It's our Anniversary...
My husband and I have been married for 5 years today and have been together for 10 years. I've honestly known about his addiction to cocaine for about 6 years now. I was naive the years before. Today is our wedding anniversary. It was suppose to be a WONDERFUL day with a party and all, but my husband decided to celebrate by going to a bar with friends which leads to a night of drug use. It's so hard to get help, b/c I always have to get everyone up to speed with my life and explain the good and the bad with our relationship. Now after 10 years, my husband is 90% better. His drug use is now a twice a month recreational use and not a twice a week or 3 day binge like it use to be.
Today is my first day to seek a forum for comfort and thoughts. I'm at the point now that I don't want to talk to friends & family about my husbands recreational use b/c I just don't want the worried looks anymore.
I love my husband so much and he is a wonderful man. Five years ago I dove into the research of a cocaine addict. I understand the suffering he is going through....I know it's an addiction. The hardest problem is not getting the answer to the WHYS????? That is where I cope knowing that it's an addiction and the husband I know and love with come back the next day after he sobers up.
I'm upset today b/c in the mist of my husband being a recreational cocaine user we are trying to have kids. Well, today I started my period and I think that is what caused him to drink and do the drug. We have been talking about having kids for a year now and after today I'm just not sure. Every month he promises not to do it anymore and every month it happens again and again. I'm still here...should I leave? will it make it worse? I'm not EVER divorcing my husband so why should I play the game and leave? My husband is a very emotional, loving and caring person. He is my bestfriend. (he just walked in here and is wired and I told him to leave - it's hard for him to not know what i am doing - we are very open with our emotions) I love him and we have so much fun together. He is a business owner and enjoys earning a living and we travel and truly love one anothers company. I myself am self employed business owner so we have time to travel quite a bit. We are a young couple 30s and I just wonder if he will ever see the light! We've both come to the conclusion that he only does the drug when he's had a few beers, which means he probably needs to stop drinking.
Do I stay mad the entire day??? How can I put on a happy face and go to dinner tonight and pretend??? We planned on going to the lake with some friends and afterwards going to dinner and dancing. I'm hurt more than anything that he would decide to do the drug on our wedding annivesary. How could he, knowing that I usually stay hurt for a few days. He'll be asleep most of the morning from being up all night. Hell...I'll be asleep with him cuz I'm still up...It just ruines our entire life and routine. We have a weekend full of wonderful plans. I'm so upset. Please help me decide...