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I cant be me.

Old 04-10-2009, 05:06 PM
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I cant be me.

AT least thats what I got told last night. I dont know where to put this so sorry if this is a bit off topic.

This isnt about religion, its about choices.

As some of your know I have been in my relationship for 14 years- not married but together. Its been a long, very hard road. Things have been for the better for quite a while now. I mean really good. Better than it has been in years!

Well last night I wanted to go to church. Its not something I do often. I go to church with his grandma every other weekend. She is Christian. I go with my friend Diane who is Pentacostal. Well I also have been having bible studies for the last few months with the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I watched as my dad would get physically abusive with my mom for going and taking me. I got away from the religon as I got older. But I never quit believing in what they taught. I didnt want to close my mind to other religions either. That is why I have been going with grandma and my friend Diane too. Well yesterday my friend Jesse wanted me to go to the Kingdon Hall for a special service. I said I would go. I had dinner done and cleaned up. I was getting ready and he exploded and told me I wasnt going and I wasnt taking the kids. I said fine, the kids can either stay here(God forbid he have to watch them) or I would even take them to my friend Diane who watches them all the time. Well it just escalted from there that he couldnt control me in what I believe. He said I was a hypocrite since I dont follow their rules by celebraing the holidays and that he would never marry me either so that made me even more of a hipocrite. Wow!

What a reminder from the past. My dad used to say all the same things to my mom. Only difference I didnt get the s*!t beat outta me like my mom. But the abuse is still there all the same.

He said I could go but I could get the hell out when I got home. He knows I have no where to go. No money. No job. No car. And I cant go to moms or friends house as I dont have any. I have no options. Not like I want to leave anyway. Its like this is his hateful time. He goes thru hateful spells and is fine later. This will blow over in time. But what do I say in my own defense?

I know its just his own way of exerting his power(abuse)over me. I know this. Its been getting better. He used to be worse. But I dont know. I stand firm in what I want to believe. I asked him what was next, telling me what to wear? What to eat? How rediculous. Im seething mad. Im seeing red.

I want to be rational about this. There is no compromise with him. He is the hipocrite as he doesnt even believe in God. How is he to tell me what I can believe in when he has none.
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:13 PM
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Originally Posted by GwenMarie30 View Post
What a reminder from the past. My dad used to say all the same things to my mom. Only difference I didnt get the s*!t beat outta me like my mom. But the abuse is still there all the same.
It's amazing the patterns we follow, the partners we pick later in life, isn't it?

After I left the EXAH, who was violent, beat me, and was also horribly abusive to me mentally/emotionally, I thought the problem was solved.

Little did I know I continued to make poor choices in companions, but always rationalized they were 'different' because they didn't beat me like EXAH did.

What can you do to make your life better, or is this acceptable to you-a period of 'good' followed by abuse like that?
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:16 PM
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The truth always hurts huh? At least it does for me. The both of you are so right.
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
It's amazing the patterns we follow, the partners we pick later in life, isn't it?

After I left the EXAH, who was violent, beat me, and was also horribly abusive to me mentally/emotionally, I thought the problem was solved.

Little did I know I continued to make poor choices in companions, but always rationalized they were 'different' because they didn't beat me like EXAH did.

What can you do to make your life better, or is this acceptable to you-a period of 'good' followed by abuse like that?
Yes, it is amazing. Girls always say I want a man like my good ol dad. Except I always said Id never be in the spot my mother was in with my dad. I never said I wanted a man like my dad but dang if I didnt end up with one just like him except for the physical violence. But let me tell you, Id rather the beating anyday versus the verbal one anyday.


Well, I dont see what difference I can do right at this moment except to bow to his command just like my mom did and I have done for years. Ive taken it this long. He has custody of my kids. I leave they have to stay only outta spit on his part. Also I just dont have the resources to go with no money, car, job or place to live. They dont even have a shelter in my area. Ive looked before. The only friend that I had to help me move away is one that would do so for his own intrest in me that I want nothing to do with. Besides I hate to say this but I just dont know if Ive had enough abuse yet to walk away. I dont get normal. Ive never known normal. Everyone has problems. Are mine really that different? Im sorry but I am just being honest with myself. I really am not looking for sympathy or pity. I just want to know of a way to keep the peace. I wont be in my position forever. My kids will grow up, I will eventually get a job and that means money. This means a way out eventually when Ive had enough. Im not being beat on, just getting my feeling hurt.
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Old 04-10-2009, 05:43 PM
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I guess the decision Im making is to bid my time. At least Im smart enough to see the situation for what it is. Maybe not all the way but some. That is why I post here. I really want input from those of you who know-been there done that type of thing. I just need to make peace but not compromise myself. Which I am doing. I dont know or have the answers. Thats why I put it here. Just ideas. Just thoughts. I know leaving isnt an option for me today but it maybe tomarrow or the one day soon. I dont ever know. My moms day came after 17 years of marrige to my dad. Im already batting 14 years. So what to do if you cant get out? I am not a fighter. I like my peace. Im tired of running.

I do appreciate all that you say. Especially you anvil. Your as straight as it gets. Laurie6781 too. I do value all thoughts and opinions here.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:45 PM
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Gwen, I don't understand why he has custody of your kids?

Go to the stickies at the top.....there is one for abused women. Post#15 has a national phone# and also a website.

Last edited by Serenity Bound; 04-10-2009 at 06:53 PM. Reason: add
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:53 PM
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He got custody of my kids when he found me in a house cooking drugs. They werent there but he called Division of Family Services and the sherriff. I was in the middle of my addiction. I did go thru rehab and have been clean over 3 years but cleaning up the mess I had created with my addiction took alot longer. I just got out of a rehab prison from July 07 to November 07. Not to mention, no drivers license, or job. I dont have anything to stand on to get the kids from him if I leave. He works fulltime, has a business on the side, never in trouble, has the home etcetc. He is just the better canidate to have them but not emotionally. He has no interaction with them. He just pays the bills. But that is why he has the kids.
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Old 04-10-2009, 06:59 PM
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Gwen, I know that you posted this b/4 I added to my last post. I hope you'll go back and read the addition.

My AD has been going thru something similair, that's why for me, your post hit home. I believe that your recovery from drugs is in your favor. Perhaps the info I posted will give you some resources.
She only has 4+ months clean, no job, no car, no license, she DID find help.

Good luck & God Bless.
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:13 PM
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(((((Gwen)))) You are in my prayers...Please see if you can call a hotline number and get some advice on how to win custody of your kids back. It's been awhile - things have changed - YOU have changed. I am sure you can do that and then perhpas the next step after that won't be so difficult.

Keep working on you...the more you love yourself, the less this emotional abuse will make sense. Hugs
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:30 PM
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Gwen this is past behavior occurring again. Usual occurs when he has been drinking. Please do as Serenity suggests and call the National Number. You might be surprised at what they can hook you up with where you live now.

I understand you want to bide your time, however, this is not good for the children to see either. Shows your daughter a woman is suppose to be controlled? I think not. Shows your young sone, the wrong way to be 'interacting' with a SO. AND, finally, this type of 'attempting to control' is very TOXIC to your sobriety.

So, please, take the next step and call the National Hot Line, this is ABUSE.

Call me when you can and if you need to.

I will not post here my personal opinion of this 'male specimen' of our species, but I think you already know it, lol

Lots of love, and bunches of hugs,
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Old 04-10-2009, 07:49 PM
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((((GwenMarie))))

You are a smart woman. Sometimes we get used to what is normal for our situation. We get numb. Your feelings are hurt. When we feel pain it means something is wrong. Even if it is pain that does not make you bleed it is still real.

I would like to suggest you do some praying about your situation. Also some meditation might help. I always get a fresh perspective on my life when I meditate and I feel energized as well. When I meditate I start by repeating a favorite bible verse that seems to coincide with my life at the time. I also have a few all purpose phrases if I am lost my all time favorite phrase is: "the joy of the Lord is my strength"

I have faith in you. I know you are a warrior. Keep walking in your faith even though your situation my restrict you movements your spirit is still free.
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Old 04-10-2009, 10:00 PM
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You are not in an emotionally or mentally safe place Gwen. I hope you and the children find your way outta there soon. For now keep a journal and hide it well. Everything he does and says that is abusive write it down. I agree with others also to call the hotline.
I've called them at all hours sometimes.

:praying
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Old 04-11-2009, 02:49 AM
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Gwen you are a strong person you have battled and overcome your addiction haven't you?It is abuse and you deserve better.If you can't do it for yourself do it for your kids.Do what ever you can , go to courses, casual part time work apply for your licence.But you can't bide your time and put up with it,you are wasting what could be happy years for you and also your kids.
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Old 04-11-2009, 05:41 AM
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(((((GwenMarie))))) Someday, you will know and truly feel that you have paid for your past and have a right to move forward to a peaceful and free future. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs, HG
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