drainedwife

Hi all. I havent been on here in a very long time. I have found another website with mental health forums that has been helping me. But i do remember all the great people on here, and wanted to share with you, and because I miss you all. I remember 2 years ago, i filed a RO and divorce. Many of you were so supportive. but I feel I let you down. I went back to my husband after just 6 weeks. I was weak. He wasnt abusive again until about 6 weeks ago. He went into another one of his rages, was screaming in my face, pointing his finger, blocking me with his body so i couldnt get away from him, grabbed my arm when i did manage to get away...flipped over the couch, etc.....

I did not call the police. I did not get an RO. I dont know why. For most of the 3 1/2 years of his drug use and abuse, I concentrated on the drug use thinking, if he just stopped using, things would be better. But I have come to realize that he is not the same person he was 16 years ago when we fisrt married. And that drugs and abuse are separate issues. My Ah has stopped using for about 2 months. He agreed to go to an addiction dr who put him on meds to help with his cravings., but i believe he it not taking the one medication that will help him the most. I still think he is not using, even without the med from the dr. but he is lying to me and the dr. about taking it.
He is not doing any kind of therapy either.

Does anyone think that an addict and abuser who goes to therapy or twleve step meetings, can look at themselves and get better? I have been reading Lundy's book on angry and controlling men and these men it seems rarely change.

So I have been very depressed lately, thinking that my life the way it is now will not get any better, will only get worse since abuse almost always escalates. I am so scared to get out of my marriage because of what my husband may do. I am a worrier. Its my nature. I have a friend in Naranon who filed for divorce and her husband was very abusive...(emotionaly, verbally, psychologically, not physically ). and she filed for divorce while she was still living with him. She didnt care what he did or said, she was ready and didnt seem to worry about things as much as i do. After a while, he woudlnt get out of the house, so she filed an RO. Things worked out. She said that the group (naranon) helped her and she got strong from it and had support and knew tings would fall into place. She didnt focus on the abuse it seems. She didnt fall into depression, like me. She tells me i will do what i need to do when im ready. I am confused. I go to a therapist, but she doesnt seem to help that much. I dont think she has much experience with wives of abusive men. She has worked in the field of addiction, but with people in recovery or who want recovery. I have been to a domestic violence counselor. She wants me to go to a support group that she leads. Its hard for me to get out every tues. night for 2 hours. My husband will get suspicious. I dont know what support is the best for me, and I cant do everything...i just dont have the time or the money to shell out.

I cannot leave the house and get my own place, i have no where to go. ( I alos have 2 daughters ages 14 and 12). I am planning to try and take some classes in the fall. i want to get certified to teach. I am hoping that will help me feel independent and build my self esteem. I dont have many friends, and never go out and do anything with a friend. My family does not live close by and i really only have my mom and sister. They both do not have the financial means to help me.

Thanks for letting me vent and tell my story yet again. I feel like I will just go through the rest of my life, being scared to leave my marriage and just dealing with it.

Any suggestions?