rozied

Oh Kitty I am so sorry for your little boy. I was married to a compulsive gambler many yrs ago. I left after 10yrs & 2 kids. Both my sons grew up without their father. It hurt them alot. I tried to raise my sons right but as soon as my oldest got out of the house he got involved with coke. This has ben going on 20yrs. I am done helping, let him suffer the consequences of his actions.

wooforever

Well my ex sounds like your son. Funny thing is they will never change unless they can themselves. My ex was out of jail 5 days and was busted for having a pipe in the place he was staying at. Now he is going back to prison for 16 months. He is a repeat jail bird. He goes back to jail for twice a year at least for the last 15 years.

BBD

Isn't that amazing rozied....my son didn't get involved with drugs until he left this house too......Its a long story with Chris and hopefully he's on the right track now but if not~~~so be it!! This is a great thread and I loved reading what you said ex D-boy. I always thought I was to blame also for my sons decisions. It took a year of therapy for me to get my head straight on this...thanks, Bonnie

Impurrfect

I just wanted to echo what ex-d said. I was not spoiled, I was raised to think I could do anything I set my mind to and worked for, and to value education. I started college in my Sr. year of high school, always had at least one job. Neither of my parents have an addictive bone in their body, unless you count cigarettes.

I STILL became an addict and a codie, in spite of being raised in a totally opposite environment. I remember my mom crying, wondering what she'd done wrong in raising me because of what I accepted in my relationship with an A. Luckily, she never lived to see my addiction.

I really don't see any good in blaming ourselves for another's addiction...remember the 3 c's

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

mooselips

(((Rozied)))
I am dealing with a complete feeling of pain today.

Diane....IMO, I would..let him figure this out himself, and do not do a thing. IF the promise to sell that car did not come out of your mouth, then leave it be.
If your EX told him that, then let him call him. TRY as hard as you can to stay out of the drama.

Hugs and hugs..........

rozied

Diane, I sent you a PM. I am so sorry you are in pain today.
Love,
Diane

NeedingHelp7

I agree Rozied, try to stay right out of it. Let Go Let God.

Huggs,
NH7

rozied

Dear NH, I'm not going to sell the car for him but it is still hard saying no to him. He is really jealous over his 7 yr younger brother and of what I have done to help him. The thing is my older son ( the 1 in jail ) always went to my mom for everything. So I did help his brother more but I have also helped him. The thing is any help Joey gets is always wasted cuz of his addiction plus he keeps getting into trouble.
I know helping him get a lawyer is not a good idea. He has been to Wk release twice in the past few mts. The first time he got into an arguement at wk & got sent bk to jail for misconduct. Then he got my ex to get him a lawyer & got bk to Wk Release again. He found a good job right near Wk Release & after only 5 days at wk left early & got bk to Wk Release 9 hrs late. So he got sent bk to jail again. He wrote me later that he used.
Now just the other day I get a letter asking me to sell the car & get him a lawyer again!!!

beegee

Gee I am not sure if your remarks are all to me because I said some kids are spoiled but I was the only one who said that. I in no way meant it was our fault at all.
I just meant some parents bail out their kids all the time drugs or not so I think they expect it referring to Rosied son since everyone is waiting on him hand and foot.
Sorry if I stepped on toes I didn't mean it like to blame anyone. My daughter expects it to because she plays on my sympathy that I won't let anything bad happen to her.
I just don't give it to it now. Sorry!!

sojourner

Rozied:

You've been posting for a while, and i recall that your son is in his 40s. Yet you continue to call him by the childish name of "Joey." May i suggest that as part of your recovery you call your adult son by the adult version of that name. That may help you wrap your mind around a strong detachment...

winnie12

beegee - i guess i started that and i'm sure you didnt mean to - but do appreciate you clairfying. its just a very sore subject for me. i've been told for a long time by my son and others that his drug problems are because of me and how i raised him. i went through a lot of guilt and tried to make up for this so called "shortcoming" in myself when i finally realized that it had absolutely nothing to do with me or how i raised him. I refuse to take any of the blame for what he is now. I dont take credit for my children's successes and i dont take the blame for their failures.

mooselips

We just have to love them enough to let go, and let them lead their own lives...good or bad.


I'm moving to the balcony section, and getting out of the front seat.
(Or a completely different theater...)

Anyone want to join me?

outtolunch

Let me try this another way....

The world is full of adult children who expect to be taken care of by other people.

The only reason for an able adult to lay on a couch and watch TV all day, every day, is because someone, somewhere is taking care of their business, for them.

If you stop fixing it for them, they will either find someone else to do their bidding or eventually figure out that maybe, just maybe, they need to take some responsibility for themselves.

And none of this has anything to do with addiction.

I am the mother of an addict and the monkey belongs on the addict's back.

rozied

You know I really do appreciate everyones input. I do have to take issue though with Sojourner's comment about my son's name. I call him Joe alot but he prefers Joey. I cannot see how what he is called has anything to do with anything.
He is spoiled because of my mothers interference which Thank God has finally stopped. I was always tough on my son when he was growing up and it wasn't until we moved near my parents that he started getting whatever he asked for. He was 14 at the time.

hello-kitty

Hi Rozied, at first I thought that changing what you call him was a pretty funny suggestion, but, maybe, changing what you call him could be a kind of a reminder, the "Joe" he has become is not the same person as the wonderful "Joey" he used to be.

Joe is the guy in prison.

Joey is your son.

hope213

i am sorry you are going thru this. i would not help him, i would let him help himself when he gets home. nothing changes if nothing changes. maybe he needs to stay longer to get what he needs to get out of this.sending prayers for you & your son.hugs,

outtolunch

So, he chooses to be known by a child's version of his name.

rozied

I wouldn't be agreeing with you all in every case cuz I have a 70 yr old cousin and he is the salt of the earth and the best guy you would like to meet, but in my son's case I now think you guys have a valid point. I will try calling him Joe, and when he corrects me I 'll tell him what outtolunch said. Joe is the guy in jail, my Joey is gone ( long gone ) It makes me so sad. I miss my son.

Nitelite

(((Rozied))) Big mom-to-mom hugs..

Today, my son is one day out of jail, having made his own bail. He has spent the last two years — after several wonderful years of sobriety — riding his addiction, refusing to accept responsibility, blaming the world.

I really wonder whether he timed his relapses to my November birthday (!) - but this year is different. It's the first year in three that I am not broke, or frantic, or trying to get him into a halfway house, or a car, or a job, or to the doctor —
I finally got far enough into my own al-anon program to accept that I am powerless over his addiction. No one can even make me quit chocolate. What are the chances I will be able to force my 22-year-old to give up addictive chemicals? Slim and none.

We are truly powerless over their behavior, but not over ours. I think in some ways, our choices to be healthy are even tougher that the addict's, because every instinct is to "help" our children. But with an addict, to help them is so often to hurt them.

I have lost a father, two uncles and now, a brother is dying of this terrible disease. I don't want to lose my son, and I know you don't want to lose yours. But I promise you that the more you step away from becoming involved in his addictive, manipulative behaviors (and that's not a put-down, it's just part of the disease) the more reasons he will have to get sober.

My AS will now have to go back before a judge and explain why he hasn't been aggressively working an AA or NA program. If he is lucky, he will have a public defender. He may lose his job. I don't know. But I will not be sick with him. I will love him, and celebrate his sobriety, if that is where his journey takes him. And I will pray that my son's higher power keeps him in the light ~ just as I pray tonight that my own higher power gives me courage.

And Rozied, please accept my prayers for you and your son, too---Nitelite

BBD

Hi Rozied, You have some great posts here hon but something you said really hit home with me.. You said "You wanted your son back"~~~and thats what I have said for a long time here. The truth is ~when I stepped away ~ Chris started to get it together. He knows I will do nothing to help him for a very long time. I will buy him socks (LOL)))) and do small things but not the codependant stuff at all.....I love my son more than life and only want him safe and healthy. YOU can only decide whats good for you at this point but I wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel. It's so hard to step away but its the best thing for both parties. Lots of love and mom hugs coming your way, Bonnie