graci

Hi, Ive been on this site off and on over the past year and a half. My BF is an addict to just about anything and everything he can get his hands on. He is now in prison facing a possible 5 years if it goes to trial and he is convicted. Over the past 2 years I have watched the man that I love destroy himself and have been powerless to stop it. Cant say I didnt try, someow I knew the first time that he wanted to go back to smoking pot after having 2 years clean where exactly this was all leading. I watched him lose jobs, drop out of school, try to start anew with a military career, then get sucked in heavier and lose that, Now he is in jail. It was like watching someone swirl around the edge of the toilet for a long time and then deciding to flush it but forgetting tht they were still in it. I have enabled, I look back now and I see it. I let him live at my home when he wasent paying rent, I paid the car payment because stupid me cosigned for him when he was clean. I let him use my car, I let him make me feel guilty at times for not letting him be more independent and "bitching" too much when he wanted to hang out with friends. Somehow I thought last year that I could just support him and help him to get through until he made it into the military that he would have a better chance. During the 3 months that he was away at bootcamp, I realized how exhausted I was. I am a single working mother and had also become the caretaker of an addict. During that 3 months I found peace again, I realized that I had turned into a anxiety ridden suspicious detective, and made a vow not to do that anymore. I got more financially back on track. i missed him alot and was really hoping that the military would make some sort of difference. After bootcam he came home for a 10 day leave, i went to his graduation and saw more of the man that i had fallen in love with than I had for a long time. I cried, it was so good to see him looking so good so good to feel the affection again. So good to have him actually speak to me like we used to. After that it started going downhill. he got placed in a medical platoon and his training was stalled, he got bitter and I think gave up. he ended up going awol at the end of May and coming home. For 2 months he was home and using the whole time. Since I wasent playing detective anymore I had no clue. Had I been paying more attention I think i wouldve seen it. In hindsight I do. well he eventually went back to base, peed dirty and was placed in a separation platoon. After a week and a half he left again and ended up in mexico. Im sure most of u know what happens in mexico. For that whole week he called me a few times high as Hell, he was delusional, paranoid etc. and even admitted he was using. Then he got arrested, cant go into details, but Im so sad. He thinks he is at his bottom, i guess time will tell. Ive told him that I love him and that I will support him through this, but I often find myself trying to cure him. Im so desparate for him to get better. Today I told him what I wanted but ultimately the choice is up to him and how bad he wants it.
Over the past month I have spent alot of time researching drugs addictions etc, trying to understand, and I thin Ive come to "my" understanding of what this disease is. So after that now Im left with me. I need to know now how to put my life back together, how to be supportive and continue to love him without trying to cure or control the outcome. I need some balance. Ive done alot of praying especially at night when my thoughts are racing so much that I cant sleep, just asking God to give me a minutes peace where i didnt have to be thinking/obsessing about this whole awful situation. All my life ive always had to know why, but this time i ned to step back a little and seen from reading posts that u guys are helpful and know a little bit about this.

Ann

Graci, welcome back. I'm sorry all this has been happening, and I'm glad you are reaching out for help for yourself.

Now that you are beginning to understand addiction, maybe take a read about codependency also. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is the most honest, down to earth book I have every read on the subject and most of us here see ourselves on every page of that book. It helped me see my part in my misery and led me to going to meetings and addressing my own issues in dealing with my son's addiction.

Again, I am happy to have you walking with us, Graci and I hope we can help in some way.

Hugs

bookmiser

(((((Graci))))))



I'm glad you've decided to start taking care of you and focusing on
how you can help yourself.
Ann is right. Read what you can about codependency, enabling, and learning
to detach with love.
I know when my son was in jail, it was such a relief not to worry. I was
better able to focus on me and take care of me.
It's not selfish, by any means. You've dealt with alot of heartbreak and worry,
I'm sure.
Getting into recovery, yourself, will help tremendously.
We're here for ya. So keep comin' back to share.
From one codie to another....


p.s.
I have a great niece named Gracie. Such a pretty name.

mooselips

((((graci))))
Sometimes when we are dealing with an addict, we seem to get as sick as that addict, our disease is called Codependency. We seem to forget all about "us" and devote our lives to "fixing" the addict.
I was in that place, trying to "help" both of my sons. Little did I know I was powerless to do anything about their drug use.

What seems to help me the most are meetings, and reading, and being part of Sober Recovery. Since there aren't any Naranon meetings in my area, I attend Alanon, and they work just fine.

Hugs to you Graci, stick around, keep posting, and let us know how you're doing, okay?

greeteachday

Glad you are back Graci and I'm sorry for all you have been through but glad you are trying to now focus on you. I found SR and Naranon to be extremely helpful to me on this journey Hugs

Spiritual Seeker

Im gonna give an honest opinion: Don't continue to save and enable. If he gets out of jail let him figure out a way to live, get sober, maintain employment, pay bills and become a man. If you ever live together again it should be a long time when he has successfully grown up and become sober and responsible.
Why do you need to mother someone and accept this type of behavior...?
Work on yourself so that when you partner with someone it is someone who is a grown man without legal or addiction problems. You \ deserve that

cece

Every post above is so right. when we are so wrapped around the addicts problem that we have forgotten our own life, when their life and recovery is more important than ours, when our happiness depends on their happiness, then we need to refocus. Its his life not yours. I know you love and it hurts but... nothing can fix him, no person place or thing! but himself. So, since you love him and from your post you probably will leave yourself wide open to him and his disease when he returns, get help now with how to deal with it yourself. Start going to NAR-Anon or Al-Anon meetings. you will find support from those who have stayed with and left their addict loved ones. People have found serenity in both. Its just a lot harder when the addict is still using.