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Old 06-10-2009, 01:06 PM
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SLA
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New to posting but not to reading

Hello all,

I am an occasional lurker on here. My AH is addicted to heroin. Its been so many years, that I have done nothing but support him, and be codependent. Those articles posted at the top are really eye opening.

So today we once again have no money and he calls yelling at me to get money from one of my parents, which I won't, not so he can buy drugs.

I recently told him that I couldn't take much more of this and he keeps promising to do something about it, has suboxone, doesn't take them.

Anyway, today he says he doesn't want to stop doing drugs and he knows I'm sick of it, so he says he is moving out, I'm at work, don't know what to think, haven't heard from him in 4 hours.

I;m worried that something happened, but I won't call him.

Sorry for the ramble on my first post here, I just needed to get it out to someone.

Thanks - any advice I would love to hear
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:15 PM
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Welcome SLA.

Sorry to hear about your circumstances. The first thing that popped into my head was, what happened if you only had you to take care of?

Have you ever checked in to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings - what a wonderful fellowship of people who have been through what I have been through - not living life perfectly, but trying to live their life to the best of their ability - always giving me support, love and their stories to share no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing.

Keep reading and others will be along as well.
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:19 PM
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If he's not ready to quit, nothing you do can make him or help him. You have to be very tired of living like this. I think this is an opportunity for you.
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:35 PM
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Originally Posted by SLA View Post
I recently told him that I couldn't take much more of this and he keeps promising to do something about it, has suboxone, doesn't take them.
I'm glad you finally decided to post.

I spent so many years with EXAH, leaving my future in his hands, with his empty promises. I'd say I couldn't take it anymore, but I did nothing to remove myself from the situation. He knew I wasn't going anywhere, and so it was the same old same old day after day.

I will never ever have decent credit thanks to that marriage, and we never had money either. I can't tell you how many times I called my parents asking for rent money because he had taken off with the money to do drugs again.

When I finally did get out of that situation, I was just a shell of a human being. I was bankrupt, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Alanon has been a livesaver for me. It has taught me to be good to myself, to plan my life according to what is best for me. I no longer take a front seat to active addiction, and that includes my 31 year old AD.

:ghug :ghug
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:36 PM
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((((SLA)))) I'm so sorry to hear about all that you have endured. I can't offer much in the way of advice, just hugs and good thoughts.

Please keep reading and keep posting. I know that you are on pins and needles waiting to see what you find when you get home from work. But remember that you did not cause your AH's addiction, you cannot control his addiction, and you cannot cure him. All you need to do is take care of yourself right now. Perhaps you should consider staying with a friend or relative tonight in order to avoid his current drama.....

Hugs and prayers,
HG
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Old 06-11-2009, 05:12 AM
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Originally Posted by justtired View Post
If he's not ready to quit, nothing you do can make him or help him. You have to be very tired of living like this. I think this is an opportunity for you.
Focus on that. An opportunity for YOU. Of course you want your husband to change, but you can't make that happen. But you can change you. What do you miss about your life before the drug chaos? Are there things you stopped doing? Do you daydream about things you don't think you can have or achieve? Well.....CHANGE IT! Make it happen for you.

My life became my husband's addiction and I didn't realize it until he was out of the house and out of my life. THEN I realized that I had some work to do on ME.

Be selfish. Take care of you. You deserve it.
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Old 06-11-2009, 07:26 AM
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My AH was a former herion addict/alcoholic before I met him. When I met him, he had 10 years clean and was a substance abuse counselor.

When he replapsed, I didn't know it. Surprisingly, none of the other substance abuse counselors he worked with, or the judicial officer, or PO's knew it either. By the time I found out, he was ready to quit. After looking at the bank account and putting 2+2 together, the pattern was there, I just didn't recognize it because heroin was not a drug I was familiar with. AH already had the scar on his arm so if it was red, I (Me) just assumed something had irratated it.

After he got clean off heroin and got on methadone, he relapsed again but this time he switched to crack. He alternated between shooting it and smoking it. If he smoked it, I couldn't tell either because the high was so short and he had never ever had any problems with cocaine in his past. Again, the money started disappearing and the tools from the garage along with his friends. This time I caught on a whole lot quicker and he went to rehab again, but for longer this time.

My AH has well over 90 days clean now but every single day, I struggle with every single behavior, inconsistency, sleep pattern, eating pattern or if he doesn't answer a single question the way I think he should. I am a casualty of his addiction. You are a casualty of your husband's addiction too whether you know it or not - simply because you've KNOWN he was using heroin.

Go to a meeting and get to know some people you can sit down face to face with and allow yourself to be open to the consequences of continuing to live with the addict. Let yourself be mentored and to share your heartbreak just like we do here. SR was critical and still is to my every day sanity but meetings, the 12 steps and my face to face comrades keep me going and putting one foot in front of the other (and also keeps me from getting all twisted up in AH's behavior). He has his recovery and I have mine. I am much more autonimous now but the fact of the matter is....when we choose to stay, we are gambling with our life and theirs too. Relapse is always a reality we must decide whether or not we can live with.

When I gave AH the choice of rehab or the street, he choose our marriage and this time he knew I was serious because he knew I was coming here to SR and going to meetings and I was stronger and willing to walk away not to mention having tons of support and that I would be okay. Addicts know how to manipulate us and guilt us but they are really victimizing us. They are predetors and very savy at doing or saying whatever it takes to feed their addictions. He was very very angry with me for about the first week but after the cloud formed from the drugs began to disapate, he was grateful to be alive and grateful for another chance at life and the opportunity to see his daughter grow up.

Keep posting and sharing and see what you can do about getting to some meetings. You need to find your center and get some support. I think you also need to make some decisions.

It was very difficult for me to turn my husband out (and it took a long long time to say it and mean it), knowing that he might die, be homeless, hungry or go to jail but that's gamble he took every time he drank, picked up a syringe or smoked crack. Every time. At any time, he could have died by his "own hand" and there was nothing I could do about it anyway.

I kept deciding what my AH's rock bottom was. When he decided, that's when things started to improve. He ran out of options.

When I decided what my rock bottom was, that's when my life started to improve because I had also run out of options.
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Old 06-11-2009, 08:38 AM
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Stay strong. Do what is best for you and don't take what he needs into consideration. He needs help but not from you. I finally stopped giving my ex $ and now have money to pay my bills. I can't believe how foolish I was to keep giving into him and then be so sad because I didn't have money to take care of my childrens needs.
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:18 AM
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GOOD JOB turning the one person away tht was supposed to be there for life is the hardst thing but you will benefit in the end- look up a meeting it's the only way I got through this mess too- God Bless
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:55 AM
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Thank you all for your help.

I know in my heart of hearts that I need to give him the ultimatum of rehab or me leaving. But it hurts my heart to even think of leaving, though I know it may be my only choice.

I also know that it was not him saying those things me to yesterday, it was the drugs, or the need for the drugs.

He does say he wants to get clean, but i'm sure every addict does just to shut up their loved one.

I feel like I would benefit more from going to a one-on-one meeting with a counselor. Have any of you done that? Even if I am not ready to give him the ultimatum, I'm definitely ready to talk to someone about it.

Thanks again for your support
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Old 06-11-2009, 11:07 AM
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As others have said, please take care of yourself. You can't love an addict into sobriety, they have to want it for themselves. It is devastating to see someone you love taken over by drugs, but try not to let it drag you down either. Go to meetings, and keep coming back to SR. Hugs.
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Old 06-11-2009, 01:23 PM
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Welcome, SLA.

He's in love with the drug.

He is robbing you of your money, he is yelling at you, he is LEAVING you, and now you are waiting to see what he will do next so you will know what to do next because he acts and you react. And this action/reaction has been the life for years, right?

I think one-on-one counseling with an addictions counselor who works with families of addicts would be superb. A lot more bad stuff is coming down the pike, SLA, and you'll need someone wise and sane in your life to help you survive it.

I'm so sorry. Reality is so hard to face.

Do take care,
BJ
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Old 06-12-2009, 05:15 AM
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welcome to s.r. you have taken the first step. keep coming back. the addict will do anything & everything to get the drug. it only gets worse. read around, find a meeting for you to go to. learn to take care of you. we r all here for you. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. he will not get clean until he gets ready. it will only get worse. prayers for u both,
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