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It's our Anniversary...

Old 10-05-2007, 03:26 AM
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Unhappy It's our Anniversary...

My husband and I have been married for 5 years today and have been together for 10 years. I've honestly known about his addiction to cocaine for about 6 years now. I was naive the years before. Today is our wedding anniversary. It was suppose to be a WONDERFUL day with a party and all, but my husband decided to celebrate by going to a bar with friends which leads to a night of drug use. It's so hard to get help, b/c I always have to get everyone up to speed with my life and explain the good and the bad with our relationship. Now after 10 years, my husband is 90% better. His drug use is now a twice a month recreational use and not a twice a week or 3 day binge like it use to be.

Today is my first day to seek a forum for comfort and thoughts. I'm at the point now that I don't want to talk to friends & family about my husbands recreational use b/c I just don't want the worried looks anymore.


I love my husband so much and he is a wonderful man. Five years ago I dove into the research of a cocaine addict. I understand the suffering he is going through....I know it's an addiction. The hardest problem is not getting the answer to the WHYS????? That is where I cope knowing that it's an addiction and the husband I know and love with come back the next day after he sobers up.

I'm upset today b/c in the mist of my husband being a recreational cocaine user we are trying to have kids. Well, today I started my period and I think that is what caused him to drink and do the drug. We have been talking about having kids for a year now and after today I'm just not sure. Every month he promises not to do it anymore and every month it happens again and again. I'm still here...should I leave? will it make it worse? I'm not EVER divorcing my husband so why should I play the game and leave? My husband is a very emotional, loving and caring person. He is my bestfriend. (he just walked in here and is wired and I told him to leave - it's hard for him to not know what i am doing - we are very open with our emotions) I love him and we have so much fun together. He is a business owner and enjoys earning a living and we travel and truly love one anothers company. I myself am self employed business owner so we have time to travel quite a bit. We are a young couple 30s and I just wonder if he will ever see the light! We've both come to the conclusion that he only does the drug when he's had a few beers, which means he probably needs to stop drinking.

Do I stay mad the entire day??? How can I put on a happy face and go to dinner tonight and pretend??? We planned on going to the lake with some friends and afterwards going to dinner and dancing. I'm hurt more than anything that he would decide to do the drug on our wedding annivesary. How could he, knowing that I usually stay hurt for a few days. He'll be asleep most of the morning from being up all night. Hell...I'll be asleep with him cuz I'm still up...It just ruines our entire life and routine. We have a weekend full of wonderful plans. I'm so upset. Please help me decide...
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Old 10-05-2007, 03:47 AM
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Ann
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Welcome Strongwilled, I'm glad you joined us.

Addiction is a progressive disease, over time it always gets worse. I'm sorry your plans have been upset, but again, that's just how the disease works. It has stolen the loved ones we knew and left addicts we hardly recognize sometimes.

Make yourself comfortable, take a read around and know that you are among friends here who understand and have been where you are.


Hugs
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Old 10-05-2007, 04:26 AM
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Hi Strongwilled, and welcome!
Life with addiction is never easy. You'll meet lots of people here who can share the wisdom of their experience. The best part is that we all understand because we've all been there.
If you can, please read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It has been a great help for me.
Good luck, and come visit often!
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Old 10-05-2007, 06:26 AM
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Welcome dear, You are right where I have been since February, but my husband's cocaine quickly changed to crack. It's hard to put on a happy face. I've been reading this book called crackbusters that I downloaded off of this forum. It explains that even though they do it several weeks apart, it's still an addiction because they have developed a pattern. Perhaps if you can get him to read it, he will admit that it IS a problem and he'll try to stop. If going to a bar leads to him doing the coke, maybe he'll stop going to bars.

I'm learning that we can't be the ones that change them, only they can change themselves.

Think about bringing a baby into this life. Three weeks ago, I found coke smeared all over the passenger seat of my husbands car where he had been "cooking it". He made a huge mess. What if I didn't see it, and he picked our daughter up that evening from daycare? She would have put her hands on it, then her hands in her mouth.

Luckily, I found it, and had my in-laws pick her up, then we moved to their house.

Many hugs and prayers your way!!!!!
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Old 10-05-2007, 08:41 AM
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Please, please do not bring a child into the picture..........it will change nothing for him, only for you and the child......read the posts of others here that have children and know that your husband is no different....the only thing that will change him is him and only if he truly wants to change and is willing to do the hard work......

So he used on your anniversary, well he will use when a child is born, on it's birthday and any other time he wants to.....because it is and will remain all about him......change for yourself is all that you can do, think about your life and your future.....I know this sounds harsh and I wish it was different...but addiction is harsh.....take care of yourself...
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Old 10-05-2007, 08:46 AM
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You do not make him use, and You cannot make him stop.

I have been married for 15 years and I am totally in love with my husband. I could not stop for him. I wanted to and still could not. It had to be MY decision. I had to stop for myself.

Good luck and please keep posting.
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Old 10-05-2007, 02:51 PM
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Strongwilled,

Wishing you good luck with all of this. I'm sorry you're going through it.

My sister was a recreational heroin user for the first five years. A few times a year.

Then she was a "weekender" - only on weekends, again for recreation - for another year.

Then every day. Then more than once a day. Then she went through a cycle of pawning everything, losing her job (she was a well-paid nurse), going into rehab, etc. etc etc. before she died, leaving behind a mountain of debt, a lost and lonely daughter, and a wound in our family that will never heal.

It's a progressive disease. And as swell as he may be most of the time, the fact that he is just starting on this path and has now moved on to doing things like showing you this incredible disrespect on your anniversary worries the hell out of me.

I'm so sorry to say it this way, and I know it's hardly my business, but I am not unhappy that God has not seen fit to allow you to get pregnant yet. You would be bringing a child into a potentially dangerous and traumatic life. Spoken from the vantage point of a child of "recreational addict" parents, who is still trying to recover from it all at 45.

Take care of yourself, and be careful. If you truly do communicate so perfectly, explain that you're not going to tolerate this any more. Not even once. And have him explain to you how he is going to cooperate in that plan. You deserve better.

Hugs and hope,
GL
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Old 10-05-2007, 03:00 PM
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Smile

Welcome
You are in a good place, lots of good, caring people who have walked the road before you.
susan
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Old 10-05-2007, 03:18 PM
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hi strongwilled. I was an active coke addict. I am no longer an active coke addict. I will always be an addict though. Unfortunately that doesn't go away. It's not something, I or any addict can control. That's why we have to quit using forever. There is no such thing as a recreational addict.

Anvils post is right on the money. Coke addicts don't get better until they quit using. Eventually, your husbands use will progress back to what it was, and then, it will get worse. That's just how addiction is. Cocaine is not something you can control. Cocaine addiction is progressive. An addicts life will spiral farther and farther out of control until they quit or they die. That's what addiction does to a person. You won't be able to stop him. Your life will spiral too. Unfortunately.

I am sorry for all the pain that you are going to go through. I wish I had some more positive news. Of course there is hope. Addicts can quit using. Forever. Life gets better then. But it takes commitment and a true desire to quit. We have to lose a lot before we get to the point of wanting to quit. That point is different for everyone. And then we have to work at it. Quitting isn't as easy as saying "I quit" and being done with it.

I want to be sure you understand that you cannot be addicted to Coke and be a recreational user. You describe your husband both ways. Once you get addicted, you can't go back to recreational. Thats the nature of addiction. And your husband is using coke on a regular basis. Regular use means you are addicted.

FYI. Having a child with an active addict is a really really bad idea. I did. He left me at the hospital when I was in labor to go get high. I guess I was lucky he was around to even drive me there. He kept strange hours which were really disturbing to me and the baby. He was unavailable emotionally. He was unavailable physically.

Eventually he just disappeared altogether. I drew a boundary. Coke OR your family. I told him he couldn't have both. He couldn't handle the stress of trying to have a normal life I guess. It was just too boring for him without the thrill & rush of cocaine (my bf smoked it but it's all the same). Now my son wants to know where his daddy is, and it's so hard to watch him cry because he daddy never came home. He wants to go find his daddy. It is a terrible unstable existence for mother and child.

Being a single mom is incredibly hard. Being a single mom while you are married to a coke addict is even worse.

And IMO, you should be mad as he!! that your husband ruined your anniversary for drugs. And you should let him know.

Learn all you can about boundaries and if you want to check out a great book - read codependent no more by melanie beatty. It will help you develop tools to handle with the tough situation you are in.
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Old 10-05-2007, 06:03 PM
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Thank you everyone for your strong support. I know it's difficult to respond to someone without knowing exactly their life history.


My husband is asleep and has been for the last 5 hours. So, our anniversary is waisting away by the minute. We spoke this morning about HIM ruining our anniversary. I don't hold back my emotions so I told him EXACTLY how I felt and what today meant for me and how it will now be a horrible memory rather than a beautiful one. My husband admitted and acknowledged his addiction about 3 years ago. The self-counseling and discussions we had with one another have helped tremendously. He's been to a couple of meetings the first year and actively attending church has helped us more than anything. I've read many books and have read about my roll and how to cope with an addict. Prior to 3 years ago my outrage and outspoken personality caused more trouble than helped. I've learned to speak differently with my husband and actually decided not to have full on conversations with him until after he comes back down.

I calender his drug use and show it to him to remember the days. He admits his drug use which I know is a huge step for an addict. I know we are on the right track to recovery. The pain for my husband today was HUGE...I know it was a VERY LOW day for him. It may have been the rock bottom of his addiction. He looked online for NA meetings and plans on scheduling us for counseling. I'm not scheduling anything...he has to want it and schedule it himself. I've heard the counseling comment before, let's just see if he schedules it.

I'm so grateful for this post. I'll continue to post when needed.. We are leaving for a lengthly trip to Ireland/London for 2 weeks at the end of the month. When we travel is usually the time when he is off the drug the most. I sometimes wish we can always be traveling.... the record time off the drug this year is 4 weeks. Today we start over..Day 1.
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Old 10-05-2007, 06:10 PM
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Strongwilled,

Before I forget, I wanted to say this: Happy Anniversary. I can tell that you are a strong, hard-working, loyal woman and that you did not enter into this marriage with him lightly. You deserve a huge celebration of love, and faith, and hope. If I could figure out how to paste a picture of an anniversary cake in here, I would. Wait, maybe I can:



(see, I just needed to be strong-willed)
And secondly, my wish is for you to travel and travel until he decides that cocaine can't hold a candle to the joy you bring him, so he will seek a recovery that will last for life.

Good luck on your recovery.

HUgs,
GL
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Old 10-06-2007, 12:39 AM
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Hi strong willed,
My prayers for you both.I believe you when you say your husbands pain was HUGH today. And I believe him when he says he is sorry and wants to be different. Two months ago, my husbands pain was HUGH also, He was really sorry this time and wanted so badly to do it right for me. To give me everything that i deserved. He was truely telling me his honest truthful feelings. . I believe at the time he really believed it to. But it wasn't long before he couldn't. Once he knew I wasn't going to leave him over this, he no longer had a reason to be any different. He was only trying to be "good" to keep me around, he hadn't gotten to the point where he wanted to change for himself.
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