane this time.

The F2F meeting sounds like a great idea. Keep talking both to yourself, friends, family and all of your "new" friends and supports here at SR. You have already taken amazing steps to remove yourself from the chaos and pain... keep moving forward.
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:33 AM
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Please hang in there. You have may it through the toughest hurdle...the separation.

If you don't want to have to continually change your phone numbers, try just not answering the phone. I know that sounds simplistic, but with our technological advances came another addiction for us to deal with...the phone. With cell phones everyone is so conditioned to be readily available that we have somehow forgotten we have a choice...to not pick up the phone.

As an extreme enabler, I know how hard this can be. It took me a long time to learn to do it, but it's amazing the strides it will make in ridding yourself of the chains of the addict. The addiction is like a leach...it is going to attach to something (someone) it can drain the life out of. If you are not readily available it is amazing how quickly the addiction will move on to something (someone) that is.

It sounds like you have a cell phone and a land line. Unplug that answering machine (just pretend it's broken) and, if necessary, turn off the ringer on your cell phone. You can always check it periodically to be sure no one else is trying to reach you.

Have your reasons in place for why you weren't available, in case you're confronted later. I'm not a proponent of lying as a general rule, but enablers have to protect themselves at all costs, especially in the early stages of ending a relationship.

Don't beat yourself up for what you've done to this point. It's in the past. Put it there and leave it there. What will get you through this is having the attitude that you're starting a new life. All that past stuff doesn't fit into this new life, so forget about it. You'll have plenty of time to think about it in the future in order to not make the same mistakes again. But for now, make it the past...you're not that person any more. You are a new person.

Again...please hang in there. I know how hard it is. I just had to separate myself from my daughter's addiction. I finally saw (after literally years) that if I didn't, she would continue and kill herself. I had to force her to be responsible for herself for once in her life. You can do it. I know you can.
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:09 AM
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Good morning Red! I agree that you sound pretty good. My AH just recently seperated for the 4th or 5th time but this time is different. He wasn't physically abusive but he was emotionally abusive, a control freak, extremely selfish and a bully.

Don't let your husband get in your head and second-guess yourself. That's what addicts do. They can make us feel guilty for having a mind of our own and not believing everything they say. Ignore the "quacking". Ignore him completely. Addicts need someone. They are always on the prowl for a "victim" and you have literally been victimized for years. They needs someone to "enable" them just as much as they need their drug. Trust me, if it's not you, it will be someone else. He will eventually move on if you resist what has become second-nature to you over the years.

Fight to get your life back. Make the choice and stick with it. Go to meetings and make friends. Find a sponsor or at least some accountability partners that you can call on when your teetering on the edge of making a bad decision or your afraid or both. Call up friends you haven't spoken to in a while and renew those friendships. Friends can make you strong. God or a church family can make you strong. My friends and accountability partners have held me up many times and I'm so grateful for the strength they have poured into me because without them, I probably wouldn't be where I am today.

Keep coming to SR. I can tell you, some of the feedback might feel a little rough or insenstive but read it, take what you can from it and don't take it personally. As long as you are here, you will come to realize that (and for me it took almost 2 years), they ARE ALWAYS right. Always. For me, suddenly, I'm realizing that it could have been so much easier if I hadn't gotten so defensive. I could have done this a long time ago. The tools were right here. The support was right here but I thought I knew better. I thought my AH was the exception to the rule. Now, I'm having to go back and thank the biggest thorns in my side for their love, wisdom, honesty and patience with me. All the pieces have come together like a puzzle.

Keep posting. Keep being honest about what you're feeling or going through and know that the "old-timers" on SR are here, reaching out to each one of us every day, to get us through the madness of addiction. SR has saved me from myself.
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:09 AM
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[QUOTE=leelee5675;2312870]
Don't beat yourself up for what you've done to this point. It's in the past. Put it there and leave it there. What will get you through this is having the attitude that you're starting a new life. All that past stuff doesn't fit into this new life, so forget about it. You'll have plenty of time to think about it in the future in order to not make the same mistakes again. But for now, make it the past...you're not that person any more. You are a new person.
QUOTE]

This is the part that is hard for me to believe. That I CAN let it go and that the past is the past. When an A keeps you for years in constant stress and chaos...never knowing when the cops will be knocking on your door because he has called them and lied to them about something you have not done...thinking that one day the call will be that my AH has killed himself or someone else...all the impacts of keeping our bodies and our minds in a constant state of "fight or flight". Calming my mind is such a challenge. I see that I am allowing him to make me afraid...

You are right. I am not the same person. And I am working on believing that I do deserve a better life. It is a time to discover what "normal" really is because my life for 15+ years was no where near normal! LOL...but I let the addiction define me and define my life. I forgot that I choose how I want to define my life.

I had another call after midnight from some guy who is now my AH's neighbor...and he trying to help him - LOL...and he wanted me to know that my AH is depressed and misses me and can't do recovery without me. Then he said he is an addict too in recovery and knows what my AH is going through! Fantastic! Too bad that neither of them get the three C's...and that he can not get clean for me. Too bad my AH just doesn't get that I will never take him back. He could be clean for 10 years and I would never risk it again because I am not the same person who married him so long ago.

I am staying at a safe house for a couple days...to be away from it and the possibilty of more insanity.
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:22 AM
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Good for you!!

My AH always threatens to call the cops on me or call protective services (we have a child). Of course he's toasted every time he does that so you know what, I just blow off what he says because he's just making a fool out of himself. Again, it's a control thing.

Stay safe. He can do recovery without you if he wants it.
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Old 07-29-2009, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by MrsMagoo View Post


For me, suddenly, I'm realizing that it could have been so much easier if I hadn't gotten so defensive. I could have done this a long time ago. The tools were right here. The support was right here but I thought I knew better. I thought my AH was the exception to the rule.

Ah, yessssss. Shouldn't it have been so easy to just pull he plug and walk away...nooooo, my AH was special; he HAD to have my help. I was the only one who could help him...when everyone else turned away, I refused because he was a human being and no one was bothering to see how special he COULD be...but not me...oh noooo, I would never turn my back on a soul - if I gave enough and I gave him the right support, it would all be better and straighten out for him. He would see that someone cared and believed in him and that would make the world shift on its axis and he would be healed!

Yes, I have had the tools and I could not - I would not - I absolutely refused to open my eyes and see the truth. The truth of the damage I was causing to him and to me...and truth of what I was allowing.

I pray I will never go back there again.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:07 AM
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The lies we tell ourselves to justify our decisions. I guess I thought someone would knock on my door one day and give me a "Wife of the Year" award. I was just satifsying my need to try and control the situation. I lost myself along the way.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:27 AM
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Good for you RedTailHawk for taking care of YOU! You deserve a life filled with
Serenity, Peace, and Joy! Stay Strong and do whatever it takes!

It took me 21 years of marriage before I finally figured out I couldn't change him.
Mine was SPECIAL too... he was the exception... I thought we were soulmates and
if I just did this and this and that he would eventually change. He went to jail,
3 rehabs, finally prison for 2yrs. I stood by him everytime. Thought it was the
right thing to do.... he was clean for maybe 3 months after prison... we separated
as soon as he got off parole 9 months after his release. He's been gone since Sept.
last year and he's still lost in his addiction. Hasn't seen the kids, acknowledged their
birthdays or Christmas... NOTHING... since he's left.

I'm sad that my children don't have a father, but the peace we have without the
chaos is so good. There's alot of sadness at first, but it gets better.

I wish you all the best!
((((HUGS))))
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:36 AM
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I lost myself too. That is such a challenge now to even just identify who I am and what I want. And to feel like it is okay to say "I want" and to actually give it to myself. My entire existence was defined by what my AH wanted and needed...if there was extra money - what could i give him to make Him happy that day....if it was a vacation, what would HE like to do. What TV shows does HE like, what food does HE want.

Whew - I just got it - I really get it - I really was trying to be his very own HP. His deliverer - the ONE who could control and force that which is not controllable....as long as I took care of everything, he would be safe and okay...not in my control. None if it was in my control...I could have created the earth and sky and it would not have been the answer...

Major, deep, aha moment happening for me. To the core - I get it. I have said it before...but i really get it. Wow. It was never my job in the first place.

Okay, I am going to sit here with my chill and thank you all from the bottom of my heart...you helped me grow today...thanks for helping me on this journey! Love, love, love....
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:57 AM
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Listen to Anvil, Red. You can do it. He's right about the NO contact. You may give in a few times at first, but try it once or twice. You will see the difference in how it feels when you don't answer versus how it feels when you do.

Notice the serenity after you make it through that initial desire to pick up the phone. When you make it a little while after the call that you didn't pick up, you will see that the world didn't cave in and he's still alive. And if something does happen to him, YOU are not responsible, remind yourself of that as much as you can.

I cannot believe the friend is telling you that your AH can't work his program without you. Has he worked it while you were with him? Please don't get sucked into that...it is against everything we are striving for to overcome our co-dependency

Kudos for going to the safe house. It's another step in separating yourself. Look for serenity in any way you can find it, even if it's for short periods of time. Work on the phone thing and keep your head up.

Again, you can do it. You are already fighting to keep yourself headed in the right direction. Don't give up...keep posting.

Know that many prayers are headed your way.
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Old 07-29-2009, 10:52 AM
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Thanks, Anvilhead. You are right. You really are. I am trying to be really honest and open here..so...this is when I get afraid. He goes insane when I don't talk to him. He tolerates it for a while, and then the calls start and then the anger starts as he reaches more silence. That is when he starts the hard core stuff - the threats and lies and the crap. He believes that vengence is his and he has let me know it and he has shown what that is.

I think what I need to decide is if I am ready to go no contact for forever and then am I ready to put him in jail if I have to. That would be a huge thing for me.
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Old 07-29-2009, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by leelee5675 View Post

I cannot believe the friend is telling you that your AH can't work his program without you. Has he worked it while you were with him? Please don't get sucked into that...it is against everything we are striving for to overcome our co-dependency
I hear it from everyone - except my sister - that he can't make it without me and he needs me and I can't desert him...his family REALLY doesn't want me to go because then he will be back on their doorstep.

No, he has never worked his program. He has made me think he was and I chose to live in ignorance and not get the facts about what I would be SEEING if he was working his program. He knew how to snow me just long enough to get me to do what he wanted me to do...

Thank you for reminding me that it is what we all striving to overcome. I have felt so alone for so long...there really is a whole "we" out there.
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Old 07-29-2009, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
red - remember in the past, all you've seen of the CYCLE is up to the point where YOU give in......til now he's been able to WIN that battle with you.
I never looked at it like that. Yes, it reaches a point that I end the cycle by giving in... For today I choose no contact. I can do that. Yes, I can do that. I have never seen the rest of the cycle.

Acting from a place of strength is really hard for me. Could it be I have self esteem [email protected] LOL... But I will move my sweet little (questionable) butt over into the drivers seat... thanks for bringing me laughter through tears with that one. I think I am good at climbing into the seat, I just need to work on actually staying in the seat and hitting the gas pedal.

I will say it here for the world to see... I have never believed I was good enough -or deserving - to do anything positive on my own behalf... especially to give myself power and happiness. I have never believed that I deserve to have my own well-being be near Goddess level...I say it so I can start dealing with that...because I want it!!
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Old 07-29-2009, 11:57 AM
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You go get that Goddess level! If you keep wanting it, you will have it eventually. I am new to this site, but not addiction. My father was an alcoholic and now I'm dealing with my daughter's meth addiction.

Isn't this site great? Like you said, a "we" to hold on to and not feel so alone. There are meetings, of course, and we need face-to-face, too. But when a meeting's not available (like for me at 3:00 am today) it is so wonderful to have people who truly understand your situation to go to.

Please remind yourself that you cannot control his addiction or help him with his recovery. He HAS to do it HIMSELF, or it will never take. Don't feel bad about being fooled in the past. I just went through that with my daughter (for the third time). They know exactly what to say and do to keep you from "getting their number". And I, myself, could very well be crowned "Queen of Enablers".

I think we ignore it because we know from past experience the ride we are in for if they are in fact using again.

Let's just change busses and go on a different ride for a change.

Keep it up...you're doing great!
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